Wednesday, July 21, 2010


"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert

Morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child
innocent, unknowing
Winter's end

promises of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort

but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
Fear - Sarah Mclachlin

Do you see a theme here?

I am petrified.
Every day.
All day.

Of what happened last time.
Of whether it could happen this time.
Wondering what, if anything, I can do to alter destiny.

I find myself praying, and praying, and praying. Even through the confusion and anger and distance I have felt towards Him these last (almost) two years, I keep praying that this won't be like it was then.
Praying that these babies will grow, and be healthy, and we will be a normal family. A normal, boring, every day family, where the children come home from the hospital, and grow, and thrive.

But the fear... the oppressive, suffocating, debilitating fear.
It is always with me.

Even through my joy and love for these babies.
Even through the hopeful moments, the ultrasounds, the celebration.
Even as I write this, wishing I didn't have to, wishing I was someone else who didn't know how cruel life can be... I am afraid.

God, if you are listening, please protect us.
Please keep these babies healthy, keep my husband and I healthy, keep those I love and care for healthy.

Please allow us freedom from this dark place.
Allow us our time with the sun against our faces.

I have wandered through this side of the universe.
I have waded through its depths, and caught myself drowning.
I have pushed through what felt impossible, and survived loving and losing her.
I have learned hard lessons about life, and what it is to live, and myself.

I have done my time.
Please God, let that be enough.

I don't ask for wealth, fame, or success - but for normalcy, I stand here begging.



  1. praying that you are able to find some peace and have more moments of enjoyment and love in this pregnancy than fear and anxiety. as much as i look forward to my own rainbow pregnancy, i am terrified that i will be terrified for 9 months!

  2. Praying for peace and healthy babies for you. A big hug for you....

  3. I first read "The litany against fear" in Dune when I was 14. It was very profound then, and more so now. Have you read the books?

    There isn't anything I can tell you that will take the fear away. It was my constant companion right up till the end. I don't live in fear now... but I do find it very hard not to use the sids moniter... which indicates the fear is still there, just not as profound. I shall have to wean myself off of it I am afraid. :(

    I am begging with you, that Fate/God/the Universe leave you in peace/

  4. Hope is the thing with feathers
    That perches in the soul,
    And sings the tune without the words,
    And never stops at all,

    And sweetest in the gale is heard;
    And sore must be the storm
    That could abash the little bird
    That kept so many warm.

    I've heard it in the chillest land,
    And on the strangest sea;
    Yet, never, in extremity,
    It asked a crumb of me.

    ~Emily Dickenson, about hope...just in case you need a new theme ;-)

  5. Being pregnant after a loss makes the mind do terrible things. Hang in there as best you can. I'm wishing you peace.

  6. I wish I was there to give you a big hug. I live in fear all day long too - and I struggle to find some peace.

    My prayer for you is that God will give you some comfort, some peace, during your days and nights. Of course, I'm also praying your little babies are growing healthy and strong.

    We have to take each day, each hour, sometimes each minute, one at a time. Please know you aren't alone in being overwhelmed by fear.

  7. That quote from Dune is one of my favorites. Fear is definitely the mind killer. There is nothing I can say to calm your fears...but I will say that I abide with you.

  8. Breathe, meditate, walk, talk, journal, blog . . . I don't think you can get rid of the fear, but you can try to keep it in check. I wish you joy and peace alongside your fear and I hope you get that normalcy you crave.

  9. i'm sure you know that stress & worry isn't good for the babies... so i am praying extra hard that you will have peace that passes all understanding, which is found in Him alone. :-) i know you want to do what's best for these little ones you're now carrying, so i pray God will give you the ability to do that, even when you don't know how.

    as hard as it is, TRY to embrace each second you have with them. something i've learned through hard times in life is that if something bad does happen, i always regret not embracing what i had while i had it... but the times i DID embrace it, i had very few regrets, if any. of course i'm praying that won't be an issue because those babies will be born healthy & stay with you for many years - i'm just sharing what i've learned. i've never lost a child, i'm not even a parent, and i certainly would NEVER compare my suffering to yours... but i know pain, i was abused for 11 years & then kidnapped. taken to mexico, held there for a month, traumatized beyond belief. then in june 2008 i was diagnosed with a condition that means brain surgeries for the rest of my life - found out on monday that i'll need another one soon. THREE BRAIN SURGERIES IN 18 MONTHS. and next week i'm turning 24 so i'm pretty young. plus i've had a migraine disorder since i was in kindergarten, and when i was about 14 i started getting a migraine EVERY...SINGLE...DAY. literally. even my Johns Hopkins doctor doesn't know what to do with me.

    again, i am in NO WAY comparing my pain to yours. i know losing a child beats all of my issues hands down. i'm simply saying that i've learned these lessons through pain that, TO ME, seems to be beyond all hope at times. and i certainly do not take sharing those lessons lightly.

    if there's anything i can do for you, please let me know.

    praying for you,

  10. I lived in fear everyday of my pregnancy with my rainbow baby. I tried SO hard to enjoy it and treasure the days but I just could not keep the fear at bay. It is so hard, I hope and pray for moments of peace, two happy healthy babies and 9 months that go by quickly.

  11. I don't pray, but posts like this make me feel like I might take it up! Anything that could possibly help you and these babies get across the line.

  12. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Again, I know my situation is different, but again, it's all I have to compare it too. I live in fear of another family member being murdered. It is a fear that I don't think will ever leave me. And when your beautiful twinnies are 18 years old, you may still find that the fear of losing them resides in your heart. The pain of an unacceptable loss never leaves. No external event can change that, no matter how happy it is. I suppose we have to somehow find some peace within ourselves, wouldn't it be nice to just press a button and make it happen!

  13. Praying for you...for peace and comfort...strength, protection (for you and your babies)...and for freedom from the crippling grip of this fear. Praying with a heart that remembers the fear and aches for you...

  14. Praying that all will go well this time, that you can get to experience "normal"!

  15. I understand that fear so much. I am scared to death to even try and get pregnant again. You and the babies are in my prayers. I am praying for peace and health!

  16. Wishing you peace and good health with these babies... hang onto your faith and strength.

  17. The fear is so overwhelming. I am praying with you.

  18. I hate the fear but it's nearly impossible not to have. I am praying for you and your babies.

  19. I find myself in a different place. Feeling fear for different reasons. I have three living children. My 4th child died from Anencephaly an hour after he was born last April. I have had 2 miscarriages since. I started Clomid again yesterday, and after a (very) brief feeling of excitement, I feel horrid fear. What happens if it happens again? What happen is this is it for me?? What happens if there are no more babies??

    Thinking of you!!

    xoxo Misty

  20. "Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are truly blessed, finding as He promised, perfect peace and rest." This snippet of a hymn has helped me through many a hard time. When my mind gets stuck on the worry wheel, I just keep singing this song over and over until I realize i am thinking about something else. Continuing to pray for you and your family.

  21. I don't mean this in the wrong way, and I don't want to offend anyone, but I think it's pretty obvious that what is going to happen is going to happen. The reason I say that is because I don't want you to feel one bit of guilt or worry because you are afraid. Of course you are afraid...your life experience has shown you that there are some really, really scary and devastating situations out there.

    So when people tell me, "Don't worry, it's not good for the baby," I just want to say..."Oh yeah, neither is being perfectly fine and dying...but I didn't have anything to do with THAT either."

    I know they mean well, and of course the stress has some chemical reactions within you and possibly with the baby, but really, telling you not to worry is like telling you to change your eye color, at least in my opinion.

    SO, I will pray for your peace, pray for your worries (and I know they will exist, they simply could not be otherwise) to be minimal and your joy to be so strong and exuberant that it will overshadow the worry and the fear.


  22. Praying for all this and more with you.


  23. All the other commentators have said it all so much more profoundly than I but I wanted to say that this corner of the internet helped me profoundly during my PAL. When I had so much fear, it helped to know there were so many others hoping for me. We're all hoping for your snowflakes.

  24. Praying for you and with you. Fear can overtake our whole being. I hope that you are able to have some moments of peace. I know it is hard but we do have to hope and pray that the little ones stay healthy and safe.

  25. I do hope that your fear subsides and you know peace for this pregnancy and then lots of joy.

    But I think it is inevitable really so be gentle on yourself