I woke up from a nap today completely terrified. I wasn't upset when I went to lay down, so why it hit me all at once upon rising is beyond me.
The facts are these:
I NEED these babies to arrive here safely.
I NEED them to be healthy.
I NEED for us to leave the hospital with them, like a normal family.
I NEED these things, but also live on a side of the universe where I know that nothing in this life is a guarantee. I have seen women in this community do everything right for their rainbows and still have things go so terribly wrong and that scares me. Where is the free pass for the bereaved? Where is the token that says, "okay, you have been through enough, now you are ensured a life of pure joy"?
Please don't get me wrong, I really do spend 99% of my time believing that I have reached the "beauty from my pain" point, and try to focus my energies and attention on celebrating the joys and miracles of these snowflakes, but then there is that 1% of the time, those dark moments of self doubt like I had today upon waking, and the fear is just overwhelming.
I think I am * just * so * close * now that it feels like everything - our hopes, dreams, happiness - is on the line. Part of me wants to call the hospital today and say, "They are good right now. Let's c-section them right now!"
I know I am being closely monitored.
I know these babies are showing all the signs that they are growing and thriving and usually I find all the comfort I need in that.