Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Still so lost.

My shoulders slump.
My body hurts.
My eyes blur.
My heart quivers.
My arms ache.
My soul is depleted.
My child is dead.
Where is the hope?
It's been nearly a year since Peyton was born. I am trying so hard to focus on celebrating her this week rather than mourning her (her first birthday should have been this Friday) but it is so hard. So very, very hard. My emotions tax me of my energy and will; my feelings and thoughts take me back to last September. I am nearing this year mark of my child's birth, and all I can do is cry. How do I do this? How do I get through this? None of this is as it should be.

I should be celebrating first steps, finger foods, cut teeth; at least I think that is what she would be doing but having never mothered a living one year old I don't really know. I should be able to see advertisements and shows with families in them and think about how cute my Peyton would look with that toy; in those clothes; instead of being brought to tears. I am realizing, especially now, how isolated this world of baby loss is. I am surrounded by people who love me, who reach out to me, and yet I feel so incredibly alone in this new world. What is wrong with me?

I should be feeling so many things with the approach of Peyton's first birthday, none of which are supposed to revolve around grief...loss...death. How did we end up here? How did this happen to our life?

It has been nearly a year since they told me I had a "beautiful, perfect little girl," only to take it back moments later. Nearly a year since they allowed me to see her for mere moments before whisking her away to another hospital. Nearly a year since we learned of her Leukemia and started treatment. Nearly a year since I checked myself out of the hospital early to be by her side. Nearly a year since I first got to hold her, three days after her birth. Nearly a year since we gained false hope. Nearly a year since I fell so totally in love with her.

It has been nearly a year... and I am still so lost.

I visited Peyton's grave today, and somewhere between fits of tears and anger at myself, and God, and this situation, I wrote this.

Leave me,
oh, bitter wave of sadness.
Leave me.
Let me be!
My eyes need reprieve
from your cruel salty flow.
I am begging you,
please set me free.
Can't you see what you've done,
you greedy emotion?
I'm too young to always feel this old.
You've taken my child,
I have nothing left for you,
do you find joy watching me unfold?
Please leave me,
oh, crushing weight,
I beg you.
Don't you see how you've caused me to break?
My dreams have been splintered,
my joy has been lost,
I don't know how much more I can take.
Please leave me,
oh, angry bitter questioning,
take mercy on me, allow me release
from the grip that you've asserted over my life,
from my inability to find a sense of peace.
~Kristin Binder

Yes, it's been nearly a year, and I am learning that no amount of time negates the pain of loss.
****Please send prayers of love and support to Mirne and Craig who have today announced the heartbreaking loss of their third child Jet. My heart goes out to this couple who have already experienced so much pain in the loss of their first two children. Please visit them and let them know that we all grieve with them for this beautiful boy, gone from this world after only three days of life.


  1. I also feel alone sometimes, even though this online community gives me so much love. It's hard when it seems like everyone else out there has what I don't, and that's when I feel alone.

    I'll be thinking about you and Peyton this week as you approach her 1st birthday. I wish she was in your arms now, doing what one year olds do.

  2. "None of this is as it should be." And, unfortunately, it never will be. I'll be thinking, crying, and hoping with you this Friday. Stay strong friend.

  3. I'm so sorry Peyton isn't here for you to celebrate with. Your post is so heartfelt and I'm grieving with and for you. Today is such a sad day. (((hugs)))

  4. I'm sure Friday will be difficult. I hope you can find a way to remember the joy that she also brought. That should definitely be celebrated in the midst of grieving. I will be thinking of you. 1 year is a big one. And I am praying for Mirne and Craig. I am shocked and saddened.

  5. I am in tears for you. This is so hard. I fear what the should be birthday will bring and it is still four months away. I will keep you in my prayers as your day approaches.

  6. Everytime I get to your blog, I see Peyton's adorable face, and I feel that turn in my chest...life can be so unfair. The passage (poem?) you wrote beautifully describes the pain that won't go away, I feel it too, but not for as long. This is a tough week for me too, my EED was Saturday. Sending hugs.

  7. Your poem is lovely. I am still so new at this and yet I understand that lonliness already. I hate that we are here together on this road of baby loss. We'll never know this side of heaven why and that kills me as Im sure it does you. I will be praying for you on Friday.

  8. So very sorry for your loss - I have a similar story - I wrote about it today - the adoption of our daughters and the death of our angel Krystal.

    Love to you.

  9. This poem is so heartfelt and full of sorrow. Praying you can find relief from this storm of grief. Prayings for Friday.

  10. Oh no, don't feel old! We thought you looked great this weekend :).

    Try to do something that brings you peace and helps you heal. Whatever makes you happy and free, and don't feel guilty about it, even if it's just one thing that you do...

  11. My thoughts are with you as you approach Peyton's first birthday.
    I'm so sorry. None of this is as it should be. None of it. xx

  12. I'm praying for you. I don't know what your going through, I'm sorry I don't always have the proper words to comfort you. But I'll pray for your heart to mend.. your hurt to be washed away..and your emotions to be healed. Healed but never forgotten. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL woman. And how i wish I had the right words to comfort you..

  13. YOU SAID: "It has been nearly a year since they told me I had a "beautiful, perfect little girl," only to take it back moments later."

    *Peyton was and is always going to be beautiful and perfect. She will carry you through this life. No one can take that away from you.


  14. Hugs to you. I'm praying for you as Peyton's birthday approaches.

  15. Oh, you are an amazing person. I feel inadequate to even comment on your blog, but my heart goes out to you. I think anyone who has experienced a loss knows the grieving process is not easy.

    "I am surrounded by people who love me, who reach out to me, and yet I feel so incredibly alone in this new world. What is wrong with me?"

    Nothing is wrong with you. You are a mother who is going through the grieving process. No one can fully understand what you are going through. It is a journey that you must continue on your own, but know that you are surrounded by people who love you.

    I will be thinking of you tomorrow on Peyton's birthday. May the Lord continue to bless you and strengthen you.