Happy Third Birthday Sweet Girl!
Today we celebrate your birth, not as I would like, with candles and a cake and you running around, little curls bouncing, with all your friends, but in the best way that the situation allows. We are stamping the last of the books that came in for the Doing Good In Her Name book drive today, so that they can be dropped off at the NICU this week, and then we will head to your grave with Gramma, Pop-Pop, and your siblings, to put in some pavers around your garden and add some new life to the plantings there.
I wish I could hold you, and sing Happy Birthday, but instead I will close my eyes, and go to that place we once shared, when I held you to my chest, sang "Smile", and drummed a soft tap-tap, tap-tap, tap-tap against your back.
Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking. Where there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. If you smile, through your fear and sorrow. Smile, and maybe tomorrow. You'll see the sun come shining through, if you just smile.
Mommy is tone deaf, but you let her sing anyway. Do you remember?
I so wish you were here little girl. Safe. Healthy. Whole. I wish... I wish... I wish... Just know how loved you are. How missed you are. That regardless of the the space and the time and the universe that keeps us apart you are still my daughter. I am still your mother. Nothing, not even death, can erase that.
Happy Birthday Peyton.
Momma loves you!