Friday, July 30, 2010

Not my words...

But so, so true.

I don't know how many of you have come across this poem before. I haven't until today, and though I am not usually in the habit of posting other people's words to this site, this one really, really struck me.

For all my pregnancy after loss mommas, for those trying for rainbow babies, and those feeling too afraid to ever try again, this is for you.

A Different Child
A Poem

A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you,
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.

You'll understand
There was once a different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact, that child will never be of any trouble at all
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on Earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I am only here
Because my mother tried again."

"Written for Madoka Marietta Rosalie, from your mother,
Pandora Diane Waldron*--------March 4, 1999.

Remembering, with love, and not with sadness,
our Special Angel, Rhiannon Roxane,
who left this world 2 years ago today."

If my words can bring joy, hope or comfort to others, it is in this
way that I continue to honour the legacy of Rhiannon Roxane. Let your
child's memory be a living one, sharing the love you gave with others, and not a cold piece of stone."

-Pandora Diane Waldron

Monday, July 26, 2010

More words about missing my daughter...

I picture you here, nearly two
with eyes sparkling the deepest blue
and wonder what's a mom to do
when her sweet child has died

I imagine how you'd spend your day
finding laughter filled new ways to play
showing off the words you'd learned to say
imagining how you'd spread your wings

I can't help but to feel robbed sometimes
had it not been for death's evil crimes
I know life with you would have felt sublime
oh how I miss what might have been...

Sometimes I wonder if you would have been shy
ever clinging to your momma's thigh
or boldly would have been willing to try
your hand at exploring new things

oh how I long to feel you near
there's no time limit on grief I fear
or the bargaining and wishing you were still here
will I ever accept that you're gone?

so until we meet again some day
I will think of you sweet girl, and pray
that you know with every passing day
we'll always honor all you were

and no matter where it is you are
walking along the moon? riding on a star?
from my heart beat you are never far
your memory, my child, lives on

~Kristin Binder

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert

Morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child
innocent, unknowing
Winter's end

promises of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort

but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
Fear - Sarah Mclachlin

Do you see a theme here?

I am petrified.
Every day.
All day.

Of what happened last time.
Of whether it could happen this time.
Wondering what, if anything, I can do to alter destiny.

I find myself praying, and praying, and praying. Even through the confusion and anger and distance I have felt towards Him these last (almost) two years, I keep praying that this won't be like it was then.
Praying that these babies will grow, and be healthy, and we will be a normal family. A normal, boring, every day family, where the children come home from the hospital, and grow, and thrive.

But the fear... the oppressive, suffocating, debilitating fear.
It is always with me.

Even through my joy and love for these babies.
Even through the hopeful moments, the ultrasounds, the celebration.
Even as I write this, wishing I didn't have to, wishing I was someone else who didn't know how cruel life can be... I am afraid.

God, if you are listening, please protect us.
Please keep these babies healthy, keep my husband and I healthy, keep those I love and care for healthy.

Please allow us freedom from this dark place.
Allow us our time with the sun against our faces.

I have wandered through this side of the universe.
I have waded through its depths, and caught myself drowning.
I have pushed through what felt impossible, and survived loving and losing her.
I have learned hard lessons about life, and what it is to live, and myself.

I have done my time.
Please God, let that be enough.

I don't ask for wealth, fame, or success - but for normalcy, I stand here begging.


Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Results Are In...

Two sacs.
Two yolks.
Two beautiful heartbeats!

I don't know that I have ever been happier at the sight of something in my entire life.

Grow Snowflakes! Grow!

We go back next Friday for another ultrasound, and then my doc says I will be transferred to an OB.

Thank you for your prayers!

Friday, July 16, 2010

This is me asking for prayers... again

For the last few days I have been having a little cramping, sort of like I remember round ligament pain being with Peyton, but just much earlier. It's not all that painful, no doubling over or anything like that, just some aching crampiness. I am also having some back and leg cramps, though how much of that is because of all the hormones and shots I am on, I'm not sure, but what I DO know is that being pregnant, and googling anything that you are feeling, is a BAD, BAD, idea.

As a precaution (and to keep me from worrying all weekend) my Doc is having me come in this afternoon for an early ultrasound. I am 5 weeks 5 days today, so honestly I don't know how much they can see at this point. I know that I feel great, pregnancy wise that is. My sinus issues are another story. In terms of pregnancy I am growing more nauseous by the day, have soreness in my breasts, constantly have to pee, and need naps all the time. Thankfully, all signs there point to good things.

So this is me asking you for prayers... again. Please pray that this ultrasound goes well and my little snowflake(s) are right where they should be. 

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

They Paved Paradise & Put Up A Parking Lot

So my little snowflakes are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing. Granted, I don't know how many are in there, but since two went in, and I have cramps on both sides of my uterus, I just sort of assume that they both decided to stick around.

From what I hear, FET betas tend to be on the low side, but this has not been the case for me. Yesterday's blood work was all very good, thanks to the prayers and good vibes you have been sending my way. My Beta was 9158 (I am doubling every 1.8 days instead of every 2-3 days), Progesterone 39.9 (this huge jump may be due in part to the fact that I had to double up on shots two nights ago because of a needle malfunction), and Estrogen 393. Even though my estrogen numbers look good (they wanted them over 200), the Doc is continuing me on 4 patches per day, and my 1.5 cc's of Progesterone is staying the same, too.

Next Tuesday I go in for more bloodwork (I think just estrogen and progesterone at this point) and then Wednesday is the ultrasound when I get to see my little snowflake or snowflakes.

Please keep those prayers coming!

I have been walking around for the last few weeks with the song "Big Yellow Taxi" in my head. I don't know how it got in there, and even less so how to get it out. The lyrics "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone. They paved paradise and put up a parking lot" are stuck on repeat in my mind.

Lying in bed the other morning, having woken up to those words AGAIN, I got to thinking, and it hit me - I am the parking lot.

Bear with me on this one...

Before Peyton's birth/death, when I was happy in all aspects of my life (marriage, job, self, pregnancy, family, friendships, outlook, health) my world was paradise. Though I didn't realize it at the time, it was.

And then came Peyton's birth and death, and that paradise was violently dismantled and torn down.

I became just a heap of rubble, and stayed like that for a long time - probably a year.

That was the year I didn't brush my hair. The year of daily hours long visits at the cemetery. The year I accumulated so many lines around my forehead and eyes that I aged ten. The year that every smile was a lie.

As time progressed, I slowly started to rebuild. Things around me began to rise again - "a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swinging hot spot", and a new foundation for my life, a life after loss, was poured like asphalt as a parking lot.

At the end of the day, I am a poor replacement for what I once was - full, blooming, beautiful. As "paradise" I was untouched, undisturbed, and naive. I was innocent. In falling, that was lost.

Sometimes I get caught up on missing paradise, but then I remind myself that I have to look to the future and see that even as a lousy old parking lot, I have come a long way from that heap of rubble I once was.

I have come a long way, and I have a long way to go.

I wanted to let you all know how much I appreciated your messages of support regarding my pregnancy fears. I wish I could say they have calmed down, but I would be lying.

There are worries that I think all pregnant women feel - analyzing every cramp. Saying a little prayer with each trip to the bathroom. And then there are other worries. Those that are born of the unique situation of being pregnant after your only child has died.

These are the worries that can be debilitating.

I keep thinking, if I did so much right for Peyton in that pregnancy, and she still was born so ill, that I have to find some way to do a hundred times more to protect these little ones. My appetite is suffering greatly because I can't help but wonder with each spoonful of food, whether or not I have done a good enough job of checking the ingredients on my lentil soup or rice mix to be sure that no ugliness like MSG has slipped in under a different name.

I can't tell you how much it irks me that the FDA allows food companies to use misleading names like "Yeast extract" for MSG on packages. Where do they get off? I shouldn't have to do a full out investigation just to know what I am putting in my body. Even more frustrating is that some of the organic products that I have purchased from the health food store, too, have these misleading labels.

I know there are some who may read this post and label me a loon who has gone overboard obsessing about what I eat, but those people (for the most part) have never had their daughter ripped from their body and then learned mere minutes later that though she was pink, and beautiful, and perfect, she had cancer and was going to die.

That being said, this place has always been a space of honest expression for me, and I would rather write what I am truly thinking and feeling, even at the risk of drawing some judgments from others, than censor what I share here.

Even I, a woman of many, many words, cannot sum up appropriately how terrifying it is to live in fear of cancer. Witnessing what Peyton went through was horrible, and ugly, and the threats of this terrible disease seem to be everywhere.

In some way or another, it seems, every item we come into contact with has had some study linking it to cancer - canned food, body lotions, makeup, deodarant, soda, household products, charred bits of meat, potato skins, the list goes on and on and on.

I am afraid.
So very, very afraid.

I used to brush these warnings off. I used to say things like, "yeah, but you would have to eat SO MUCH of it to have any effect," and then I watched chemo deplete my daughter of her immune system, and a fungal infection take over her being, and her die in my arms, and that argument lost its weight with me.

So here I sit, pregnant with two little snowflakes who I love so much, trying, trying, TRYING with all I have to be a healthy vessel and give them the best of everything so that they can come into this world healthy and happy and normal, and there are meth-heads abusing their bodies and birthing  beautiful healthy babies that they don't care for or appreciate, and I have to tell you, it just seems so, so unfair.

Why should these people be entitled to getting off scott free? Why aren't they the ones affected by infertility?

Why does it seem that all of the tough lessons of loss are only reserved for those of us who so love and want our babies?


I have been thinking about Peyton alot lately. Not that that is any different, but thinking about what she would be like as a nearly two year old, and those thoughts just break my heart for her again.

I think about dressing her up, and watching her promptly get messed up. I think about her playing with our friends' daughter, Caitlyn, born a few months before she was, and how at this age they would be talking with real words, and some bits of sentences, and have their very own bond of friendship.

I think of what it would be, to have a full pregnant belly, with big sis looking over it, and it hurts.

She was robbed.
We were robbed.

I can't imagine that any amount of blessings can every bring peace to the portion of my heart reserved solely for her.

And so I sit here and I wonder how any of this can be possible?

How I can be so petrified, and excited, and heartbroken, and overjoyed all at once?

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

2nd Beta

So the numbers at yesterday's beta were, for the most part, good. My beta more than doubled, increasing 216% in the 48 hour period. My progesterone stayed just about the same, down to 26 from 28. I asked about the lower progesterone and was told that it was not a big deal. Progesterone levels can change a little day to day, and they think anything over 20 is good. As is my protocol, I am continuing the 1.5 cc injections of Progestrone in Oil daily. There are welts the size of golfballs dotting the landscape of my upper rear, but I don't care. It is all worth it!

The only number that didn't look so great was my estrogen. They want it over 200, and mine was at 140. I have been taking 3 Vivelle Dot patches every 2 days as is, and have now been upped to 4 patches. Please pray that the estrogen situation remedies itself so I can be taken off these patches sooner than later - their side effects really freak me out.

So there it is. I am pregnant as pregnant can be :) I go back next Tuesday for another beta, and then will have our first ultrasound at 6.5 weeks to see how many little snowflakes are in there. At the end of our call, my IVF nurse gave me my due date, which took me off guard for some reason. I guess I am still in a bit of shock about being pregnant. It's March 13, 2011.

I am trying to soak up the joy in this news and just be, but as is usually the case with me, I worry. Yesterday's news about my estrogen threw me into a googling panic searching for success stories of pregnancies with low estrogen, but I didn't come up with much of anything, good or bad. I am trying to tell myself that it's because it is not a big issue.  I think it is maybe to be expected to have low estrogen when coming off a frozen cycle, but I am not sure.

With my first IVF I had high estrogen, but I was on stimulating drugs then. The drugs for the frozen cycle were for suppression of hormones, and essentially put me in menopause. I guess my body is just taking a little longer than we would like to catch up.

I worry about things within my control (what I eat, what I drink, what I do or don't use i.e. lotions, make-up) and I worry about things outside of my control (cramping, if my boobs hurt enough, our stupid town deciding to unexpectedly pave our road yesterday.) The last one really urked me. As soon as we saw what they were doing, hubs and I hit the road, and stayed away all day not wanting me to be near any type of fumes. We came back several hours after they had finished and still, even today, a part of me worries that there might be something lingering that could do harm.

The worrying can be paralyzing.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be overjoyed, and happy, and naive. I guess that's what it really comes down to, isn't it? In losing Peyton, I have lost my right to be naive. My innocence is gone.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited to the point that I am even letting this news sort of sink in and feel real, but even as I celebrate, I can't help worrying about how much is at stake, and that's overwhelming. I thought I did everything right with Peyton. Trying to figure out how to do even more right for these snowflakes is exhausting.

I can't tell you all what it has meant to receive so many loving comments of support and prayer at my news. It can be so hard in the ALI community to see a blog with a BFP while you are still waiting, and I know the strength of character it took for so many of you to extend congratulations. Thank you.

I have been blessed so immensely by this community, in the way that you have stood hand in hand with me through every step of this journey, and want you to know that never, once, has your kindness gone unnoticed or unappreciated.

I ask that you continue to pray with me (or send good thoughts, call on the universe, whatever works for you)  that my estrogen numbers improve and I can get off some of the more scary meds. That at the end of this pregnancy, these snowflakes (however many are in there) come into this world healthy and happy. And for me, that I can see through the worry and fear and find the strength within to feel the sheer joy that is this pregnancy.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I don't claim to be a photographer but...

I think you get the picture...

Needless to say, we are thrilled.

Today's bloodwork:.
Beta 308. 
Progesterone 28. 

Today is 11 days past 3 day transfer of our 2 little snowflakes.

We go back in on the 6th for our second beta. 
Please keep those prayers coming!

**This is a note for my friends struggling with infertility** Please never, ever give up hope! As someone who has spent the better part of the last two years worrying that this moment would never happen for us, I understand what it is to be there. Please see in this post the possibility in all things, even those which at times can feel so painfully impossible.