Friday, October 9, 2009

Diapers and Triggers

"It's happening all over again."
Even as I say it,
I know the statement is a lie.
It implies that there had been a point when it had stopped.

I can't escape the memories.
The triggers are everywhere,
attacking without warning.

Yesterday it was a diaper commercial.
A smiling baby crawled across the floor,
"No gap waste band," the announcer promised.
The baby looked so happy.
His mother looked so happy.
The tears fell.

I had a baby once.
She never crawled.

I see the commercial and am back in that hospital,
asking the nurses to bring a smaller size.
"These ones no longer fit."

I watched as she grew smaller each day.
It scared me.

When she was born she wore the newborn size.
By the time she left,
her body had regressed.
Even preemie diapers eventually hung loosely.

There is a unique desperation that comes in bearing witness
to something going so against the natural order of things.

Children are supposed to grow.

She became more fragile,
wasting away as the greedy chemo and infection staked their claims.
"No!" I should have shouted.
"Not her! You can't have her!"

Would that have made a difference?
Would anything have made a difference?

How could a child with such a huge spirit,
a child of such strength,
have left this earth so much smaller than when she entered it?

There are so many...

How could any of this have happened?


  1. It's not fair and I am so sorry. ((HUGS)) I will continue to pray for your comfort and strength.

  2. This really knocked the wind out of me. I'm so sorry you had to see your little girl suffer like that. You're right, everything related to babyloss does go against the natural order of things. So horribly, horribly cruel.

  3. I know and yet I have no idea what it is like. The triggers, darn triggers at times I am happy for (believe it or not), and yet I fall to pieces a million times over.

    Thinking of you always.I wish i could say something more comforting.

  4. That was so profound. So beautiful and compelling.

    I am totally validating your suffering, your pain and triumphing (or starting to) over adversity and all that goes with the loss of a child.

    The triggers will happen for the rest of your life and you will never forget.

    Sending you hugs... and knowing that you did everything you can to keep her moving forward as she slid backwards into God's waiting arms.

  5. It's not fair and I don't know if we can ever escape the triggers that set off memories. It hurts to think of beautiful babies being so sick and dying. I do know though that the six days I had my son were worth the price of the pain I feel now that I have lost him. Perhaps, and we will never know until we ourselves reach heaven, that our babies made peace with returning to God and that's why our little fighters let go. I don't know. I like to think they were given the option to stay and fight but instead chose to go home to Heaven rather than face a lifetime of pain on earth. What I do know is that as a parent who also had a child born with a congenital disease, it's staggering that babies as healthy looking as your Peyton and my Calvin could indeed be as sick as they were. And not a day goes by where I don't think of him, overwhelmed by the emotional pain I'm in, questioning why....Sending you hugs!

  6. sending you hugs! I know all too well that it isnt fair when your beautiful baby is taken away.

  7. Triggers are everywhere. So true. This is so beautifully written and so sad. I am so sorry Peyton is not here with you tonight.

    Love to the sky,


  8. It shouldnt have happened and I am so very sorry that it did. Your right, our babies are suppose to grow, not die. I wish I had the reasons why. I find comfort in knowing that Bryston is living a much better life now than I could have given him. Our babies are healthy, happy, and whole now. I still have my selfish days and wish he was still here but I hold onto that hope of seeing his smiling face one day. *Hugs*

  9. I'm so sorry you had to watch that happen to your precious baby. No one should have to. Triggers are lurking everywhere. For me it's hearing a baby cry.

  10. I have experienced a loss of a child - I don't think anyone ever really understands the pain without going through it themselves... I am sorry for your loss - September 21 was the 15th year anniversary of my daughter going home.. - my life is full with my two adopted and beautiful girls.. But some days it just hits you out of the blue....
    Love to you.

  11. I don't know how it could have happened. I honestly don't. I wish it hadn't and I'm so terribly, terribly sorry. xo

  12. :( I hate that so many things, so many little things bring me back to such a sad time. Bring me back to bedrest at home, in the hospital, L in the NICU, loosing L. So many things, yet things at such random times. Things that I wouldn't think would set me off, do. It sucks. I wish I only had memories of what happened, not reminders from tv, mail, "friends"....I just wish my boys were here so I didn't have triggers at all.

    Lots of *hugs*

  13. I'm so sorry. I wish I was there to hold you hand

  14. I wonder with the odds of this happening how this could have you and anyone. I think there will always be things that remind us. Maybe with time it won't hurt so much. I hope so.

  15. I'm so sorry for your loss. Poor little Peyton. Thinking of you. (((Hugs)))

  16. Each life is a miracle that changes the world and leaves the world a better place than it was before.

    This was the quote on a sympathy card someone emailed me. Your sweet girl may have been small but she left a large mark on the world. Sending hugs...

  17. I am very sorry that you had to witness your beautiful little girl go thru that. She is such an amazing little girl.