What grief looks like at 16 months - Mel's Show & Tell

This is Peyton’s room.

It has been sixteen months since Peyton left this world, seventeen since she entered it, and eighteen since this room was created. Entire cycles of seasons, holidays, and milestones have passed, and yet, stuck on pause, both this room, and I, sit waiting.

Not much has changed about Peyton’s room. Nothing at all since her death.

Books wait to be read. Toys to be played with. Diaper creams and lotions now nearing their expiration date, sit below a changing table waiting to be used.

Piles of wrapped gifts remain untouched.

Her clothes from the hospital sit in a plastic bag by the dresser.

“They are toxic,” the nurses warned, made so by traces of chemo in her spit-up. "You have to take special care in washing them." 

This little bag has kept me up so many nights, panicked over what to do. Unwashed, the poison still remains. Washed, her scent of mint and milk is lost forever. 

When we put the finishing touches on this room, I sat in this chair, folding onesies, socks and blankets, while hubs hung shelves and pictures. I had never been so happy in all my life.

The last time I sat here, just days before Peyton was born, worry took hold of me, and floods of tears came. 

I flash back to that moment a lot, to the way panic gripped me. I had never been scared in my pregnancy. I never had a reason to be. I was a planner. I was healthy. I had everything under control. 

It came as a complete shock when through tears I told hubs how scared I suddenly felt. How worried I was that I would screw this up. That I might screw her up. That I wouldn’t be a good enough mother, love her enough or know what to do should something go wrong. 

“This is all normal,” he reassured me. “All new mothers probably feel this way. It’s okay.”

I think about that day a lot, about how inconsolable I became for seemingly no reason.

Did I know?
Did something deep inside me know?

The other day I ventured into this little yellow room, this room where nothing changes, this room that time forgot, and made a painful discovery. Dust.

Layers upon layers of dust so thick that I could write her name in them.

She is being lost to time. Covered up. Buried. Sprinkled in a muted veil as if the universe is trying to hide her existence. Trying, with all its might, to hide the ugly truth that things like this happen to beautiful little babies.

Some may think I am overreacting to something that could be wiped away with a rag, but to me it signifies so much more than that. I see the bigger picture. I understand what enough time will do to Peyton, that though she will always beat in my heart, with enough time, to the world, nature, the universe, she will be forgotten. 

To see what others are Showing and Telling, go here.

I wonder...(hey what the heck, we'll make it a show and tell too!)

I wonder if all aspiring authors have to stop writing mid chapter to chase their escaped dog up and down the snowy street in their pajamas?

For show and tell, I give you Charlotte... the guilty party.

Here is a picture of her tuckered out from her great run up and down, and back and forth, and across, and in figure eights in my neighborhood.

And here she is telling me what she thinks of my writing...Such a critic!

To see what others are showing and telling, go visit Mel here.

Today I turned 30, Mel's Show & Tell.

I am officially 30.

It happened sometime today around 3:25 in the afternoon. Feeling anything but Happy this Birthday would have been really difficult. The love of family and friends came through in many forms, making the day a joyous one.

The first was this beautiful bouquet from hubs, delivered to my front door.

More smiles followed with lots of facebook, email, and blog well wishes, and various silly renditions of Happy Birthday sung to my voicemail. I was sung to in an operatic voice. A pirate voice. Silly voices. The voices of my nieces and nephew (well not really, he is only a few months old, but I am sure he was there by the phone too so that counts), a Cha-Cha-Cha version of the song, and I was even sung to in Polish by my Hungarian best friend, a skill that until today, I never knew she had (and we have been friends 20 years!)

The second time the door rang, a delivery man brought these goodies. They are chocolate covered apples and pears, sent to brighten my day by one of my very best friends.

And then tonight, I rang in this new decade over a wonderful dinner with my hubs, parents, aunt and uncle.

When we got home, Charlotte even got into the Birthday celebration by sporting this cute bow.

Yes, today was a very Happy Birthday. The only thing that could possibly have made it better, would have been…

To see what others are Showing and Telling, visit Mel's blog here.

A few Christmas additions, Mel's Show & Tell

Lots to share today for Show and Tell.

First, Meet Charlotte, our adorable rescue puppy.

She is a black lab mix who took no time at all getting comfortable in our house.

Here is a picture of Charlotte resting on my foot as I type.

Overall, Charlotte has been a true blessing,

although today I did dub her "Charley and Me" when she did this to my rug.

Honestly though, who could stay mad at this face?

The vet told me that Charlotte must have had a litter in the past, because her underside shows some signs. I guess that's part of the reason I am so forgiving of sweet little Charlotte. She is a babylost in her own way.

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As I blogged about earlier this week, I finally finished the Peyton tree.

The tree really shines beautifully,

I don't know why it isn't showing so well in this picture.

Here are some of Peyton's ornaments from her tree.

 

The "bless this baby" ornament that I had talked about during my first giveaway. Speaking of giveaways, tomorrow is my "25 days of giveaways" day, so be sure to check back and see what I am offering.

The purple and pink ornaments seen throughout the tree, like the one above,

 and the berries, like those pictured below,

 were from last year's grave blanket.

This picture is not too great, but this ornament holds a picture of the three of us the first time I held Peyton.

And a beautiful ornament from my Aunt...

As well as one that a good family friend gave last year. It reads "our little angel."

To see what others are showing and telling, click here.

some up, some down - mels show and tell

I wanted to post something fun here. Really, I did. The tone of this blog, and my life, has been sort of on the down side lately, although to be honest, when blogging about babyloss is there truly an up? Anyway, I wanted to post something fun. Then I got another BFN this morning, I really felt like this morning was a possible shot. Today is 38 days. A long time to wait for a BFP by most calculations, but that is how long it took with Peyton, so I held out hope. But this morning, among the rain and wind and utter crappiness of the day, that elusive second line continued to, well, elude me. Oh well.

I could write about how this makes me feel, but you all know. So instead for Show and Tell, I will share some pictures that I had put in a post in October, but never published. It's a happy one, I promise. You will be glad you stuck with it and read on.

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Last October, just days after Peyton passed away, my friend, Nicole, ran the Hartford Marathon in her honor, to raise funds for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society.  What makes this even more impressive is the fact that Nicole is not a marathon runner, just a friend with a huge heart who wanted to do something to help.

Nicole set out on her 26 mile journey with the thousands of other runners, but between mile 6 and 7, she suffered a major injury to her thigh. This would have stopped others, but not Nicole. She continued on, walking and limping through the pain, for the remaining 19 miles.

Everyone, including her coach, told her it was time to throw in the towel, but Nicole remained steadfast and determined. I asked her once how she made it through, and she simply explained that since Peyton never gave up, she felt she couldn't either.

At one of the final mile markers, Nicole passed the sign that the Leukemia/Lymphoma society had hung in Peyton's honor, and grabbing hold of it, she headed for the finish line.

The day Nicole ran this race, we could not attend. Peyton had just died the week prior, and I was still in full "shut-in" mode. When I look at these pictures now, it breaks my heart that I wasn't there, but Nicole understood, and she told me that she knew we were supporting her from home, and we were.

After the race, Nicole came and presented us with the sign, which we keep in our living room, and with an honorary medal from the race, for Peyton, who, as Nicole put it, "was with me every step of the way."

Below is a picture of the display case in my living room, with all of the treasures from Nicole's marathon run in Peyton's honor. On my darkest days I like to look at it and remind myself that yes, we have been dealt a bum deal losing Peyton and suffering infertility, but we have also been truly blessed by the love of some amazing friends like Nicole, who went on this year again, undeterred by the pain of last year's race, and ran the marathon again to raise more funds for Leukemia research.

To see what others are showing and telling, visit here.

Thanks(for)Giving-Mel's 80th Show & Tell

I know my posts have been a little blah lately, the lack of BFP's has had me really down, among other things, but today is Thanksgiving, and so I am gonna change it up a bit and highlight some of the good things in my life.

This Thanksgiving, I am extremely thankful for my good health, my loving husband, my wonderful family, the fact that I have survived this year, and of course the support of great friends both IRL and here in this community. Even during those times where I have fallen deeply into the crevasses of grief, I have felt all your hands of support on me, and for this I feel a depth of gratitude that knows no words.

For the last week I have had something new to feel thankful for too, and it is that which I am going to focus on today for Mel's Show & Tell. Today I am thankful for the outpouring of generosity and encouragement that we have received in regards to our Doing Good In Her Name initiative.

For those of you who don't know, we have set up a new site in Peyton's honor at www.doinggoodinhername.com to assist critically ill infants and their families at Connecticut Children's Medical Center, the hospital where our sweet Peyton spent her life. It has only been a week, and Doing Good In Her Name is off to a great start.

A very close friend was the first to make a donation to our collection. I was floored when she gave us a check for $100 to be used to purchase food and parking vouchers to help the families with sick infants at the hospital. The parking is very costly at Peyton's hospital, and the expense can really add up. I know from experience how appreciated this gift will be. 

Next we received a beautiful batch of items for our CCMC drive from a girl I went to high school with. We haven't seen each other since graduation (*gulp* 12 years), and she reached out to me last week to let me know that she had put some items together for our collection. I was blown away by her generosity. Take a peek at these wonderful things that she donated.

Then, earlier this week, I found two goodies in the Doing Good In Her Name P.O. Box. First was a $20 donation from my cousin. She has really been there for me through this last year, and her generous donation really touched my heart. Then, on the same day, another box came, sent to us by the mother of the woman who donated the above items. She too had heard about what we were doing for the little warriors at CCMC, and wanted to help. Take a look at all of the wonderful things she sent. So many children will benefit from her generosity.

The blessings continued. Today one of my bloggy pals from the U.K. added two wonderful Baby Einstein CD's to the collection. She was so smart, she ordered them from Amazon.com's U.S. site and therefore didn't have to pay overseas shipping, which I thought was just wonderful. I wish I had pictures of the CD's, but I didn't get a chance to take any yet. I will add them as soon as I do.

And then there were all the beautiful messages from so many of you about donations that you are planning to make to honor Peyton's memory. Words cannot express just how much these messages, too, have meant to me.

As members of this babyloss community, I know that you can truly understand just how desperately I need to feel something good come out of all of this grief and loss. Whether your help comes to us through donations, or by simply saying a prayer or sending up good thoughts on behalf of this initiative, from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU. You all are helping us make this dream of helping other little warriors like Peyton a reality.

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I know how difficult this holiday is going to be for us all, and I am praying for each of you to feel some sense of peace, despite the pain of facing this day without your little angels. Tomorrow I will be thinking of all of you, and of each of your sweet little ones who have become so important to me through your blogs.  I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving.

To see what others are showing and telling, visit Mel's blog here.

My 1st Blog Giveaway, PTSD, & Mels Show & Tell

I was going to save my first blog giveaway to mark my 100th post, I am somewhere around 85, but  then I found something so precious and timely that I just couldn't keep it to myself. More on that to come later on in this post. Today's Show & Tell is sort of a mish-mosh of things from this past week, bear with me...

First, I really wanted to share these two photographs, sent  to me from Holly, Carleigh's Momma. Holly was spending the day at a beautiful park, and decided to bring our little Peyton, and many of the other babies from this community, along with her. She wrote them each, name by name, remembering and honoring these children among the beauty that nature was surrounding her in. I have seen so many of these pictures on various blogs this week, all gifts from Holly, which really speaks to her caring and kind nature.

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Last weekend my hubs had to work the better part of the day on Saturday, so, in his absence I headed over to a local craft fair. It's a small one, just a few tables in a Knight's of Columbus Hall, but one I have attended each year since we moved here and so I was looking forward to it. I scanned the tables one by one to see if anything spoke to me. My heart just about fell out of my chest when I came to a table of perfectly knitted baby clothes. They were beautiful, and sweet, the likes of which I had spent many months dreaming of dressing Peyton in, and I felt myself get hot and the room spin at the sight of them. IT's funny that way, and by IT I mean PTSD, because I can be in one place where there are baby items, and sort of tune them out, and then be in another, like this craft fair, and feel my chest tightening and my breath becoming labored as the memories flood my mind, and before I know it the room is crashing down around me. I don't know why IT is this way. IT just is.

In my efforts to get away from the adorable sets of booties, pom hats, and the socks that were knitted to look like shoes, I practically tripped over a woman pushing a stroller. Yes, that's the way IT goes sometimes. Do any of you go through this? Do you ever feel like the reminders of what you don't have chase you around in public? Anyway, I hurried to the other end of the room, making my way for the door when I saw her... pink and perfect, swaddled in a blanket that said "Bless This Baby," with a halo above her head, and a set of gold wings off her back. She caught my eye and I couldn't help but reach out to grab her.

"Isn't she precious?" A woman next to me said. "You know I have a friend whose baby just died. Can you believe that still happens? I thought this would be perfect for her."

"Yes, I can." I nodded. "I just lost my daughter. It is perfect."

My response caught her off guard, leaving me in one of those awkward "I just shared too much with a stranger" moments. Not knowing how to respond, the woman offered a sympathetic "oh" and left, but I stayed, looking at her, turning her over and over in my fingers. Hubs and I have talked about setting up a little Peyton Tree each Christmas, and finding an ornament to honor her life each year.  Without a doubt, in this little angel, I had found our 2009 ornament.

This is where my first blog giveaway comes in... FINALLY... I know...

I purchased a second little angel ornament, red, so it could be used to remember a girl or a boy. Here are some pictures. I am sorry they are not clearer, I have been using the cellphone camera and it is not very good.

The note pinned to blanket reads "Bless this Baby"

Okay, so this picture is just awful.

Believe me when I tell you the gold wings are just adorable.

The blurry bit on the bottom is a tag that reads "2009"

If you would like to be entered in this giveaway, please include your angel's name along with your comment to this post. A winner will be chosen using random.org's random number generator and will be announced sometime Friday evening. This giveaway closes Friday at 5:00PM EST

To see what others are showing and telling, visit here.

Forever Young - Mels Show & Tell

It has been over a year since Peyton went to rest on her hill, and last week came a truly bittersweet milestone, the laying of her stone.

The old me could never have imagined having to do this. The old me could never have imagined being in a place so unfair and unnatural that I would have to design my child's gravestone. As much as the old me couldn't have imagined it, the task was before us, and as truly painful an obstacle as it was to face, as Peyton's parents, Dru and I were committed to doing it together, and committed to doing it right.

After many, many months of designing, scrutinizing, and redesigning, we finally reached a place where we felt in our hearts that our objective had been accomplished, we had captured Peyton's beautiful spirit in stone.

Today, for show and tell, I share this newest addition to Peyton's Hill with all of you.

 

Here is the full view. For those who cannot see it, the inscription along the bottom reads :  

An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth."

Our baby girl.  This picture doesn't do justice to just how beautiful she looks here.

The engraving really captures her spirit; the sparkle in her eye, and the sweet smile on her face.

In Peyton's honor, we included butterflies on her stone. We have always associated Peyton with butterflies, feeling her spirit in them as they fly all around us. If you look very closely to the top picture, there is even a little butterfly sitting on her name.

We also had them engrave her little hat. This hat was blue with a green pom on top. It is a hat that my mother in law made for her, and also the hat we chose to have her buried in.

I know it was a long time coming, our little girl has waited thirteen months now for her stone, but we feel in looking at it, that it was well worth the wait.

To see what others are showing click here.

A Beautiful Gift. Mel's 77th Show & Tell

I have been in a sort of weird place these last few days, doing most of my writing in poetry form on various scraps of paper and in my journals, so I haven't been blogging as much as usual. I know I am a little late on posting, but I wanted to still participate in Show and Tell this week.

I was torn between two things that I wanted to share, and have opted to save the second for next week, so today I am going to talk about the beautiful gift that I received in the mail on Monday from Carleigh's Momma, Holly. Holly offered really beautiful giveaways last month in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My gift, and many of the others, were created by My Forever Child. I felt such joy when I received this gift in the mail, and of course, had to go up to the grave to share it with Peyton. While I was there I took these pictures.

Isn't it beautiful? This lovely necklace boasts a pink and blue (the picture just doesn't do it justice) Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Ribbon.

I have been wearing it with my little bootie charm that I was given by my mother in law at Peyton's funeral. This charm has her name engraved on the back.

To see what the rest of the class is sharing, visit here.

Compassion. Mel's 76th Show & Tell

I am fortunate. Even through this loss, I have reminded myself of this each day.

I have a husband, family, and a group of close friends who don't always "get" what I am going through, but love me regardless. I have an excellent therapist that specializes in this kind of loss, great medical care to help us through whatever this SIF is throwing at us, and we live without having to worry about our next meal, or whether or not we can pay the heating bill. These are just a few of the things I try to remind myself of in my darkest hours.

There are many mothers in this world who lose their children everyday without the comfort of a family, a roof over their head, a safe society to live in, access to medical care etc. It could be worse. There are so many in this world, even those that have never lost a child, that have it worse. Poverty, war, famine, the list goes on an on.

There is no shortage of grief in this world, and no shortage of people that could use our help, in some capacity or another.


When we were marking Peyton's first birthday, I really wanted to find something positive to do in her name. I have all these grand plans in mind about a Peyton Foundation I hope to one day set up to support NICU families. Even then, during the nightmare of worry that was Peyton's life, I realized how lucky were were to be together, in a hospital that specialized in children, and on the receiving end of many random acts of kindness. I have often thought how much harder it would have been to be there as a single parent, or to find ourselves instead in some huge city hospital where we could have gotten lost in the shuffle. I felt frustrated as Peyton's birthday approached to not yet be in a place where I could carry something like this out, but I do believe that in time, my energy will return, my emotions will be lifted, and this idea will get off the ground.

So, that left me in a bit of a pickle as Peyton's birthday approached. I was a mess. I wanted to do some good to mark her day, but also knew it needed to be something that wouldn't be affected by whether or not I was having a good or a bad day.

I sent checks out to our usual charities, but still felt like something was missing. I wanted something new. Something unique for her special day. I was reading around on the internet, trying to get ideas when I came across (Carleigh's Momma) Holly's family blog and the story of Shalini, a little girl from India that Carly sponsors through Compassion International. I knew once I saw the picture (and checked out Compassion International on Charity Navigator) that this was what I wanted to do as Peyton's Birthday gift. So today, for show and tell, I am sharing with you, our little sponsor child Lizeth. She is from Bolivia, 5 years old, and just adorable. Sponsorship covers food, education, bible studies, medical and dental expenses, job training for her parents.... and... birthday parties! How fun is that? I don't know why I loved that my sponsorship would get her a birthday party, but it brought a smile to my face and welcoming this little child into our heart at a point when we were so missing Peyton, well it just felt right. I searched many children's profiles, but I knew once I saw Lizeth, that she was the one...Anyone that matches a fancy party dress with boots and a turtle neck is my kinda kid!

We just received our first picture of her, sorry the picture quality here is so bad, I don't have a scanner so I took a picture of her picture. Last week we responded with our own picture and a letter back to her: How do you like school? What do you do for fun? Etc. Etc. I am really looking forward to learning all about her and her family.

To see what others are showing and telling, click Here. 


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Please also send Lisette some love today. Her little baby girl, Lauren Samantha, was born into her arms this Monday, and into Heaven shortly after.

Kindness Grows Here & In Rory's Garden - Mel's 75th Show & Tell

How far that little candle throws his beams!

So shines a good deed in a naughty world.

~William Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice

I have received so many amazing messages of support through this community since my craptastic visit to the Doctor on Monday, and I have to say, they have really been helping. There are no words appropriate to describe how much your  kindness has meant through this latest blow.


I don't know if you all realize just how deeply your comments resonate with me, how much comfort I find in them, or how much it means to know that there are others who understand what the news of SIF after losing your only baby can do to a person. So many of you know me only through this blog, and still, you reach out to hold my hand, cry, and pray with me. These actions mean so, so much.

This morning I woke to find a beautiful note in my inbox. It read:

Dear Kristin

I know you are having a heartbreakingly awful time at the moment. I am so deeply sorry. Whilst I’ll continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers I am also sending this as a gift of love from Rory’s Garden.
Sarah xxxxx

I felt such joy in receiving this gift, this random act of kindness. As Peyton's mother, seeing her little life honored in such a breathtaking and selfless way, knowing that someone who had never met us created this tribute with such care, it moved me to tears. Thank you so much Sarah.

I am sharing this with you all today because it is a beautiful, beautiful photograph, and it is my hope that in doing so, I can help to spread the word about the amazing Say It With Flowers project. 

Your messages of support, and this amazing gift, each act as a reminder to us all that we can, in our own special ways, shine beams of light onto the others in this community who are struggling  to find direction in the darkness.

Thank you for helping to light my path.


To see what others are showing visit here.

Friendship & Faith - Mel's Show & Tell & The Riggs "Feel Good" Blog Hop

Today for show and tell I am sharing a story of unexpected friendship and Faith.


When I was pregnant with Peyton, my cousin Erica was also expecting her first child, a little girl, due at the end of September.

This probably conjures up images in your head of the two of us hanging out, shopping for tiny clothes and celebrating our impending babies' births together, which of course is how it should have been, but our situation was a little more complicated. The truth of the matter is that because of some "stuff" that  isn't worth mentioning here, our families hadn't spoken for about 15 years, and neither Erica nor I were aware of each other's pregnancies.

A few weeks after Peyton was born, and while we were entrenched in her battle with Leukemia, Erica gave birth to a baby girl, Faith Margaret, a little miracle born with HLHS. HLHS is a congenital heart condition that essentially leaves Faith living with half of a heart and eventually requiring a transplant,  and one which is complicated further by an even rarer issue that Faith has with narrow veins.  What are the odds? Two cousins, both new mothers to amazing little girls born the same month, and both watching our daughters fight for their lives. The irony goes even further. Erica has the same name as one of the infants that our grandmother lost, a baby girl whose birthday I share.

A few months after Peyton's death, in a move I could never have anticipated (or would have expected),  Erica reached out to offer me her condolences, throwing open the lines of communication between us via Facebook and email at first, and finally resulting in us sitting down to talk in person. Ours was a near instant connection, not because we are related, but because we just "click" in the way that one does with their very closest of friends. We "get" each other. Our journeys are different, my little girl is gone, hers is still here, but we share the experience of loving children with congenital issues, and can joke with each other in a way that only comes from having faced the unimaginable. In an ironic twist, and one that has not been lost on me, these amazing little girls have brought us together to support one another through our journeys, and we have forged a beautiful friendship.

Erica is a wonderful mother to Faith. Her outlook is one of unwavering optimism, ever thankful of the blessing that God has granted her in her little girl, and when in her presence, you can't help but find her upbeat attitude contagious. I am so grateful for our friendship. As difficult as it is for me to be around little babies, it has actually been therapeutic to watch Faith as a little miracle in making, her progress against the odds helping to restore my faith in the power of prayer once again.

Faith is currently in the hospital with pneumonia, her recovery complicated by her HLHS and small veins. A trip to the pediatrician last Wednesday has, thus far, resulted in a week long hospitalization, and the news I received today is that she has quite a few days left in her stay. This little girl has already endured and overcome so much, open heart surgery, catheterizations, multiple hospitalizations, and with this week's pneumonia, Faith has also had to have her chest  tubed and drained of fluid;  all of this occurring over the course of her first birthday. Please visit Faith at her blog here and offer Erica, Faith (and, of course, Daddy Billy too :) ) some support and prayers to help them overcome this latest obstacle.

To see what others are showing and telling, please visit Mel's 73rd Show & Tell here.

Or to participate in the Riggs Family Blog Feel Good Blog Hop enter below...