Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Dear God,

So I went to the doctors today, and gotta say, I am not too happy. The (insert expletive of your choice here) blood clot/SCH has grown... GROWN! Despite now nearly three weeks of bedrest. 

9cm at it's largest point when I had my big bleed, it is now 12.5cm x 5.5cm x 2.5cm. I mean really, cut me some damn slack universe. 

For the most part I have been very optimistic throughout this whole SCH ordeal (annoyed, but optimistic) and yes, I should mention, both babies still look beautiful and well so Thank God for that! It's just that I can only handle so much. I have spent the last four years trying to have a family, and have been met by heartache and roadblocks every step of the way. It's not that I am upset to still be on bedrest, I will do whatever it takes to get these snowflakes here safe and sound, it's that I have been doing all I can and up until now, it hasn't mattered... much like with Peyton I did all I could and it didn't matter, and with the baby before her that I miscarried. It gets to be a bit much to handle.

The doctor talked to me about things I don't want to talk about. Risks of miscarriage, stillbirth and premature labor associated with these hemorrages. She wasn't being an alarmist, just doing her job of keeping me informed, and I started to cry, because these are not distant worries for me. I know what loss feels like. I live it each and every day. She then put the doppler to my belly, and for the first time I heard their heartbeats, but the moment wasn't what it should have been, it was tainted by the fear and worry and tears that came with the news that the SCH had grown, and that makes me even madder at it.

She then asked what I have been doing at home, and I told her that per the other doctor's recommendations (this is a large practice) I have been doing bed to couch to bed type stuff and she said, "oh that must be so hard with a two year old running around at home, I saw in your chart that you already have a child." And I cried harder because I do have a child, or I did, but I never brought her home, and she certainly never was afforded the luxury of running around. The conversation was innocent enough on the OB's part, but it socked me in the gut with a force that made the room spin. On my way out I asked the receptionist to retrieve my file. She did, and I said, "I know this may be an unorthodox request, but can you please mark in some LARGE and LEGIBLE way, that my daughter is dead, and that while I don't mind any doctor here talking about the fact that she has passed, having to re-inform every doctor that asks me seemingly benign question about my child who is not, in fact, running around at home, is very painful for me."

She said she understood.

Every day I have people telling me to embrace each day of this pregnancy with joy, and to be thankful for it, and of course I am thankful - I love my babies and not a day goes by that I forget what a miracle their conception was- but embracing the day with sheer joy really feels like a pretty unrealistic expectation to place on me when countless hours spent in bed, and every trip to the restroom and check of the toilet paper, is a reminder of this stupid clot and the possible threats it brings with it. I will say that up until today (with exception of the day of my big bleed) I have shed no tears for this SCH, trying my best to push it to the back of my mind, but today it got the best of me, and I wept, and wept, and wept.

I know it is pathetic to play this card, because I know that life is not fair, but I just want to scream (yet again) that THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!

So God, universe, law of attraction - what have you, I am begging, pleading, and praying, PLEASE make this stupid SCH shrink and go away so that I CAN embrace every day with these babies with sheer joy and celebration - because I think they (and dare I say, I) deserve it.

PS I have not forgotten about my giveaway. I will announce the winner in my next post. Just feeling a little overwhelmed for it today.


  1. Hang in there, Kristin. I know how hard it is, but hang in there, for your snowflakes. Sending hugs.

  2. I am here to give you hope. I had a horribly massive SCH and my baby was literally hanging on to my uterus by a string. It slowly, and I mean slowly went away. If you would like to read about it go to my blog and read through January and February of this year. I must warn you that my pregnancy had extreme complications starting at week 19 but they had nothing to do with my sch! Just my crappy luck...Anyway, my story turned into a miracle. I even posted pics if the sch. I wish you the very best and I am praying for you right now. I stayed very still. I drank lots if water. It was a very hard time but she made it through.

  3. Oh Kristen ~ I feel your pain and heartache in your words. You absolutely, without a doubt, deserve a break... some peace of mind... sending you lots of love and strength.


  4. Oh hun I read every one of your posts and I know how hard it is, and all I can do is to pray for you and your little snowflakes and your sweetheart Peyton and send you tons and tons of virtual hugs and I'm so glad you found a strenght to have your file marked, cause otehrwise I would suggest that you do
    Hugs and hugs and more hugs

  5. This must be so frightening for you! I hope that the clot shrinks soon!

  6. This post made my stomach turn with anxiety. I, too understand the pain/grief/torture of multiple loss and I can only imagine how scared you must be right now. Thinking of you often and will anxiously await your next post saying how great your little snowflakes look. Thinking of you...

  7. It's not pathetic at all. I would be frustrating and upset and scared shitless too. In fact I'm pretty sure I did feel like that when I was pregnant with Jasper. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Sending you much love and hugs and wishes for a wonderful and safe arrival of your snowflakes.


  8. Praying LOUD and HARD for you. your babies will be ok, i promise!

  9. I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this, nobody should ever have to but especially after how much you have already been through. It is so, so unfair. I wish you and these babies well and hope so much that they are safe and healthy.
    sending love to you.

  10. I am so sorry that this is happening. It is SO unfair!!! I'm sending you good thoughts and praying this damn clot starts shrinking!!

  11. Well, it's not fair. You are 100% correct. I'm so sorry you had to learn that the thing is growing instead of shrinking. Praying extra hard that it will begin to absorb, quickly, very quickly.

    PS any chance that it was a measuring error on the doctor's part?

  12. It is not frakking fair...not at all. And, dammit, I want it easy for you. I want it good for you. But, most of all, I want those babies to keep growing. Lots and lots of prayers coming your way.

  13. I am so sorry, I wish things were easier for you and that you could just get a break. AND I wish doctors would not say such stupid things, that always seems to be the place that I get blindsided too.

  14. It totally isnt fair. You are right. Shout it as loud as you need.

  15. Nooooo!!!!

    Damn clot!

    I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry the first sounds of your babies' heartbeats were not the way it should have been.

    But thank god they are doing well - I pray for them daily, and for you too.

    And bravo for asking them to put a note in your file - what a blow to have the doctor say those things. I really don't know why they don't think of putting a cover sheet on your file when you've experiences losses - then the doctors, nurses, whoever, will know the most important thing right up front.

    I'm sending out positive vibes to the universe for you and your little babies.

    ((Big Hugs))

  16. This is so terrible. So incredibly horrible.

    Is there nothing they can do to remove the bloodclot? Is it possible that it will be reabsorbed (is it in the uterine lining)?

    Explain in your next post how it works when it goes away, that way we can all visualise the positive outcome when we pray for you xxx

  17. It isn't fair. I hate, HATE, that you are going through this. Why can't it just be easy for you this time around? You have been through more than anyone should have to go through.

    I'm so glad the babies look good right now. I am hoping and praying that the SCH goes away, or at least shrinks, soon.

    I'm glad you asked the receptionist to make the note on your chart about Peyton. You shouldn't have to keep enduring comments about how busy you must be with her.

    Sending you love and hugs.

  18. Oh Kristin, I have sat here sobbing & sobbing. This is not fair. I am so upset that you have to deal with this.

    When I was dealing with minor complications, spotting & cramping I could not for the life of me enjoy this pregnancy. It was sucked away with all the worry. I am so sorry you have to feel that each & every day.

    I am praying that this clot starts to shrink and go away so you can start to enjoy this pregnancy with your snowflakes. Enjoy it in the way you only can after loss.

    Always thinking of you.

  19. I've also had to repeatedly inform nurses that Lyra died. Adds so much to an already stressful visit...ugh. Glad the receptionist helped you with that though.
    Thinking of you and the snowflakes and hoping so very much that the clot shrinks.

  20. I have been following your blog for awhile and I think of you often. I can't believe the comment your doctor made, even in a large practice these things should be largely noted. I am so sorry that happened to you, especially with all of the other info during that visit. I have lost 2 babies to birth defects and one to miscarriage. I am blessed to have given birth to a healthy child as well...I pray you soon know the wonderful side of parenting your two precious snowflakes!

  21. Crying with you, it's not fair!!! Praying that the clot goes aways and lets you rest. The fear is so consuming. ((HUGS))

  22. I do not think it is pathetic at all to play the "its not fair" card, this is not fair and I am sorry that you have had to endure all that you have. Your feelings are definitely understandable. Been thinking about you even though I haven't commented as much. *hugs*

  23. I just want to scream at the heavens right now for you. That may not be the "proper" thing to do, but damn... Blame it on the fact that I too had a SCH or the fact that I lost my daughter 3 weeks ago (not due to the SCH, it cleared up on it's own) but I just want to scream "Why?" for you. I cannot imagine what you feel right now, I can only pray for you and that I will do. I read your post and it brought tears to my eyes, you do deserve a break dear friend and I so hope one finds you soon. Keep your chin up:) I know that is easier said than done :( Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  24. Oh Kristin...I just don't know what to say other than I am so sorry and totally and completely understand why you can't truly 'enjoy' every bit of your pregnancy...how could you and still be realistic? I'm sorry that again, your joy is being stolen and I pray that this stupid clot GOES AWAY. For the love of God, PLEASE GO AWAY, CLOT!

    And you know, I just said a little prayer of thanks for the compassion that my doctors had---even though the other day I was a little out of joint. I had to go to the front desk for something and my folder was open (I never even see it normally!) and in BIG, BLACK letters was written:


    I hated those words and hated them being in that folder and really just wanted to puke at seeing them.

    And yet--they save me from the heartache that you had to endure at your appointment and for that, I'm so, so, so sorry for you and humbled at my lack of gratitude that my doctors make sure nothing like that happens to me--even if it sickens me that it has to be that way.

    Constantly, constantly keeping you and those sweet babies in prayer.

  25. You're right. SO not fair. God can do ALL things.

    xo M.

  26. Oh my dear I cannnot think of anyone more deserving of a break than you. I can only imagine how concerned you must be, on top of eberything else you have suffered. I think those who tell you to embrace the pregnancy with joy are being a little insensitive. If you're still in touch with your therapist maybe you could arrange some phone sessions to help you through. Thinking of you and checking back here very regularly. Elizabeth xxx

  27. I am so sorry to hear. I was told I had 2 SCH recently and was placed on strict bedrest for almost 2 months.

    I was told the technician measuring can cause a pretty significant margin of error depending on what points they use.

    I was a success story, I hope you will be too. It took awhile, but I'm completely off of bedrest and can be as active as I want, including running. There may still be some hope.

  28. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for shrinking clots and healthy babes. You do deserve to be able to celebrate this time. Sending hugs.

  29. It is too easy to just say, "be joyful during this pregnancy." Hope is a dangerous, very dangerous thing...

  30. totally unfair.
    Please God let this bluddy SCH bugger off!
    The snowflakes are so so loved already