Monday, April 26, 2010

Surviving The Thaw


Many of you have written asking about our next steps, and I wish I had more to report, but unfortunately, right now we are in a bit of a holding pattern.

I guess I should be used to this right?

Our next IVF attempt will be at transferring two of the four embryos frozen from last month's cycle. The doctor tells me that approximately 80 percent of frozen embryos thaw successfully, so hopefully this means that at least three (if not all four) of them will survive. 

Our greatest hope, of course, is that this next cycle works and we get pregnant, and then in a few years we go back and transfer the remaining embryos to complete our family. That being said, we are being a little more emotionally cautious this time around, or trying to be at least, because we know all too well the price of getting our hopes up.

The good news is that we have the embryos and can try again. The bad news is that doing a frozen cycle delays us even further. The drugs for this cycle are intended to do the opposite (suppress my cycle) of last month's drugs, and because of that, are on a completely different timeline. I will start taking Lupron on the 21st day of this cycle, and then continue it for 18 days. This unfortunately means that our next shot at a transfer won't be until mid June.


More waiting.

This is the point where I am going to whine for a minute.

Let me just say, for the record, that it really sucks to go from:
"well, no babies for us in 2009, but at least there is 2010." 
"we are infertile so a baby in 2010 is unlikely but possible." 
"our only chance at a baby in 2010 is end of December if this cycle works."
to where we are now:
"if this works, maybe a baby mid 2011." 

It's like the carrot of parenthood that has been dangling in front of our faces the last few years seems to be getting further and further out of view with each step we take towards it, and watching the months and years tick away just adds to the frustration.

I think about how this journey started in 2007, and while I know that trying to control the uncontrollable doesn't do me any good, I am human, and overwhelmed, and it just happens. 

A few people wrote last week (here and in emails to me) that maybe I should get that a baby is not in God's plan for me, or that they believe I can't get pregnant because my grief and inability to get over it has hardened me too much. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and believe that their words are coming from what they feel to be a good and helpful place, but sometimes those comments just feel really unfair and full of blame. 

I wish life was that cut and dry for me, but the reality of my situation is that even if I skipped down the street, handing out balloons and whistling dixie all day, my tubes would still be scarred from bottom to top, and getting pregnant without a great deal of difficulty and medical intervention is just-not-possible.

I understand and respect that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but also think that to say those things when fertility has not been an issue for you, and you have your own children at home to love and mother, just feels awfully judgmental to me. The truth of the matter is that the only thing that separates my situation from that of the person saying these things is a little bit of bad luck. 

As far as wanting to go ahead with trying to get pregnant and have more children, I cannot (and will not) apologize. Why shouldn't I want them? Am I, for some reason, no longer entitled to be a mother because my husband and I were dealt the shitty hands of child loss and infertility? Have these last few painful years, for some reason, negated our right to want what seems to come so easily to others? To want what we envisioned in our life together- a family of our own? Is that the message we should be sending, if you are dealt a tough hand, give up?

Would I be more entitled to have another child if I had moved right on from Peyton? Would that honestly have made me a better mother - forgetting all that she went through, or acting as if she was never born?

Last week, a man learning through a friend of my loss implied that I should count myself lucky that losing Peyton wasn't a true tragedy  like losing a child that I had known for ten or fifteen years would have been.

Excuse me?

Is that when we are expected to start loving our children, only after they have been here ten or fifteen years? Why hold them as infants? Why even bother with their young childhood?

I think this is a sad stigma, and one that is sort of unique to the babylost community, that there is this segment of society who believe that just because our children were here for such a short time we should get over them more easily, or feel that their lives were somehow less significant just because they were cut so short. 

I know that this is only my opinion, but it is my belief that whether an embryo, a fetus, an infant, a child, a teenager, an adult, or a senior citizen, these are all stages of human life, and no stage is any more or any less important or deserving of respect than the next. I didn't love Peyton less at 28 days, than I would have at 29 days, and I don't count myself lucky that at least I lost her so young as others have implied that I should, nor will I ever get over her just because she was little, and weak, and dealt a lousy hand at only having a month here on earth with us.

Peyton was my child, and is my child, and loving, mothering, and missing her immensely, is not something I will ever apologize for, not in real life, and certainly not here, and if that makes someone uncomfortable - tough.

There is no way for me to know what the future holds in terms of our family building. I don't know if this next round of IVF will be a success, or the round after that. I don't know if we will adopt, or have children, or both. Very few answers have been easy to come by these last few years, but what I do know is that my daughter is gone and I miss her like hell and grieve her everyday and none of that makes me any less deserving of being a mother again, even though my grief takes me there sometimes.

Since September 3rd, 2008, Hubs and I have been sort of frozen in time, stuck on pause just crying out to press play and move forward. We want to do what we set out to do when we left for the hospital that day. We want to do what we expected we would do - to come home with a baby, to start our family life, and watch our children grow.

Peyton's passing, and our subsequent battle with infertility, have spun us around. We have been cooled to the core and left to sit and wait on the rack, and while there are days when seeing other couples moving on and creating families with ease may make it seem that this frozen place is forever, we have to remind ourselves that anything is possible. We have to believe that we, like our little embryos, will survive the thaw, and once we have, something beautiful will be born.


  1. AMEEEEEEEEEN! You are strong and courageous! Never stop fighting for what you want. I pray for you and your future babies often, because I know God is going to bless you with your heart's desire.

  2. I can't understand anyone judging you for wanting to be a mother again or for grieving the loss of precious Peyton. What on earth is the point? What do they get from it? *sigh*

    I have hope for you guys. Wishes, dreams and hopes of good things to come.


  3. I can't believe people are saying such cold, cruel, and callous things to you. {{{Hugs}}}

  4. wow I cant believe someone told you that its better than losing an older child. my gosh. I would have said the following:

    "yes you are right, its not the same as losing a child you have had time to bond with over the years. I will never know the color of her eyes, I will never know if she had wavy hair like me, I would never know what her voice sounds like, or what her favorite color would be, or if she liked dogs or cats, I wouldnt know what her favorite food was or her favorite toy or if she liked the rain or not. I would not get to know a thing about my child. I feel its much worse to lose a child before you ever get to know them. Yes I was robbed of everything...not like parents of an older child who actually had time with their child."

    (not that one is better than the other...they are both tragic but to respond to such an outrageous comment I would say that)

  5. Wow, some people are just - -wow.
    The man who said that comment is a jackass; stupid comment by a stupid person and I am sorry he said it to you and was hurtful. Unfortunately some people do believe it is better to end a life at the beginning or end, rather than in the middle. (In no way to I agree with this - a life lost is sad and tragic no matter what age/time). You explained it perfectly, and I hope you said something like that to him.
    I am really tired of people talking about God's one knows what they are and people should just stop with that non-sense. It's just hurtful to hear that God would intend to keep something so important from happening to you. (and that's just as a reader, I am sure it is even more hurtful for you).
    Look, the bottom line here is you lost your daughter, you are the one dealing with infertility and who the hell is anyone else to tell you how to grieve/handle it?
    The things you want are not selfish or completely out of the scope of normal. These things SHOULD happen for you - you DO deserve them, and I am so sorry they are/did not happen or happening. I am sorry that you are you are in this holding pattern - it must be incredibly frustrating and heart breaking.
    I thank you for sharing your thoughts/story it is incredibly kind, courageous and thoughtful.

  6. I am really tired of peoples' judgments of you and your coping mechanisms and what they think would help your fertility or not help your fertility. It's maddening. I am sure they mean well, but it ends up just adding more hurt on top of existing hurt.

    You have loved and lost several children already. If there is anything I have learned, is that failure at IVF is also a loss. Maybe not "worse" than another loss, because I don't think it's fair to compare, but I do think loss on top of loss just sucks.

    Infertility and waiting for another cycle really sucks...

  7. I've been reading your blog for about a month now, i found it from leah's blog. I've never commented but really felt the need to b/c i hate that people can say such ugly things to you after everything you've been going through! it amazes me how some people try to compare that their grief is worse or more important than someone elses. i've never lost a child or had to go through infertility but as a mother i know that from the moment you know you're pregnant the love for that baby is instant, and only grows and grows with each day! i know you said a man was the one who made that one comment and they just don't understand how a mother forms a bond with their child not just at birth but those entire 9 months you are pregnant and it doesn't make it "easier" that she was here for a short time!!! i've been praying that your IVF treatments will work, some people can say so quickly you can just adopt but why not try? every woman, especially if this is what they badly want deserves the right to carry and have their own child! Praying for you....and those people b/c you know what they are the ones who need prayer too....that they can be more compassionate to others!
    And by the way Peyton is absolutley beautiful!

  8. "The truth of the matter is that the only thing that separates my situation from that of the person saying these things is a little bit of bad luck."


    I've heard from mothers who have lost babies that the hurt is deepened because they didn't get to watch their babies grow, like someone who lost a child after 20 years.

    It all just SUCKS.

  9. p.s. your children are going to have AWESOME music taste. i've ripped more music off of your blog than i care to admit.

  10. Seriously, I cannot even believe that people have the nerve to say those things. NO MATTER what I may FEEL or THINK, I wonder, before saying anything, "What will be achieved here? What is my purpose in what I am about to say?"

    And telling you that you aren't entitled to want more children, or that "at least" you didn't lose them older so you know what you were missing, or that because you want it so much you'll get it or because you want it so much you WON'T get it or anything else that takes authority is JUST. NOT. HELPFUL!

    We don't know. I'd LOVE to believe that you will be given your heart's desires. Me too. I know most people would love to think that for us, but they simply can't know. So we just go through, each day, hoping and praying and maintaining what faith that we can that we WILL survive. One way or the other.

    In the meantime, please know you are being lifted, and encouraged and there are so many hopes for these frozen embryos. The good news is that the protocol for a frozen cycle is WAY easier than fresh...and two blast transfers have great pregnancy rates.

    I think the way you are handling some of the comments that I'd really want to shoot my mouth off on is very graceful and honorable.
    Continuing to pray for you and miracles in your future.

    (I have to add, though, I am honestly at the point where if someone were to say something like, "At least... (fill in the one should say At least ANYTHING!),) I'd probably have to respond, "Really? I'm going to leave now so you can take a second and think about how that comment has to make me feel. And then hope you realize it makes me feel awful and you never tell someone something like that again."

  11. i'm glad there is a place out there where moms like us won't be judged by people that have never walked a day in our shoes. june seems so far away, but i'm not going anywhere. i'll take each step with you.

    peace and strength to you in these coming months.

  12. "I know that this is only my opinion, but it is my belief that whether an embryo, a fetus, an infant, a child, a teenager, an adult, or a senior citizen, these are all stages of human life, and no stage is any more or any less important or deserving of respect than the next. I didn't love Peyton less at 28 days, than I would have at 29 days..."

    I know that nothing I can say can take the hurt that you are feeling away. But I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one who feels this way. Every life is precious, every life deserves respect. Whether that life ends shortly after conception, 20 weeks later, 40 weeks later, a month after birth, or years after birth.

    Peyton was precious, and she is so lucky to have a mother like you to love her.

    Wishing you strength and healing as you continue on your journey.


  13. Oh my dear. I can't believe people would say such hurtful and ill thought out things. I don't think that there is a 'better' way to lose a child, be it 3 days, 3 months, 3 years or 30 years.

    Peyton was your daughter and she is no more or less your daughter because of the length of her life. A short life is still an entire life. You should never, ever have to apologize for loving her, I can't believe that people would say things to make you feel that way.

    Hoping for the thaw. xo

  14. Kristin, how can people dare tell you those things?! That upsets me for you. You grieve Peyton because you were never supposed to live without her. It would be unnatural NOT to grieve!! I am sorry you are on a wait until June, I just wish I could say something to make you feel better. Sending you *HUGE* hugs! and best wishes for the next transfer. XOXO

  15. Screw the people that have negative shit to say. Those people are the ones who have no idea what the world of infant and baby loss is like, yet they feel that it is appropriate to pass judgment or dictate how we should proceed through our grief or in carrying on with our lives. I agree that it is different than losing a child at 5, 10, 15 or 20 years of age - but it is certainly no less painful and no less life changing.

    As far as people throwing God's plan out for consideration with regard to your fertility difficulties...again...I don't really have anything positive to say about those theories. I cannot speak from experience - I can only base my feelings on the things that you have written, as well as trying to put myself in your shoes. I honestly think, that in a similar situation, I would elect to follow the same route that you have followed thus far. God may always "have a plan", but there is ALWAYS a Plan B or other alternate plan.

    Your story has touched me deeply, and I often think of what you and your hubby are enduring. I hope and pray that round 2 has a more successful outcome and that you will have a beautiful and healthy bundle of joy within the next year. Until that time I hope that you are able to draw encouragement and positive energy from the supportive people around you, and that others think carefully and consider your feelings before they speak.

    Sending you hugs and warm fuzzies....

  16. First of all I want to say sorry that people are leaving you such hurtful comments. I really think people are not feeling what your going through and have been through with your beautiful Peyton. But I do feel your hurt how it's just not fair for you not to be able to have what you desire so much. No one should be passing judgement on you for wanting to be a mother again. As for the comment of just not in god's plan for you is totally ridiculous. God did send you a beautiful angel and for some reason called her home again, I know it was not fair to have her torn from you. And whether if it was for a month, a week , a day it was still life and it started when you carried her inside you. I can't sit here and tell you that everything will be ok because I am not in your shoes and waiting is something you have to do and just hate it. I can however continue to listen and read your blog because you choose to share your life experience with us and I take that to heart. So hold your head up and know you have a friend that even If I have not met you, respects your decisions in your life.

  17. I am with you my friend..... Right there... my life is running the same path... we too went from loosing our first born.... to infertility.... to that not working.... to trying again later this year... I'm on schedule for July... so maybe together the heat of the summer months will help us "thaw". I really do understand each and every word. I'll stand beside you and just be your friend.

  18. I'm glad these folks have such intimate knowledge of God's plan. You'd think they'd find something better to do with this wisdom than use it to hurt a grieving mother's feelings.

    You're not too hardened. You're ready for your turn. Hope we're counting the days until your next baby arrives next year this time.

  19. I think losing a little helpless baby would be the worst thing in the world. I can see why you want to do everything possible to have another baby. Give it all you have, know you did everything you could, and see where life takes you. Many people have never been able to conceive a child, but they find happiness in life. It's just a different route. You will find your way - it's just not known right now what that way is. Best of luck -


  20. I don't believe that one stage of life is worth more grieving or has more pain either. I'm sorry that the cycle didn't work. I am really hoping for you this next time!

  21. how on earth do people know what gods plan is for you!!!! do they know what my plan is? please tell me so i can have the benefit of this amazing channeling they are doing with god !!! and as for the other stupid ignorant dumbass ( excuse my french) who thinks they know everything on age related grief !!!!!!! puleease !!! get into reality , haven't they ever read anything on child loss and what not to say to a grieving mother, can people really be so stupid as to say something hurtful to someone who is already hurting so much, is their intention to make you cry more!!! sorry, someone actually told me that it was for the best that my son died!!!!!! and then asked me to confirm that! idiots....all of them !!! i assume that they are all the type of person who never says the right thing and goes through life offending one person after the other. LONELY. i'm sorry you have to wait so long for your next cycle. i have my next appointment on the 4th may to start again with my frozen embies. not sure what the process is this time s its my first attempt with them. loads of love and hugs, don't let the idiots get to you, you are great xxx anne

  22. Although I haven't been commenting, I read your posts via google reader and I know you're going thru a very hard time. I've no answers but I do believe something good will happen in time. Just hang on there.

    Hugs and prayers as always.

  23. Hi Kristin,

    I read your words and they paint a clear picture of your struggle, the echo my own struggles and then explain the struggle of infertility which I don't know first hand. I have thought about you so much, I lost one daughter and I have a one month old. I have thought of you so much during this month, because i realize what you lived is so far beyond my imagination, even if I did lose a child during labor after 40 weeks of pregnancy, losing a one month old is not only the loss of dreams, it is the loss of all those tiny moments you had with Peyton. The smiles for no reason, the expressions, the endless moments of beauty(even in the NICU) that you had with her, the ugliness that was her disease. I came here often during my pregnancy because all I knew was grief, now I come and I must admit that seeing her picture hurts in a different way than before. I realize that soul is gone with a much deeper appreciation, because I now know the possibility of losing my month old and it is simply an unbearable thought, then I think of you, and I realize that that is your reality. So from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry, sorry for every day, every hour, every minute that you lose her all over again. I'm sorry that your have had such bad luck, I wish I could say everything will be okay, but I can't, that is an empty promise, what I will say is "I love the mother you are, I respect the mother that you are, and you will always be a mother, mother to a perfect creature whom is missed and remembered"
    As far as what people say, I have learned one thing in my grief and in my road to healing, words are empty unless they have experience behind them. When I commented here before and I said I was sorry, I was, but I am more now, why? Because I know what you lost, I only imagine the pain but now I can imagine it and I realize how real it was, how real it is.

    So, I will hope for you, wish for you and when you tell us you are pregnant, I will celebrate with you and mourn for Peyton all over again.

    Much love to you...

  24. I am a mother with a daughter dealing with infertility after a miscarriage. I am on totally your side, and even if I rarely comment, I read every blog and keep you in my prayers throughout the day. Praying that time goes quickly for you and that June brings happy results.

  25. "Last week, a man learning through a friend of my loss implied that I should count myself lucky that losing Peyton wasn't a true tragedy like losing a child that I had known for ten or fifteen years would have been."

    That man, like other men, has also never been pregnant. He's never glowed like a pregnant woman, he's never happily anticipated a child from his womb, he's never gone through the ups and downs of pregnancy and motherhood, he's never, himself, given birth to a child. And he sure as hell has never had the fruit of his womb torn from him by illness.

    Yes, there is loads of pain in losing a loved one we've been connected to for 10 or 20 years. Or, in my case, 22 years (the length of time I knew and loved my brother).

    However, I don't quite understand when grief became competitive, to the point in which we actually compare our grief to that of others.

    "My grief is bigger than your grief". Really?

    I've never been pregnant, I'm not a mother, and still I'd never compare my grief with yours. It just doesn't seem right.

  26. Hi Kristin

    I've realised that people cannot help but try to solve the situation when it comes to someone else's sadness. And so they say silly and painful things, they imply that your pain isn't real or deserved.

    Just the other day, a lifelong, kind and caring friend of mine, one who is a huge pillar of support and who I love dearly, suggested to me that I should adopt in order to fall pregnant. It is one of the most ignorant things a person can say, I stared in disbelief as the words left her mouth.

    I don't have an answer for it, but I do understand that even the most scathing of comments usually come from a place of trying to help. Every time it happens, I try to remind myself of that in order to prevent me from saying something really nasty in return.

    One thing I have learned on this journey, the positive thing that has come from it, is how to be truly compassionate, how to listen to someone's pain without trying to fix it, or have an answer.

    I really hope the FET works, and will be eagerly watching your updates along the way.


  27. Boy, dont let me get started on what God intended for us. If you had cancer would you just sit back and tell everyone that you are not getting treatment because its God's plan that you have cancer? NO! You have been diagnosed with infertility and you are trying everything you can to get treatment for it. You want a child, dont let anyone make that into a something its not.

  28. I am so sorry that you had to hear those things people either said or wrote. It stabbed me through the heart just reading that you had to hear that. We are mothers and we deserve to be mothers to living children as well. I have thought about whether or not I am 'meant' to be a mom to living children and I absolutely think I am. I think you are. I have a hard time when people ask me why I am not pregnant yet or when am I going to have another baby. I wish it were that simple and I could just have another baby and get pregnant like many others can. For us though, it is a little bit harder and we suffer from infertility. It is hard to go through what we do and it is unfortunate that people judge us for it. Sending lots of love your way!! xx

  29. I am so sorry people feel and say such nasty things. We've had our share of nasty, similar comments and they get under my skin, even when they arent directed at me.

    I'm so sorry... I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make people "get it" or, better yet, make it so that there is nothing to "get" because we never have child/baby/infant/pregnancy loss.

  30. It infuriates me that people say such negative things to you. That basically means that every child that has passed, whether shortly after conception, a few weeks, a few days after birth, or months after don't really "count" because they weren't here long? NOOOOOOOOOO. That just isn't true. And I will forever mourn my son, without one ounce of apology or guilt. And I pray that you and other BabyLost mothers do the same! People who say things like that have no clue, whatsoever. Although I truly believe that any loss is horrific, I have to admit that I do find myself a touch jealous of the ones who had their baby longer. They got to build memories, watch them grow, hear them cry, the list could go on and on. But to say that it is worse? No, neither is worse than the other. People should be lifting us up, not tearing us down. Shame on those who don't think before they speak!
    I am praying for you, every day.

  31. Okay, so those people who say "just be glad that she died so young" obviously are stupid. Do these people even have children? I would mourn the loss of any child I had no matter how old they were when they passed. Wow! I am amazed at how dumb people really are.

    I can't believe people tell you that maybe the Lord doesn't intend for you to be a mother. Do they know the mind of God for others? You never know what the Lord has in mind. And being a mother is a righteous desire. Keep your desire!

    And just a word of encouragement. I have been told that it usually takes a couple of cycles of IVF for to "stick". I am hoping that this next cycle is the one. And at least you don't have to go through OHS this time. :)

  32. Hello! I wanted you to know I've given you a blog award! :) Come to my blog to see :)

  33. I know what you mean about someone saying well you're lucky you lost her sooner rather than later. I have heard that exact same thing to me. Our daughter Krystal Dawn was born on 9/17/1994 and died on 9/21/1994. She may have lived a couple of days but she was my daughter.. I was and am her mother and I would have done anything to save her life... Some people feel they are giving comfort when in reality you just want to punch them... I conceived via clomid and I got pregnant again only to lose the pregnancy at 3 months... afterward I had kidney failure - for whatever reason pregnancy was bad for my body... We do have two children - both adopted from birth and they are my world...
    I hope your dreams come true and you are blessed with a child to love...

    Love to you

  34. I agree with it all. I don't think losing a child earlier makes it any less of a loss. And its insensitive of someone to say that or ignorant really. Anyone who has lost a child KNOWS that no matter how much time we had with our children, its never enough. I am praying for your family as always. I don't think just because you have had more obstacles than some in trying to conceive that should mean you should stop. I think if you want to do this you should. And I wish you nothing but the best.

    love and prayers

  35. I just found your blog and I just want you to know I am praying for you. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Oh she was so beautiful, and I know your heart must ache for her.

    I am praying that you will be blessed during this IVF and you will find out very soon that you are pregnant again. Hang onto that HOPE and may you find a peace and rest that you have never known during this waiting time. Blessings to you!

  36. I can not get past that someone said such a ridiculous and clueless thing to you. The pain is NOT less because they were here for a shorter time than anyone else. That is bollocks.

  37. A lot of time when people say stupid or hurtful things, I try to calm myself by saying, "It's coming from a good place....they are trying to comfort but just don't know glad they don't know what it feels like..." but honestly-when I read these stories about what people say I want to KICK THEM.
    I am just so angry and embarassed that people would say things like that to you.
    This battle that youre fighting-it's the toughest there is (in my opinion). You are doing the very best you can and sharing it with all of us which is tough in and of itself.
    Please know that you are loved. That we are rooting for you. That we can't WAIT to see you through this-even though it will never ever be the same without your absolutely gorgeous girl. I know that it doesn't help much at this point, but hopefully a little :)
    Much love

  38. Sweetheart, don't ever appologize for your feelings. You do things the way YOU need to, the others can be damned. They have no idea of the journey you've traveled, they are ignorant. You are a wonderful person, a loving person, a giving person. You are a mother and always will be. And you will be again. I can only imagine the agonizing wait, but when your miracle is in your arms, all of this will melt away. You deserve, you are worth it, don't ever forget that. You NEVER have to worry about what others think, just let it roll off your back. As soon as you a negative word, hit delete. Don't even waste your prescious energy reading further. I love you sweets and am here for you in any way you need me. You will be a mother to a live, healthy, happy baby. Don't give up hope. :) (((((HUGS)))))

  39. I just found your blog.

    I am sorry about your sweet daughter Peyton. I wish that people would learn to stop and not speak. My husband is a cancer survivor (we are going on four years) and I've heard many things that I wish people would just refrain from stating.

    I will be praying for you..


  40. You never, for one solitary second, need to justify to ANYONE your desire for another son or daughter. NEVER EVER.

    I was dx with "unexplained secondary infertility" after the loss of my first baby. IF on top of loss is just so terrible and unfair. I dealt with lots of craptastic comments like "maybe your body just isn't meant to have a baby" and "it just isn't your time" and blah blah blah. And guess what? Not ONE of the people who felt the need to tell me that maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom had been through loss or infertility. Imagine that (dripping in sarcasm obviously). It is pretty easy to judge from afar with your 2.5 kids and white picket fence. Don't get me wrong - I know we all fight battles - but I have learned a lot in the past several years about not making assumptions and moral judgements about things I haven't experienced.

    I found this blog through my friend Lori (Lori Does Maryland). Your daughter was the most precious little baby. An angel. The picture on your front page makes me teary eyed - what a face!

    I hope your FET goes well, that your blasts thaw beautifully and that you are pregnant soon. I know what it is like to count months and years dealing with infertility. My IVF daughter was finally born nearly two years after I lost my first baby. And while the journey was long, hard, and something I would rather forget - the ending has been happy. I hope you have a very happy ending too.

    I will keep reading and praying for you.

  41. Oh my gosh!!! I am utterly shocked and hurt for your part that anyone could hear of the tragic passing of you beautiful innocent child and think that its somehow easier to cope with because she past on so young. How utterly insensitive, stupid and thoughtless some people can be.
    I battled through 7 miscarriages and while this is in no way comparrable to what you have been through, from my own experience I should not be shocked by the ignorant and hurtful things that people have said.
    I'm so sorry!

  42. Oh kristin, people are just ignorant, insincere, and just plain rude.. there are so many of us out here that just want you to have children to hold on keep..I am not sure why some people just have it so easy and never have to bat an eye. the 2.5 kids, the happy pastel home etc etc.. I have noticed that these people are the most critical and say the most awful things.. and I want to say "how the hell would you know about any of this?!" How is it easier to bury my baby instead of my son? Its easier because I loved her less?? stupid freaking people..anyhow..I'm still thinking and sending good thoughts your way!! ((HUGS))