Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Reflections from the checkout line.

I don’t live in your world...
You stand in front of me smiling, a newborn girl tight at your chest in the same baby wrap that I had researched and planned to use.

I don’t live in your world...
I don’t get to answer strangers asking “How old is she?”
Instead I struggle to answer when asked, “Do you have any kids?”

I don’t live in your world...
You shrug off the softness at your middle as a badge of courage with a smile.
“Baby weight,” people assume when they look at you.
“She let herself go,” they judge, when looking at me.

I don’t live in your world...
You say, “They’re nice at this age aren’t they?”
And a woman behind you jokes, “Just wait till they get older.”
My child never got older, I wouldn’t know.

I don’t live in your world...
You spend your days with trips to the baby gym, the pediatrician, a new mother’s group.
I spend mine at her graveside, in a perpetual state of shock.

I don’t live in your world...
Nor in that of the naïve and child free. Those who don’t know what it is to have to bury your child, or that in this day and age, it’s even a possibility.

I don’t live in your world...
~Kristin Binder

19 comments:

  1. Beautiful. So very, very true.
    Many *hugs*

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  2. I don't live in that world either, but I wish I did.
    It is the little statements like this that often cut so deep for us.
    I'm sorry and I'm thinking of you.

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  3. This is exactly what I think too when I see other clueless innocent people, holding their babies, and carrying on. I wish I still lived in that world.

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  4. I like that this poem came to you in some random everyday ordinary place--the checkout line. It shows me how very real and haunting this loss remains.
    could the end of the poem be?
    "I don't live in your world...
    and you don't live in mine."
    Just a suggestion!

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  5. Oh this is so true. It really does feel like a different world to be living in.

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  6. they just don't know. sometimes, i'm glad they don't understand, and envious of that new mom's innocence. beautifully written. xxMB

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  7. So so true, beautiful and heartbreaking. thank you for sharing your poem.

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  8. Hello. I'm commenting here for the first time. I just wanted to say how beautiful your little girl is. She is so gorgeous.

    I am so sorry that this is the world we live in.

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  9. Funny how many people live in OUR world though...sad isn't it? Very beautiful Kirstin.

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  10. Thank you for sharing your poem. So beautiful and heartbreaking. I find myself in a strange limbo now. I feel guilty and so at time I live my life outwardly as one person for my family but inside I am still that grieving mother leaving the hosiptal empty handed. No matter how many years or joys in between I dont think I will ever be in that world.

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  11. Beautiful, and heart felt.

    HuGZ

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  12. I too have that feeling, in the randomness of places. The feeling of being alien, or of behind glass. This heartbreaking journey has made me so different than I used to be and I often feel removed from the rest of society. These blogs are the only places I feel understood because I don't have to struggle to explain why I think and feel the way I do. Sending you hugs and blowing a kiss to Peyton

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  13. This could not be more true. I know how you're feeling. I can only pray that it gets better for you. (((HUGS)))

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  14. Sometimes I think we have our own world.

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  15. That poem says alot. I can relate to this especially lately because my two closest friends are pregnant and our relationships are being challenged. I can't be the friend they need and they can't be the friend I need. Its very difficult.

    *hugs* It is such a different world when you loose your baby and so many people are clueless.

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  16. It is so painful to live in this world of ours. It just isn't fair. I am so sorry that your beautiful girl isn't here with you. Thinking of you both. xx

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  17. Oh, it's so unfair. You've written that so beautifully, but I wish you were in the other world, too. (((Hugs)))

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  18. Hug...I do so wish it was different.

    I live in a world where people grimace at my large family and say "how can you stand having FIVE boys..." my silent response..."I can't... I wanted my twins. I wanted to have seven."

    I'm so sorry....

    Your poem is wonderful.
    because it is real.

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