Today marks exactly 1 year and 6 months since we said goodbye to our little Peyton. 1 year and 6 months and nothing has ever felt "right" again. They say time heals, but what healing can come to the heart of a mother when her child's death has torn it in a way that is so profound and everlasting?
I find myself wondering... What would she be doing as a nineteen month old? What color would her hair be? Would her personality be outgoing, or shy, or both? Would she look like me at all?
1 year and 6 months have passed without her, and I could write a million sonnets and poems and posts here about how that feels, how deeply the loss of this child has rocked me to the core, or how broken my heart is without her. I could write and write and write, but no words could ever do these feelings justice. Just know little girl that we miss you. A year and a half ago. Today. Always.
Thank you all for your prayers, support, and words of encouragement. Yesterday went pretty well. The procedure was expected to take fifteen to twenty minutes, but they actually had me in a little over an hour. As explained earlier, I had A LOT of follicles, so they had to take their time going through them all and retrieving what they considered to be the best ones.
I learned something new about myself yesterday. As one nurse put it, I am "a hoot" under anesthesia. I have no recollection, but apparently I came out talking about chicken parmigiana, and calling the anesthesiologist and other staff by some pet names. Thank god I am not privy to any classified information, they probably could have gotten anything out of me in that state!
From the time that I came out of the procedure, until now, I have physically felt pretty okay. I am crampy, and a little sore, but all in all, not as bad as I expected. Emotionally is another story. I don't know if it was the HCG shot or what, but I have been feeling really down, which doesn't make sense because we came out of it with some pretty great news - they were able to retrieve fifteen eggs (our understanding is that more than 10 eggs is considered a good cycle.)
We decided to expose them all for fertilization because we were told that on average, half the eggs retrieved will fertilize, and half those fertilized will do so "well." Today, between 1 and 3, we will get the call to let us know how many eggs have become embryos, and how they are doing.
Tonight we start the progesterone shots in my back. I have been a pretty good sport up until now about the injections, but this one has me really scared... any hints out there?
*A LITTLE SIDE NOTE* International Babylost Mothers Day is just around the corner (May 2nd.) Are there any other mommas in the CT/Northeast USA area who are interested in meeting up to spend the day together? If you would like to join us, please shoot me an email at doinggoodinhername(at)gmail(dot)com