Friday night I had some strong contraction type cramping and contacted the OB. He said that in all likelihood they were growing pains, and to drink some water and rest, which I did, which meant that waking up Saturday I had to get started bright and early to prepare for Peyton's birthday balloon release party.
The alarm went off at 5:30am and I was up, making dips, cooking ziti, running one last time to the supermarket. The church had said we could use their basement and we arrived there at 9:30 to set up for the party which was to start at 10. The doors to the church, however, were locked, and search as we might, we couldn't find anyone to open them. Apparently there was some confusion, the priest thought the secretary would be there, she thought he would be there, long story short I headed up to the cemetery to greet our friends, and hubs and my parents stayed behind to wait for the building to be opened, and to set up.
I got to the cemetery and a few friends had already gathered, which meant a lot to me because it was Labor Day weekend and people have a lot going on on Labor Day and they were making the time for Peyton and I appreciated it. I greeted those who were there, started bringing flowers to the grave, and was glad to see hubs and my parents pull up soon thereafter. We gathered around the grave, ready to get our balloons and markers out, and it dawned on me that I had left the CD I intended to play during the release in the car. I started making my way down the hill to the car and I felt wetness in my pants. At first I thought it was a little pee (sorry TMI) or some leukorrhea, but as I stepped, and stepped again, there was more. I looked down, and to my horror saw that I was gushing bright red blood that had soaked my jeans down to my knees. I called hubs over, hyperventilated, and he got me and my folks in the car and we headed off to the hospital. Her hospital. The one I swore I would never go to again because she had been born there, but it was the closest, and I was bleeding so much, and I was worried, truly worried, that I was bleeding out.
We got to the ER and they told me to wait, and I told them what they could do with their "wait" because it was my dead daughter's second birthday, and I had miscarried before, and I was pregnant with twins that I needed to make it, and I was bleeding and I would not wait. Miraculously they got me right in.
It was a long time before I saw a doctor, hours before they did an ultrasound, and all this time I was gushing, and gushing, and gushing. Soaking all the pads they had provided, the bed, everything. They came in and took vials of blood, and hooked an IV in my arm "just in case" and I told them I was thirsty and they said I couldn't have anything "just in case", and I knew "just in case" meant "just in case I needed an emergency D&C" and I cringed and I prayed and I begged them to be okay in my mind. My hubs and my parents stayed by my side the whole time, and tried to lighten the mood, and didn't correct me when I screamed that I was "sick of this shit," and this "wasn't fucking happening, not today" and that "if her doctor was the doc on call I was going to strangle myself with my blood pressure cuff."
And then came the grief over Peyton, poor little Peyton, who gets one lousy day of remembrance a year, and whose parents and grandparents were not even there for her release. I didn't know it at the time, but my family and friends still wrote her messages on her balloons, and still did the release, and still honored her, and for that I am eternally grateful.
The ER doc came in and hooked up the ultrasound and I told him, too, that I was thirsty, so thirsty, and he again told me I couldn't have anything and he started the ultrasound and I tried to look but he turned the monitor away, and I closed my eyes and repeated in my mind "they are both okay, they are both okay, they are both okay."
After what felt an eternity, but was really about five minutes, of complete silence, and furrowed eyebrows from the doctor, he told us that both babies looked good and we could have a look. On the screen my beautiful little snowflakes jumped and danced and looked perfect, and their heartbeats (though lower than we are used to seeing them) looked good, and the doctor told me it was a "threatened abortion" and gave me info on miscarriage and discharged me, and I threw the paperwork out because I was not even willing to accept that as an option.
My parents and hubs went back to the church to let everyone know what had happened, our loyal friends and family had stayed behind all those hours to hear word from the hospital, and I went home and showered and got in bed, and stayed there until Tuesday when my OB could see me.
So yesterday I had an appointment and an ultrasound and my beans are still beautiful, but they have found a large (3.5 inch (9cm) ) sub chorionic hemorrhage/blood clot in my uterus, and have put me on modified bed rest in the hopes it will either bleed out or be reabsorbed. I am trying to stay positive, though the doc did tell me that the risk of loss is still there, he told me that only time will tell and I should be "cautiously optimistic."
So that takes me to today, still bleeding but now it is more like spotting, and drinking lots of fluids and resting up. I am sorry this was such a run-on post, but it was a lot to share. I am going to post pics of Peyton's balloons that my aunt took, but first I thought I would leave you with these today... pics from last Tuesday's ultrasound when the snowflakes were 12w2d. Today I am 13w3d.
Our beautiful snowflake A - waving at us and facing us.
(This baby is the same size as baby B, but the pic of B is just closer up.)
Snowflake B lounging and relaxing.