Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Feeling a little robbed.

Here is a short update. I have a lot to say, I am feeling many different emotions right now, but exhaustion is winning in the battle for my attention, so my words might be a little limited.

I am feeling a little robbed.
I'm sorry.
I just am.

Please don't get the wrong idea, the snowflakes are growing beautifully - today's ultrasound has Baby A measuring at an estimated 6 lb 5 oz and B at 5 lb 11 oz - but it confirmed something else too - Baby B has gone breech. 

I know, I know. There are so much bigger things in this world to worry about than the method of delivery of these twins, and even I feel a little silly after all the heartache it has taken to get here, to be admitting how disappointed I feel by this (Lord knows I am so grateful that these snowflakes have continued to thrive and be healthy and grow, grow, grow) but I have always wanted to birth a baby, and it is a chance I see slipping away and that hurts.

People love to tell me how a c-section is "simple." How it's "no big deal." They love to tell me how its "in and out in 40 minutes" and blah blah blah, but I missed Peyton's birth. I was there, in the room, but the drugs, or my reaction to them, had me somewhere else. I was too exhausted. I didn't get to kiss her face, to count her toes. She was whisked from my body, and then from the room, and the experience of birthing her was like being a drugged up spectator to what should have been the biggest moment in my life. 

I have always had these images of how I wanted to birth my children. In my mind, I saw myself pushing them out into this world, then having them placed onto my chest and cleaned off. I envisioned myself crying, and holding them near me, and just the amazing experience of being in that moment, me - hubs- our children - pure joy.

What I got instead with Peyton was a fogged up hour, followed by a nauseating ride down the hall back to my room, a terrible diagnosis, and shivers and vomiting that came so violently post anesthesia that I hardly even saw my daughter's face before she was taken away to another hospital.

There was nothing "simple" about my c-section.
Nothing easy.
Nothing to be desired.

So maybe it sounds ridiculous that this would be so heartbreaking for me, but VBAC was another way to separate this birth experience from that one. It offered the opportunity to be "normal," to do what millions of women have done for millions of years to bring babies into this world. It was a chance at birthing these babies in a completely different way, in a completely different environment, without encountering countless triggers and reminders of all that went so horribly wrong the first time.

VBAC felt like the key to all these things, and I can't help but to feel a little robbed at the realization that my chances at attempting it are slipping away.


  1. You and I were both robbed of "normal" birthing experiences. I will be praying that your birthing experience with the twins is as close to perfect as possible, no matter what method is used. Congrats on the good health of your snowflakes. I am hoping baby B turns itself around in plenty of time for its entrance into the world. <3 Sharon

  2. I wanted a VBAC too with my second. I had an emergency c-section the first time around. They knocked me out with general anesthesia, and I never got to hold or see my first alive. I didn't throw up while I was waiting for the anesthesia wear off, but I shivered alot, and I couldn't move or even communicate.

    The second time around, I wanted a VBAC but I have a narrow pelvis and my OB said if the baby was any bigger than 7 pounds he would get stuck and they'd have to do a c-section even if I tried to do a natural birth. So at my very last NST they estimated him at 8 pounds, I knew I was going to have a c-section. I was disappointed to say the least. But, when I had the c-section, I had a spinal and yes I threw up from it, but I was aware of what was going on. My husband was there, and he video taped the birth, and got to watch the nurses clean and weigh the baby. I didn't get to hold or touch him until I was out of recovery 5 hours later, and yes that sucked.

    My OB told me that since I've had 2 c-sections, the risk of my uterus ruptering if I went into labor is greatly increased, so I'm destined to have a c-section any time I have a baby now. I feel robbed, but if that's what it takes to bring home a live baby I'll do it. Plus, the 2 extra weeks off for maternity was nice- more time to spend with the baby instead of going back to work.


  3. Honey, my first birthing experience ended in an emergency c-section that I had horrors about for years - still do. And I was desperate to VBAC with my second baby. The doctor gave me a choice - try VBAC and give birth to a dead baby, or have another c-section. I don't need to tell you what I chose. Even still I felt robbed - until Phoebe's birth was as good as a c-section can get. I may not have pushed her into this world, but she was on my chest in minutes, and stayed there for hours. After three babies and three (very, very different) caesareans, I would still have loved to have a natural delivery. But I would rather have three healthy, alive babies. And I'm sure you understand that more than anyone. At the end of the day, you made these twins with your body, just as you did Peyton. No one is going to look at you and them, and think - that woman didn't VBAC! They will see a beautiful, clever mummy with two gorgeous babies. And all your babies will see, is you. xxxx

  4. I PRAY.PRAY.PRAY baby turns from breech. I hear your fears, disappointment, emotions etc. There is something important about birthing naturally. That VBAC can be healing. There are some who will allow a VBAC attempt when twin A is head down and B is breech. Sometimes baby B WILL turn during labor. Others are willing to do a VBAC and a CS if baby B is still breech. I really recommend contacting your local ICAN and other twim moms. There may be a ray of hope still....

    Sending continued prayers!

  5. I understand exactly how you feel. My experience birthing my rainbow Gabriel was much the same. I had a c-section with Noah to try to save him the harm that a vaginal birth would undoubtedly bring him. I was even told by both my doctor and a nurse that he probably would not have survived a vaginal delivery and for that I was so very thankful to have delivered him via c/s. But I had such high hopes of being able to deliver Gabriel naturally. Once I got the diagnosis of a complete previa I knew that that option was out of the question. But his delivery was much harder than Noah's and I had horrible reactions to the anesthesia they gave me. His first hours are very much a blur and I barely recall anything of his birth or those first few hours I was in such a fog and sick from the surgery. However, I must add that now that he is here.....honestly.....the way he got here matters so little. It didn't really matter that I don't remember much and was so sick. It only matters that he is here and he is healthy. I am hoping and praying that this too will be your experience. I promise once you have your babies in your arms it just won't matter.

  6. Krissy, to me, there's no such thing as "normal".

    Am I normal? Hell no, but I'm still fabulous.

    What I hope for you is a safe, swift, healthy birth, where you and the babies turn out OK. That's of utmost importance to me. You all mean something to me... and to so many others. So don't feel pressure to have to do things a certain way. There is no right way... Only the gift of "right now".

  7. Take some hope in the fact that not all Csections go the same. My first I was nauseous, threw up, had the chills....the second...none of that.
    Good Luck!

  8. Hello,
    I have been reading your blog for a while now and I would like to offer you a little advice. First there is a website called www.spinningbabies.com that will give you tips on how to try to turn the babies. Now as for giving birth I have had both a C-Section and VBAC'S for my children's birth's. I don't want to give you the *oh my c-section was horrible/my vbac was horrible* talk right now all that matters is how you feel with the snowflakes birth. I personally am all for VBAC's but that is me. The main thing I would suggest is have a talk with your doctor about how important a VBAC is to you. VBAC is a safe option for many women but for some it is not. If it is not for you may I suggest making a C-Section birth plan like maybe you want your husband to announce the snowflakes gender or soft music being played in the OR or skin to skin contact with the babies right after birth *yes, this is an option even with a c-section* I would also like to suggest trying www.ican-online.org

    I will be praying for baby B to turn.


  9. Oh honey, I understand the "feeling robbed" by missing out on a VBAC. I went through that with my second son and his emergent delivery. Hell, I missed the entire birth because I ended up under general anesthesia. Lots of {{{hugs}}} and love my friend. It's ok to be bummed out by this.

  10. While I have never suffered a loss like you did with your sweet Peyton. I did have to have a necessary c-section for my first birth. It was not a good experience from the time I set foot in the hospital until the moment I left and healing was a longer process than I expected. I felt like a failure for not being able to birth my son in the "normal" way. With my daughter I wanted a VBAC. Very badly. Like you I wanted to push her into this world and hold her immeadiately. My docs were supportive. My due date came and I went in for induction. It failed. My body never started labor. Not even with drugs. I never dialated, not 1 cm. I was sent home with my healthy baby still inside me, not in my arms. I was so sad,so heartbroken, so disappointed, so guilt ridden for not being able to do what comes naturally to other women. I was thankful my baby was healthy but was feeling robbed. I knew she was my last baby, if I didn't deliver her vaginally, I never would. 11 days later, I had another c-section. After a much different experience from my first, I held my beautiful daughter moments after she was born (it was a bit awkward but I was so happy!) She was brought back to me as soon as I was in recovery. with my first born, I didn't see him for hours! The joy I felt in holding my beautiful perfect daughter erased all my dissappointment and guilt. I grew her, I did birth her, and I loved her.
    I understand a little tiny bit of how you are feeling and you are allowed to feel that way. I pray that when you hold those beautiful babes in your arms, you will also feel better, and your love for them and your pride at bringing them into this world erasing all disappointment.
    Wishing you a beautiful birth

    PS~ you can make a birth plan for your c-section. Talk to your doctors and make one that will work for you with hopefully fewer triggers and drug interactions.

  11. I'm sorry. I can get this. Really I can. It's hard... I'm so very sorry.

  12. a few things that i thought of when i read your post.
    it's okay to feel like you are being cheated and it's okay to feel those emotions! Nothing wrong with that.
    I nannied for twin boys and the mom had one naturally and a c section for the second (she is my hero after telling me that!) So theoretically it's possible.
    Focus your energy on positive things, picture in your mind baby B turning around. It sounds silly but there is no sense in being negative about it all because all being negative does it get you down. I know it's hard to do but you are such a strong person i know you can.

    you are doing great!!

    ps- if you schedule a c-section you can go in well rested and make sure you get medicine that will keep you present for their birth!

  13. I'm disappointed because you are disappointed. I know that you know that what really matters is that they arrive in your arms safe and sound. However, that doesn't make the disappointment disappear.

    Embrace that emotion. It is neither good or bad. It doesn't mean that you aren't thrilled that those two little babies have grown so beautifully.

    My wish is that your wishes come true!

  14. I know you want to do what is best for the babies and that would be the c-section. I do know how you feel even though my story is so different from yours. I had always wished for a vaginal birth. My pressure was so high that my doctor sent me to the hospital to induce me. I always missed the fact that I couldn't say to my husband "It's time to go." After 16 hours of labor I had a c-section and my daughter 2 1/2 years later was a planned section. I never got to experience a vaginal birth and here it is 30 years later and I still wonder what that would have been like. ((HUGS))

  15. I absolutely understand. While I have birthed the old fashioned way, it was a stillbirth at almost 41 weeks as you know, so not the way you'd ever want to experience it. I was so desperate to birth Angus naturally, but it just didn't work out that way, and some days, despite his ALIVENESS at birth, I am still a little sad about that. I will try again for a natural birth in the future, but deep down I know it is not really important. It is just something I will always long for - to see a live child emerge from my body and be placed on my chest immediately, just as nature intended it.
    I hope you get your dream of a VBAC, but of course more than anything I wish for you and the Snowflakes to be safe and well.

  16. From what I know from other moms of twins, this actually may be the best scenario for delivering them vaginally! Is baby A set to come out first? From what I've been told, a LOT of the time when the first baby comes out, the second baby flips. So if baby B is breech, that's perfect! The baby could very likely flip once baby A is out. Don't be discouraged! There is still hope...and besides, babies can flip in a matter of hours!

  17. I had an emergency C with my first and I was drugged out and exhausted (I had been induced) and it was the worst experience. I had a scheduled C with my second--and it was the most pleasant experience I ever had. I was not drugged out, I was not exhausted, I was part of the process. I hope that you will have the same. :-)

  18. So sorry Kristin :( Never apologize for your feelings. You have every right to feel that way, to desire that experience. I wish you a happy healthy delivery.

  19. I mourned for a year after my c-section with Rachael and still feel cheated 7 years later. Having a healthy baby is the most important thing yes. I mean, honestly, some people act as though a mother has to be convinced of that! But I say it is NOT the ONLY thing.

    I could write a book on this subject.

    Rachael was transverse (laying sideways) so though we tried E V E R Y T H I N G (not kidding here) to get her to turn we knew it was a possibility she would have to be cut out (sorry, still a little bitter and sometimes it shows with my terminology). I am forever glad that I wrote out a birth plan for the possibility. It was a surgical birth but it was still mine. The one thing I did not have to recover from was a sense that I lost control (which it sounds like you experienced with Peyton). Get as absolute much control as you can by writing out a plan for a c-section. I think I might still even have mine from Rachael if you want to see one.

    Praying you get the birth you want!

  20. We all know that at the end of the day you want them here safely. But I 100% understand why you are so upset - and also why you want the natural birth to distance yourself from Peytons birth. I was the same, in my pregnancy after loss - I clung to ANY difference from the pregnancy with my son. I cried when they told me he was another boy because I wanted a girl so desperately because THAT would make it a completely different pregnncy from my tiny man's, and that would mean this baby would live. Grief is an irrational beast.

    Baby can still turn...there is time! In the meantime I would just prepare for the ways that you could make this c-section a nicer experience for you. Have a chat with your dr about it.

    Wishing you a lovely birth of two healthy babies - whichever way they come out!

  21. When I heard Sophia was dead I insisted on still going through labour. 36 hours later she was born and I've always been grateful that I stuck to my guns on it. It was cathartic!
    With tandi I had so hoped to go natural again but with a happy ending this time - the way birth is SUPPOSED to be. I stressed about it for months. I was scared. So scared. I so wanted to go natural, but also wanted her to be safe. In the end simply prayed that she arrived safe and sound. They tried to induce labour for 3 days. Contractions, but no dilation. Finally we gave in to the caesar. Surely I'd have an easy time, right? NOPE! Dud batch of spinal tap (what are the chances??)and so I had to go under general. Believe it or not, when they told me that I actually just laughed. "As long as she is healthy I am now beyond caring" I said.
    An hour later I woke up in recovery to a nurse I didn't recognise telling me Tandia was perfectly healthy - even her breathing was great though she was a month early.
    And then I cried. And you will too. The absolute pure relief of that moment after months and months and months of terror is like nothing you've ever felt before. People kept trying to comfort me and I had to explain that these were HAPPY tears!
    Even though my birth experience was pretty disastrous (from a "normal" non BL perspective) in the end I really couldn't have cared less. When I finally held her - an hour after she was born - and she KNEW me, nothing in the world mattered. She was here and I could breathe again.

  22. o lord, i'm sure this is the last thing you needed to find out, after all your hard work growing these babies. i understanding what you are saying about the importance of making the births different. i haven't had a c-section but my sister is a doula who has supported c-section births and has seen this handled in some wonderful ways. so i just want to chime in with those here who suggested ideas to make this c-section different from the last one. i think the hard thing with any hospital birth is feeling so out of control. i know this is far from your first choice, but if there's anything you can think of to make this one different/better, get hubby and some advocates on board with you. music, seeing their heads as they come out, what hubby's role will be, etc. a plan might help you feel like you are more in control of this birth. rooting for you! xo

  23. I've been following for a while and praying for your family. Although I never got to have a "regular" birth for any of my children, my husband has always cherished the time that he got to be with them after they were born. It gave him the opportunity to have his own story and catch up a little on the months I had them to myself. He shares with them often about when they were born.

  24. Sending prayers your way that no matter how it all works out, this is a much better birth experience for you.

    For what it's worth... I've had a vaginal delivery, and for me it was not the same as the picture-perfect scene that it seems is put on a pedestal by society. There were no complications and he was not a large baby, and yet it was so agonizing and violating, even medicated, that I couldn't focus on the moment at all. I only remember bits and pieces, and was so exhausted and in so much pain when he was born that it just seemed surreal. There was no rush of hormones, and trumpets didn't sound when he arrived. I think my first words to him were "You have a big head." DEFINITELY not how I would have pictured my first moments with my son. But he made it, and I found that my bond with him grew very quickly over time instead.

    Before the birth I had been told over and over how much better it would be to not have a c-section. In the end I think the people who said that just didn't understand and just thought of births like you see in the movies.

    All this to not-very-eloquently say... I think that the idea of a vaginal birth based on what society portrays it as, for a mother who hasn't had one, is different than the reality of one. And I think that makes it harder for women if in the end they have a c-section. What they feel they've missed is this picture-perfect beautiful high and mighty thing. And I think that leads to more grief, which is just unfair to them. You've already had more than your fair share of grief. :(

  25. I had a vaginal birth, so I can't speak to the experience of a c-section, but at the same time, I can tell you that a lot of people idealize the experience of a vaginal birth. that's what we see in movies and on TV, so it's what we picture when thinking about giving birth to our own children. But even a smooth vaginal birth is nothing like TV. That joyous, glowy scene i anticipated just didn't happen. I was exhausted beyond belief, in horrible pain, i pushed for 3 hours and when she was finally born, all I wanted was to be left alone to sleep. I'm not saying any of this to discount your feelings at all--you are absolutely entitled to them--but just please don't idealize a vaginal birth too much.

  26. I had an emergency c-section with a non moving distressed first baby who thankfully survived a uterine cord bleed. She is now nearly 11 years old. Every birthday she's had I've wondered what made me phone the midwife and insist on coming in - I think she just wanted to be here. Your snowflakes want to be here so it will work out. I hope with all my heart that in 11 years time you are thinking 'why did I worry about that?' BTW with my second I had an elective section which was calm, beautiful, with the kindest staff making it the best birth experience in the world.

  27. I can understand how you feel especially because of the outcome of your last C-section. I pray baby B turns around so that you are able to experience a vaginal birth. I will be honest and say a vaginal birth is not easy and I can't imagine it being with 2 however I feel like you in the sense that we are suppose to give birth that way. With Julian my delivery was complicated, he went into distress and wasn't breathing (pushed for over 3 hrs) so I didn't get to have him placed on my chest and well with Sami I didn't get that chance either and still my experiences I pray that little Emma will be a vaginal birth again. I am scared of a c-section because it is major surgery, it's scary! I will continue to pray for you and your babes.
    IF a repeat C-section is needed (hopefully not) just talk to your doctors and tell them what you want this time around. Have a birth plan ready and I am sure they will try to follow it as best as they can. Hang in there, only a few more weeks to go!!!! ((HUGS))

  28. Know how you feel... I had an elective c-s for my first and cried on/off for days because I knew that meant that I may never have a NVD... but now I want to right the wrong of delivering Gabrielle so still by NVD. Fingers crossed that your bub turns in time :) xo

  29. Sending lots of hugs and hoping you get the vbac you want. xx

  30. In my country I don't think any doctor would let you try a VBAC. They recommend c-sections for everyone giving birth within 3 yrs of having had a previous c-section, and generally for mothers aged over 37. Having friends who were disappointed with the c-section experience and having had positive vaginal birth experiences myself I can understand that you feel so disappointed. BUT, after all you've been through - losing Peyton, IVF, bedrest, the key thing is for your little boy and girl to come into the world SAFELY - it is the outcome that counts most of all. Here is a link to my friend's article on the topic of giving birth with some interesting comments, you may enjoy reading it. Meanwhile see if you can be awake for the c-section if you end up having one and ask if they can let you have the babies for a cuddle quickly, my friends were able to with their c-sections. Good luck!! Here is the link to the article:http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/competitive-childbirth-its-mum-upmanship/desc

  31. I am 17 weeks pregnant with my umpteenth pregnancy and, after so much loss and two previous c-sections, I was really REALLY hoping for a VBAC. Just not going to happen, and SO disappointing. Yes, I feel guilty for saying it, but I shouldn't.

    Neither should you. It's how you feel.

    It's one small thing you thought you would at least have some control over, you know?

  32. I will pray~
    There is ALWAYS hope baby will turn!

    You are tired....rest in Gods peace and love.
    Enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy with just you and hubby.....you will not get this time back. Make it wonderful.....rest your worries at the Lords feet!


  33. Hey there...

    I understand your disappointment. I wanted a VBAC after my first experience...and I was lucky to have the rest of my children that way. And even though I think it's a crime that more docs aren't skilled enough to deliver a breech baby (which they SHOULD be...) and I know you wanted to do this the way you see it in your mind...in the end, you know you just want those beauties nursing and thriving in your life for the rest of your life. The birth...make it what you want it to be, no matter HOW you deliver. Ask if you can do local anesthesia instead of the groggy all over stuff. Keep visualizing these babies head down...it can STILL happen that way! And know...always know...that you can do it...no matter what it is.

    As another reader said..."I'm disappointed because YOU are disappointed." I know I would have felt the same if someone told me I wouldn't be allowed to try. I know that recently, I was told that because I had a c section 21 YEARS ago, that this pregnancy wouldn't be allowed to be a vbac if I told the truth about my medical history, even though I've birthed FOUR living children since that c section with out ANY problem. Rules...rules...rules....

    Needless to say, I am NOT telling anyone, with the approval of my midwife, that I've ever had a c-section. It was that, or go without care, which isn't a safe option.

    Also...something comes to mind. There are midwives that know how to turn breech babies with the aid of scarves. Maybe contact a midwife in your area and inquire about that??? It's an amazing process, and I once watched a midwife DO it...it can be done safely...and it's amazing.

    I love you and these snowflakes....All will be well.

  34. Ok, I get it but why can't you try for a VBAC? I work in L and D and we deliver twins all the time vaginal. If A is vertex and twin B is smaller the twin A we birth that second twin vaginal even if is breech. Years ago we did tons of breech births. Twin a would have paved and stretched the path for TWIN B. If Twin B drops a cord are comes down transvers then you would get a C-Birth. Talk to your Doctor? Any one that has a baby even if have had a vaginal birth in past is at rick for a C-Birth. All matter on the baby inside if the baby can tolorate the stress of labor. I think we cut too fast these days. We all want healthy babies. Talk to your Doc and any one else that You can. Good luck and God Bless you with two healthy babies.