How do I see or imagine my baby now that I do not have her with me?
With her help.
How fitting that this question should come up after having just written this letter.
Today in church, after receiving the Eucharist, I felt your presence with me so strongly when the other parishioners went up for Communion. The church was filled with the sounds of piano music drifting down from the choir loft. The melody was so dramatic. So moving. Could you hear it too? Were you there? I could see things so clearly, my imagination was so crisp. I felt myself drift off into my thoughts of you, and this "dream" that I was experiencing.
At first I saw you, at maybe five years old. You had on a white dress and your hair was long and brown and clipped up at the sides. There were no tubes. There was no Leukemia. Just a mother and her daughter and their love. You ran with me and we played and laughed and smiled, and though I have never been able to imagine what you would have looked like, today I could see your every feature perfectly. You were just beautiful. I lifted you up in the air and listened as you giggled and called my name. My heart was bursting.
I watched you grow and live and thrive. I saw it all Peyton, your life with me and Daddy. You brought us such happiness. I helped you prepare to be a bride; you beamed with the most beautiful smile across your face. You married a man that made you feel the way Daddy makes me feel, and everything felt at peace and right.
My mind followed our family through the years. I saw myself as a Grandmother. Oh Baby Girl, you were amazing. You had children of your own and you showed them such love and care. You brought so much joy into life for your Daddy and me.
Peyton, it was such a beautiful dream, even if that's all it was. I could see you, feel you, smell you. I saw it all, your life as it should have been; no Cancer, no loss; just your beautiful spirit giving and receiving love, and living out a full life. I felt your presence so close to me in that church pew today, felt such joy in my heart at the thought of you. I know that this experience today was your gift to me; a reprieve. I know you were there with me lifting my soul out of the darkness, even if just for a short while; relieving me of this heavy weight of grief. I know this was you showing me your love. I love you too Baby Girl, more than words can say.