Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting August

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
When we first bought our house (a few years before getting pregnant) there was a little room with a lot of sunlight that from the jump we referred to as "the baby's room." There was something really endearing about that room, it was covered in the most godawful floral wallpaper, but we loved its brightness and green rug and it seemed the perfect place (with a little paint of course) to set up for our child. We removed the wallpaper and painted the room a buttercup color, decorating it with a bumble bee theme. We had picked that theme because we decided not to know the sex of our baby (I was sure it was a boy) and thought it could go either way, adding some butterflies to the motif if it was a girl. The furniture we bought was a beautiful mahogany set and I loved those last weeks of pregnancy, sitting in there after carefully washing all of the baby's tiny clothes, and folding and hanging them in that little room.

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
We put the finishing touches on Peyton's bumble bee room a few days before my due date. Actually, Dru put the finishing touches, I watched from the comfort of my rocking chair because it was end of August and I was huge! It was so sweet to see him hanging the shelves, and artwork, and unpacking all of the diapers and baby care items. Even without her home, that room started smelling like a little baby.

If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
When Peyton was alive, we would run into and out of the nursery to get changes of clothes for her to bring back to the hospital. When she died, we closed the door, and with the exception of a few trips into there to cry, the door has remained closed. It was a perfect nursery. It signified the hope that we had, and the happy changes we anticipated. That little room breaks my heart.

Did you pack it all away?
Peyton's room has never been packed away. There are piles of wrapped presents addressed to her, still sitting unopened, that came after her birth, and bags of things from the hospital including her dirty clothes, that sit untouched. This has been a dilemma for me since day one. Peyton's clothes are essentially toxic because they have chemo on them, so they need to be washed, but doing so will wash away the last remaining minty sweet smell of my child, and I have never been able to bring myself to do it. The truth of the matter is that in the last year of going in circles on this issue, the smell has probably been lost. I hate myself for not having done something to preserve it, like put them in ziploc bags at the time.

What is your baby's room now?
A graveyard of memories and hopes that we had for our little girl. The whole house has a bit of this to be honest, the living room has the posters of photos of Peyton that we displayed at the church when she died, and the dining room still has the hundreds of condolensce cards and the funeral book from her service. Nothing feels right. Putting them away feels wrong. Keeping them out feels wrong. I hate that.

If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
If we get pregnant again I do not want to use that nursery as the baby's room. That is Peyton's room. I have thought about this alot, and think that I will not set anything up until the baby has been brought home healthy. Actually I will probably not set anything up until that baby has been home for a while. That little yellow bumble bee room is Peyton's room. That will always be her room. I think if we had another child I would put them into the office, and make the nursery my space to write, because I usually write about her and that is the room where I feel her presence the strongest. Seems silly, I know, to feel someone's presence in a room that they never came home to, but I just do.


  1. Don't feel silly. I think God just gives that to us. There are certain places where I can feel Jenna stronger than others. I can feel her sometimes while I am driving and other times while I am reading. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.

  2. Oh I do not think it is silly at all to feel Peyton's presense in her room. I feel my girls' presense in the room that was to be theirs. That room is where I planned for them to be and thought so many times how I would waking up during the night to go tend to them. It is not silly. I feel like part of me lives in there with them. Thank you for sharing. xx

  3. I agree with the whole thing about not setting up anything until our future babies are home and healthy. I feel like preparing so much may jinx things or regardless, cause so much unwanted anxiety.

    I love the Bumble Bee theme you chose, Peyton's nursery sounds so beautiful.

  4. I hadnt completed Brytons room yet. I had only bought the firefighter theme bedding and accessories. My mom packed all of his things before we came home from the hospital. I havent been able to go threw them yet. Im not sure if that was easier or not. On one hand it was nice not to deal with that but on the other it was like erasing him before I had a chance to say goodbye. Sorry, rambeling. A bumblebee theme sounds just darling!

  5. Kristin just so you know... we were told that the chemo effect on clothing only lasts a short time.. so you don't need to get rid of the clothes... I also know that the clothes my mom has from my sister who passed away 18 years ago still have her smell...
    love and hugs

  6. I like the idea of you keeping that room as is and using it to write in and remember Peyton! I don't think it's silly that you feel her presence in that room. She may have never come home to it, but she spent time in there with you in your belly.

  7. Not silly at all! The Bumblebee room is her's. Thank you so much for sharing here. I wish you peace and comfort-

  8. I am so very sorry for your loss. Peyton is very gorgeous.
    Her room sounds lovely xx

  9. I like how someday you may do your writing in Peyton's room. I understand why you want to keep her clothes she wore. All I have of mine is Ashlyn's hat, which I keep under my pillow. It's as close as I can get to holding her. I am so sorry for your pain.

  10. Peyton is just beautiful. I'm so sorry she is not here with you.

    I remember feeling strongly about Liam's room staying as it was for so long. Then a day came were I felt more sadness and a new heaviness when I would look around his room and I knew something was shifting inside of me. A few months later DH and I agreed that it may be time to pack up our son's room - a heartbreaking thing to do. We also had a family coming to stay at our home for an unknown length of time and they would need a room, so it was then we packed up Liam's room. I found the anticipation of it worse than actually packing everything up. There are a few things of Liam's that remain in a bottom drawer that I still pull out and look at occasionally. I guess this drawer serves as a memory chest as it also holds the cards and other memorial items too.

    Listen to your heart and you will know when it is time to put some of Peytons things away. There is no time line for such a heartbreaking task. I hate that any of us have to go through it at all.

    Thank you for visiting my blog.


  11. I agree with you about Peyton's room. You're such a beautiful woman. I pray your heart heals soon.


  12. I put Carleigh's clothes and her fuzzy pink blanket in ziploc bags to preserve the smell but that only lasted for a short while. When I take them out now I can smell that they were in a plastic bag. Her scent doesn't really linger on them any longer. I was upset when I discovered that b/c I hoped to keep her scent for a long time.

    The bumble bee room will always be hers since it was meant for her. I don't think I could turn it into something else either.

  13. My daughter's room is where I feel closest to her & she also never came home to it. I feel closer in her nursery then even at her grave. Although we cannot explain why I am grateful we have that place. I need that place.

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  15. I nominated you for the Honest Scrap Award! You can stop by my blog for the details.

  16. I love your bumblebee theme, and it's not just because my name means "bee" :). Bees are hardworkers and team players and are, therefore, inspiring little buzzers. People ought to be more like them on this planet, to be honest.

    When you're ready, go ahead with your plan to turn this room into your most productive one. Throw in some butterflies if you want. Maybe turn all those condolence cards into a work of art for your wall. The clothes she wore you can keep forever...

    When my mom passed, I didn't have the strength to hold onto her clothing. Too painful. I donated them to charity. But I did hold onto a little bear that kept her company at the hospital (whenever I wasn't there) and her jewelry.

    Preserve any items you have of Peyton's in a safe, clean space that you can turn to whenever you need to. Part of the reason why I feel that that door remains closed is that it's so hard to face what's in there... especially when it's all right there. It's just hard to face.

    You're not silly-- you're one heck of a strong lady. Do what feels right when it feels right...

  17. "It signified the hope that we had, and the happy changes we anticipated. That little room breaks my heart." You said it mama! But, when you are ready, you will turn that room into a place just as wonderful, as you have done for Peyton.

  18. It sounds like a beautiful room and I'm glad it gives you solace to be in there. I sleep with a little blanket that was tucked into the quilt the nurses wrapped his body in when we were in the hospital room. I slip it into my pillowcase because I know my DH would think I'm being morbid...but I feel better for now knowing that something that cradled his sweet self is near me when he's not. I feel so much better reading that other mothers feel this way about their baby's scent and belongings. (((hugs)))

  19. I don't think that's silly either. If this room brings you comfort and makes you feel connected to Peyton, hell yeah, make it your office.