Father Time...

Why must you mock me Father Time?
I know you are no friend of mine.
You rush me from my baby girl,
with each rotation of this world.
And, yet, my future dreams hold still.
No forward movement is fulfilled.
I wonder if you plan the ways,
through seconds, moments, hours, and days
to slow me down on thoughts of grief,
and speed through moments of belief?
That something better is to come,
that this battle can, indeed, be won.
That maybe in some future space,
a genuine smile will claim this face,
as in my arms I hold a child,
whose future has not been defiled.
By Disease. Infection. Despair.
A child whose shot at life is fair.
But until then, I tick away,
day after repeat grueling day,
knowing time since I held her won't slow.
With each tick-tock, more of her will go.
To be lost to the weakness of memory.
I can feel her drifting out from me.
Your cruel visits come with each hour's chime.
How dare they call you "Father" Time?
No man whose loved or held his heir,
could turn his back on this despair.
I beg you, make this cycle cease,
Please speed through pain. Please slow on peace.
~Kristin Binder

Thanks(for)Giving-Mel's 80th Show & Tell

I know my posts have been a little blah lately, the lack of BFP's has had me really down, among other things, but today is Thanksgiving, and so I am gonna change it up a bit and highlight some of the good things in my life.

This Thanksgiving, I am extremely thankful for my good health, my loving husband, my wonderful family, the fact that I have survived this year, and of course the support of great friends both IRL and here in this community. Even during those times where I have fallen deeply into the crevasses of grief, I have felt all your hands of support on me, and for this I feel a depth of gratitude that knows no words.

For the last week I have had something new to feel thankful for too, and it is that which I am going to focus on today for Mel's Show & Tell. Today I am thankful for the outpouring of generosity and encouragement that we have received in regards to our Doing Good In Her Name initiative.

For those of you who don't know, we have set up a new site in Peyton's honor at www.doinggoodinhername.com to assist critically ill infants and their families at Connecticut Children's Medical Center, the hospital where our sweet Peyton spent her life. It has only been a week, and Doing Good In Her Name is off to a great start.

A very close friend was the first to make a donation to our collection. I was floored when she gave us a check for $100 to be used to purchase food and parking vouchers to help the families with sick infants at the hospital. The parking is very costly at Peyton's hospital, and the expense can really add up. I know from experience how appreciated this gift will be. 

Next we received a beautiful batch of items for our CCMC drive from a girl I went to high school with. We haven't seen each other since graduation (*gulp* 12 years), and she reached out to me last week to let me know that she had put some items together for our collection. I was blown away by her generosity. Take a peek at these wonderful things that she donated.

Then, earlier this week, I found two goodies in the Doing Good In Her Name P.O. Box. First was a $20 donation from my cousin. She has really been there for me through this last year, and her generous donation really touched my heart. Then, on the same day, another box came, sent to us by the mother of the woman who donated the above items. She too had heard about what we were doing for the little warriors at CCMC, and wanted to help. Take a look at all of the wonderful things she sent. So many children will benefit from her generosity.

The blessings continued. Today one of my bloggy pals from the U.K. added two wonderful Baby Einstein CD's to the collection. She was so smart, she ordered them from Amazon.com's U.S. site and therefore didn't have to pay overseas shipping, which I thought was just wonderful. I wish I had pictures of the CD's, but I didn't get a chance to take any yet. I will add them as soon as I do.

And then there were all the beautiful messages from so many of you about donations that you are planning to make to honor Peyton's memory. Words cannot express just how much these messages, too, have meant to me.

As members of this babyloss community, I know that you can truly understand just how desperately I need to feel something good come out of all of this grief and loss. Whether your help comes to us through donations, or by simply saying a prayer or sending up good thoughts on behalf of this initiative, from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU. You all are helping us make this dream of helping other little warriors like Peyton a reality.

****

I know how difficult this holiday is going to be for us all, and I am praying for each of you to feel some sense of peace, despite the pain of facing this day without your little angels. Tomorrow I will be thinking of all of you, and of each of your sweet little ones who have become so important to me through your blogs.  I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving.

To see what others are showing and telling, visit Mel's blog here.

If these walls could talk

This is how my day started this morning.


Hubs.  So....
Me. So?
Hubs. So... are you hiding something from me. *big grin* are you hiding the test?
Me. Oh... no. I threw it in the trash.
Hubs. Oh...
Me. It was negative... again.


I wish I hadn't surprised him with the test when I was pregnant with Peyton. 
Just another day in the life...


**By the way, my day got worse when I accidentally posted this on the Doing Good In Her Name site, thinking I was working on this one... I felt like such an idiot. 

Ornament Info

Just  a quick post here. So many of you had commented about the adorable ornament that I had offered for my first blog giveaway, asking if there was any way for you to contact the artist and buy one for yourself. I wasn't sure, since mine was purchased at a local craft fair, but I promised that if I found any contact info I would share it with you. Good news, I got a call today with the following info.

If you would like to order one, send an email to Allison at beadsprout@yahoo.com. My understanding from the woman who provided me with this email is that quantities are fairly limited. I hope this helps.

**I should mention I didn't speak with Allison directly, but instead to the woman who ran the show, so unfortunately I can't make any guarantees about Allison's schedule, turnaround time, availability etc. But I do hope she gets back to you all, and that you are able to get the ornaments.

This Loss

The air, thick with rain, sits heavily on my lungs.
You know the truth though, don't you little one?
It is not the air at all, nor the rain.
It is not the gray skies, nor the clouds that loom foreboding.
It is not the season, nor the date.
The holidays, nor their meaning.
It is this loss.
Whole. Heavy. Unyielding.
It is this loss that makes brief the happiest of moments.
It is this loss that brings tears among strangers in crowds.
It is this loss that makes the simplest of questions difficult to answer.
Do I have any children?
Did I have any children?
I wonder, is she still mine if she is now His?
It is this loss that hangs like a weighted cloak.
It is this loss that places depth in everything.
It is this loss that allows nothing to pass without being assigned symbolism.
It is this loss, and I can't fight it.
There is no solution.
It is bigger than I am.
Stronger.
More determined.
It is this loss, and it is winning.

~Kristin Binder

****
Sad news to report. The little boy, Noah Biorkman, who asked for Christmas cards, passed away this morning. Please join me in praying for strength for his family. It is a testament to the generosity of the human spirit, and should be noted, that this sweet warrior received over 1 million cards in the last few weeks.

On Pause

Not much to report here... unfortunately.

We are still wishing for the elusive BFP, but stick after stick seem to confirm what the doctors have told us, that bringing another little life into this world will take work, and tests, and medication, and procedures. I will keep praying though, AF is not due for another day or two. We were supposed to meet with the genetic counselor this past week to see if there could have been any hereditary cause for Peyton's cancer, but the appointment was canceled. Apparently the hospital where Peyton spent her life has not yet sent over her medical records, and the appointment was contingent on the counselor having a chance to review our medical histories as well as Peyton's to see if she can spot anything test worthy. This is more than a little frustrating seeing as how the records were requested almost two months ago, and were promised to be sent within thirty days. Our fertility appointment was set to happen after meeting with the genetic counselor, and that too has been canceled... a reschedule contingent on our rescheduled genetic counseling appointment. So we wait, and wait, and wait.

I have talked about this here before many times, about how our life seems to be on pause. Every time we try to take a step forward out of this hole, boulders fall into our path and beat us back. All around us I see families growing. My sister is due to have her third this week. A very close friend who was pregnant with her first at the same time I was, is due to have her second in the new year. Life moves on around us, and all the while we fall farther and farther behind. It's a double edge sword really. I am afraid of not getting pregnant. I am afraid of getting pregnant and losing another baby. I am afraid of never getting through this grief. I am afraid of getting through it and losing Peyton in the process. In babyloss and infertility, there are no simple answers.

Today in church I felt just so overwhelmed. I was thinking about my pregnancy with Peyton, about how sure I felt at the time about my future. I thought of all the plans I used to make, and how all the stars were seemingly aligned before Peyton's birth. We were ready. How could everything have gone so terribly wrong? How could I not have known? I know the questions are useless, but my heart can't stop asking them anyway. How can there exist this huge community of families ripped apart by babyloss, when the nightly news tells of countless children suffering from neglect? How can there be so many couples suffering with the pain and disappointment of infertility, in the same world where countless women line up at clinics seeking solutions for unwanted pregnancies? I have lost many hours of sleep wondering if there is any justice at all in this world.

I just don't understand why the prospect of having a family has to be such a painful one. Hubs and I love each other. We want to share that love with a child. Why does it all have to be so difficult?

I am sorry this post is so blah, and bitchy and down, but that's just how it is sometimes. Truth be told, I had really hoped to be closer to some answers by now, either from the genetic counselor, or from the fertility Doc about our next steps, but it seems life has other plans. So we continue standing still... Waiting. Worrying. Wondering.

And The Winner Is...

Jill from

  Footprints On Our Hearts!!!

Low Number 1

High Number 28

Random.org generated the number 10

Jill wrote:

I often find that I stumble across reminders all the time, no matter where I am. I am hoping that I will come to terms with those reminders in time.

Love the angels from the craft fair. How perfect!
Jill
mom to twins in heaven, Emma and Chase

Enjoy the Red Ornament Jill, I am only sorry I don't have two to give away, one for each of your sweet angels. Please email me at doinggoodinhername@gmail.com with your address, and I will drop this ornament in the mail for you next week. To everyone else... thank you so much for sharing your angels with me this week, and for participating.

**I know some of you inquired about the woman who made these, and if they were available for sale. I will contact the K of C that held the craft fair, and see if I can get any info on that. If I can, I will post it for you all. Peace xx

My 1st Blog Giveaway, PTSD, & Mels Show & Tell

I was going to save my first blog giveaway to mark my 100th post, I am somewhere around 85, but  then I found something so precious and timely that I just couldn't keep it to myself. More on that to come later on in this post. Today's Show & Tell is sort of a mish-mosh of things from this past week, bear with me...

First, I really wanted to share these two photographs, sent  to me from Holly, Carleigh's Momma. Holly was spending the day at a beautiful park, and decided to bring our little Peyton, and many of the other babies from this community, along with her. She wrote them each, name by name, remembering and honoring these children among the beauty that nature was surrounding her in. I have seen so many of these pictures on various blogs this week, all gifts from Holly, which really speaks to her caring and kind nature.

 ****

Last weekend my hubs had to work the better part of the day on Saturday, so, in his absence I headed over to a local craft fair. It's a small one, just a few tables in a Knight's of Columbus Hall, but one I have attended each year since we moved here and so I was looking forward to it. I scanned the tables one by one to see if anything spoke to me. My heart just about fell out of my chest when I came to a table of perfectly knitted baby clothes. They were beautiful, and sweet, the likes of which I had spent many months dreaming of dressing Peyton in, and I felt myself get hot and the room spin at the sight of them. IT's funny that way, and by IT I mean PTSD, because I can be in one place where there are baby items, and sort of tune them out, and then be in another, like this craft fair, and feel my chest tightening and my breath becoming labored as the memories flood my mind, and before I know it the room is crashing down around me. I don't know why IT is this way. IT just is.

In my efforts to get away from the adorable sets of booties, pom hats, and the socks that were knitted to look like shoes, I practically tripped over a woman pushing a stroller. Yes, that's the way IT goes sometimes. Do any of you go through this? Do you ever feel like the reminders of what you don't have chase you around in public? Anyway, I hurried to the other end of the room, making my way for the door when I saw her... pink and perfect, swaddled in a blanket that said "Bless This Baby," with a halo above her head, and a set of gold wings off her back. She caught my eye and I couldn't help but reach out to grab her.

"Isn't she precious?" A woman next to me said. "You know I have a friend whose baby just died. Can you believe that still happens? I thought this would be perfect for her."

"Yes, I can." I nodded. "I just lost my daughter. It is perfect."

My response caught her off guard, leaving me in one of those awkward "I just shared too much with a stranger" moments. Not knowing how to respond, the woman offered a sympathetic "oh" and left, but I stayed, looking at her, turning her over and over in my fingers. Hubs and I have talked about setting up a little Peyton Tree each Christmas, and finding an ornament to honor her life each year.  Without a doubt, in this little angel, I had found our 2009 ornament.

This is where my first blog giveaway comes in... FINALLY... I know...

I purchased a second little angel ornament, red, so it could be used to remember a girl or a boy. Here are some pictures. I am sorry they are not clearer, I have been using the cellphone camera and it is not very good.

The note pinned to blanket reads "Bless this Baby"

Okay, so this picture is just awful.

Believe me when I tell you the gold wings are just adorable.

The blurry bit on the bottom is a tag that reads "2009"

If you would like to be entered in this giveaway, please include your angel's name along with your comment to this post. A winner will be chosen using random.org's random number generator and will be announced sometime Friday evening. This giveaway closes Friday at 5:00PM EST

To see what others are showing and telling, visit here.

No Respect

To the man who has twice in the last week allowed his dogs to roam free and treat the cemetery like their personal bathroom... what is wrong with you? Where is your respect? Can't you see the love and care that people have put into these grave sites? Don't you feel the holiness of this ground?

I yelled at your dog. I called after you. You coward, you kept walking in the distance. You pretended that you didn't even hear me.

This isn't a dog park. It's not open space for your personal use. It deserves to be honored for what it is.

This is where you will find the woman whose husband brings flowers after mass every week. Did you know about her, before you let your dog ruin this week's bouquet? It is where the young mother, barely thirty, tragically lays. And home to infant triplets, to veterans, to a female Marine from WWII. This is a sacred place to come and just be, and most importantly to me, it is my daughter's home.

I know you saw me sitting there before you let your dogs loose. I know you saw me talking to her, and even that, the image of a grieving mother over her child's grave wasn't enough to instill understanding in your heart.

Can't you see that your actions have violated the only place in this world, where I can sit near my child? A place whose space allows me to feel her close. Nature that has inspired my thoughts. Ground that has absorbed my countless tears.

Do you even care about the pain that your carelessness has caused me?

Daughter

The sun rises,
cars pass,
bikes move,
people mill around,
shops open and close,
x's mark dates on the calendar,
the world continues turning,
but not for me child, I stand still.
I am in limbo,
walking the line between what was,
and what is.
Between a life imagined,
and that which was realized.
Between youth,
and age.
Between naive happiness,
and the pain of wisdom.
I try to understand.
I try to find answers.
It is a fruitless pursuit.
There are none.
Some call you an angel,
a tragedy,
a spirit,
a terrible thing that happened,
a victim of odds,
in a better place.
They have so many labels for a life cut so short.
I just call you daughter.


~Kristin Binder

The Secret Garden Meeting

Carly, over at The Secret Garden Meeting, has posted my essay "Sea Glass" to her site. Being chosen as The Garden's first guest writer has me feeling honored beyond words. Be sure to head over and check it out.

The Secret Garden Meeting is a wonderful resource for those living in the babyloss community. Each month they pose questions which parents respond to on their own blogs. It is a wonderful way of bringing the community more closely together.

Thanks again Carly for the honor.

Doing Good In Her Name

Because I desperately need

 some good to come out of this loss...

Please check out the site that has been set up to honor Peyton's memory by helping others. I won't be writing on that site the way I do here, this is my outlet, and the content that  gets posted here really wouldn't be appropriate for that site, but it will be updated from time to time, so feel free to follow over there as well. I really need something good to come out of all this. I feel such a strong desire to honor her, to have her name be synonymous with something other than the sadness and the grief.  This idea, well,  I like to think of it is her way of asking us to help out the little friends she has here... the ones who are still fighting the good fight.

www.doinggoodinhername.com

Forever Young - Mels Show & Tell

It has been over a year since Peyton went to rest on her hill, and last week came a truly bittersweet milestone, the laying of her stone.

The old me could never have imagined having to do this. The old me could never have imagined being in a place so unfair and unnatural that I would have to design my child's gravestone. As much as the old me couldn't have imagined it, the task was before us, and as truly painful an obstacle as it was to face, as Peyton's parents, Dru and I were committed to doing it together, and committed to doing it right.

After many, many months of designing, scrutinizing, and redesigning, we finally reached a place where we felt in our hearts that our objective had been accomplished, we had captured Peyton's beautiful spirit in stone.

Today, for show and tell, I share this newest addition to Peyton's Hill with all of you.

 

Here is the full view. For those who cannot see it, the inscription along the bottom reads :  

An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth."

Our baby girl.  This picture doesn't do justice to just how beautiful she looks here.

The engraving really captures her spirit; the sparkle in her eye, and the sweet smile on her face.

In Peyton's honor, we included butterflies on her stone. We have always associated Peyton with butterflies, feeling her spirit in them as they fly all around us. If you look very closely to the top picture, there is even a little butterfly sitting on her name.

We also had them engrave her little hat. This hat was blue with a green pom on top. It is a hat that my mother in law made for her, and also the hat we chose to have her buried in.

I know it was a long time coming, our little girl has waited thirteen months now for her stone, but we feel in looking at it, that it was well worth the wait.

To see what others are showing click here.

A Room Of Her Own

A few weeks back, I was contacted by a fellow babylost momma, Salma, to write an essay for her newest initiative, a shared creative space called A Room Of One's Own.  

Salma, who lost her sweet baby Hussein to stillbirth earlier this year, has created the site to bring women from all walks of life together. The mission statement of the site reads:

"To look at how women creatively navigate through life processes, and find a place of healing, hope, and love of self and community."

I am honored to be this week's featured contributor. Please head on over here to read my submission, as well as to familiarize yourself with this wonderful new site.

The Secret Garden Meeting-October

This month's Secret Garden Meeting poses the following questions.

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

In the beginning the grief was a constant nightmare. For whatever reason, that phase, the phase where each breath is more painful than the last, and just thinking about the next day would bring tears, ceased around eight months. I don't know what the significance of that time was, but I welcomed the way it allowed a little reprieve. Since then, I have remained where I am now, in this stagnant place of frustration, anger, disbelief and exhaustion. I feel totally stuck in the tears and wonder at what could have been. Every once in a while I get this sense like maybe there is some fresh air coming into my life, and then the reality of the situation comes calling again, and I remain chained in place.

There are, of course, breaks in the clouds... moments to get lost in, some that even bring laughter and smiles, but with their highs tend to come fresh lows and I end up smacked back to reality by reminders. My child is gone. They tell me. She is never coming back. Grief can be cruel that way... as much as you might like to, it never allows you to forget. 


It has been thirteen months since Peyton fought her last fight for life in my arms, and I knew at the moment she left that there was no going back to the way life had been. I felt a piece of me die with her. I know that other mothers who have suffered child loss are probably the only ones who can completely understand the depth of meaning in that statement: "I felt a piece of me die." For me, what left was that beautiful, optimistic, naive and hopeful piece. The piece that believed that prayers could bring miracles, and that God would take pity on a defenseless little baby. With my child struggling in my arms, that piece left, and took with it any and all expectations and beliefs that I had placed on the future. It is hard to find peace without that piece.

Often times I find myself in the company of people who tell me they had a sister/friend/cousin/college roommate/acquaintance/co-worker/neighbor etc who went through this type of loss and went on to have 2, 3, 4 healthy children. They were able to find their "happy" again. My greatest hope for the future is to look back on this period with my husband and say,

"Do you remember that, how scared we were, how hopeless it all felt? Look at how far we have come. Look at the joy in our lives. Look at our healthy children. Look at how blessed we are."

In that respect, I guess my hope for the future really is to just be a normal mom.

To visit the Secret Garden and read how other Babylost Mommas have answered this question, please click here.

Angry

I'm Angry...
At God
At fate
At odds
At cancer
At loss
At grieving
At secondary infertility
At myself
At decisions
At not being able to save her
At having to live in a babylost world
At her doctors
At the limits of medicine
At the lack of answers
At Leukemia
At her blood for betraying her
At the lost dreams
At the way my heart can't let go
At the pain
At the sadness
At the relentless questioning
At what this has done to me
At what this has done to my husband
At feeling misunderstood
At isolation from others
At isolating myself
At fears
At memories
At the constant reminders
At all of it
I'm Angry.

Christmas Comes Early This Year

Hi All!

I just learned about a 5 year old boy named Noah Biorkman who is in the last stages of a 2 year battle with Neuroblastoma Cancer. His family is celebrating Christmas next week and Noahs request is to get lots of Christmas cards.

Please let's make this little warrior's wish come true.

Send cards to:

Noah Biorkman

1141 Fountain View Circle

South Lyon, Mi 48178

Lets see how many cards
we can get together for this brave little boy.

Thank You and God Bless.

Please also consider posting this very urgent message to your blogs.

A Beautiful Gift. Mel's 77th Show & Tell

I have been in a sort of weird place these last few days, doing most of my writing in poetry form on various scraps of paper and in my journals, so I haven't been blogging as much as usual. I know I am a little late on posting, but I wanted to still participate in Show and Tell this week.

I was torn between two things that I wanted to share, and have opted to save the second for next week, so today I am going to talk about the beautiful gift that I received in the mail on Monday from Carleigh's Momma, Holly. Holly offered really beautiful giveaways last month in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My gift, and many of the others, were created by My Forever Child. I felt such joy when I received this gift in the mail, and of course, had to go up to the grave to share it with Peyton. While I was there I took these pictures.

Isn't it beautiful? This lovely necklace boasts a pink and blue (the picture just doesn't do it justice) Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Ribbon.

I have been wearing it with my little bootie charm that I was given by my mother in law at Peyton's funeral. This charm has her name engraved on the back.

To see what the rest of the class is sharing, visit here.

Just Wondering...

When will I get my heart back?

A new dawn. An old reality.

A new day has dawned,

and with it a fresh start.

A blank canvas allowing for countless opportunities.

But you, my child.

You lay still below the earth,

as you did yesterday,

and the day before that,

and the year before that.

Thirteen months of mornings have dawned,

three hundred and ninety seven new days.

Where was your fresh start?

Where were your countless opportunities?

A year and a month of sunrises have come and gone,

and not one of them had the power to make this right.

Not one of them could bring you back to me.

~Kristin Binder


*********

For those of you who don't know her, Mel is an incredible woman who does a tremendous amount of good connecting those of us in the Baby Loss, Adoption and Infertility world. Please head over here and offer her some comfort, as she mourns the passing of her grandma... an incredible and spunky woman.

On falling...

Even as they tumble, they are beautiful.

Among sunlight and trees, I bear witness to a mighty gust.

Its power makes holding on an impossibility,

and carelessly casts a thousand leaves simultaneously to earth.

How sad and unfair this must be,

for the fragile leaf, defenseless, forced to the ground.

I imagine a collective defeatist sigh, 

an acknowledgment that this trip downward lies out of their control.

I wonder about them. 

Why do they fight to hold on,

when their greatest moments,

those spent admired in fiery hues, have already passed?

It is hard to sit still as they desperately tumble, to be a bystander to their end.

And yet, even amidst the tragedy of this final phase,

I find myself, eyes open, mouth agape, in awe. 

What exactly is this that I am witnessing?

Perhaps their worth stretches well beyond the wooden limb,

to a place of deeper beauty only made possible by the fall.

In the colors that shimmer against a backdrop of sky.

In the way they place their trust in the wind, 

without knowing where it will lead them.

In the message they teach us all about the fragility of nature.

Or the manner in which they land atop the earth,

leaving a more fertile soil for the new buds of spring.

I watch these leaves, and I find truth.

That life is not defined only by the highest of moments,

by those of assumed purpose and safety from atop a lofty position.

The beauty of life, too, can be found, in those moments that are out of our control.
In those moments we fear most.
In the falling.

~Kristin Binder