Sunday, August 16, 2009

I have fallen out of love with Fall

Fall has always been my favorite season. In the past, any hints at Autumn's approach: talk of pre-season football, the return of school buses, a few red leaves on the trees, would each bring a smile to my face and a flurry of excitement to my heart with the promise of visits to pumpkin patches, apple picking, and refreshingly cool days.

I had so many plans for us baby girl. I created so many images in my mind during the pregnancy of what last year, our first Fall as a family, was going to be like. I imagined us walking the paths along the river beneath arbors of changing leaves, and dressing you in the pumpkin costume that still hangs in your closet for your first Halloween. I imagined how wonderfully thankful Daddy and I would feel at Thanksgiving, to be home with our child, starting our new family life together.

You were due August 23rd.
You were born September 4th.
You died October 2nd.

Fall is fast approaching, and instead of flurried excitement, I am feeling so incredibly overwhelmed by these looming dates. At night I wake to panic about how quickly the time since we last held you is passing, and the fact that your gravestone hasn't yet been finished. I hate the fact that three seasons have passed without you, and I still feel unable to get over how surreal it can all feel. I feel trapped on pause, like groundhog's day, playing out the same day over and over.

I miss the simplicity of life before losing you. I miss the excitement that Fall used to bring. I miss all of the dreams that I had for you, and what it was like to expect you would be here. I miss you Peyton.

Fall will never be the same.


  1. You can verify the following with Chris but...

    OK. We talked about you, earlier. As in WAY before I visited your site. And I mentioned that we should kidnap you and Dru and maybe some others and go hiking and apple-picking and doughnut-eating and cider-drinking in the Fall. It's my favorite season, even if it's bittersweet...

    I think our talk was a sign. A big sign. So I say we enjoy a Fall trip together 'cause Fall is really a freakin' awesome season and there's no horrible summer traffic to battle (especially in New Jersey where most drivers suck)!


  2. I am so sorry your sweet Peyton is not here with you to enjoy all the seasons of many, many years. It is so heatbreaking to go on without our precious children here with us. ((HUGS))

  3. I feel the exact same way about Spring. What used to be my favorite season, the time of year of rebirth and life, holds so many emotions. I remember the first time we ventured outside of the hospital after Freja's birth - it had been many days, and the feeling of the warm sun on my face sent me into hysterics.... I wanted so desperately for Freja to experience it too, but I had a sinking feeling that she would never know those little joys. She died two days before my birthday, on Good Friday... On my birthday we got to go choose the spot she would be buried... I am so sad to think of the ice and snow beginning to melt again as winter ends..... and the feelings that will wash over me again...

  4. I was at my son's grave this weekend. There is a small tree there. I started to see its leaves on the ground. Some were red and some were brown. I began to think that another season is coming and he won't be here either. I too have the peapod costume hanging in the closet.

    This is just so unfair.

  5. Oh... my heart is breaking for you this morning. I saw where you had joined my list of "followers" this morning on my blog and came to visit.
    I lost two babies by miscarriage. But I will say that I cannot even imagine the pain that you have. BTW... I absolutely love your picture. What a beautiful little girl- who is waiting for you in heaven.
    Now, my oldest daughter has just lost her first baby... and the roller coaster ride of emotions are still fresh for us both.
    It was good that I could understand and relate to her - but it also brought back the pain. However, we CHOOSE to rejoice through the pain. Only because His Grace is truly Sufficient.
    If you do not already know of Kelly at Sufficient Grace Ministries - please go and visit her blog/ Ministry site. She has a package that she sends out to those who have walked this road... as she has.
    Sweet Blessings to you...
    and I am praying for/with you...

  6. oopppps i forgot to give you the site address


  7. I am so feeling this post...I am so sad for you, but am ever so happy when I see you expressing your feelings in a way that seems to reach out to other moms like myself, but also to Peyton. It's really lovely to be able to connect even in grief.

    The simplicity of life that you speak about is true and so overwhelming at the same time. Like, things that were trivial are now so much more important. A sad and painful reality....but we'll get through it. I know we all will.

  8. I came across your blog today while on the Loss of a Child Facebook page. I thought I was clicking on a poem but it brought me here.

    Our stories are a little different but the outcome was the same. I lost my 6yo son to a terminal illness.

    I read through most of your blog and I am so moved. Your love for Peyton shines through and what you have written really hits home.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Email me anytime

  9. I wish I knew what to say or do to ease the pain. Hugs to you.

  10. Thinking of you and Peyton as you approach these anniversary dates.