Wednesday, July 7, 2010

2nd Beta

So the numbers at yesterday's beta were, for the most part, good. My beta more than doubled, increasing 216% in the 48 hour period. My progesterone stayed just about the same, down to 26 from 28. I asked about the lower progesterone and was told that it was not a big deal. Progesterone levels can change a little day to day, and they think anything over 20 is good. As is my protocol, I am continuing the 1.5 cc injections of Progestrone in Oil daily. There are welts the size of golfballs dotting the landscape of my upper rear, but I don't care. It is all worth it!

The only number that didn't look so great was my estrogen. They want it over 200, and mine was at 140. I have been taking 3 Vivelle Dot patches every 2 days as is, and have now been upped to 4 patches. Please pray that the estrogen situation remedies itself so I can be taken off these patches sooner than later - their side effects really freak me out.

So there it is. I am pregnant as pregnant can be :) I go back next Tuesday for another beta, and then will have our first ultrasound at 6.5 weeks to see how many little snowflakes are in there. At the end of our call, my IVF nurse gave me my due date, which took me off guard for some reason. I guess I am still in a bit of shock about being pregnant. It's March 13, 2011.

I am trying to soak up the joy in this news and just be, but as is usually the case with me, I worry. Yesterday's news about my estrogen threw me into a googling panic searching for success stories of pregnancies with low estrogen, but I didn't come up with much of anything, good or bad. I am trying to tell myself that it's because it is not a big issue.  I think it is maybe to be expected to have low estrogen when coming off a frozen cycle, but I am not sure.

With my first IVF I had high estrogen, but I was on stimulating drugs then. The drugs for the frozen cycle were for suppression of hormones, and essentially put me in menopause. I guess my body is just taking a little longer than we would like to catch up.

I worry about things within my control (what I eat, what I drink, what I do or don't use i.e. lotions, make-up) and I worry about things outside of my control (cramping, if my boobs hurt enough, our stupid town deciding to unexpectedly pave our road yesterday.) The last one really urked me. As soon as we saw what they were doing, hubs and I hit the road, and stayed away all day not wanting me to be near any type of fumes. We came back several hours after they had finished and still, even today, a part of me worries that there might be something lingering that could do harm.

The worrying can be paralyzing.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be overjoyed, and happy, and naive. I guess that's what it really comes down to, isn't it? In losing Peyton, I have lost my right to be naive. My innocence is gone.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited to the point that I am even letting this news sort of sink in and feel real, but even as I celebrate, I can't help worrying about how much is at stake, and that's overwhelming. I thought I did everything right with Peyton. Trying to figure out how to do even more right for these snowflakes is exhausting.

I can't tell you all what it has meant to receive so many loving comments of support and prayer at my news. It can be so hard in the ALI community to see a blog with a BFP while you are still waiting, and I know the strength of character it took for so many of you to extend congratulations. Thank you.

I have been blessed so immensely by this community, in the way that you have stood hand in hand with me through every step of this journey, and want you to know that never, once, has your kindness gone unnoticed or unappreciated.

I ask that you continue to pray with me (or send good thoughts, call on the universe, whatever works for you)  that my estrogen numbers improve and I can get off some of the more scary meds. That at the end of this pregnancy, these snowflakes (however many are in there) come into this world healthy and happy. And for me, that I can see through the worry and fear and find the strength within to feel the sheer joy that is this pregnancy.

41 comments:

  1. Prayers are being sent to you.

    My losses are not comparable to yours, but when I was finally pregnant with my son, after 7 miscarriages, I had a really hard time enjoying the pregnancy AT ALL, until I got past the first trimester and the point where I had lost my previous babies. For me, the anatomy scan and seeing everything was "healthy," was a real turning point. For you, I hate to say, I don't know when or if you will have that turning point during pregnancy. It will probably only be after your healthy baby (or babies, with those numbers) is delivered into your arms and you get a clean bill of health from the ped. And even then, you will probably worry. But I think this worry is what defines us as mothers . Since you have to live with this worry and doubt, perhaps it is helpful to put it in the perspective of it is how you still mother Peyton and how you are mothering this new life. Of course, you will have to learn to manage it so that it doesn't overwhelm you, but I have every faith that you will do that and, eventually, you will have other emotions and outlets for them and the worry won't be as all-encompassing. You are a strong woman and are an incredible mommy.

    Pregnancy after loss is such a difficult time. Please be easy on yourself. After everything you have endured, the road ahead is still not going to be smooth, but I KNOW you can and WILL do it.

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  2. What great news. Thank you for updating us. I'm keeping everything crossed for you that things continue to go well!

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  3. My estrogen was TERRIBLE when I was pregnant with Mimi. In the single digits. No, seriously. So I had to do the vaginal suppositories. Very glamorous.

    But lots of love and prayers, love. I'm BEYOND excited. BEYOND. Like, when my niece/nephew is born, Your Aunt Becky will have to come and nom on him/her in person. SO HAPPY.

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  4. a pregnancy without your rose colored glasses is going to be very hard - every move.. every bump every scan.. another day. Keep on keeping on. I'll never say don't worry becuase that is going to be an every day thing.. I will just hope for you to have moments of peace and love with every pound gained... each stretch mark avoided or made.. and when you see those hearts beating... Pure Joy...

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  5. One day at a time. It's the only way to get through the terrifying "pregnancy after loss". You can do this! Sending big hugs and prayers!!!

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  6. Oh sweetie I know how scary this is! I am so happy to hear your news (missed your last post) though! We will rally and pray for you always...Im so happy it worked!!! YAY!!! xxx Nan

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  7. I can't even imagine the roller coaster of emotions you are going through.

    I can tell you though, that I had low estrogen with my first IVF and was also doing the dot patches but then they also gave me an estrogen pill to take 3x a day as well and that kept me at a very normal level.

    Wishing you all the best with this pregnancy. *hugs*

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  8. Definitely praying! I know it is hard to lose your innocence. I feel the same way. We are no longer ignorant that all pregnancies and babies turn out OK. It doesn't happen to other people, it happens to us. And everything in your head that you thought was so improbable is now suddenly, and violently shoved into very possible. Praying the fear is not overwhelming, and the joy has some room to grow. For now, rest in the fact that so many of us out there are happy and excited for you!!!

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  9. I am beyond excited to read this post!!!! I have been waiting and waiting and waiting!!! Praying for you and your family!!

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  10. Happy tears for your results. I'm so excited for you. We have different "issues" but I also had progesterone differences during my last successfull pregnancy all while doing 400mg of bio-identical oral progesterone.

    It's so easy to get wrapped up in the worry. It can become all consuming at times. I allowed myself a few "all consuming" moments daily but only a few!!! My prayers are for you to have a healthy and uneventful pregnancy and deliver perfectly healthy babies (yikes!!) at the end! Hugs and congrats.

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  11. It's not easy and sometimes it's impossible to enjoy a pregnancy after loss. I'm 17 weeks and it's a daily struggle. I use my Doppler 3 times a day and each time I hear the heartbeat I'm surprised it's still there. I do find times of peace & joy but the worry is always there. You can do it though. We are all here for you!! So happy for you!!

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  12. ((all my love...all my hopes....for you.))

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  13. Worry? How are we not, especially you since you have been through so much. Try to take it one day at a time, believe that this is something sent from Peyton above.
    I had a doppler too when I was pregnant with Sami. I used that darn thing all the time, I never left without it (some thought I was crazy but she only had a half a heart so I worried). I bought it on ebay for like $90 (brand new) and it's like the one they use at the dr's office. I would have sent it to you but it's already on lone to another friend.
    I am praying and praying for this pregnancy to continue going so well. I am going a little dance for you right now,lol. Love ya, take care and know that I am always thinking of you guys. Oh yes, tell your hubs I said congrats to him.

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  14. Awww such great news! I hope those betas continue to rise and you have many many more ultrasounds beyond the 6.5 wk mark. I am praying for you and your little snowflakes!

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  15. Your 2nd beta sounds like a wonderful number!! I am so thrilled for you and cannot wait to find out how many snowflakes you have. xoxo

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  16. I haven't been around the blogs recently. I'm thrilled to hear about the snowflakes. Sending you positive, "estrogenny" vibes.

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  17. Your story is incredibly touching. I'm so sorry for everything you have had to endure and will hope for the best through your pregnancy. Now following you.

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  18. So glad for you that the numbers are looking good. Hope the estrogen comes up soon.

    I found my due date very foreign for a long time and even now when people ask me what it is I have to think.

    Maddie x

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  19. This is beautiful news. Prayers and more prayers. Hugs...

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  20. More good thoughts coming your way and lots of begging of the universe or whoever is in charge out there.
    I know how it feels to think you did everything right the first time but to have had it ended so catastrophically. I wondered what more could I do for Angus to get him here alive when I thought I did all I could for Hope? It was exhausting. To be honest, I think I did LESS for him as I was worried the sheer terror and stress of being pregnant was going to harm him.
    You can do this though Kristin. You really can.
    xo

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  21. GO ESTROGEN GO! I will continue to pray for you levels.

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  22. So very, very, very happy at your news, Kristin! And sending lots of love'n prayers.

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  23. I just SO eagerly anticipate your updates!!!!

    I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but my clinic doesn't even measure estrogen or progesterone after a positive beta--they automatically supplement estrogen and progesterone (with the pill and vagi-pops, as I call them) but never check them unless there is a known progesterone issue. With IVF/ARTS, there's so much more detail done...and that's nice, but often gives me more to worry about. I worried about them not checking my estrogen or progesterone levels and then thought, "Well, if they aren't that worried, I guess I shouldn't be either."

    (Easier said than done, of course)
    I think the only way I am getting through this is that I have set parameters for myself. I won't allow myself to worry about anything I don't have reason to---but if given reason (like a lower first hb or growth or something) then I am allowed to worry the HECK out of it and if anyone tells me otherwise, they'll get an earful. Somehow knowing I'll let myself spend all day long on Google if I am told there's a reason allows me to NOT do it when there isn't yet...

    Really--it's just whatever you can do to get through. My peri today (when I asked him if weekly after 24 weeks was overkill) told me that every day ultrasounds were not overkill if that's what helped maintain my sanity.

    We've been given life experiences that prevent us from not worrying---they're experiences that have validated the need to worry. So we just do the best we can and like you said, try and squeeze every ounce of joy out of the sheer magic of a brother or sister!!
    xoxoxo

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  24. Praying hard for your estrogen levels go up! It's easy to say not to worry, but hard to actually NOT worry! Hang in there! This is very exciting and I pray for things to continue to go well for you!

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  25. So happy for you!!! Will continue to keep you in my prayers for a peaceful and uneventful pregnancy and birth!!!

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  26. First: do not let Google run your life!! It is so easy to find stuff that you don't want to find (in addition to the things you do want to find). It most likely will worry you for no reason.

    Secondly - I hope your estrogen levels go up. Keep thinking positive thoughts. You can do this Kristin!!

    Thirdly - I gave you an award on my blog: http://mformommy.blogspot.com/2010/07/award-overwhelm.html

    Congrats!!

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  27. Oh wow...I am so freaking happy for you! I can only imagine how scared you are but I'll say a ton of prayers for you.

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  28. I am so happy for you! Praying for you xo

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  29. Hurray for good betas!

    I am newly pregnant after three miscarriages, and I battle fear every day. I'm not sure when I will be able to "relax". I miss being naive, too.

    I don't have any practical advice, but please know I'm out here rooting for you!

    March 13th - how exciting!!

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  30. Sending much love and positive vibes!!! xxx

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  31. Congratulations and Im rooting for you and your snowflakes ;) Wishing you peace and joy during this very exciting and stressful time!

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  32. I am praying for you and so hopeful. Was great to hear your news.

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  33. praying for you and your snowflake(s)

    XOXO

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  34. :) Can't stop smiling for you. I will pray your levels get where they need to be. So excited!

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  35. I'm coming out of silent blog-reader mode to say congratulations.

    I don't know what it is like to struggle with infertility. That is another level of frustration I haven't had to work through. But I do know what it is like to lose a child. What you wrote about losing the right to naivety really resonated with me.

    I hope that despite no longer being naive to the unimaginable things that happen in the world, you are still able to find much, much joy and excitement with this pregnancy.

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  36. Congratulations!!!

    I am having a technical problem with your blog...everytime I close the window, apparently your blog loops on and multiple Internet Explorer windows open. Nothing except shutting down my PC helps. That's why I did not come to your blog even though I read the news on LFCA.

    One tiny trivia....I am due February 13, 2011...and you are due March 13, 2011....one month apart...

    Hope the good news keeps rolling.



    -^WiseGuy^ (Woman Anyone?)

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  37. Kristin~
    I'm still praying for you and your snowflakes!
    Also praying that you have a husband that understands a woman in your shoes! That he is filled with love for you and your emotional ups and downs! Sometimes men don't understand....or they have there own worries....and the two calide. (ok its late and I can't spell the word...where is spell check when you need it?)
    I pray your hubby is there the way you need him to be!

    Peace, Love and Prayers,
    Georgiann

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  38. Great news and I hope all is well - have been checking back regularly for updates...thinking of you x x x

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  39. I will pray for you hun, that is such wonderful news about your BETA numbers,

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  40. I hope that your snowflakes continue to grow safely.

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