Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Some Firsts Are Harder Than Others

There is something particularly special, and difficult, about this Fall.

Special in that it marks five years that my heart has beat for my sweet little Peyton, loving her as I do even though she is not here. Difficult in that this year should have held such a magical milestone.

Grief is so strange. There are so many firsts we never had with Peyton. No first steps. No first words, or even first tantrums. No first rides on a bike, or first "I love you Mommy," moments, though her heart beating against my chest when I held her told me she did. 

There were so many firsts that should have been with Peyton that at some point in my grief I almost, *almost, became numb to them. I think that's what so-called healing is, your mind and body deciding to either numb-up, or give up.

I posted this photo on Facebook today, with the following message:

In another life on the other side of the loss universe, I gave you a hug and sent you off to Kindergarten this week.

I imagine that had she been born healthy, I would have had so much trepedation and so many nerves about leaving my child in the care of someone else for the first time. The reality is that from the moment of her birth, to the moment of her death, Peyton was always in the care of someone else, down to my inability to even make decisions over when to feed or bathe her. 

If Peyton were here, and healthy, this would be the moment in time for me to watch as my little girl became a big girl, and root her on as she walked off independent of me, into a new experience. Because of the cards we were dealt, that moment came in the pediatric intensive care unit as I urged her to please let go and be free of the pain of this broken world, when she took her last breath in my arms and was finally, finally, pain-free and at peace.

Even five years later, you never get over a moment like that. I imagine that in fifty years, I still won't.

I received so many beautiful messages from friends, but one response to my facebook post by a dear babyloss momma friend especially resonated with me: 

Perhaps in that other life somewhere our little ones enter kindergarten together, holding hands and filling the room with joy.

So tonight I am holding tight to the beauty of that image, to the thought of all of the precious and much loved little ones from this community holding hands as they walk into their first day in kindergarten, and all the while I am hoping that wherever Peyton is, she knows how very, very loved she is by those of us left behind.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Birthday Bucks, and Band-Aids

Hi all. This September 4th marks five years since our sweet tiny warrior Peyton’s birth. It’s hard to imagine how different life would be if we had our little girl here, preparing for Kindergarten.

To honor what would have been Peyton’s 5th Birthday (9/4) and the 5th Anniversary of her passing (10/2), we are once again Doing Good in Her Name.

We are super excited to announce that Doing Good in Her Name has teamed up this year with the Kacey Rose Foundation, an amazing non-profit formed in the memory of Kacey Rose Mitchell, that provides assistance to families affected by childhood cancer.

This year’s drive is called: BIRTHDAY BUCKS AND BAND-AIDS

Why Band-Aids?

We are collecting boxes of LATEX FREE BAND-AIDS with FUN DESIGNS to be given to the children’s oncology floor at Yale-New Haven Hospital. The hospital only uses plain, brown Band-Aids, and the ones with fun pictures, cartoon characters, footballs etc. really brighten up the day for the kids fighting cancer.

This is an easy and inexpensive way to spread some love, smiles and sunshine to these amazing little warriors, and to help us pay tribute to our sweet Peyton’s memory.

You can purchase and ship the Band-Aids to the address below yourself, or order them online and have them shipped directly through sites such as Amazon.com, CVS.com etc.

Why Bucks?

We are also collecting cash donations to benefit the Kacey Rose Foundation. Depending on the amount raised, the Kacey Rose Foundation will be providing kids who are fighting cancer at Yale-New Haven Hospital with a fun ice cream party, and/or a lucky patient (or patients hopefully!) will receive a cool new gadget i.e. an iPod, Kindle, etc.

Please donate what you can to help us make these kids’ stay in the hospital a little easier.

*Please make your TAX DEDUCTIBLE checks payable to Kacey Rose Foundation and put “Peyton” in the memo field.

In her short time here, Peyton gave us the gift of her unconditional love. Thank you in advance for helping us honor her memory.

Send your BIRTHDAY BUCKS and BANDAIDS (Latex-Free) through October 2nd to the following address:

Happy 5th Birthday Peyton/DGIHN
c/o the Kacey Rose Foundation
P.O. Box 4412 Wallingford, CT 06492

About Peyton:

Peyton Elizabeth Binder was born Sept. 4th 2008 to Andrew and Kristin Binder. Unbeknownst to anyone, our “beautiful, perfect little baby girl,” was born with infant leukemia (ALL w/ MLL rearrangement) the odds of which fall somewhere in the range of 1 in 50 million.

Peyton fought with the heart of a prize fighter through chemo, spinal taps and multiple surgeries, until sadly, on Oct. 2nd, she left this world from her mother’s arms.

During our daughter’s too-short life, we were the recipients of many acts of kindness and compassion, and this is why we strive to give back in her memory. Our goal is to honor Peyton’s life by Doing Good in Her Name.

**The Kacey Rose Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) organization.