Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Keeping Things In Perspective

This isn't the post I was going to put up today. The post I was going to put up was titled "That Little Stinker!" I wrote it shortly after coming out of my first doctor's appointment of the day, and it read as follows:

At today's NST it was discovered that our little boy - Baby A - has decided to join his twin sister and go breech! My dreams for a VBAC are getting further and further away from me. I think that, were it not so laughable that HE be the one who decided to flip at 37 weeks, I just might cry over this news. So much for believing anything in this life is within our control.
For now, all I can do is thank God that these babies are healthy, and pray that their (most likely) c-sectioned entry into this world is not too triggering of painful memories from Peyton's.
Please join me in praying for a beautiful and healing birth experience for us all. It's not the way I would have chosen, but so little in this life is. It looks like we will be scheduled for sometime next week.

It had been a chaotic morning. I had almost gotten into a car accident on my way to the hospital. Had the accident happened, it would have been my fault, not because I wasn't paying attention, but it was one of those situations where my vision on a car got lost in the glare of the sun. I saw it at just the right time, slammed on my breaks, and was able to avoid getting hurt.

After that I headed to the hospital and had my appointment. When it was over, I typed the short post up on my hubs cell phone (texting is not my strong suit) and put it aside to revisit and edit once I got home. I called hubs to give him the news about Baby A, and we decided to meet up for lunch. 

My husband "gets" why I am so sad about the prospect of not getting to VBAC. When we were first told that Baby B had gone breech, and VBAC was unlikely, it was hubs who had tears come to his eyes first. When I asked him what was the matter, he told me he was upset for me, because he knew how hard those words were for me to hear. "I know how badly you want this," he said, "and that makes me want it for you. It just seems unfair that it has to be so difficult."

Today at lunch we had much the same conversation. With each cosmic blow to my plan of VBAC-ing these babies, I have learned to become more accepting of the reality that when the time comes, I will be wheeled not into a delivery room, but an operating room, and my children will be removed from me by an obstetrician, rather than birthed by my will, blood, sweat and tears. It's not what I would have chosen, but like the many other twists and turns that have come along this journey to motherhood, I will learn to roll with it.

When lunch was over, hubs and I headed out to the parking lot so he could go back to work. My mind was still swirling with the mix of emotions of the day: the joy at hearing once again how great the babies are looking on NST, mixed with the disappointment at realizing what a small miracle it would take at full term to get both of these babies to flip so that I could VBAC. All of the sudden my train of thought was broken by a loud screech, and crash. A car went tumbling end over end in front of us, before landing roof down against a pole. At the other side of the street, what remained of the car that had hit it sat smoking. The site made us stop in our tracks. We just knew that both drivers had to be hurt badly, or worse. The accident was one of the worst I have ever seen.

There was a police officer not even a hundred yards from the scene of the accident, standing near a work crew.

"What's that cop doing?" I kept asking hubs. "Why is he just standing there? He should be running over to help them." Drivers from other cars had come pouring out into the street to attend to the wounded, but the cop stood still. Even now, a few hours later, I still can't make sense of his actions. After an eternity, or a moment, rescue vehicles were on the scene.

"Makes you count your blessings." I said holding onto hubs, still unable to process the devastation we had just witnessed.

"Yes," he nodded, "it sure does."

As we left the scene, I told hubs about my near-accident of the morning, and how a split second of reaction time had made all the difference.

And that's just sort of how life is sometimes. 

Out of our control.

I guess as long as we recognize that, it is easier to accept those moments that feel full of disappointment.

I won't lie and say that I am not still sad that I can't have my choice when it comes to how these babies are going to be brought into this world, but so little that happens in this life is by choice. 

So little is within our control. 

So I am choosing to do the only thing that STILL IS within my control. 
I am choosing to keep things in perspective.

Yes I am disappointed.
Yes I know that having a c-section is going to be more triggering for me than vaginal birth would have been.
Yes the thought of it scares me.

But I am okay.
My husband is okay.
These babies are okay.

At the end of the day - whether things go the way I had hoped or not - what else really matters?


  1. I know you know how lucky you are to get to full term with twins...It's amazing! I am sorry it won't be the birth you were hoping for but I"m guessing that when you see those babies you won't care anymore. I had a c-section with my youngest (the same way her big brothers were born) and yes, it was odd to be in that room but it didn't have any triggers for me. The triggers came later....as my little girl got bigger and bigger and I saw what i was missing with her brothers. I hope your delivery day is a good one too....Thinking of you!

  2. I'm sorry to hear you won't be able to VBAC the twins, but am glad that they along with you are all safe and sound. That is awful about the accident, and it really does make you stop and put things into perspective. I wish you all the best as you get closer to the delivery day.

  3. You're a beautiful and wise woman.

  4. Oh, so true my dear. After all the loss we've been through, and with our big Level II ultrasound looming tomorrow morning, I know that statement is SO true. Whatever will be will be. Thanks for reminding me to keep it all in perspective.

    Can't wait to see those beauties!

  5. I look back and it does sadden me that I had a c/s with Bobby and Maya. But I look into their eyes and know that I would do it again if it meant being able to look in their eyes every single day... or even just that one day.

    Perspective... You are so right.

    I am so glad you- and those sweet babies- are okay, and I will say a prayer for those drivers...

  6. have you checked out the website spinning babies???

  7. I have been reading for a while and i know i do not comment often, but i have been praying extrememly hard for the twins and you since day one. I do want to let you know that maybe the babies being breech is a blessing. You see, I have been talking to some of the nurses I work with to see if their experience has been the same as mine....VBACS are EXTREMELY dangerous. Some docs try to do them, and I have been in ORs holding in a woman's uterus because she abrupted during delivery. I have never once been worried about the babies since you have been talking about a VBAC, but more for you. I would say 90% of the ones I have seen attempted have ended in the OR emergency c-section with the mother losing absorbent amounts of blood.....this was scaring me because you have twins.... that increases your risk. I know you REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted this, but i am hoping this happened for a reason...and all three of you come out of this happy and healthy. Maybe ask the OR staff if you can bring in some nice music to play in the room, and your hubby will get to be there this time (since it is planned), and maybe bring a fun little surgical cap with a pattern or someting for you and the hubby....things to make it special, and more comfortable. You are still in my prayers! and just remember, life throws us things, but one thing I have noticed is you are one strong cookie, and you will probably forget about the birth process once those babes are in your arm:-)

  8. What an amazing story... you're so right - keeping things in perspective is the only thing we can control on this crazy journey and to see such an horrific accident certainly can put things in perspective. I was devastated when I first found out that I would probably need a c-section when my first was breech and am gradually letting go of my dream of ever having a live NVD - but to know that they are both progressing so well otherwise must be an amazing feeling. You're doing a fantastic job and looking forward to hearing all about them when they arrive soon :)) xoxo

  9. I'm sorry that things aren't going the way that you hoped, but I'm so happy for your that the babies are healthy. Your an amazing mother.

  10. Set an intention to have a peaceful birth, and then hand it over to the universe to have it delivered to you in whatever shape or form it may come ;-)

    I have a strong feeling that the next time we hear from you, there'll be two little snowflakes out in the world.

    Sorry about the accident, that is horrendous to see and experience.

  11. I too "get" the conflicting emotion between being glad to be alived and glad that your two babies are growing closer to their birth day, but sad you probably won't get to experience the most "motherly" experience.

    Does it help to say that your disappointment is at its maximum at the moment but (we hope and pray) your joy will grow so much more in the weeks, months, years, decades to come. In time this disappointment will be overshadowed by a lifetime (2 lifetimes) of joy.

    Stay well, rest well, the prize is in site. And every joy and blessing to you, your husband and your two snowflakes. Soon you will really get to see their uniqueness.

  12. I always wanted a vaginal birth but never got to experience it. I also haven't experience what you have when you lost your precious Peyton. I am sitting her thanking God that your two precious babies are safe within you. Thanking God that you were not hurt today in your almost car accident. I also believe that those are two important signs from God that you received by seeing the other accident too. You are about to have two beautiful babies placed in your arms and that is a dream that many never get to have.

  13. I'm sorry about the birthing experience. However, honestly I'm just so excited that those little babies will be here very soon that I can hardly wait!!!

    I am so excited for you and your family. You have already proven to be a wonderful Mommy to Peyton, and I feel certain you will be just as wonderful to these little guys.

    I'm sure that the bedrest has been a complete horror, but you are so close to payday. I can't wait to see pictures of the two of them in your arms.

    Prayers for a safe delivery. I know Peyton will be there cheering those babies along. I hope that you feel her love wrap around you during the delivery and in the days to come to offer strength and reassurance. Hugs!

  14. Your twins are a blessing and so is the good health of the three of you. Am I wrong to hold out hope that the breech baby will turn around before birth? If that is not a possibility, I pray that whatever birthing experience is necessary, that it is administered in the healthiest manner possible and that the whole experience is gentle on you and your husband. You're still in my prayers and thoughts.

  15. I'm happy to hear that you are all okay. I waited until the last minute...wished for a vbac but in the end baby boy won out (another emerg c_. I hope that everything will be alright. After all it's the little ones that we want to meet, so I will cross my fingers that all goes smoothly.

  16. Stinkers these little ones you have in there! I'm sorry they aren't turned and I'm sorry you're disappointed, my friend who had twins in November felt the same way, and then she said it really didn't matter because they were here and healthy and I know that will be the same way for you. I've found that sometimes, going through something the same way again can be even more healing b/c you get the better outcome! I know it will make you miss Peyton, but everyday you miss her adorable face, and all I can think is these little ones have seen her recently and are closely connected to her and you're going to have stories to share about the three of them. Not the same as the ones you wanted, but miraculous ones nonetheless! I can't wait to see their little faces and rejoice with you and hear their names and all of the good things!!!

    I'm so very sorry to hear about your almost wreck and about the horrible one you witnessed. Amazing the things that give us perspective.

    Praying hard for all 5 of you as this day approaches, as I know your angel is watching down and loving all 4 of you here! Lots of love!!

  17. Aww, spinning babies...I tried it...I don't know. You're in a good place Kristen, all the Dr's are prepared for you and the babies. They tried everything for us to get the baby turned, it was not pleasant. AND you have 2, I cannot imagine.
    Hang in there.

  18. You're right, taking control of your own perspective is all you can do.It'll be hard to go through the c-section, but Everything is gonna be alright once you can hold those little ones in your arms. I as well am hoping that the better outcome this time may give you a chance to turn it into a healing experience. Sending lots of positive thoughts and energy to you and the snowflakes.

  19. Hi! My name is Atzimba, you don't know me in person but I got to your blog clicking and clicking through other blogs I had been reading trying to find strength through a miscarriage.

    First, congratulations on your twins! What a blessing. You are a hero to your children and many others. My hat goes off to you and your husband for your endurance and example.
    I feel I need to comment and share my two cents here. I hope you don't mind. I would feel bad not saying anything. So please take this as a friend who cares. I pray you still get to have the birth of your dreams. My sister just had a VBAC and I believe, it became possible because of the care of her well trained and very professional midwife. She had an OB as an alternative, but worked with a midwife to help with the VBAC. Her baby was breeched and the midwives she worked with gave her exercises and things to work on to turn baby. Midwives know how to do these things and most times OB's don't, with all due respect to OB's. They don't want to risk themselves so we moms end up being the ones who risk everything. They (OBs) don't get training in VBAC's. If they did, more of those would happen.
    VBACs are so possible and ARE NOT extremely dangerous, not even with twins.
    I know the 'bradley method' and a competent midwife could assist wonderfully in attempting a VBAC for you.
    I hope my comment does not come out wrong. Your thoughts on perspective are very precise and healing when it comes to all this. I just wanted to share what I have witnessed and know for a fact, works.
    Of course I am not suggesting taking an unecessary risk. But I believe we as birthing moms have the right to choose for ourselves and the privilege to stand up for what we feel is better for us and our kids.
    I feel so grateful for modern doctors and medicine and it's place in helping people, yet doctors are not all powerful, nor do they always do what's best for us. It's only us who can more rightly decide what's best and have them provide their services to us as we ask for them. So even at the hospital you can have the birth of your dreams, it's all in us to achieve that. Doctors are wonderful people, yet they can/t tell what you really want, only you can stand for what you WANT. Go for it girl! You can do it!
    Follow your heart. My best to you! Prayers, lots of prayers your way!

    A link to the book that changed my birthing world:
    No matter where a woman gives birth, this book explains for once! how and all the details to really own the birth of your child, no matter where we are.