Friday, February 4, 2011

When you want to cross that bridge...

I had a nightmare last night.

I dreamt that I came up to a very long bridge over water (think miles long) with my husband. In my dream I referred to it as the Brooklyn Bridge, but it wasn't actually that bridge. Anyway, I wanted to cross the bridge but I was scared. The bridge felt too long, and impossible to conquer. My hubs told me to just do it. He said that he would be running alongside me and he would tell me as I was getting close to the other side. I hemmed and hawed for a while, before finally getting up the guts to give it a go.

I started across the bridge, and he was yelling things like "you're a tenth of the way there, keep going." All of the sudden it became very windy out, and the bridge had no guardrails holding me in from the sea below. Up ahead of me I could see something crossing the bridge and I screamed when I realized it was water. "I'm scared." I cried, "I can't. I don't want to!" But hubs stayed on my heels, pushing me and pushing me and all the while I was terrified.

I told my hubs it wasn't safe, that I had to turn around, and when I went to head back to "safety," I saw that that area I had already crossed was becoming covered with water too. I ran as fast as I could, which wasn't very fast because I was wearing the pink CROCS that I always wear to my doctors appointments (what can I say, they still fit) and they were hindering my speed. The water levels both in front of me, and behind me, were rising. I was panicking. How was I going to get off this bridge?

I passed by someone who had been swept into the sea. I'd like to say that I stopped to help them, but that would be a lie. I wanted to help them, but I was too scared. I was in fight or flight mode. I needed to survive.

The water smelled terrible and I worried about what was in it as it soaked my feet through my CROCS.

When I finally made it off the bridge, I was met with an overpass covered in graffiti. The words that were scrawled on the wall were all scary pregnancy related words, like pre-eclampsia. I bent over to catch my breath and hubs came up beside me.

"You should have kept going," he said, unable to even look at me. "You were practically there."

I felt like a complete failure.

I could give you my own interpretation of what this dream means, but who knows how close I would really be. Despite his role in this dream, my hubs has been nothing but supportive our entire marriage, so please don't get the wrong impression.

I know that when I woke up from it, I instinctively felt between my legs, wondering if my water had broken. Realizing it hadn't, I breathed a sigh of relief and tried to go back to bed, but I couldn't.

The fear had me.

I am scared of giving birth. Not of the actual act of "giving birth," per say, I couldn't really care less about what pain I might endure during a vaginal delivery, and I have already been through a c-section so I sort of know what to expect. No, what I am scared of is actually being able to do it.

Of actually being able to bring living children into this world.

I am scared of giving birth, because I have never done that well.
I have never done it and had a good outcome.

The very worst day of my life, as ashamed as I am to admit this, was the day I gave birth to Peyton. She was taken from my body, then from the room, and by the time I first saw her, doctors were telling me that she would in all likelihood die. To describe the event of Peyton's birth as traumatic, would be an incredible understatement.

What should have been my happiest moment, was one of grief, and panic, and fear instead.

I have spent a great deal of this pregnancy worrying about getting the babies to viability, then to safety, but now, with the carrot of their arrival dangling so closely before my nose, it is hitting me - some way or another, whether vaginally or by c-section, I am going to have to "give birth" to these babies, and I am terrified.

I try over and over to picture a positive birthing experience in my mind.
I try to see them coming into the world, and being declared healthy, and handed over to me.
I try to envision them at my breast, the gratitude I will feel for their safe arrival, and the tears of joy that I know will be streaming down both my face, and that of my hubs.

I try to envision this, but sometimes the fear creeps in instead.

I wish pregnancy didn't have to be this way for any of us loss mommas. I wish that we could be happy and innocent and naive again, because I am looking down the span of this long bridge before me, wanting so badly to feel confident in my ability to get to the other side... wanting to so badly... but not.


  1. You are allowed to be scared, after everything you have been through it's only natural. I think you already know that all you can do is concentrate on each moment, and know that when it comes time to birth these babies, you will have all of us who read here willing you on, and we babyloss Mamas are a force to be dealing with!
    You can do this, you are amazing!

  2. I am (almost) right there with you. I say "almost" because I would never say I completely understand what you are going through because our experiences are very different. I lost Noah at 31 weeks (BEFORE birth). I sit here now, 31 weeks pregnant with a daughter and I am scared to death. I try to visualize those happy moments...them handing her to me and her breathing in life, healthy and whole, but fear creeps in. All I can do is cling to my Savior and pray he carries me through.

  3. I'm at 30 wks now.. and only 5 maybe 6 to go.. FEAR has started driving my bus again.. like it did in the very begining.. for the very same reason you have fear of giving birth I do too.. I fear I won't be able to hold my baby again.. And Yes I try for the postive vibe.. but fear grips me at night.. like a snake.. so Shake it off - Keep the positive vision and hope.. I'm right there beside you .. with HOPE. hang on.. it won't be long now! Brandy

  4. Just sending you love and prayers for peace and confidence!

  5. Oh my goodness! what a dream. I was seeing everything that you explained and my eyes weld with tears as you saw the graffiti wall with words like preeclampsia. I can't understand these fears 100% yet because of me not being pregnant again yet. I do understand how much I want to bring home a healthy baby with NO nicu time. But all at the same time I'm scared of the unknown...knowing preeclamsia can grip me once again. Knowing that if I brought a healthy baby home, what would I do? Would I know how to deal? I don't know what its like to have a healthy baby, let alone home with me. I do believe that mothers do instinctively know what to do when that time comes. I believe that with your/ "our" experience has made us wiser and more cautious. Meaning anything that even looks close to not right we will swing ourselves to the Doctors door. I think that your dream was just that a dream- something your subconscious made up in your sleep because reality is that you are scared of the past repeating itself. I believe that the snowflakes are fine. Trust in God and in your ability to mother. Just breathe...take care

  6. I can offer nothing but words; you're in my thoughts and hopes.

  7. I cannot say it any better than Jeanette did - she said it perfectly. We are all rooting for you and for your precious little snowflakes.

  8. Wow. Isn't it amazing how our brain allows our dreams to work out what is going on in our subconcious mind??? Just totally crazy.

    I think this is raw emotion at it's finest. It is only reasonable that you will feel fearful when the time arrives. I mean, how else should you feel? If you said you felt confident and secure I wouldn't believe you :)!!

    Imagine if you had experienced a plane crash during landing. Rightfully, at each landing, you would feel nervous and anxious and uncertain. It's my understanding that you were unaware of any issues until after Peyton was born. So, here you are again. At that pivotal point.

    I'm sure it's scary. I'm sure you feel anxious. I feel certain this pregnancy has been a long, hard, emotional road. I think it's completely fine to say that, to feel that, to embrace that. Just as I feel it's fine to embrace the uneasiness of what it is to come.

    My prayers are with you. I honestly believe Peyton will be there to usher those two, sweet babies into your arms and into your life for a long, long time. Hugs and love!

  9. I can so relate. My only experience of birth had been stillbirth. That's all I knew. Nine months of joy only to be told at the final hurdle, the baby was already dead and would have to be pushed out that way. I was terrified of it all, but not as you say the pain or the process, just being able to get the desired outcome. I had no other experiences to lean back on and even though every single other one of my friends had got to the end of a pregnancy and produced a live baby, I couldn't see how this could possibly happen for me.
    Please know my thoughts are with you every step of the way in these final weeks. If there was anything practical I could do to help you right now, I would.

  10. I FEEL THE SAME WAY! I fee like all my husband and I know is birthing gone wrong. I don't know to expect anything else other than disaster. We were all hoping for the typical birthing experience last time and we were sorely disappointed. People tell me to relax, that my stress is not good for the baby. While I agree with them, I would like to see them go through this pregnancy sanely after what I have been through. My last pregnancy was so wonderful for the most part, I find it hard to enjoy this pregnancy like I did my last one. People say everything will be fine with THIS baby, how do they know? It's not under their control or mine. Know that you are not alone in your feelings. You are almost at the finish line, a lot closer than I am. I can't tell you everything will turn out perfect, but I will tell you that you are in my prayers and I hope you have a birthing experience that is the closest it could be to perfection. You deserve it! Take care of you!

  11. Oh sweetie...(hug)

    So much trauma. (HUG)

    Your going to make it. Your going to make matter what waits for you on the other side. Your going to make it through all of this.
    My heart wants to scream out and touch yours with tell you not to worry. And yet, I understand why you do. So deeply. You can't afford to lose them. Your bank account is dry. But've done an amazing job keeping those beauties within you. You can only move forward into birth...and the blissful stress of parenting. You will do this, and...according to the Chinese zodiac, this is the year of the GOLDEN rabbit. It is supposed to be a very very lucky year sweetie...a beautiful year to be born in, and a peaceful year to live in.

    I'm holding on to this myself as I cradle the little life within me as well. A lucky year. A year of peace. Oh deeply we baby loss moms need a year like that. I'm thinking of you. Every single day. Every. Single. Day.


  12. Well, praying and hoping that your fears be unfounded.


  13. It only makes sense that after all you have been through that you would be scared. I wish there was a way for you to be able to experience the end of your pg, labor and delivery with the innocence and naiviety of most Mothers. That all you would have to worry about was the pain of delivery and figuring out the logisitics of having two beautiful babies to care for. You and your precious snowflakes will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you peace during this time.

  14. My daughter was born with leukemia this past September, and less than three weeks after her birth, as she was getting ready to start chemo. I started reading some of your posts, and I couldn't stop crying and hurting with you because I felt like you put into words, everything I felt and feel. I had to stop though, it's too painful for me right now and I'm trying desperately just to stay afloat sometimes. I think I need to come back to your blog at a later time, when the pain of the loss feels a little less all-consuming and overwhelming for me. I wanted to thank you for sharing your journey though and let you know I will come back to it soon.

  15. Sending hugs. Pregnancy after loss is so hard. xx

  16. Hugs and prayers. Thinking of you and the dear, precious snowflakes.