I remember in the early days of the Iraq War hearing alot about "Shock and Awe," the practice of overwhelming the enemy with force rapidly as a means to stun them into submission and break their will. I think that is where I am tonight, in the "Shock and Awe" stage. There are so many realities beating me down that I wonder if our dreams of having a family are even a possibility. Tonight I feel overpowered, like I am failing this battle on two fronts.
First, there is the ever present battle with my grief, its rapid succession of images, memories, trauma, flashbacks, anger, sense of loss, frustration, sense of overwhelm, sadness, reminders of all that we are missing out on, sense of feeling robbed, feelings of isolation, anger at a disease with no known cause, anger at having to watch my child be that 1 in 50 million, sense of fear about losing future children to Infant Leukemia etc. that go along with missing my Peyton. My sweet, sweet Peyton who Cancer stole from me. She should be here with me. She was my child. I can't get over missing her.
Then there is the second battle front, the infertility front. I got the green light to TTC several months ago. My first two pregnancies came so easily, and still, at the end of the day, my home is empty of children. That's a bitter pill to swallow. I have carried life within me twice and have no children to show for it. Now, when we have already waited so long, when our arms ache to hold our child, now is when my body has decided to become infertile... Why? I don't know how to process this reality, the "we are really struggling with infertility" reality. I don't know how to make peace with being dealt this hand too. The sense of unfairness is smothering me.
So tonight I sit here, pounded, broken, staring in shock and disbelief at these last two years since hubby and I decided to start trying, and wondering how this happened to us? We were prepared. We had so much love to give our daughter. We were ready to provide her a safe, loving, stable and nurturing home. Why do our attempts at having a family need to include so much pain at every twist and turn? Will this ever get easier? Will we ever get OUR chance at bringing home healthy children? Nothing that I thought, envisioned, expected or dreamed on has come to be. When, I must ask, is it our turn to be happy, beaming parents? When can we step off this battlefield?