Friday, September 4, 2009

Happy 1st Birthday Peyton

For the last eleven months I have wondered how it would feel to wake up today, on your birthday, without you here. There are so many bittersweet emotions on this day, and I am at a loss for words or poetry to do them justice, so I will share some photos instead, snapshots of your birth and the moments after. I love you baby girl and miss you immensely.

Happy Birthday!

Daddy and I were so excited to meet our little one.

After your birth, they brought you in to say hello before transferring you. We didn't know you were sick so this was really hard. We wanted to hold you so badly.

Daddy held your little hand first.

And then I got my turn.

You looked around for a while, grabbed your pacifier and then fell back asleep. I was amazed at how you didn't even seem to notice all the commotion around you. You were just beautiful.

It was so hard to say goodbye, but they needed to get you to a bigger hospital.

Daddy followed you to the NICU and held your hand for me. It broke my heart to not be able to go, but the C-section made leaving impossible. Grandma stayed by Mommy's side, helping me make sense of what was happening while Pop Pop and Daddy went to see you. They brought pictures and video of you back to me that night, and told me about the Leukemia diagnosis, the odds, and the treatment plan. I was devastated and in total shock. Your Daddy was so strong those first days, traveling between the two hospitals to be by both of our sides. I missed you so much and wanted to be with you, but it would be thirty more hours before the hospital gave me the green light to check out early.

Happy Birthday My Sweet Baby Girl. I Miss You.


  1. Happy Bithday to you beautiful Peyton. xx

  2. ...thinking about you both today. I'm glad I stopped by and read your most recent post-- (while listening to Bette's song.) It was really touching to read about that moment in time exactly one year ago today. My heart is with you and Peyton's spirit is very much alive...

  3. I want to just come where you are and give you a big big hug.

    This is a wonderful tribute to sweet Peyton.
    In the last pic it looks like she recognizes daddy...she was beautiful.

  4. Happy birthday Peyton. May the angels above make you a cake as sweet as you. Hugs Momma.

  5. Happy Birthday Peyton! You are a beautiful little girl!

  6. Happy birthday Peyton! I wish you all peace today...

    Nancy from LFCA

  7. Happy Birthday sweet, beautiful Peyton. Watch over your mommy today because she is missing you more than you will ever know. Enjoy your Birthday party in Heaven and know that we are rejoycing in the fact that you are completely pain, hurt, and sadness free today and forever. We love you and your precious family, baby girl.

    All our love and prayers,
    The Hingleys in VA

  8. Happy Birthday to Peyton. Wishing you peace and happiness.
    This is the first time I've been on your blog...but reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Sending you virtual hugs to get through this difficult day.

  9. Remembering your beautiful daughter, Peyton Elizabeth, on her first birthday. I hope today passes peacefully for you. You are in my thoughts. xx

  10. Dear Peyton Elizabeth

    Today is your first birthday. I picture you with many other little children who have come to join you in God’s presence. You are happy and loving your new little friends. We all miss you here and think of you all the time. It is not you who brings tears to our eyes but what happened to take you away. You have brought all of us,, your Mommy, and Daddy , your Aunts and Uncles,, Grandmas and Grandpas, and so many other so much closer together. Always know this is the greatest gift anyone could ever leave for others. I will always love you and keep you in a very special place in my heart just for you. Happy birthday my little darling.

    Love Always

    Pop Pop

  11. Wonderful pictures. Happy Birthday, Peyton.

  12. September 4, 2009

    Our dearest PEYTON ELIZABETH

    It’s hard to believe it is one year since we first saw you. Thank you so much for the gift of letting us see your sweet face and experiencing your wonderful personality. Though our time was short, our love and memories are not.

    We will always treasure the time we spent with you and try to imagine what you would look like now, the funny faces you would make and the trouble you would get into just being a baby. We miss you so much.

    Happy First Birthday to our first Binder grandchild. You will always be our Sweet Baby Girl!



  13. Thinking of you today, and of your sweet baby girl Peyton on her birthday. We'll light a candle for her on Sunday to burn beside one for our George. (((hugs)))

  14. I've been thinking about Peyton from the time I got out of bed this morning... What beautiful pictures. I've cried many tears today knowing that your baby girl isn't with you to celebrate this day, but I do feel that her spirit is very much alive.

  15. What a beautiful baby. Many thoughts and prayers going out to you today and your precious little girl.

  16. Happy Birthday sweet girl. There are so many people that are thinking about you today.

    So many ((hugs)) to you.

  17. A blessed birthday to you dear mama...for it is your birthday as well. Your first...

    My heart goes out to you, for all you have lost, for all you have been through. It's more than anyone should have to go through. I'm glad you have such lovely pictures to remind you of her pure beauty.

    Happy birthday to a little girl who is dearly loved, and always will be close to her mommy's heart.

  18. Happy birthday to a very beautiful little girl, your story has touched so many. Everyone who loves you must miss you so much today and every day.
    Pauline from LFCA

  19. Thinking about you and Peyton. Happy Birthday, beautiful girl


  20. Happy birthday, Peyton. Hope you're dancing with butterflies and teaching heaven how to party.

    Thank you for always watching over mommy and daddy. Look how far they've come in bringing folks from around the world together right here on this blog through your amazing and loving spirit!

    Love to you and your family...

  21. Happy Birthday Peyton!! Even people who never got the chance to meet you are missing you today! <3

    I'm sorry Peyton's birthday is not what you or any of us would have wanted it to be. Missing her with you today especially. She's so beautiful!


  22. Happy Birthday Peyton! I like to imagine that she is having a big party in Heaven with my Molly and all the other angel babies. These milestones are so hard and I am so sorry that your baby girl is not with you here on earth right now. The picture are beautiful, just like your daughter. Thank you for sharing. Holding you close in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

    Take care and God bless,

  23. I stopped in to give you a HUGE Hug today. I'm sorry I wasn't here yesterday.

    I also wanted to tell you, I had glimpsed your post before I went to work yesterday. I left with you heavy on my heart, I prayed driving down the blvd for you and your husband. AS I did...

    On came a man named John on the radio (I listen to the Christian channel )

    Dr. James Dobson is a radio host along with a few others.

    John and his wife have lost 2 children close to birth.
    He wrote a book, (I didn't get all of the radio show) as I live in the mountains and driving through the canyons it fades in and out.

    If you call this number they will send you the book he wrote for free on how to cope. Please forgive me if I am over stepping my bounds) I'm SORRY I hope you don't take it that way. However my heart aches for you and your husband. AS I prayed John was telling his story about his children and it was like God gave me the push I needed to help you.
    You can contact them at 1800 55 grace. and tell them the name of the book is Safe in The Arms of God.

    If you know me well enough you'd laugh.. I have a HORRIBLE memory..I forget as soon as someone tells me something .. *grin.
    I LOST my pen..pulled over ran sacking my SUV for my pen.. wrote it with my lipstick on a grocery receipt I found and KISSED it when I was done.

    YOu can also contact them through the mail
    Grace To You
    PO Box 4000
    Panorama, CA 91412

    Asking them for the Copy of the book Safe in The Arms Of God.

    I didn't get his last name (the canyon wall was blocking out my signal)

    I hope I didn't offend you..If I over stepped ..please tell me to mind my business ..and I promise I won't be offended. I just thought it wonderful how God works.How he sends small messages through people to help others.

    Have a beautiful day today...


  24. Your blog is beautiful. Peyton is beautiful. You are a very talented writer. You are a very strong woman and I would like to thank you for creating this blog for all of the mothers and fathers who have lost their babies.
    God Bless you.

  25. Happy Birthday, Peyton. Send your mommy and daddy kisses, their hearts are hurting.

    I am so sorry. Thanks for sharing your story and pictures of your precious little one.


  26. Remembering Peyton, and thinking of you, Peyton and your whole family on her birthday. She was so beautiful.

  27. Your daughter was absolutely gorgeous. I love how she was gazing into your eyes in the photo in your header. Looking at these pictures of her and your family made me ache and hurt so bad for you. I'm so sorry your sweet Peyton isn't with you. (((hugs)))

  28. Happy Belated 1st Birthday Peyton. What a beautiful little girl you are!!

    I just came across your blog today, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl. I know the pain (though under different circumstances) but our pain is the same...we are missing our babies.


  29. Happy Birthday, Peyton.

    Sorry doesn't begin to do it justice. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  30. Happy Birthday Peyton. Oh my you were absolutely beautiful and I'm sure you are even more so today! The letters from gramma and pop pop had me sobbing. I had to send my little boy off the same way and the pictures brought it back so clearly. Thanks for sharing.

  31. your stroller will be full. keep the hope and faith. you have made it so far in your journey. your journey is not over. peyton will be guiding you all the while.

  32. I'm here from LFCA - just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. What a sweet baby girl.

  33. Im thinking of you this weekend as you mark this important milestone, I wish I had read this in the actual day of. Peyton is smiling down on you and sending you encouragement!

  34. Thinking of you and your sweet girl today ~

  35. I'm just gobsmacked at how beautiful Peyton is. What an adorable, chubby little girl.

    Happy (belated) birthday Peyton.

    I wish things were different. Is it stupid to wish things were different? Possibly. I still try to bargain, 2 years post my daughter's death.

    Thank you for dropping by my blog.
    Thinking of you and hope Peyton's first birthday bought moments of pure joy in addition to the pain.

  36. I am so sorry. Thinking about Peyton and thankful that you've shared her with us through pictures and stories. Sending peace of heart.