|"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."|
--- Frank Herbert
like the face of a newborn child
promises of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort
but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
Fear - Sarah Mclachlin
Do you see a theme here?
I am petrified.
Of what happened last time.
Of whether it could happen this time.
Wondering what, if anything, I can do to alter destiny.
I find myself praying, and praying, and praying. Even through the confusion and anger and distance I have felt towards Him these last (almost) two years, I keep praying that this won't be like it was then.
Praying that these babies will grow, and be healthy, and we will be a normal family. A normal, boring, every day family, where the children come home from the hospital, and grow, and thrive.
But the fear... the oppressive, suffocating, debilitating fear.
It is always with me.
Even through my joy and love for these babies.
Even through the hopeful moments, the ultrasounds, the celebration.
Even as I write this, wishing I didn't have to, wishing I was someone else who didn't know how cruel life can be... I am afraid.
God, if you are listening, please protect us.
Please keep these babies healthy, keep my husband and I healthy, keep those I love and care for healthy.
Please allow us freedom from this dark place.
Allow us our time with the sun against our faces.
I have wandered through this side of the universe.
I have waded through its depths, and caught myself drowning.
I have pushed through what felt impossible, and survived loving and losing her.
I have learned hard lessons about life, and what it is to live, and myself.
I have done my time.
Please God, let that be enough.
I don't ask for wealth, fame, or success - but for normalcy, I stand here begging.