Sunday, November 22, 2009

On Pause

Not much to report here... unfortunately.

We are still wishing for the elusive BFP, but stick after stick seem to confirm what the doctors have told us, that bringing another little life into this world will take work, and tests, and medication, and procedures. I will keep praying though, AF is not due for another day or two. We were supposed to meet with the genetic counselor this past week to see if there could have been any hereditary cause for Peyton's cancer, but the appointment was canceled. Apparently the hospital where Peyton spent her life has not yet sent over her medical records, and the appointment was contingent on the counselor having a chance to review our medical histories as well as Peyton's to see if she can spot anything test worthy. This is more than a little frustrating seeing as how the records were requested almost two months ago, and were promised to be sent within thirty days. Our fertility appointment was set to happen after meeting with the genetic counselor, and that too has been canceled... a reschedule contingent on our rescheduled genetic counseling appointment. So we wait, and wait, and wait.

I have talked about this here before many times, about how our life seems to be on pause. Every time we try to take a step forward out of this hole, boulders fall into our path and beat us back. All around us I see families growing. My sister is due to have her third this week. A very close friend who was pregnant with her first at the same time I was, is due to have her second in the new year. Life moves on around us, and all the while we fall farther and farther behind. It's a double edge sword really. I am afraid of not getting pregnant. I am afraid of getting pregnant and losing another baby. I am afraid of never getting through this grief. I am afraid of getting through it and losing Peyton in the process. In babyloss and infertility, there are no simple answers.

Today in church I felt just so overwhelmed. I was thinking about my pregnancy with Peyton, about how sure I felt at the time about my future. I thought of all the plans I used to make, and how all the stars were seemingly aligned before Peyton's birth. We were ready. How could everything have gone so terribly wrong? How could I not have known? I know the questions are useless, but my heart can't stop asking them anyway. How can there exist this huge community of families ripped apart by babyloss, when the nightly news tells of countless children suffering from neglect? How can there be so many couples suffering with the pain and disappointment of infertility, in the same world where countless women line up at clinics seeking solutions for unwanted pregnancies? I have lost many hours of sleep wondering if there is any justice at all in this world.

I just don't understand why the prospect of having a family has to be such a painful one. Hubs and I love each other. We want to share that love with a child. Why does it all have to be so difficult?

I am sorry this post is so blah, and bitchy and down, but that's just how it is sometimes. Truth be told, I had really hoped to be closer to some answers by now, either from the genetic counselor, or from the fertility Doc about our next steps, but it seems life has other plans. So we continue standing still... Waiting. Worrying. Wondering.


  1. Oh I am so very sorry on top of everything you are having to deal with all of this. I too will never understand how some of the most undeserving people take home their babies & some of the most loving & amazing couples are given a lifelong road of grief instead. I am just so sorry & I really cannot find the words to bring you any comfort. If that is even possible.

  2. My heart just breaks and aches for you over and over again. For your loss, for your being lost. I hope you will find peace. I hope you will find your answers. I hope that Peyton will help you find a baby to love up in your arms. You are one tough lady and a wonderful mother.

  3. From A Mothers Love, The hurricane that is infertility on a heart that is already ravaged by storm I am so sorry. I know your story. My husband and I are too on pause. Infertility is a beast and I can only hope for you that your family comes... I will be waiting too and hoping that both of our lives are taken off of pause.

  4. Don't apologise. I can only imagine how frustrating the situation is. I am sending "conception vibes" across the sea to you and I will hope and pray that those in charge of you appointments get their collective acts together! xxxx

  5. I'm right there with you.....just doesn't seem right.

  6. I am so sorry. This post really resonates with me. I have found that since losing Oliver I find great comfort in fighting back when doctors, their offices, and hospitals put up unnecessary roadblocks in my path. It is all I can do and I figure after what we have been through we deserve to be treated better. Sometimes I don't have the energy but Oliver always provides me just enough.

  7. Kristin I too have struggled with the fear of losing Calvin as the grief starts to fade. I don't think it will ever happen. Peyton will always be your daughter, your firstborn, your love just as Calvin will always be my son. No amount of time or healing will remove their memories or the love we have for them. I am finally being able to start letting go of some of the pain. Slowly. I don't want to spend my life in mourning for it will not return my son. I think the foundation in Peyton's name and continuing to honour her memory will keep her alive in your heart forever. You won't lose your baby girl by living your life, by starting to heal. I promise. She is probably smiling down from Heaven and nodding and wishing her mama all the happiness in the world.

    As for your struggles with SI, I too have been there so I understand your fears completely. For some reason though, and I've said it before, I don't think you are meant to be without a child. My heart tells me this. I do have an interesting bit to tell you about childhood cancer if you'd like to email me. You may already have this information but Canadian guidelines are changing for pregnant women because of this...Please, if you wish, contact me at
    Sending you hugs...hope your spirits are better tomorrow.

  8. I wish I had the right words for you, but I just cant seem to find them. Just know that Im thinking and praying for you. *HUGS*

  9. Aways a Mama,

    Your words take my breath away, especially the part about church. Getting out into public places while we were trying to adopt and TTC unsuccessfully w/our surrogate was AGONY.

    I turned to the 'net and hardly left the house so I would not confront families. I wanted to throw up going to the grocery store, Walmart and Target.

    I so understand the pain.

    The gatherings w/kids. The friends and family who are celebrating new pregnancies and kids.

    You know where to turn if you consider the surrogacy route.

    Hugs Always a Mama...

    from the old Mama.

  10. Oh... My heart breaks for you this morning. Thank you for visiting with me today - and for your sweet words of encouragement about my soldier son...
    And yes, we both know that only a mother who has worn our shoes knows how we feel...

    I too lost two babies by miscarriage. Now, my oldest daughter has lost her first. Today she is pregnant again and we are praying. So, I do know that loss.

    However, I cannot even imagine the loss that you have also experienced. I am praying for you now. That the God of all peace and comfort will wrap his loving arms around you - especially during this holiday time.

    But also, I will join with the others around you - to pray for the Giver of Life - to do just that.

    Do not have answers. But I know the One who does - and will be praying with you.

    Sweet Blessings (and prayers) to you

  11. I think that you've been doing a great job of being as patient as you can and making the most of what you have, even if it is painful and annoying. Most people challenged by trivial issues don't attempt to learn and grow and serve from them-- some because they can't, but millions because they simply don't want to.

    Give yourself more credit for who you are becoming and what you are doing for others. Don't allow yourself to fall back. Break through those boulders. You're strong.

  12. Lots of hugs!!! I called weekly to see if Kasey's records had been received. It took them about 3 months...How is that process so hard??? I pray you will be blessed with a healthy baby. I am right there with you with your fears. ((hugs))

  13. You hit that nail on the head. Why does having a family have to be so hard??? I often thought that. Peter and I love each other, have a nice home, have good jobs (well, he does now that I'm a homemaker). Why cant it be easy for people like us when it can be so easy for others who dont even want kids?

    I know God has a plan but it is still hard.

    Praying and hoping for you...