Sunday, August 23, 2009

August 23rd

Peyton,

Today was your due date, a date that, while it did not mark your birth, is one that I will always associate with you. I repeated this date over and over during the months that I carried you, to friends, family and strangers alike. They would ask, "when are you due?" and I would smile and tell them this date and inevitably there was always some small talk about timing and the fact that I was having you at the very end of the summer.

A year ago, life was still "normal". We waited in hopeful anticipation of your arrival, and looked forward to counting your fingers and toes. We sat up at night debating your sex, what names to choose (you were nearly a Finnian or Scarlet), and it was this week last year that we finally set up your nursery. We never could have imagined, a year later, that this house would still only be home to the two of us, or that the room that signified so much hope and happiness, would become a neglected reminder of all that we have lost with you. It is so hard baby girl, knowing what never can be with you. We had hoped for so much for you, you deserved so much more than this world and life offered. None of this will ever make sense to me.

Today Daddy and I spent the day with you on our minds. We went to church, and I tried my best to think of your life and doing something to honor it, rather than flashing back to images of your funeral in that very place. After church Daddy and I came home for a bit, then went to get our hair cut. Our friend was doing a cut-a-thon for charity, and I took this as the boost I needed to take care of my neglected appearance. This was my first hair cut since a few weeks prior to your birth. I think of that, and realize just how backwards my priorities were then. I went to the salon to get my hair cut so that I would look nice in the pictures of us together. The idea of that happy moment not arriving never even crossed my mind. I took for granted that you would be born healthy, that I would have you in my arms in those pictures, and the moment would be a beautiful one full of smiles. I feel so foolish when I think of that now, of how I could have wasted any energy at all on my appearance, when I should have been focusing on every second you were with me. Forgive me baby girl, I had no idea how little time we would have together.

After our haircut we went to visit you at the cemetery. Could you feel us there? There are some days that I swear, I feel so connected to you. Today I hoped for that feeling on our visit, but it didn't come. I miss you so very much, and losing that feeling of connection hurts more than I can write here.

So much has changed since we expected your arrival, so many of the people we love most are welcoming more children into their lives, and we sit still. It is in realizing the changes in the lives of others that the reality of this last year hits, of the way the world still turns even when it feels like it stopped when you left.

These next two weeks leading up to your birthday are the last two weeks where I can say "at this time last year, life was normal." I don't know what these upcoming dates are going to bring for us emotionally, just that it's time for me to realize that there is no more "normal." That life. That innocense. They're never coming back. There is no more "normal" to return to, only life after losing you. Please baby girl, help us to find peace with the loss of what once was, and to find hope in what still may be.

Missing you today and always,

Mommy

20 comments:

  1. I hope that the upcoming dates are gentle on you. I know how it feels to have others moving on with their lives and having babies while you feel like your world has stopped. I'm so sorry!
    xo
    Ashley

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  2. I went through similar thoughts a few weeks back on my due date (I went past mine as well). I too had a pre-baby haircut - of course I wanted to look my best. All seems so stupid and pointless now. I'll shave my head before this new baby is born, I really don't care what I look like. I just want him alive and well. Is that too much to ask.
    Remembering Peyton with you today, and all that should have been. Also mourning your lost innocence.

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  3. I'm so sorry your little one is not in your arms. She is a beautiful little darling---you must miss her painfully. Many blessings to you on this day. Peace...

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  4. Thinking of you...hoping you made it through the day, I know it couldn't have been easy. It is hard to get used to living life, knowing that you are changed forever. Wishing you peace.

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  5. Sending you a warm hug on this difficult day.

    (((hug)))

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  6. I'm so very sorry I can't ease your hurt, I'm so sorry I don't have the words to lift the pain away.

    But I do have.. MY HAND OUT.. and here my friend I ask you to take it, and we'll pray together. Each one raising our voices to the Heavens and knowing Peyton is looking down and Smiling.

    HuGZ

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  7. Sweet Peyton's Mommy, you are never far from my thoughts. I pray that these next few weeks will bring unexpected surprises and blessings for you and your family. You are loved by a fellow mother in VA...


    Erin

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  8. I'm praying very hard for the upcoming days ahead and I'm wishing you peace.

    ((hugs))

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  9. Sorry to realize that a hopeful date has become yet another reminder of what is missing in your lives. Thinking of you.

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  10. I was thinking of you today. I knew it would be a hard day for you. I hope you two got through it okay. I am glad you are able to feel so connected to her the way you describe. It seems like an incredible feeling of hope and it seems like it's a way for you to find peace in the midst of your sorrow.

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  11. I am thinking of you and your husband and Peyton now and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers these next few weeks. I know they will be difficult and have no words to take away the hurt. I wish I could. I can send hugs and hopes that you feel Peyton's light with you.

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  12. I do hope you find some peace in the near future. I am so sorry your beautiful Peyton is not here with you to celebrate her upcoming birthday. Hugs to you.

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  13. Oh, I posted a blog entry for you today :)

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  14. I am so sorry for your painful loss and wish I had something brilliant to say. I'm so sad for you, I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm praying for you and your beautiful Peyton. (((hugs)))

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  15. I hope that the days to come are peaceful and that you manage to find a little bit of hope. I'm sure Peyton will help you.

    Looking back I can see that I had a lot of my priorities wrong too. We couldn't have known. We just couldn't have known how things would turn out for our daughters.

    Remembering Peyton as her birthday approaches.
    xx

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  16. It's awful that life goes on around us, and everything continues as if it was normal, when we don't have our precious children in our arm. Thinking of you.

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  17. Big big hugs today. Even with my loss, I still feel that I never have the words for others. I am so sorry that you have to travel this road at all.

    Your priorities were not backwards(haircut for pictures)...you were grieving and as you said, you never expected not having your baby to hold in your arms. You were doing what many others took and take for granted. And you know what? It is Peyton's day...everyday is her day.

    Hugs from Salma

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  18. I find that the world continuing to go on is just so shocking to me. In the first few days, it was so shocking that people were still doing STUFF. They were still going to work, still updating their facebook preferences, continuing on with their lives. And like you, now that I see friends having babies, that just makes the loss of Lachlan feel even more real. Thinking of you as you make your way through these anniversary dates over the next few weeks.

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  19. I am praying that you both go easy on yourselves. You didn't know that you would be here today. You were preparing to be a mommy. You just wanted to look your best for your little girl. I worried that I didn't have the approiate amount of make-up. It out of pride and love that we do those things even though now they seem vain. You are all in my prayers.

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  20. Thank you for leaving a comment on my blog. It really does mean a lot that you dropped by.

    I'll be thinking of you and your sweet Peyton over these next tough weeks. xxx

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