Kicked While I Am Down

"Do you feel emotionally ready for this?"

My doctor posed this question this morning, and all I could do was look at her, mouth agape, unable to answer.

There is no denying it. I am an emotional mess. I have been since Peyton died. I am grieving and suffering from PTSD. I anger easily, feel overwhelmed at the drop of a hat, and carry massive amounts of guilt at not only being unable to save my child, but having had to witness all that was done to her for nothing. The pain of watching your child die does not end with their last breath, it begins.

Each day the waves of this new reality hit harder and harder and I feel the possibility of having a family of our own slipping further and further away. In the two years since we started TTC, we have hit two major hurdles: The loss of our first pregnancy for reasons unknown to miscarriage, and the loss of our child, our daughter Peyton, to infant leukemia. This morning I was dealt another blow, one which was anticipated, and yet still hurt like hell to hear... we are definitely dealing with an infertility issue now.

My doctor has explained that this new road, the one she wonders if I am emotionally prepared to handle, is one full of testing, stress, disappointment, hormonal changes, injections, procedures, emotional highs and lows etc. etc., all of which compound the emotions that I have been dealing with since losing Peyton. I have cried so many tears today, my heart is aching, and my fingers feel exhausted even now as I type this. It's not that I didn't think I was infertile... I have blogged about my concerns about this here and here. I think it was just hearing my doctor explain that after five months of TTC, she feels we are no longer in a place where doing this on our own is a likely possibility. Am I emotionally ready for this? Probably not. Am I emotionally ready to never again have another child? Definitely not. Therein lies the conundrum.

Today I threw a question up to God that I have so many times before... "how the hell did this happen to my life?" I actually threw it up to Him through tears after coming out of the supermarket where I saw a magazine cover with a headline that Brangelina are expecting two more. Two MORE... really... are you F*ing kidding me? I don't know why seeing that magazine brought so many tears, maybe it was just another reminder that what comes so easily to others, may never come for us. I wish I could say that I could make peace with this new reality... I cannot.

Next month we begin new tests based on these, my doctor's theories, as to why I cannot manage a BFP.

A) By rushing out of bed 30 hours after a c-section to be at Peyton's side, and allowing no time to heal, my uterus and/or tubes may have suffered scarring or damage and that is why my cycle has disappeared. A dye test will be done to determine the extent of the damage, if any, that is keeping me from becoming pregnant. I am especially angered at this theory... at the bitter irony that in trying to be a good mother and pushing myself to be with my fatally ill child, I may have cost myself future pregnancies. There are no words for the emotions that I feel when considering this possibility.

B) I am no longer ovulating or getting AF on my own because of the stress/grief/just because/etc etc any of the million and one reasons that can lead to SIF. Should the aforementioned dye test come back negative (prayers on this please) we will begin clomid and provera next month. This too brings a lot of emotions, primarily disappointment with myself when thinking about the theory that the stress and grieving has been causing my problem. The implication I draw being that I am in some way contributing to my own infertility. I know of a lot of women in this community hurting just as badly as I am, grieving just as hard and missing their babies just as much, and they have gone on to get pregnant or have other babies. What is wrong with me? The sense of failure that this theory brings is overwhelming.

C)Hubs counts have changed... I am not really giving any thought to this option because I don't feel that its the case. I don't know why I feel so sure about this, I just do. Nothing has changed for him physically and he has been coping much better since losing Peyton than I have, so I don't believe it is a problem on his end. Some tests will be run just to rule this out.


My doctor set an appointment for next month (a few days after we meet with a genetic counselor to see if there was any possible genetic cause for Peyton's cancer) to speak with me and hubs. She explained that IF can really tax a marriage, and that she is concerned about what it could mean for a couple already having been dealt such a blow. I am so tired of this, of these boulders in the pathway of our happiness. They say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," and you know what, that's bullshit. Child loss and SIF. That is more than anyone can handle.