Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Here comes the rain again... argh!, double argh! argh!

Peyton's birthday was not AT ALL what we expected it to be. Hold onto your umbrellas, just when you thought my luck was changing, the storm cloud has blown back in.

Friday night I had some strong contraction type cramping and contacted the OB. He said that in all likelihood they were growing pains, and to drink some water and rest, which I did, which meant that waking up Saturday I had to get started bright and early to prepare for Peyton's birthday balloon release party.

The alarm went off at 5:30am and I was up, making dips, cooking ziti, running one last time to the supermarket. The church had said we could use their basement and we arrived there at 9:30 to set up for the party which was to start at 10. The doors to the church, however, were locked, and search as we might, we couldn't find anyone to open them. Apparently there was some confusion, the priest thought the secretary would be there, she thought he would be there, long story short I headed up to the cemetery to greet our friends, and hubs and my parents stayed behind to wait for the building to be opened, and to set up.

I got to the cemetery and a few friends had already gathered, which meant a lot to me because it was Labor Day weekend and people have a lot going on on Labor Day and they were making the time for Peyton and I appreciated it. I greeted those who were there, started bringing flowers to the grave, and was glad to see hubs and my parents pull up soon thereafter. We gathered around the grave, ready to get our balloons and markers out, and it dawned on me that I had left the CD I intended to play during the release in the car. I started making my way down the hill to the car and I felt wetness in my pants. At first I thought it was a little pee (sorry TMI) or some leukorrhea, but as I stepped, and stepped again, there was more. I looked down, and to my horror saw that I was gushing bright red blood that had soaked my jeans down to my knees. I called hubs over, hyperventilated, and he got me and my folks in the car and we headed off to the hospital. Her hospital. The one I swore I would never go to again because she had been born there, but it was the closest, and I was bleeding so much, and I was worried, truly worried, that I was bleeding out.

We got to the ER and they told me to wait, and I told them what they could do with their "wait" because it was my dead daughter's second birthday, and I had miscarried before, and I was pregnant with twins that I needed to make it, and I was bleeding and I would not wait. Miraculously they got me right in.

It was a long time before I saw a doctor, hours before they did an ultrasound, and all this time I was gushing, and gushing, and gushing. Soaking all the pads they had provided, the bed, everything. They came in and took vials of blood, and hooked an IV in my arm "just in case" and I told them I was thirsty and they said I couldn't have anything "just in case", and I knew "just in case" meant "just in case I needed an emergency D&C" and I cringed and I prayed and I begged them to be okay in my mind. My hubs and my parents stayed by my side the whole time, and tried to lighten the mood, and didn't correct me when I screamed that I was "sick of this shit," and this "wasn't fucking happening, not today" and that "if her doctor was the doc on call I was going to strangle myself with my blood pressure cuff."

And then came the grief over Peyton, poor little Peyton, who gets one lousy day of remembrance a year, and whose parents and grandparents were not even there for her release. I didn't know it at the time, but my family and friends still wrote her messages on her balloons, and still did the release, and still honored her, and for that I am eternally grateful.

The ER doc came in and hooked up the ultrasound and I told him, too, that I was thirsty, so thirsty, and he again told me I couldn't have anything and he started the ultrasound and I tried to look but he turned the monitor away, and I closed my eyes and repeated in my mind "they are both okay, they are both okay, they are both okay."

After what felt an eternity, but was really about five minutes, of complete silence, and furrowed eyebrows from the doctor, he told us that both babies looked good and we could have a look. On the screen my beautiful little snowflakes jumped and danced and looked perfect, and their heartbeats (though lower than we are used to seeing them) looked good, and the doctor told me it was a "threatened abortion" and gave me info on miscarriage and discharged me, and I threw the paperwork out because I was not even willing to accept that as an option.

My parents and hubs went back to the church to let everyone know what had happened, our loyal friends and family had stayed behind all those hours to hear word from the hospital, and I went home and showered and got in bed, and stayed there until Tuesday when my OB could see me.

So yesterday I had an appointment and an ultrasound and my beans are still beautiful, but they have found a large (3.5 inch (9cm) ) sub chorionic hemorrhage/blood clot in my uterus, and have put me on modified bed rest in the hopes it will either bleed out or be reabsorbed. I am trying to stay positive, though the doc did tell me that the risk of loss is still there, he told me that only time will tell and I should be "cautiously optimistic."

So that takes me to today, still bleeding but now it is more like spotting, and drinking lots of fluids and resting up. I am sorry this was such a run-on post, but it was a lot to share. I am going to post pics of Peyton's balloons that my aunt took, but first I thought I would leave you with these today... pics from last Tuesday's ultrasound when the snowflakes were 12w2d. Today I am 13w3d.


Our beautiful snowflake A - waving at us and facing us. 
(This baby is the same size as baby B, but the pic of B is just closer up.)


Snowflake B lounging and relaxing.

60 comments:

  1. I don't have any wise words, but I did want to say I was sorry. I will be thinking of you and your snowflakes and hoping that all will be well.

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  2. oh they are beautiful!

    i had 2 SCH with my twins (Very common in multiples) and while its so scary to bleed so much, my babies were okay....

    i have two other friends going through this right now and on modified bedrest too...hang in there mama! you can do this!

    and i'm sure peyton was looking down on you and sending you kisses....((hugs))

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  3. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and especially sorry for the scare happening on Peyton's birthday. Hang in there - I know of lots of people who have had the sub chorionic hemorrhage and I've never known any of them to experience a loss because of it. I know that statistics don't mean much once you're in the loss club, but I hope it helps some. (((hugs)))

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  4. Sending positive thoughts and strong sticky vibes for the lo's. I'm so sorry you're going through this after all you've been through. Stay strong and keep us posted please!!!

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  5. I will be surely praying for you and your little snowflakes. While I didn't have a SCH, I did have a complete placenta previa and heavy bleeding was very common throughout my pregnancy. I will pray that this SCH you have will go away post haste and that your little snowflakes continue to grow and thrive.

    Not the best way to spend the day in what was supposed to be in honor of your sweet Peyton, I know.

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  6. Oh goodness, I am so sorry you had to go through this!!! You keep resting, well trying to at least and thinking positive. This is just a cump in the road and you will get through this. I will continue to pray that those beautiful little snowflakes continue to grow healthy and strong. 13 weeks already!!! Hooray... ((HUGS))

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  7. So glad the twins are doing OK. Take it easy.

    And it's beautiful to hear that your friends did the balloon release.

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  8. I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I am happy that you were able to get help, that you are on modified bedrest and that the Snowflakes are doing fine. And I am so happy that your family and friends were able to give Peyton her Remembrance too. Thinking of you!

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  9. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ??????????????

    I have no idea what to make of all that and I didn't even go through it! Eh, what a rollercoaster.

    Remembering Peyton with you and hoping beyond hope for the twins

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  10. I'm so glad your babies are okay. My heart just dropped when I read your post but thank God, they are okay. Take good care of yourself. I will be praying for you and your snowflakes.

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  11. Christ!

    Krissy, I am so sorry about all this drama. But if you can make it through that, you can make it through anything-- holy cow.

    Take it easy. Keep going with your writing and with low-impact physical activity.

    So glad that your babes are doing well. They look adorable in those photos!

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  12. Oh sweetheart. I'm so bloody sorry, about all of it.
    Thinking of you and holding you in my heart xxxx

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  13. I've been so worried for you Kristen since I saw your comments on fb, and then slightly relieved with subsequent comments, but I've been waiting with the 'what happened' question so thankyou for sharing.
    OMG how scary. How unfair for it to be on Peyton's birthday. I am hoping and praying that everything continues on track with the snowflakes, and that stupid clot thingy just goes away however it needs to without causing problems.

    Hugs to you..

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  14. I'm so glad your snowflakes are both doing good!!! I am so so so sorry that you went through that. I can't even imagine.

    It's so nice that your friends did the release without you and honored Peyton. She was definitely watching you. Hang in there. Keep resting. (((HUGS)))

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  15. Those two babies are making their Aunt Becky VERY nervous. GAH. GAH. GAH.

    Okay. BABIES, YOU STAY PUT AND STOP SCARING YOUR AUNT BECKY NOW.

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  16. OMG I cannot believe you had to go through that and especially on Peyton's birthday!! I will definitely keep your beautiful twins in my prayers <3

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  17. Well...that just totally sucked, and I'm sorry. I'm glad you have sweet friends that followed through with Peyton's plans. Don't beat yourself up over not being there. You are with her each and every second of every single day, and she knows that you love her very much.

    I had sch with both of my girls. With the first, I started to bleed at 13 weeks but never again. I was also told that it was a threatend m/c. With the second, I was with an RE so he identified it very early on in the pregnancy. It was larger than he liked but it reabsorbed without any bleeds.

    You rest,take it easy, and envision those babies growing bigger and stronger. Prayers and hugs.

    p.s. I believe the cursing was completely acceptable considering the situation :)

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  18. How scary & traumatic.

    Praying for your sweet twins, and remembering your Peyton.

    Hang in there, my friend.

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  19. I'm just horrified that you had to go through that on Peyton's day of all days. Argghh!

    So very glad that babies are okay and I am sending many sticky sticky thoughts. They ARE NOT ALLOWED to do anything but grow and be safe.

    I'm so glad your friends went ahead with the release. I'm sure it was beautiful.

    Sending you many hugs,
    xxoo

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  20. I was also bleeding, a lot during my 8-10 weeks of my (5x times lots of gushing, what you're describing, over that period) pregnancy (with singleton) I was scared to death. Everything turned out to be fine. Also checked for the subchorionic hematoma and mine got absorbed within few weeks. Hugs and prayers from all of us

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  21. Oh my goodness. Not how your day should have been! I'm glad that Peyton's balloons were still released and that the snowflakes (love that!) are ok.

    Stop messing with your mama's mind snowflakes. She's fragile enough as it is after your big sister left, she doesn't need you two acting up! Be good or else there's no cute surprises for you coming from Australia! (Hey, it worked with my lil guy. I told him I didn't want to see his meds increased when I came back in the morning, otherwise I'd take his teddy bears away. He listened. :p) Oh well.

    Hang in there, mama. We're hangin in there too.

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  22. don't you worry, just remember that every rain there's always a beautiful sunshine. I'll help you pray for your happiness. Take care of yourself and Mama Mary will help you and of course your baby okay? I almost cry

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  23. Your babies are going to be OK. They will, they will, they will.

    I'm so sorry you went through that xxx

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  24. Nobody! Nobody Deserves to go through so much SHIT!
    (((hugs)))

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  25. Oh, Kristin...I'm so sorry for every drop of rain that has fallen on you and your family. My final pregnancy had a subchorionic hemotoma. (My now nine year old son, James) It was such an emotional roller coaster anyway after losing Faith, Grace, and Thomas...but with an added concern...well, I don't need to tell you how that was. Just know that I'm praying for you...

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  26. Praying for you....Take care...I know it will all turn out....God Bless....

    Kelly

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  27. Here's from Dragondreamer's Lair...

    So sorry you are going through this. I will be keeping you in my thoughts- I hope the bleed resolves itself and things progress well. Hang in there (*hugs*)

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  28. How frightening! I'm hoping that time will tell that everything is just fine. I'm sorry that you couldn't be physically present for Peyton's balloon release, but she's with you every day anyway.

    Take care of yourself and those babies... I hope that the worst has passed and I'll be praying for you all.

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  29. I was terrified all the way through the part you said they were OK. I am glad everything turned out good. More than glad. I can only imagine how you felt that day. Rest my friend. We are praying for all of you.

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  30. Oh Kristin...I wish the powers that be were listening because I've sent them a message saying you have gone through enough. Praying hard for you and the babies.

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  31. I am right there with you .......right there. Hoping and praying!

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  32. Oh goodness, what a scare.

    Sending very good thoughts your way.

    xxx

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  33. Oh sweetie, how scary! I am SO sorry! I'm sending you so much love and lots of good JUJU!

    I can't wait to see the pictures of Payton's balloon release. You have amazing friends and family to honor her while you were taking care of her siblings. I know she's with you all the time, hon.
    *HUGS*

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  34. I'm sure you already have all the advice you can stand, but I just wanted to say I went through this with my twins and spent a lot of time on bed rest. The only thing that got me through was to try not to worry because no one could tell me for certain what was going to happen. I guess it's a think positive kind of thing - not something that makes you feel better, I know. Thoughts and prayers to you.

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  35. I am so sorry that all of that happened. I can't imagine how stressful that would be. I am praying for you and the twins! ((HUGS))

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  36. Oh my goodness. I am sending you all the warm thoughts and positive energy I can.

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  37. My heart jumped into my throat when I started reading this.... Those babies have to be okay. They HAVE to be okay. Stay in bed, rest, try to muster up whatever positive thoughts you can.... I know that Peyton is with you and those babies. She knows that you love her. I'm so sorry that you had to experience this on her birthday, of all days. I've heard of alot of women with SCH which turns out to be just fine... Sending you tons of love.

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  38. My SIL had this with her twin girls and was on bedrest from 3-5 months, and ended up carrying to 33 weeks. Many prayers that you have a similar ending to your bedrest and twin pregnancy. XOXOXO

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  39. What a roller coaster. I am having a moment of honor for Peyton.

    (silence)

    Your snowflakes are beautiful. May your uterus do all it's meant to do and nothing more/less.

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  40. How awful :(
    Praying for you and begging the Universe, Kristin. Keeping those little snowflakes in my thougts.
    Grow, little ones, grow.
    xoxo

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  41. That must have been so horrifying, especially happening on Peyton's b-day. (((HUGS))) Holding you, your husband and those sweet twin babies close in my thoughts and prayers. I am so glad that they are doing alright. Hang in there. One day, one hour, one minute at a time... You can do this. Take care and God bless.

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  42. Of all the things to happen! On all the days for it to happen!

    I'm so glad the babies are doing well - and I hope you are doing better. Thanks for sharing their ultrasound pics. They are just so precious.

    Hope you are resting and not too stressed out. Keep us posted!

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  43. You and your little snowflakes are in my prayers every day <3

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  44. Here from LFCA to say I'm sorry Peyton's birthday turned out with you in the ER. would love to see the balloon pics. Praying so hard for your beautiful snowflakes! I had a SCH and it scared me to death and I bled some at 16 weeks but now it has gone away thank god. Take it easy and be gentle with yourself and your little ones! ((( hugs)))

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  45. so so scary. I'm hoping that things settle down and that the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly. I like to think that maybe the outlook for the twins might have been grim, but their big sister intervened to give them another chance on her birthday.

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  46. How scary ... I am thinking of you and your little snowflakes, sending positive thoughts for a healthy pregnancy from here on in!

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  47. Here from LFCA
    I am sorry you are going through this and hope that you and the twins are ok. I am thinking of your baby Peyton at this time too.
    sending love your way

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  48. I don't have anything more to add than the same that's been said--terror for you, but gratefulness for the beautiful little A and B you are carrying and who are looking as if they are very happy and healthy! I don't have any experience with the SCH myself, and know that the friend after friend after friend I know that does and brought home perfect babies (especially my twins friends) doesn't really help ease your concern...so my prayers will be that you will be able to maintain some peace, the bedrest will be easy, and those little ones will just hang out there a good bit longer and let you enjoy them until they are ready to come out!!! Lots of love and prayers!

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  49. Oh lord please protect these little ones from any harm and let the bleeding stop.

    You will be in my prayers.

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  50. Sending my thoughts and love. Sorry it had to be on Peyton's birthday. Hoping with you for these little ones to be fine.

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  51. kristen - i'm so sorry. it must be hell. i am thinking of you and your snowflakes today. much love. xo

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  52. I'm wishing hoping and praying for only the best of things to happen for all of you.

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  53. I am so sorry that you are having this experience. As a mom who had one healthy child (now 17) and many sad years of infertility, multiple miscarriages and failed adoption plans...i would never want a mom/woman to experience your pain or mine. Best wishes and good luck to you and your husband.

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  54. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that especially on Peyton's birthday. It sounds like you have an amazing support system of family and friends who love you so much. Praying that your precious twins remain healthy and strong.
    ~LFCA

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  55. I'm glad your friends and family still released balloons for Peyton while you were in the hospital dealing with everything. I am glad to hear the snowflakes are doing well. Praying the SCH goes away and everything remains good!

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  56. What a scare. I cannot even begin to imagine how you felt. I'm so glad that your beans looked good and I hope that the hematoma goes away.

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  57. My name is Kim and while I haven't posted, I've been following your blog for a while now and praying for you! I'm so so sorry this happened! I feel so awful that it happened on Peyton's birthday and you had that agonizing wait in the ER. I had 2 different SCHs and a few bleeds from them (first at 8 weeks and none beyond 17 weeks). Each time we returned to the ER, I was convinced I was miscarrying again and I had lost my little guy. It was a long road with other complications that were unrelated, but he is here is healthy now. Keep resting and I'll be thinking about you and praying for you and your little ones. Like other people have said, these usually resolve...but I can only imagine how that can not be as comforting to hear as people would hope when you've gone through such tragedy already in your life. Lots of love to you, your little twins and precious Peyton.

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  58. I have no words. I was in tears for you for so many reason and happy tears of relief when you saw the babies dancing in there. Wow, so much to absorb on her birthday. I am praying for you!!!!!!!!!

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  59. Firstly, I am so glad your snowflakes are OK. Secondly, I am so sorry you had all that stress and worry on Peyton's day, you poor girl.
    Rest, rest, rest. It's not easy, but the time will pass, eventually :)

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