Last night I watched my brother in law enter into marriage with a girl that my husband has long called his best friend. The ceremony was both beautiful, on a rooftop garden looking out over the city, and interesting, the bride is Vietnamese and her mother gave her away after being awarded a dowry of gold coins, flowers, livestock (a fake chicken for this occasion), and some fruit. Anyone who attended this wedding and reception would awaken today thinking only of what a great success it all was, but then again, not just anyone is a babylost momma. I am here writing this full of regrets this morning, regrets that I think can only be attributable to this kind of loss. It's not that we ended the night in a pool fully clothed that upsets me, that was actually fun and when in the company of my in-laws who can out-party the best of 'em, kind of to be expected. It's not that I said the wrong thing, or cried easily at the mention of my daughter and the questions as to how I am doing, because I really wouldn't expect anything different of myself when seeing most of these people for the first time since I was pregnant. My regrets are of the "what if" variety.
This morning I woke up early to the rumble of my upset stomach and the pounding of my anxious heart, and began worrying whether I had had "too good" a time. Loss does this to you I think. Where others went out, had a few drinks, ended the night with a dip in a hot tub and woke up today with a little pounding in their heads, I woke up with a pounding in my heart and an overwhelming sense of dread and a barrage of what ifs. What if I am pregnant and don't know it yet and had those drinks last night? What if that seemingly innocent dip in the hot tub with friends after cost me another child? What if letting my guard down this one time has had terrible consequences? I should probably have prefaced this post by telling you that I tested myself the last few days including yesterday morning and it was negative. As I have mentioned on here before, grieving has left my body all out of whack so I have been doing this all along, testing to be on the safe side before doing anything that I wouldn't do if I was pregnant, having some wine, eating certain seafoods, participating in more dangerous forms of exercise etc etc. The average person would do the math, realize how just impossible a baby would even be at this point and accept the negative test at face value, but I am not an average person. Doing what would bring comfort to anyone else, cannot ease the mind of a mother who has experienced loss from anticipating more. I don't know if it is because I did absolutely everything in my pregnancy with Peyton to the "t" when it came to my health and nutrition, and still couldn't bring a healthy child into this world, or if it is the unrelenting guilt of not being able to save Peyton and the sense that I am being punished for it that does this to me, but as I sit here this morning unable to get back to sleep I wonder... do any of you find it impossible to relax and enjoy yourselves without worrying that more baby loss is inevitable and assuming that every action is just another step towards it?