"Fathering"

This month I am participating in Kathy Benson's Time Warp Tuesday. Kathy's instructions are to "Write a new blog post on which you introduce, link to, and then reflect on your journey since you wrote the older blog post..."

For this month's theme of "Fathering," I am sharing the post, (Father's) Day, that I wrote in June of 2009.

In the post I say:

You were meant to be a Father. I don't know if I ever told you this, but it was you that made me want to have a family.I have been so fortunate to receive your love, to know your kindness,and I wanted to share that- you, with a child. 

There was so much pain, hopelessness, hurt and grief in my words of that post. I remember the guilt I felt every time I would see my husband, because (right or wrong) I blamed myself for being unable to bring Peyton into this world healthy. Everything after her passing felt so final. Like we were destined to live a half-life, walking this universe forever childless.

What a difference three years makes. 

I took this picture the other day:

The kiddos were sick with ear infections and nasty colds, and Hubs, home not even five minutes from work, quickly threw on sneakers and brought them outside. He found a way, despite how uncomfortable, feverish, etc. they were, to make them smile.

I went back to my old post and after reading it, I just feel so grateful. Grateful for the man I married. Grateful for the father I have given all three of my children. My husband loves without judgement. He is patient, and kind, and funny and I don't honestly know how we got from there to here, because survival felt impossible so many times over during our journey, but the gratitude I feel for having this man to share my life, my heart, and my family with--is immense.

His love for Peyton is never ending. His love for our Snowflakes is ever growing. He is the father I knew he was meant to be and more. The epitome of the word: "Fathering." 

All Time Favorite Post - Time Warp Tuesday

Kathy, at Four of a Kind, has come up with a great blog hop. It's called Time Warp Tuesday, and each week she gives you a theme, and you look through your archives for a post that fits that theme. I was torn this week, because the theme is All Time Favorite Post, and honestly, that's a tough one. I turn to this blog for so many things - to vent, to share, to celebrate, to cry, to express myself through the written word, to create, to document - and each post has a different significance for me. I have a favorite poem. A favorite vent. An epiphany that means the world to me. And then certainly, without a doubt, the announcement of the safe arrival of my Snowflakes has been my favorite moment documented here, so picking my All Time Favorite Post actually felt a lot harder than it may sound.

I've already decided which post I will be submitting to Mel's creme de la creme for 2011, and was going to post that here today, but while that may be my favorite post from this year, to get my All Time Favorite Post I have to go back - way back, to a post titled  On Falling.

This post is my favorite because it brings me spiritually and creatively back to a place where I felt so in tune with my emotions. It highlights what a gift grief can be. Yes, you read that right -  a gift - because grief provides you with a deeper, richer view of the world. It helps you to see meanings that you may have overlooked before loss. It proves that even in the pain, there is still so much beauty to be found. Beauty that encourages you to keep trying. To keep going.

Many of you have already read the post. Some of you have not. Give it a read and let me know what you think, then be sure to hop over to Four of a Kind and submit your own favorite.