Last night I watched my brother in law enter into marriage with a girl that my husband has long called his best friend. The ceremony was both beautiful, on a rooftop garden looking out over the city, and interesting, the bride is Vietnamese and her mother gave her away after being awarded a dowry of gold coins, flowers, livestock (a fake chicken for this occasion), and some fruit. Anyone who attended this wedding and reception would awaken today thinking only of what a great success it all was, but then again, not just anyone is a babylost momma. I am here writing this full of regrets this morning, regrets that I think can only be attributable to this kind of loss. It's not that we ended the night in a pool fully clothed that upsets me, that was actually fun and when in the company of my in-laws who can out-party the best of 'em, kind of to be expected. It's not that I said the wrong thing, or cried easily at the mention of my daughter and the questions as to how I am doing, because I really wouldn't expect anything different of myself when seeing most of these people for the first time since I was pregnant. My regrets are of the "what if" variety.
This morning I woke up early to the rumble of my upset stomach and the pounding of my anxious heart, and began worrying whether I had had "too good" a time. Loss does this to you I think. Where others went out, had a few drinks, ended the night with a dip in a hot tub and woke up today with a little pounding in their heads, I woke up with a pounding in my heart and an overwhelming sense of dread and a barrage of what ifs. What if I am pregnant and don't know it yet and had those drinks last night? What if that seemingly innocent dip in the hot tub with friends after cost me another child? What if letting my guard down this one time has had terrible consequences? I should probably have prefaced this post by telling you that I tested myself the last few days including yesterday morning and it was negative. As I have mentioned on here before, grieving has left my body all out of whack so I have been doing this all along, testing to be on the safe side before doing anything that I wouldn't do if I was pregnant, having some wine, eating certain seafoods, participating in more dangerous forms of exercise etc etc. The average person would do the math, realize how just impossible a baby would even be at this point and accept the negative test at face value, but I am not an average person. Doing what would bring comfort to anyone else, cannot ease the mind of a mother who has experienced loss from anticipating more. I don't know if it is because I did absolutely everything in my pregnancy with Peyton to the "t" when it came to my health and nutrition, and still couldn't bring a healthy child into this world, or if it is the unrelenting guilt of not being able to save Peyton and the sense that I am being punished for it that does this to me, but as I sit here this morning unable to get back to sleep I wonder... do any of you find it impossible to relax and enjoy yourselves without worrying that more baby loss is inevitable and assuming that every action is just another step towards it?
I'm thinking about you daily, including you and your family in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteHuGZ
We aren't trying, so I don't worry about what I eat or drink in terms of it affecting another child/pregnancy. But, I do wonder if things that happened in L's pregnancy will affect another one. Like, did all the infections I had, did the weeks and weeks of meds following his birth in any way hurt my body to make it even impossible to conceive? Then I wonder, if I have fun, if I smile am I doing a diservice to my sons. Should I be smiling and having fun sometimes? Or should I should I be at home in a lull and crying. Its a fine line, i'm not sure what is right or wrong. I think our thoughts about MANY things are skewed and always will be do to what we have been through. I think its normal...at least "normal" for us.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Yes, once we started TTC (well, not really TTC, more like not preventing,) it was always on my mind. I tried my best to stay away from things that I would avoid if I knew I was pregnant, however I did have a drink here and there. I didn't indulge as much as I would've if I knew there was no chance that I *might* be pregnant at that moment though. I've been pregnant four times in the past three years though (twice to term so far,) so I guess I've gotten kind of used to avoiding all those 'off limits during pregnancy' things. I know it's easier said than done, but as I (and you,) have discovered - you can do all the 'right' things during pregnancy and still end up with a very sick baby. Try to let go of that feeling that you did something that caused your daughter to be ill, because you didn't. Sometimes these things are out of our hands. I know myself that accepting this is impossible, but please don't beat yourself up (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI feel exactally the same way. I worry that exercising, drinking, hot baths or anything of that nature is going to harm the baby that I could possibly be carrying without even knowing it. I try to tell myself to stop worrying but after a loss it seems like that is all you can do is worry. I don't think that people understand unless they have been through the loss of a child.
ReplyDeleteYes, do I ever. There is basically no probability that I could be pregnant because Tim and I have only had sex once this cycle and it was on day 7 and we were careful, yet last Sunday I woke up full of regret after having a few too many drinks during our block party. We recently moved into the neighbourhood and with all that has happened I was worried the neighbours thought I was some sort of anti-social recluse, and I haven't really let myself relax and have any fun for the last two months, so when I found myself, wine in hand, actually enjoying myself, I decided to go with it. I thought to myself after one drink that I should stop, just in case, but then I rationalized that it was pretty much impossible I could be pregnant and I deserved to have a good time, so I had a few more and woke up regretting it, and I'm still regretting it a week later.
ReplyDeleteI think my regrets and fears are heightened because I made a mistake with Isla, and well my rational brain knows her death was completely unrelated, I can't help but feel guilty. With my first pregnancy I had symptoms long before it was even possible to test, and when I tested 4 days early the test came back positive. So, with Isla, when I had no pregancy symptoms and I tested 1 day early and it was negative, and also had symptoms of what I thought were my period starting (brown spotting and cramping), I thought it was safe to drink. I had at couple of glasses of wine one night, and two beers the next. The following day when my full period had not yet arrived and I tested again and got a BFP, I FREAKED OUT. I can't stop thinking now that I may have made the same mistake twice, and on the extremely off chance I am pregant, that this baby is of course now destined to die too.
In fact, I am so nervous about getting pregnant and unintentionally doing anything that could hurt another baby, that I don't think I can have sex anymore until we are actually TTC again. I'm paranoid that if I get pregnant before eating 100% healthy for at three months, never skipping a vitamin, getting the toxic cleaning chemicals out the house, etc, etc., my new baby will die, or at the very least be harmed by my carelessness.
It is embarrasing to admit all of this, but I hope it helps to know you are definitely not alone! xoxo
Yeah...I'm there too. I don't know what to say cause I would be a liar if I said I'm not freaked out about the little things now.
ReplyDeleteYour question is what I often ask...all i know is that I was once naiive and thought it was the other way around..maybe it is...who knows, but now...it freaks me out.
Thinking about you....sending lots of baby dust your way, and hoping in my heart that "WE" can trust that God takes care of everything.
We aren't actively trying right now, but I can someone imagine how are you are feeling about loosing another. We lost one in the first trimester and our second pregnancy was Jonathan in the second trimester so I keep thinking if we get pregnant again I'll loose in the third trimester. I think its normal for all of us to feel this way. Definately you are not alone. *hugs* Sending prayers for health, healing and a healthy baby when you are ready.
ReplyDeleteOh how I know those feelings. All of my pregnancies we've done everything to the letter and still... not enough. With our first babies, it wasnt enough to have them live long term in this world... with these twins, I couldnt get them past 28 weeks... Now, I'm just trying to be grateful for every single day. But it is hard when you do "everything right" and cant make it to the ending that seems so easy to so many.
ReplyDeleteI just wrote a blog post about this on my blog called Waiting for the Shoe to Drop.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, I have been there and then some.
You must try and push the dark clouds from your mind and try your hardest to enjoy those tiny glimpses of joyful moments.
When you get to be my age you realize that there is a Plan, and that suffering sucks, it makes you stronger and a better person and a living example to others for exemplifying Grace in living form, but nonetheless, it sucks to be the person chosen to be the living example of the pain and suffering.
Hugs honey.
To answer your question, yes. It is hard to tell myself it is ok to laugh again and not feel guilty. The guilt that loss brings is intense. It dries you up and tries to keep you that way. And yes, I feel like I have to really watch everything I do, because I dread losing another baby. I say all this to put your mind to some kind of rest in assurance that loss does it to all of us. You are not alone. Praying for you. XX
ReplyDeleteI tried to post a comment and the computer stalled - now I'm not sure if it's taking a detour in cyberspace or waiting for your approval. I'm sorry you've woken up feeling unsettled. It sounds as though you had some fun at the wedding and reception but also got to be open with people about your sadness over Peyton. To answer your query, I was blessed with four healthy children after good pregnancies before losing our George full-term in May during his birth. I've agonized remembering the months I was pregnant with him because I was sick with pneumonia and it took ages to get any doctor who would prescribe antibiotic. I was so sick for so long. What if I'd pushed harder for meds? What if I'd brought on his birth a few days earlier rather than waiting for nature to take its course? I opted for the latter for the first time (we've always had my membranes swept) because I wanted to rest up after being so tired and sick for so long. What if? What if? It's awful. Don't ask me why, but I read a news story about teen mothers and one of the girls was a drug addict. She shared about doing more and much worse drugs after learning she was pregnant. She delivered a baby (physically healthy, bless the babe's heart, but addicted) and rejected the babe in the delivery room saying the infant, "stank." Oh. My. The injustice. It's so unfair and awful that mums who want their babies and are so careful don't get to bring their babies home. And others don't realize how blessed they are. My husband keeps saying to me (more and more angrily now he's getting more frustrated with me - LOL - it's not said as gently): Crap just happens. It's not unfair. It just is. But I wish it weren't and that there was some fairness to all of this babyloss. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteAs if what we've been through isn't enough, we can't even enjoy ourselves completely like non-babylost-people. OAM, don't beat up on yourself. You're entitiled to a good time, and you did everything and then some to be a responsible possible mother to be. I know all of us have been told it was not our fault, there was nothing we could have done. And I know how easy it is to blame ourselves...try to give yourself a break, I know it's not easy, but you deserve it.
ReplyDeleteMy answer is simple...yes.
ReplyDeleteYes! I feel like I just read my own thoughts in your blog. It doesnt matter how many neg tests I get or how many test I tear apart "just in case" the kine showed up beyond the window ( dont even think that is possible sut I still do it) I still feel the what ifs sneak in.
ReplyDeleteGuilt is something I deal with on a daily bases and although through counseling I have learned to deal with it. I still have my moments. When you feel like your body betrayed you and your children it is hard to overcome. All I can say is I am praying that you are able to overcome these feeling in your own time.
Oh, yes. I totally understand. I have had three negative tests, but for some reason my period hasn't come. So even though I *know* I am not pregnant, I'm still afraid to do all these random things. My twins were lost due to an infection, so once I'm pregnant-no sex, no baths, etc. etc. so I am always freaking out.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'm said this before, but your Peyton is just so, so beautiful. Every time I come to your blog, the picture of her just takes my breath away.
I am so sorry that she is not here with you where she is supposed to be.
Oh, yes. I remember the guilt in having fun and enjoying life post debilitating loss. Was I supposed to be doing laughing and having a good time?
ReplyDeleteAnd then I realized later that... experiencing life's little pleasures was alright. Because why? Because my loved ones wouldn't have wanted me to spend all my days crying excessively over a cutesy movie like Home Alone 2.
It's OK to have fun. Do it at your own pace. Show Peyton the world...
Oh yes, I even worry that my worrying will some how be too stressfull and might cause a misscarraige. I dont think any of us will ever not worry about these things if hoping to concieve again. We will never again be afforded the luxory of innocence. We know all too well what living the nightmare is like. I will pray that you will be blessed very soon with a healthy baby!
ReplyDeleteWe are not at the point to TTC but having gone full term to deliver Lukas and never knowing anything was wrong I know will drive me beyond paranoid.
ReplyDeleteI pray that a blessing is sent your way.
my situation is a little different.. my husband and I are both carriers of a mutated gene that when put together has a 25% chance of the baby having a mitochondrial disorder like Ella.. We take extra precautions not to get pregnant the "old fashioned way" since there is a 25% I would have to bury another baby.. but I do feel guilty when I go out..when I laugh, smile,when I look at baby girl stuff..and I think about another baby and I yearn for another child, not that one will ever replace her, but I still feel that guilt.. hugs!
ReplyDeleteI would be lying if I said that I wasn't afraid because I am. I don't want another of my babies to die, but my longing for a baby is greater than my fear of losing another. I did everything right for Carleigh. I have been taking prenatals since 2007 and I was getting enough folic acid but it still happened. Why? Only God knows. Now I am on mega doses of folic acid in hoping that it will help. But what if it happens again? What if something else happens to my baby? I know it will be so hard. And I can't shake the feeling that it's gonna happen again. I so hope I'm wrong. I hope it's just me being irrational. I think so many moms can relate to how you are feeling.
ReplyDelete