Thanks(for)Giving-Mel's 80th Show & Tell

I know my posts have been a little blah lately, the lack of BFP's has had me really down, among other things, but today is Thanksgiving, and so I am gonna change it up a bit and highlight some of the good things in my life.

This Thanksgiving, I am extremely thankful for my good health, my loving husband, my wonderful family, the fact that I have survived this year, and of course the support of great friends both IRL and here in this community. Even during those times where I have fallen deeply into the crevasses of grief, I have felt all your hands of support on me, and for this I feel a depth of gratitude that knows no words.

For the last week I have had something new to feel thankful for too, and it is that which I am going to focus on today for Mel's Show & Tell. Today I am thankful for the outpouring of generosity and encouragement that we have received in regards to our Doing Good In Her Name initiative.

For those of you who don't know, we have set up a new site in Peyton's honor at www.doinggoodinhername.com to assist critically ill infants and their families at Connecticut Children's Medical Center, the hospital where our sweet Peyton spent her life. It has only been a week, and Doing Good In Her Name is off to a great start.

A very close friend was the first to make a donation to our collection. I was floored when she gave us a check for $100 to be used to purchase food and parking vouchers to help the families with sick infants at the hospital. The parking is very costly at Peyton's hospital, and the expense can really add up. I know from experience how appreciated this gift will be. 

Next we received a beautiful batch of items for our CCMC drive from a girl I went to high school with. We haven't seen each other since graduation (*gulp* 12 years), and she reached out to me last week to let me know that she had put some items together for our collection. I was blown away by her generosity. Take a peek at these wonderful things that she donated.

Then, earlier this week, I found two goodies in the Doing Good In Her Name P.O. Box. First was a $20 donation from my cousin. She has really been there for me through this last year, and her generous donation really touched my heart. Then, on the same day, another box came, sent to us by the mother of the woman who donated the above items. She too had heard about what we were doing for the little warriors at CCMC, and wanted to help. Take a look at all of the wonderful things she sent. So many children will benefit from her generosity.

The blessings continued. Today one of my bloggy pals from the U.K. added two wonderful Baby Einstein CD's to the collection. She was so smart, she ordered them from Amazon.com's U.S. site and therefore didn't have to pay overseas shipping, which I thought was just wonderful. I wish I had pictures of the CD's, but I didn't get a chance to take any yet. I will add them as soon as I do.

And then there were all the beautiful messages from so many of you about donations that you are planning to make to honor Peyton's memory. Words cannot express just how much these messages, too, have meant to me.

As members of this babyloss community, I know that you can truly understand just how desperately I need to feel something good come out of all of this grief and loss. Whether your help comes to us through donations, or by simply saying a prayer or sending up good thoughts on behalf of this initiative, from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU. You all are helping us make this dream of helping other little warriors like Peyton a reality.

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I know how difficult this holiday is going to be for us all, and I am praying for each of you to feel some sense of peace, despite the pain of facing this day without your little angels. Tomorrow I will be thinking of all of you, and of each of your sweet little ones who have become so important to me through your blogs.  I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving.

To see what others are showing and telling, visit Mel's blog here.

If these walls could talk

This is how my day started this morning.


Hubs.  So....
Me. So?
Hubs. So... are you hiding something from me. *big grin* are you hiding the test?
Me. Oh... no. I threw it in the trash.
Hubs. Oh...
Me. It was negative... again.


I wish I hadn't surprised him with the test when I was pregnant with Peyton. 
Just another day in the life...


**By the way, my day got worse when I accidentally posted this on the Doing Good In Her Name site, thinking I was working on this one... I felt like such an idiot. 

Ornament Info

Just  a quick post here. So many of you had commented about the adorable ornament that I had offered for my first blog giveaway, asking if there was any way for you to contact the artist and buy one for yourself. I wasn't sure, since mine was purchased at a local craft fair, but I promised that if I found any contact info I would share it with you. Good news, I got a call today with the following info.

If you would like to order one, send an email to Allison at beadsprout@yahoo.com. My understanding from the woman who provided me with this email is that quantities are fairly limited. I hope this helps.

**I should mention I didn't speak with Allison directly, but instead to the woman who ran the show, so unfortunately I can't make any guarantees about Allison's schedule, turnaround time, availability etc. But I do hope she gets back to you all, and that you are able to get the ornaments.

This Loss

The air, thick with rain, sits heavily on my lungs.
You know the truth though, don't you little one?
It is not the air at all, nor the rain.
It is not the gray skies, nor the clouds that loom foreboding.
It is not the season, nor the date.
The holidays, nor their meaning.
It is this loss.
Whole. Heavy. Unyielding.
It is this loss that makes brief the happiest of moments.
It is this loss that brings tears among strangers in crowds.
It is this loss that makes the simplest of questions difficult to answer.
Do I have any children?
Did I have any children?
I wonder, is she still mine if she is now His?
It is this loss that hangs like a weighted cloak.
It is this loss that places depth in everything.
It is this loss that allows nothing to pass without being assigned symbolism.
It is this loss, and I can't fight it.
There is no solution.
It is bigger than I am.
Stronger.
More determined.
It is this loss, and it is winning.

~Kristin Binder

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Sad news to report. The little boy, Noah Biorkman, who asked for Christmas cards, passed away this morning. Please join me in praying for strength for his family. It is a testament to the generosity of the human spirit, and should be noted, that this sweet warrior received over 1 million cards in the last few weeks.

On Pause

Not much to report here... unfortunately.

We are still wishing for the elusive BFP, but stick after stick seem to confirm what the doctors have told us, that bringing another little life into this world will take work, and tests, and medication, and procedures. I will keep praying though, AF is not due for another day or two. We were supposed to meet with the genetic counselor this past week to see if there could have been any hereditary cause for Peyton's cancer, but the appointment was canceled. Apparently the hospital where Peyton spent her life has not yet sent over her medical records, and the appointment was contingent on the counselor having a chance to review our medical histories as well as Peyton's to see if she can spot anything test worthy. This is more than a little frustrating seeing as how the records were requested almost two months ago, and were promised to be sent within thirty days. Our fertility appointment was set to happen after meeting with the genetic counselor, and that too has been canceled... a reschedule contingent on our rescheduled genetic counseling appointment. So we wait, and wait, and wait.

I have talked about this here before many times, about how our life seems to be on pause. Every time we try to take a step forward out of this hole, boulders fall into our path and beat us back. All around us I see families growing. My sister is due to have her third this week. A very close friend who was pregnant with her first at the same time I was, is due to have her second in the new year. Life moves on around us, and all the while we fall farther and farther behind. It's a double edge sword really. I am afraid of not getting pregnant. I am afraid of getting pregnant and losing another baby. I am afraid of never getting through this grief. I am afraid of getting through it and losing Peyton in the process. In babyloss and infertility, there are no simple answers.

Today in church I felt just so overwhelmed. I was thinking about my pregnancy with Peyton, about how sure I felt at the time about my future. I thought of all the plans I used to make, and how all the stars were seemingly aligned before Peyton's birth. We were ready. How could everything have gone so terribly wrong? How could I not have known? I know the questions are useless, but my heart can't stop asking them anyway. How can there exist this huge community of families ripped apart by babyloss, when the nightly news tells of countless children suffering from neglect? How can there be so many couples suffering with the pain and disappointment of infertility, in the same world where countless women line up at clinics seeking solutions for unwanted pregnancies? I have lost many hours of sleep wondering if there is any justice at all in this world.

I just don't understand why the prospect of having a family has to be such a painful one. Hubs and I love each other. We want to share that love with a child. Why does it all have to be so difficult?

I am sorry this post is so blah, and bitchy and down, but that's just how it is sometimes. Truth be told, I had really hoped to be closer to some answers by now, either from the genetic counselor, or from the fertility Doc about our next steps, but it seems life has other plans. So we continue standing still... Waiting. Worrying. Wondering.