There is a new side to me since losing Peyton. An angry, vociferous side that has lost any and all patience with parents who don't appreciate the gift that they have in their children. I am not proud of it, but it's there.
Yesterday, hubby and I were driving to the store on a very busy road near a large housing complex. As we neared a light, we passed a woman pushing a baby stroller down the road, with a cigarette in one hand, and her cellphone in the other. I wanted to jump out of the car, to smack her and scream "What the hell are you doing? Are you even paying attention!"
It may sound insignificant, and maybe my reaction would have been totally out of line, but really... if you are smoking with one hand and talking on the phone with the other while pushing a stroller down a very busy road... how well are you holding onto that stroller, and how much attention are you paying to your child? Does she not know how incredibly blessed she is to even have the opportunity to push a full stroller?
Scenes like that of this woman, stories I hear on the news nightly of people neglecting and not appreciating their children... they just make me wonder where the justice is? This community is full of so many women who want nothing more than to have our babies back, to love and nurture and appreciate them. We wouldn't be perfect, no mother is, but I am sure that if we were walking among speeding cars, we would be holding tight to those strollers.
I think this all the time. I think about how I deserve my baby more than they do, for all sorts of reasons. It really does seem like there's no justice.
ReplyDeleteThat woman with the phone and cigarette just doesn't know what she's got. I wish that she could see into the life of a mama who's lost a baby for just a second so that she would know what a precious gift she has. Just smoking around the poor little baby is enough to disgust me.
Yes we would. This is something that I struggle with as well, the anger. I see so many cases like this and I just want to scream! And I wonder what kind of a life that poor child is going to have with parents like that? Its awful but I also wonder if it would have been better for my child to have lived and for that one maybe not to have and avoid all the hardships that they're bound to endure. It shameful but the truth of the matter.
ReplyDeleteHow right you are and how much I needed to read that. Now, I'm not so fargone that I am that "smoking/chatting up a storm" mama, but William and I definitely had a battle of wills today. I have to catch myself many times when I'm about to loose it with him and say to myself, "You are so blessed...this too shall pass." Thank you for giving me a much needed wake-up call.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Erin
I don't understand it. I never will.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad for feeling that way. I think it is only natural to feel that way. I have not lost a child but that will change in a few weeks (sad but true) and I already feel upset when I hear or see mother's complaining about their children. I think many children go unappreciated in this life and it's really hard to just sit and watch that happen.
ReplyDeleteP.S Peyton is BEAUTIFUL little angel!!!
It makes no sense and dwelling on it will make me crazier than I already am these days. I wonder those things too. This world is dark, unfair and there really is no justice. Hoping for peace for your heart. I hope you let yourself feel what you are feeling whether or not it's a comfortable place to be.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
I had the same anger and sense of injustice, especially early on. I couldn't watch or read the news, and when my husband tried to tell me of stories of things people did to their kids, I stopped him.
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling. I was in the Kohl's parking lot one day and I saw a young girl about five months pregnant and smoking a cigarette. I wanted to literally go over and strangle her. Granted that would have been over the top, but it was part of the anger I was feeling at the time.
ReplyDeleteI still find that people don't appreciate the children. Sending thoughts for peace and healing. *hugs*
I think like this a lot, too. I see mothers whose babies aren't all bundled up and/or don't have socks on in winter, and think I deserve my son because he'd have a hat on! Or I see a 15-year-old mother and think, "SHE got to keep HER baby..." or "...and I bet she'll have five more; beautiful, breathing, healthy babies." I don't know if it's "normal", but it's certainly not just you. Even my best friend, complains ALL the time about how she'd do anything for a night away from her kids. I'd give anything for one night WITH my son. Hope you have a better day tomorrow. That's all we have sometimes...hope.
ReplyDeleteSince losing Lukas I seem to be protective of every child regarless if I know them or not. It's in the blink of an eye that they can be taken away and some people just don't get it.
ReplyDeleteAmazing how some take for granted what they have... its too bad and I can understand your frustration and anger totally.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree. I am not a perfect mommy to Peyton and Paige but I tell you, I hug them, absorb them, tell them each day how cherished they are, and pray over them each night, thanking God for the wonderful gift of my precious children. Loving and losing Emma taught us to never, ever take our little ones for granted. Things can change so quickly...
ReplyDeleteIt drives me insane to know so many parent's who have buried children and are incredible people but without children. Then see so many other people doing abusive things to their kids - or totally ignoring their kids and never once realizing what a gift they have been given.
It is injustice isn't it? You see people who don't want to care for children being blessed just left and right. Makes you wonder about justice all the time.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I think about it from all angles, and I think, if God didn't know how much we love our children (deceased or alive) he would never give us the pain of remembering them, BUT, these other parents truly do not know what they have...they can't...how could they?
ReplyDeleteI feel sorry for them and their children.
I have such anger because my brother and his girlfriend are pregnant (and due any day now) and they've had the worst behavior. smoking, drinking, you name it. It breaks my heart. The girl even had the nerve to say that she hoped the baby would be born premature so that she wouldnt have to labor hard! For someone who has lost babies because of severe prematurity, this hurt like nothing I've ever known and I still am not over it. I dont know that I ever will be.
ReplyDeleteIt just makes me sick how easy some people treat their pregnancies and babies.