2nd Beta

So the numbers at yesterday's beta were, for the most part, good. My beta more than doubled, increasing 216% in the 48 hour period. My progesterone stayed just about the same, down to 26 from 28. I asked about the lower progesterone and was told that it was not a big deal. Progesterone levels can change a little day to day, and they think anything over 20 is good. As is my protocol, I am continuing the 1.5 cc injections of Progestrone in Oil daily. There are welts the size of golfballs dotting the landscape of my upper rear, but I don't care. It is all worth it!

The only number that didn't look so great was my estrogen. They want it over 200, and mine was at 140. I have been taking 3 Vivelle Dot patches every 2 days as is, and have now been upped to 4 patches. Please pray that the estrogen situation remedies itself so I can be taken off these patches sooner than later - their side effects really freak me out.

So there it is. I am pregnant as pregnant can be :) I go back next Tuesday for another beta, and then will have our first ultrasound at 6.5 weeks to see how many little snowflakes are in there. At the end of our call, my IVF nurse gave me my due date, which took me off guard for some reason. I guess I am still in a bit of shock about being pregnant. It's March 13, 2011.

I am trying to soak up the joy in this news and just be, but as is usually the case with me, I worry. Yesterday's news about my estrogen threw me into a googling panic searching for success stories of pregnancies with low estrogen, but I didn't come up with much of anything, good or bad. I am trying to tell myself that it's because it is not a big issue.  I think it is maybe to be expected to have low estrogen when coming off a frozen cycle, but I am not sure.

With my first IVF I had high estrogen, but I was on stimulating drugs then. The drugs for the frozen cycle were for suppression of hormones, and essentially put me in menopause. I guess my body is just taking a little longer than we would like to catch up.

I worry about things within my control (what I eat, what I drink, what I do or don't use i.e. lotions, make-up) and I worry about things outside of my control (cramping, if my boobs hurt enough, our stupid town deciding to unexpectedly pave our road yesterday.) The last one really urked me. As soon as we saw what they were doing, hubs and I hit the road, and stayed away all day not wanting me to be near any type of fumes. We came back several hours after they had finished and still, even today, a part of me worries that there might be something lingering that could do harm.

The worrying can be paralyzing.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be overjoyed, and happy, and naive. I guess that's what it really comes down to, isn't it? In losing Peyton, I have lost my right to be naive. My innocence is gone.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited to the point that I am even letting this news sort of sink in and feel real, but even as I celebrate, I can't help worrying about how much is at stake, and that's overwhelming. I thought I did everything right with Peyton. Trying to figure out how to do even more right for these snowflakes is exhausting.

I can't tell you all what it has meant to receive so many loving comments of support and prayer at my news. It can be so hard in the ALI community to see a blog with a BFP while you are still waiting, and I know the strength of character it took for so many of you to extend congratulations. Thank you.

I have been blessed so immensely by this community, in the way that you have stood hand in hand with me through every step of this journey, and want you to know that never, once, has your kindness gone unnoticed or unappreciated.

I ask that you continue to pray with me (or send good thoughts, call on the universe, whatever works for you)  that my estrogen numbers improve and I can get off some of the more scary meds. That at the end of this pregnancy, these snowflakes (however many are in there) come into this world healthy and happy. And for me, that I can see through the worry and fear and find the strength within to feel the sheer joy that is this pregnancy.