Monday, April 19, 2010

Oh God...

Since last Thursday's test, I have been on this recurring loop of angry, bitter, accepting, hopeless, hopeful, and back to start at angry again. What can I say? I am all of these things. I feel gypped, cheated, and screwed. I want to wave my fists at the air, and shout how unfair this all feels. Was it so out of the realm of possibility to believe that God might, just this once, cut us a break?

This post is not meant to bash anyone's religious beliefs. My feelings are actually just the opposite. I am jealous - genuinely jealous, of people who can claim that "in faith He afflicted me," and find comfort, rather than fear, in that relationship with God. That being said, I welcome any comments, religious or otherwise, to what I have written here.

People love to tell me that if God intends for me to have a baby, then I will. What am I supposed to do with that? I am infertile because a doctor didn't take the time to prescribe me some antibiotics when she checked me out of the hospital right after a c-section. Did God intend that she would be neglectful? Does God intend for child abusers and drug addicts to have babies? Did God intend for the woman on last night's news to go drunk driving with her child in the backseat, or that so many children in this world should be born into situations that offer them no real chance at life - war, poverty, disease? 

When I was 17, I walked away from the church. I was a teenager and felt disconnected and just didn't see the point. At 22, and completely out of nowhere, I felt called back. This is a piece of the puzzle that makes no sense to me. How, after finding my way back, could God choose to test me in such a way?  I don't know why I am pouring this all out here today. Maybe because I just don't get it. I don't get why a God who I so loved, a God that I put my faith in, would test me over and over these past few years. The exercise was meaningless, and I know that I have failed. 

I am not a better person, Christian, friend, wife, daughter, or sister because of this. What was left of me after Peyton died, is being beaten and battered by the intense sense of failure, injustice, and anger that comes with this infertility. Am I really to believe that it was God's intention that I not only lose my child, but my fertility to a doctor's oversight as well?

To say my relationship with my faith is strained right now, is an incredible understatement. For the last two weeks I haven't even attended services, something that I have felt drawn to do weekly over the last 8 years. I can't go there right now. I don't know why or what this means, just that right now, I can't.

I guess maybe I am tired of feeling so abandoned by Him. Words in the poem "Footprints" that used to mean so much to me: "During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." now feel vacant and untrue. 

Not once in the last 19 months have I felt His comfort or compassion carrying me through this loss. My feet don't feel capable of crossing the sand, but instead stand still, stuck, sinking lower and lower with every attempt at righting the wrongs of these last few years. Try to have another baby - sink deeper. Learn of infertility - sink deeper. Attempt IVF and fail - sink deeper. It is like I am trying to claw my way out of this hole, and with every handful of sand that I throw from the hole, a shovel full comes raining down over me, holding me in place.

For those who talk to me about God's intentions, is this, too, God's will? Am I to believe that the God who I loved so deeply would be standing above, loading his shovel against me? 

There was a beautiful sense of security that used to come from my close relationship with God, but it is gone now. That was before. Before I watched the unthinkable happen. Before I witnessed the most innocent being that I had ever encountered, endure pain on top of pain on top of pain with no respite. I begged God to heal Peyton, and He did not. I begged Him to take her peacefully, and relieve her of her pain, and He did not. I begged, and I pleaded, and I cried, and my prayers fell on deaf ears, and the sense of betrayal that I feel from that is overwhelming. 

For months after Peyton's death, I felt alone, and scared, and sad, and distraught, and filed weekly to my seat in the pew, to see if I could feel Him there with me. Week after week I prayed that God could come into my heart to make some sense of all that happened, and week after week, no answers came. I guess I just don't know how can I make peace with that? 

When people tell me that if God intends me to have a baby it will happen, don't they understand that miscarriage, child loss, infertility, and now a failed IVF have clouded that statement to such a degree that it feels simply untrue for me? Can't they understand how hopeless that makes me feel? They might as well be telling me that it just won't happen.


  1. You are, for lack of better words, preaching to the choir. I knew, knew, KNEW, without a shadow of a doubt, that God ordained Matthew--ten years of trying was finally being paid off!

    So...when he died--senselessly and perfectly normal and healthy, talk about crisis of faith. And I'm still in it. By no means am I able to say, without a doubt, I'm ok with all of this because it all works for the good.
    I'm not. And I too am jealous of people who can. I spent a weekend recently with people who can and was so encouraged because I want to be there!
    As far as people telling me this was God's intent...well, I'm just not there either. I just don't think it fits with the character of God--one who loves us and weeps for us. Would send His son for doesn't make sense and I just don't buy that God is up there plucking babies from us for some greater good. I'm not saying I'm's just not where I am.

    But I believe He allows it. And can make good of it. I'm struggling with that as well, but know that there is just no way that I can continue breathing on my own, so He has to be there and helping me.

    I hate it when people throw the book of Job at me. That's a perfect example of bad things happening and them NOT being because God intended them to. Allowed them to, maybe...but not planned them or willed them. So I do find comfort in it but not for the reasons people think.

    I'm so, so sorry again...I wish I had something more insightful or helpful. Just know I'm thinking of you and praying for God to send you His comfort and peace.

  2. I wish I could say something amazing and helpful, but I can't. I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry you even have to experience all this shit, with load after load dumped on you. So very, very sorry.

  3. Praying... just praying. I don't know what to say...
    big HUGS!!!

  4. I feel compelled to comment on this post and just pray that my words are enough.

    God DOES love you. God IS there for you---He has always been. I don't believe that any of this is God's INTENTION. I believe God ALLOWS things to happen in our lives, but does not necessarily cause them. Look at Job---he was the most righteous man on the earth. God allowed the devil to tempt him. He lost ALL of his children. Can you imagine that? Did he deserve that? NO. If the "rules" were that we got things based on what we deserved, I am sure most of us would come up empty handed.

    When I lost Hannah I was ANGRY. How could He hurt her? What had SHE done to Him? Whether it sounds cliche or not, she is happier now and in a much better place than I could have given her. Would I selfishly still want her back? YES. Maybe it was not God's INTENTION, but it is His plan now. Her life is part of my life's plan. I got pregnant again 1 cycle after her. MISCARRIAGE. Boy did my anger rage again. I don't know why, but I have to TRUST Him. I HAVE to. And from trusting Him and having that FAITH that somehow this means much, much more than I can possibly understand----He gives me peace. Not ALWAYS. Some days I really struggle. But HE IS WITH US!

    I am praying that I have not offended you or caused you any more undue pain. I can't imagine your suffering and loss because it is yours. But I do know that your daughter's life is changing many lives for the better. And I do know that IF YOU LET HIM, He will give you peace.

    Lots of love,
    Katy xxx

  5. People don't know what God's intentions are no more than you or i do. You have every right to feel betrayed by a God who should have been there. To be honest, there are few few times i actually feel being carried through all this. it is something i have told myself it is something that i may not feel but have to believe. I am so sorry you are having to go through so much. I wish people would think before they said things like shooting off about God's intentions. i know there are simply no words to comfort your broken broken heart, just know someone in Texas is sending you Lots of LOVE and praying that you do find peace and comfort one day soon, as only he can give it. XOXO

  6. Damn, I wish people would get a clue. That is NOT a helpful statement. {{{Hugs}}}

  7. I wish I had the right words for you. I agree with everything that KLarsen said. I dont think any of this was God's intention. I think we live in a fallen cruel unfair world and that God will bring something good and righteous out of this. God does love you and He Is with you even when you cant feel it. He is wiping your tears and keeping count of each of them. God will make this right in the end. I just wish we knew how he intended to do that. I hope this helps but if not just know that I am praying for you. *HUGS*

  8. Dear Kristin

    How dare they tell you that any of this was INTENDED? How dare they. How dare they take away your hope, plant in your mind the notion that if you don't conceive it is somehow, not intended! That thinking is but one short step away from the unspoken notion that you did something bad or wrong. And that is just plain wicked.

    I am an atheist for good reason and because I have never once been able to hear answered to my satisfaction the problem of suffering. For me there is no God. And certainly no intercessionary God.

    This does NOT mean however that I lack spirituality, or that my life is devoid of meaning and purpose. Far from it. In the natural world, in the beauty of words, in the power of music, in the indescribable magnificence of the natural world, in the companionship of animals, I hear comfort and find solace. Like you and Dru did at Peyton's lookout, where you put her name on the stone. But this magnificence is not God, not in my mind, and never will be.

    I used to think if I was good, the universe, or God, would eventually see it, and reward me. Answer my prayers. I see this now for the naivety it is.

    I am sorry to be so blunt. It is something I care about quite passionately.

    If you do however want a christian perspective on grief, if you haven't already read it, try A Grief Observed, By C S Lewis. He describes the time after his beloved wife died as if god had slammed the door in his face and locked and bolted it from within. Your words reminded me of that.

    Your faith in the existence of a supreme being may not survive - and that is really OK. It does not mean an end to finer feeling, or sprituality. It does not condemn you to a life of emotional paucity, or bitterness, or a lack of community. Not at all.

    For now, let your rage flow. And above all, as the poet said, rage, rage, against the dying of the light ( I take this to mean hope.)

    I wish, how I wish, I could be more comfort to you.

    You are in my thoughts, as you have been for some time and will continue to be.


  9. I don't believe in a God in this sense but I'm sure if I did then I'd be struggling with it. I have a friend who's sister died suddenly at 26 years old and her parents think it's partly the hospital's fault. This was before we'd even been pregnant. I was talking to my friend one day and she said her Dad still goes to church and finds comfort in it but her Mum doesn't and has lost her faith in God. She asked her Dad how he could still believe after everything that had happened and he said 'I can't not believe'.

    My MIL lost her first baby so now she's lost her first daughter and first grand-daughter but has maintained her faith throughout - I'm not sure how. Maybe I'll ask her next time we see them because I find it hard to accept sometimes. My pregnancy with Matilda was complicated and she always prayed for her and us and Matilda died. Now I'm pregnant again, she tells me she's praying for us and the baby. But all I can think is 'You prayed last time and it didn't help'.

    No answers here sorry. But I hope if there's any chance of your faith bringing you comfort, you can find your way back there at some stage.

    Hoping the next cycle is your one.

    Maddie x

  10. Dear Kristin,

    First off, I am SOOO very sorry that you are going through this. I wish there was something amazing I could say to make you feel better. I don't think anyone should tell you that this is God's intentions, that's just not right in my opinion. Its no one's place to say what God's intentions are or even to guess what they may be. I don't think God "punishes" or "intends" harm on His people.

    The only thing I can say is that I don't believe its God's intention at all. I believe the devil is always there to test our faith to bring us away from God and he tries pretty damn hard. I don't believe God intends for you to be unhappy in any way or intends for you not to bear a child. I believe the devil does things to try and bring us down and we must make a choice (free will) if we will follow our Lord in the face of adversity. Unfortunately some are tested more than others, I don't know why that is. All I know is I think you are a strong woman, stronger than I could ever be (and I know that doesn't make you feel better, I just felt it should be said).

    I think it is ok to be feeling the way you are and you are more than entitled to feel that way. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

    love and prayers always,

  11. It is true that none of us here know what God's intentions are for our lives, however, God has put a strong desire in your heart for a child, and I believe that when God lays something on our hearts it is always for a reason. I'm sure you have read the story of Job...A lot of things that happen to us we don't understand and never will while we are on this earth. Everything in life is temporary...

  12. sorry if this is going to offend anyone but didn't god have his only son die? didn't he do this without any care for mary, his earthly mother? isn't then this whole thing based on the death of a child and the mother suffering.....this is something i too struggle with at the moment. it seems as though ivf has failed for me too after the death of my 13 month old son. i don't understand the point of strength gained from these adversities, i was strong before all this happened, strength is highly overrated. On a more practical note, i really think you should find a new clinic and re. any re who will let you over stimulate to the degree that you did does not have your best interest at heart. i know in australia they will cancel your cycle at the first sign of overstimulation as it will generally always fail and it is placing your health and reproductive organs at risk. i'm sorry to say these things, but i hope more than anything that you are able to achieve your dreams, i sincerely do xxx anne

  13. Oh, Krissy. I'm so sorry about what's happening in your life and for not having stopped in lately to check out your stories...

    Sigh :(. I can't suggest anything at this time other than for you to place your trust and faith in you for a change. What can you do. What can't you do. And be OK with whatever answers you come up with. Because you're a beautiful person, and I think that you will have what you want, even if it doesn't come about in some of the ways you plan.

    Don't listen to me or the next person or God. Listen to you. And don't feel guilty or less of a person ever.

  14. I agree that it is arrogant to speculate for God. We will never understand...that is the point of trust.
    My only words of comfort or encouragement are to keep asking the questions! You cannot offend God, or hurt his feelings. Work through your emotions and seek out people to talk with you and pray with you. It isn't bad to work out your faith, to feel it waiver, and to search for hard answers. Don't give up on it, but search with all your might for answers. And I will pray God brings people into your life to show you truth and love you in your struggles...
    wish we could have coffee and I could share with you some of the truth God has led me to as I beat against the walls of Heaven with my questions...

  15. I wrote a response to your post on my blog but did not link to you. I will if you want me to. I hope it does not offend you. Go here to read it:

    My prayers are always with you and yours

  16. I think you already know the answers to the questions you posed. I do, too.

    I just don't like them, currently.

  17. although none of us can claim to "know" what God's intentions are, there are some things we DO know. i'm not the most educated person in the world, but i did minor in Bible at a Christian college, and more importantly to relate to you, i've been through some VERY tough things. i haven't lost a child, but i was abused for 11 years & then kidnapped, taken to mexico, and held there for a month. i'm not comparing my situation with yours... simply saying that i have been tested, too.

    okay... first, God does NOT cause evil. people cause evil. we are sinful, and we live in a fallen world that is NOT the world God created it to be. because of the Fall, because of sin, we do not experience perfection until we are in Heaven with Him.

    God did not "intend" for that doctor to mess up with you. He does not "intend" for you to suffer, He does not "intend" for you to have to miss your daughter so badly. but the truth is, in this fallen world, there IS a reason for everything. we may not understand it this side of Heaven, but it is there.

    maybe God sent your daughter to this world for a reason you can't understand yet. maybe she was sent to you in order to teach you something, maybe even to point you back to Him. maybe through her death, this blog will reach others and help them. that doesn't mean you'd rather have had her die than to keep her here, but the point is that good CAN come out of it, and God CAN use it.

    maybe the reason you "can't" get pregnant right now is that God has a child for you through adoption. maybe He knows that if you were physically able to give birth again, you would miss out on the child He has chosen for you, a child who needs you. perhaps that child hasn't even been born yet but He knows they will be born & that this time is necessary to prepare your hearts for that time. perhaps He allowed Peyton to come to you biologically so that you would see how much you love having a child, and be willing to do what it takes to bring your next one home, either through birth or adoption.

    your daughter is in a place with no pain, tears, fears, or unfulfilled needs. of course you miss her - you always will - and it's natural to wish she could still be with you. but try to remember that in this case, the sadness shouldn't be for PEYTON - it's for YOU. Peyton is in a much better place than this fallen world, where although you would've given her the best life you could, she still would've faced hard times & pain & learned lessons the hard way. the pain is for those left behind, who have to keep going in this fallen world without, in your case, the little girl you love so much.

    it's okay to be angry, to hurt, to grieve. it is necessary! but with God, you can cry with hope because 1) He has your little girl & you can spend eternity with her, and 2) He can heal you so that although you'll always have the scars from your loss, the gaping wound can be healed.

    i'll be praying for you. if there's anything i can do, please let me know. :-)

    - michelle

  18. I am not a religious person, spiritual yes, religious no. Do not feel bad if you cannot follow religion and prayer and worship. Why worship what you do not feel in your heart? I would never tell someone what to believe, we are all individuals, but I cannot myself follow a religion that brings so much pain. To say that something doesn't happen unless god intends, to say that the death of an innocent child is an intention of god and the pain the parents feel in the absence of that child is to help them feel stronger with god, that is absolute crap to me. Get angry, scream, cry, vent. Do whatever you need to do. I hope with all my heart that this is the end of your shit list. I am sending all my love to you, and know that it is okay to not lean on god, to not worship if you do not feel it. You will not be damned to hell for that. You have been wronged and hurt and need to grieve. Grieve everything.

    I have a doctor friend who had multiple losses and went on to IVF finally, she did a fresh cycle and it failed, a frozen and it took, another fresh that failed and another frozen that took. You can still do this. Take hatever time you need to heal even in the slightest. Do what you need to do. You are a mother now and always, and I truly believe you will hold a forever baby(ies) in your arms.

  19. Kristin,

    I am so sorry people have used words that are hurtful. I'm reading your words with tears pouring down my sorry for the hurt you are feeling. I can feel the strength of it through your words. The anger...the pain...the feelings of abandonment. They are bigger than anything else right now. Right now, there are no perfect answers or words tied up in a neat bow to explain the suffering and death of your sweet baby girl...and the continuation of loss you feel facing infertility. There are no words to make that better or explain why. I know the pain is bigger than anything else...that you feel like He has let you down, turned His back on you. You are in the thick of grief...heavy, relentless, merciless grief.

    I have walked through some dark places, spent some time in the valley of the shadow of death, watched unspeakable suffering...waited for answers that never came...and I have had moments of feeling forsaken. When you are in those places, it is hard to see anything else...hard to feel hope, or believe it's there. Reading your words reminds me of that time of blind raw pain. A time when as a Christian, I felt like a failure because my grief hurt so much...because for a moment, I wondered why...I didn't embrace the trial with joy...was I a failure...without faith? Why weren't my prayers answered? Where was my miracle?

    You may read my blog and see where I am isn't a place I've always been. The process of getting beauty from ashes is no walk in the park. There were years of healing, brokenness, restoration, surrender, and learning to trust Him. He is still piecing some things back together in my life.

    The words I want to tell you are going to seem so cotton candy right now. But, they are true...and maybe you can take some comfort in knowing that they are coming from someone who has walked through some stuff.

    God doesn't intend suffering, pain, death, sickness, cancer, grief...any of it. He never intended it. He isn't the author of it. And, as a loving Father who values you enough to send His own Son to suffer horribly and die in your place....He takes no pleasure in your pain. He loves you and His heart breaks for you...with you... I get that you can't feel Him right now...that the pain is too much. I get it, and so does He. When I even try to think of the depth of your pain, it seems like such bologna as I'm writing it...knowing that you are in a place to receive this right now, and desperately hoping that my words do nothing to pour salt in your gaping wounds...

    (To be continued in next comment)

  20. Ridiculously long comment continued....

    You may be thinking...O.K...He didn't intend it, but He allowed it. He didn't stop it. He didn't protect her. He didn't protect me. You're right...He didn't stop it from happening...and I don't have an answer for that. Not one that will make it better. His ways are not our ways...and only He sees the beginning from the end. It is true that there are beautiful things that come from the ashes of our brokenness. And God can use all things in our lives to shape and mold us.

    But, when you are in the pit sinking...where you are, those words sometimes don't help...and may even bring hurt. Who wants to hear about being shaped and molded when your arms are aching for your baby, your body is broken, and your heart is in pieces, and your mind is plagued with memories of the suffering of your precious child? You can't see the hope of that promise from the pit. Can't feel the comfort of it. That doesn't mean it isn't there...doesn't mean that He isn't there...and I know me saying it doesn't make you feel better.
    From my pit...I didn't want to hear about God's will...didn't want to hear about the fruit that would come...didn't want to count it all joy...didn't want the witty words and well-meaning verses...didn't want the pretty flowers...certainly didn't want to listen to any miracle stories...almost every promise from scripture or well-meaning words from Christians brought pain. I just wanted my babies. And I just wanted my mother. And...they weren't here...

    For a time, I didn't want to hear about the promises and hope. time when, I did. I wanted to hold on to the promise of the joy set before me...wanted to know that although weeping may last for a would come in the morning. I didn't know when morning would come to my house and stay...but one day, on my knees, crying bitter tears...I felt myself surrender all that I had wanted and just let Him carry me. There's no formula or timetable to come to that place...and it sounds so easy and tied up in a pretty bow as I'm writing it right now. It wasn't. And, it wasn't a place I could come to on my own...

    Here's the thing, I believe as the bible says, the rain falls on the just and the unjust. Whether we are Christians or not, we will find suffering and trouble in this world. It's a guarantee. We will walk through these valleys with or without Him. The bottom line is...I'd rather walk through it with Him than without Him.

    There is unspeakable beauty that has grown in our lives from the ashes of our sorrow. I don't believe that God sent the sorrow and loss...and I never would have chosen it. But, He has used it to make us who we draw us to teach us to love one another. I'm saying that, not to rub salt in your wounds, but to tell you that there is hope for healing. Even in this darkness...light can shine again.

    And, Kristin...even when you can't feel Him, He is holding you. He will carry you...He is carrying you. When you are too weak to reach for Him, He still holds you. When you are too angry to hear go to Him...He waits for you. matter how hurt, angry, deserted, lost, hopeless, matter how long it takes...He will wait for you. He will be there with open arms. He loves you with a relentless love. A love that can take your anger, your sorrow, your questioning, your doubt, your pain...
    His only intention is tTo love, heal, save, and carry you....

    You, my dear, are not a failure....and no one has the right to judge your "performance" in the pits of grief. No one.

    I hope you don't mind my long comment...and all of my words. Words that I know do nothing to "fix" the brokenness. Please know that they have all been written in heart is breaking with you...
    I pray nothing I've said added to your pain...

    Love and Continued prayers,

  21. I wish I had something insightful to say, but I can say I think what you are feeling is normal- and something you need to feel. Get it out. Do what's best for you right now. And don't listen to platitudes about God's intentions i/e "Maybe it's for the best" as that is a load of crap. What's happening to you sucks, and it's okay to verbalize and feel that, until you can adjust to this reality. But don't give up the fight.

  22. I've been terribly sick with the flu so was not online since last Wednesday, so I apologize for being so slow to extend to you my shoulder, my ear, my hand.

    There are no words. After Jayden died I swore I'd never utter another senseless platitude to anyone suffering a loss. You'll get none of that from me. Just know my heart hurts for you and I hear you and I will always be listening.


  23. kelly's comment is beautifully written....i just wanted to add something i heard just this past week at my grief group.

    a couple talked about how it took them 5 years to come to a place of seeing the good that God had worked in their life through the death of their daugther. five years. and they talked about how it might 5 years for some, 10 for others and even 15 years.....

    we are still so new on this journey and i struggle with the same issues you do. but i do believe god is working good and while its hard to see right now, i do believe, that in time, i will see it. i'm just not there yet and i'm okay with that.

    struggling with you....

  24. This is the first time I'm visiting your blog. I haven't read much yet, but I can see you are in incredible pain at the moment. I'm sorry you had to endure such terrible things. I recently came upon a book by Jackie Mize called "Supernatural Childbirth" and it helped me, maybe it can help you? Not that I can compare my troubles with yours of course, my circumstances are completely different.

  25. Kristin, this post really touched me. I recently became a mother, quite surprisingly through them miracle of adoption. Prior to that, I spent 7 years begging God to show mercy on my unborn babies, but I lost all 7 of them to first trimester miscarriage. I begged God to give me a break each time we started teh 5 of our IVF's and He never did. I was angry at him and I wanted nothing to do with Him because I felt he had foresaken me. He had abandoned me, he had allowed life to kick me to the ground and then continue to kick me as I lay there writhing in pain. And I asked the same questios as you're asking now, I felt the same way as you feel now. In fact, I have only since the birth of my daughter been able to return to church, I sit in my little spot and cry from gratitude each Sunday, feeling like a hyprocrite because I turned my backon God when I needed him the most cos I was SO angry.
    I posted about this on my blog sometime ago and somebody sent me this and it, in a way, comforted me and I hope that it can offer you some comfort to because you have been through unthinkable and unbearable pain!
    There's a verse in Romans * vs 28 "And we know that in all
    things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called
    according to his purpose. I'll write what my Bible says about this verse:
    God works in "all things" - not just isplated incidents - for our good. This
    does not mean that all that happens to us is good. Evil is prevalent in our
    fallen world, but God is able to turn every circumstance around for our
    long-range good. Note that God is not working to make us happy, but to
    fulfil his purpose.

    Then a couple of weeks ago in Church, the sermon was about the ver same thing. About how evil can turn our lives upside down and at the time it feels as if God has abandoned us but ultimatley, He is working in the back ground and He WILL turn all Evil to his advantage for our good.
    I'm so sorry you're in such unimaginable pain right now. And I hope that my message has not caused further hope or offense because really there can be no reason why an innocent baby had to suffer through sucha painful death.
    But I just wanted to encourage you, I loved your posting about the cocoon, it is so true. Just keep doing what you're doing, rail against the world, keep digging the sand out of your hole becuase one day it will get better.

  26. I am so sorry for what is happening to you, i found the story below and wanted to share it with you... Take it the way you want to... God still loves you

    "A family went on a trip to England to buy something from a beautiful antique shop, for the celebration of the 25th anniversaries from marrying.
    Both were interested in antiques and ceramics, especially tea cups
    They have noticed an exceptional cup and wondered: “can we see that tea cup? I have never seen anything so beautiful. "
    While Ms. gave them what they were asking, tea cup began to speak: "Can’t you understand, I wasn't at first a tea cup. First I was just a ball of red clay. The Master took me and rolled me, beat me hard, kneaded me repeatedly and I have cried: “don’t do that!", "I hate it!" "Leave me alone," but he just smiled and said with meekness: "not yet!"
    Then, Ah! I was placed on a wheel and I was to turn and turn and turn and turn and turn, “Stop!" I am dizzy! I’ll be sick! "I shouted. But the Master said again quietly: "Not yet." He spun me, kneaded me and hit me until he obtained the form that he wanted and then I was shoved in the oven. I never felt so much heat. I cried, I hit and I struck the door ... "Help! Get me out of here! “I could see him through an opening and could read his lips while nodding his head from one side to another: "Not yet." When I was thinking that I will not resist another minute, the door was opened. Carefully removed me out and put me on the shelf ... I started to cool. I felt so good! "Oh, it is much better "I thought. But after I've cooled, He took me, brushed me and colored me everywhere ... smells was horrible. I thought I will suffocate. "Oh, please, stop, stop, I cried!" He just came in and said, "Not yet!"
    Then, suddenly put me back in the oven. Only now it wasn’t like the first time. It was twice as hot and felt like I will choke. I've asked. I insisted. I cried. I cried, I was sure I won’t be left alone, was ready to give up. Even then the door was opened and he pulled me out and placed me on a shelf where I cooled and waited and I waited asking myself: "what was He going to do next?"
    An hour later gave me a mirror and said: "look at you." And I looked. Is that me? Couldn’t be me. It is beautiful. I am so beautiful!!!
    He spoke meek: "I want you to bear in mind; I know it hurt when you were rolled, kneaded, hit, spun, but if I would have left you alone you would have dried. I know you got dizzy when I was spinning you, but you would have crumpled otherwise. I know it was painful and hot and unpleasant in the oven, but I had to put you in there or you would have cracked. I know when I brushed you and painted you that those smells did no good to you, but you wouldn’t be hardened enough otherwise. Nor would you have brilliance in your life. If you wouldn’t be shoved for the second time in the oven, you don't have survived too much because that strengthening would not last. Now you're a finished product. Now you're what I had in mind for the first time since I started working on you. "
    The lesson is this: God knows what He makes with each of us. He is the Master, and we're Clay. He will shape, we will make us and we will expose us to pressure needed to be perfect to do His way.
    If life seems hard and you're hit, beaten and pushed almost reckless; when it seems like the world is spinning uncontrolled; when you feel like you're in a big suffering, when life seems awful, make yourself a tea and drink it in the most beautiful Cup, sit and think about those read here and then talk for a while with the Master.
    "This is my mission on Earth, for which it was endowed with gifts – although I am unworthy. For this I am wanted everywhere, so I am preaching about God's love. I am estranged of other thoughts and ways."

  27. Wish I had time to read through all the comments, I'm sure there will be some really interesting responses.

    I too, am going through my first ever spiritual rebellion, since last week.

    I want to say to God, dammit, I've been such a good little girl. Throw me a bone.

    I have learned this in my life though, it's not about earning rewards when it comes to God. As painful and horrendous as it is, it just is.

    God is not the orchestra conductor, we are conducting our own orchestra. God loves all his children, and if he was to give us the rewards we seek, the world would be a perfect place. It's not what we signed up for!

    Some people would disagree with me, but a book that really helped me to understand everything better was Conversations with God.

    I also plan to post on this soon, thanks for writing about it, because it's given me food for thought, and it makes me feel less lonely.

  28. Kristin, I'm just so sorry. I wanted you to know that. I don't have religion in my life at all, never have, and right now, I'm glad.
    I'm sending all the love I have.

  29. I have never posted on your blog before, but I have been praying for your IVF to work for many weeks now.

    I don't have much wisdom to add as I have not been in your situation. I can say, though, that I think everything is still too fresh and painful for you to know what good will come out of your tragic circumstances. God DOES know everything and He can see your future and He knows the path and he knows the positive things that can come out of your situation even when you don't. You have to let Him show you, even when it's hard to let go of control over your situation.

    My friend's brother and his wife struggled with infertility for 10 years. They were unable to get pregnant, despite what they tried. They eventually adopted a little baby girl out of a bad home situation. Right after they adopted her, they got pregnant and are about to have another little girl. I'm not suggesting that adoption is the plan for you or you will magically get pregnant if you adopt a baby, I'm just saying that during those 10 years, they couldn't see God's plan. They didn't know what it was. CLEARLY though, God knew that little Alexa needed to be rescued from her potentially tragic life. He knew that nine years before Alexa was born. He knew that since the beginning of time. He was totally in control of the situation and they let Him have control.

    I am giving you this story as an example of a good situation taking years to come about. That may not be reassuring, but know that God will love you through however long it takes for your desire and His to match up!!

    Know also that many people are praying for you!

  30. Why is it that people turn away from God when things go wrong, but are so quick to say "God is good!" whenever their life is going well? God loves us in good and bad times... and we should honour Him by doing the same!

  31. Kristin--Kelly's comment above just sums it all up. I won't say anymore, except this:

    My grandma had 10 kids, once of whom died when he was 5 days old. Still don't know why, but they assume he had a stroke maybe? She's just recently gotten to where she can kinda, sorta understand God's timing with it all. 40 years later.

    I'll be praying for you and your husband's hurt right now.

  32. Dear sweet lady friend...

    I keep finding myself reading my husbands book that was released 1 year ago today; "Being Ourself-by Ty Clement". The same day that we were told a heartbeat could not be found. Two days from now, one year ago, I would give birth to one of my twins, have an allergic reaction to morphine, die, have a near death experience, wait six weeks, bleed to death, have another near death experience, and discover that an unnoticed twin had been rotting inside me for that entire period. Twins I'd dreamed about since I was a small child. During that entire time, my sweet husband should have been promoting his beautiful book about the spiritual truth of oneness he'd been writing about and living for over 10 years. Instead, we were mourning the loss of our twins.

    I couldn't understand how God could shit on such devotedly true family that had always put "God's will" in the forefront of EVERYTHING. Not in a typical christian mindset, but rather, a more holistic, non exclusive version of truth. Everything was devoted to the one thing that IS God in everything connected in life. It was a vision of peace, wholeness...of interwoven love and hope. We'd endured SO much for that truth...and had suddenly lost our babies to a shrug and a "these things sometime just happen." We now had a brain damaged eldest child from a freak accident and a slew of debt that we can never climb out of...and broken hearts in only a three year period of time. It was too much for me. TOO MUCH!

    I asked my husband while I was re-reading his book in wonder that my sweet man wrote it, how it was that he could stay so faithful to God when he had trashed his dreams of being an author that could speak such beauty to the world. He said "Sara...that isn't for me to's just for me to do. I don't feel that God is a single being...I feel that God is everything, and in everything, there is horror mixed with beauty. I see the beauty in our experience right along with the horror and grief. It's all always has been.

    He makes me cry because in those words I can still feel myself screaming "WHY GOD! WHY DID YOU KILL HIS BOOK AND OUR BABIES AT THE SAME TIME? WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO LIVE AND SHARE THEIR BEAUTY??? WHY WHY WHY???"

    These are the words of the wife of a spiritual author.....these are the words of a woman that has SEEN that there IS a spiritual place to go to when we die. . .who knows my babies are waiting for me there...because I've seen them. Screaming at God...wishing for a different ending to a different in which happy endings always meet the faithful. But that isn't isn't God.

    In saying that, I remember that my husband's book ISN'T can still be bought, asked could be revived if we could muster the energy to fight for it. "Being Ourself" isn't dead, and Simon and Alexander...and sweet Peyton aren't dead...their bodies are gone, but THEY live on...loving us...believing in us...and...even fighting for's just truth.

    I say this because though your being stretched beyond what you can handle...yes...BEYOND what anyone could can still fight for your energy to keep trying. Keep trying....

    I'm finding that inner peace is worth screaming, punching and fighting for. It seems like the only way for the spiritual warriors of life. You are one of those warriors, even if you don't WANT to be. and for what it's worth...I love you for it. ((HUG))

  33. I am so so sorry for all the pain that you feel. But PLEASE don't give up on God. I don't know why this has all happened to you. You are right, it's not fair. Why do you have to go through so much? I don't know the answers to these questions. I have read your blog for awhile now. You have had experiences where you have felt Peyton's presence. These are God's way of telling you that you are loved, He is there. He gives you moments of His tender mercies. Please hold on to these and keep going.
    The Lord does know your pain. He sent His perfect Son to this earth to suffer for all of us. God watched His perfect son go through more pain then any man could bear while he atoned for our sins and suffered the pain of the world; alot of the pain from the hands His other children. I promise He loves you! He knows what you are going through. I will pray that your heart may be healed and that you can have more children. Please don't give up on God!

  34. Your pain has caused quite a few thought provoking responses Kristin. I'm not sure there is much to add other than that it's OKAY to be angry with God, to temporarily lose our faith. We are not perfect and God understands this. I have waffled back and forth in my beliefs since Calvin died too because God did not answer my prayers for my son either. I don't think it was out of malice though, when God gave us freedom of choice, He agreed to step back and let us live our own lives without any intervention from Him but He weeps for us when we're hurting Kristin. God has cried for your tears and pain and God UNDERSTANDS firsthand what we are dealing with, He lost His child too. I believe that God gave us His son so that we could have hope, so that we could be reunited one day with our babies, so that the pain we feel isn't permanent. I believe in you Kristin. I believe that your desire to earthly mother a child will overcome ALL obstacles that stand in your way and that while you may grieve today, tomorrow you will find the strength to carry on in your quest. Hugging you

  35. Just wanted to add that my word verification word for my post was Paterall....Pater (Father) All. Coincidence???

  36. I love Anonymous/Elizabeth's response up, up there. Very much.

  37. I know you will hate me and maybe ban me from writting to your posts for what i am going to say, but i will take my chance.
    I think you should let go of Peyton (not forget her, just don't keep her in your mind all the time), let go of the anger, pain, guilt, dissapointment, all that negativity in your life. It is hard to do that, more than words can express it, but you can not expect another child with all that anger in your heart. you have to take time for yourself, and for your future. there was time for mourning, but now it's time to let go. You have to "nourish" your body and your soul with joy and love. Do trees grow high on the mountains where it's cold and covered with snow? Does a flower grow on sand? And examples can go on, you have to fill your body with warmth, and joy, and happines(i know it's hard)and positive thinking.
    Your happines it's just on the outside, but inside you are burning, you are dying, screaming.
    You have to let go.

  38. Wow ...I can feel your pain.(hugs)
    I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Peyton. She is beautiful.

    I too know then pain of a failed IVF where all your hopes & dreamed are pinned.I am so sorry for your BFN.
    I wish I had something better to say.

    What you say resonates with me. I fell pregnant after over 12 yrs infertility only to lose my precious daughter when @26wks pregnant to stillbirth.
    I too was so angry with God and I couldn't see why she died ...
    I was angry that people said it as God's will or those who barely acknowledged our miracle baby!
    Anger is ok. Go easy on yourself and take care of your heart. I love what you are doing in honour of Peyton.

    I wish I could wave a magic wand for you xx

  39. I read this post on holiday and my immediate reaction was to want to say something. But it turns out that the words did not come so easily.

    Your heartfelt questions resonated very much with the rollercoaster my faith has been through too. Since Abigail died the second blow of infertility has put a real tangible strain on my relationship with God and I so wanted to share something with you that would help you through your own journey.

    But the thing is... my pat answers were just that, pat answers. They contained truth but perhaps a truth that can only be discovered yourself and not imported from another.

    I have spent much time reflecting on the book of Job. (This is not a comment on the many wise and thoughtful comments here by the way). Perhaps the most helpful thing Job's friends did were sit with him for seven days in silence. Accepting and feeling his suffering without passing comment on it. As soon as they opened their mouth it went down hill. What they said had a lot of truth in it but in Job's case it didn't help.

    I can't solve the enigma for you. I can't give you the answers. I can't give you a baby or bring back Peyton. I can't magic away the pain and doubt and grief. All I can say is I think it is okay to be in this place. I think God understands and loves you. I think it will take time and that is okay too. And, I for one am comfortable to "be" in that place with you too.


  40. James 1:13 - When under trial, let no one say "I am being tried by God", For with evil things God cannot be tried nor does he himself try anyone.

    So God is not the source of your loss and/or infertility. He doesn't "will" or intend for anyone to suffer.

    1 John 5:19 - We know we originate with God, but the whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one.

    "The wicked one", Satan is the cause for all the problems we see. God intends to do away with Satan and all these problems.

    Ps 37:10, 11 - And just a little while longer and the wicked one will be no more. And you will certainly give attention to his place and he will not be. But the meek ones will possess the earth and they will indeed find their exquisite abundance of peace.

    I don't mean to preach but just wanted to give you scriptural evidence that you have not done anything wrong so that God is punishing you with loss and infertility. We just live in a messed up world right now.

    I think about you and your adorable baby girl often. I feel for the struggles you're going through. I'm going through a similar battle with infertility issues after losing a newborn. It's such a difficult road.

    I wish you comfort and peace.

  41. Ok, Kelly's response made me cry. Gosh, she's so good with words.

    All I can speak is from my own experience and beliefs. I don't believe that God intends for any harm to come to us. Just as we don't want to see bad things happen to our loved ones, He doesn't want to see it either. But I do believe He allows these things to happen. He can see what can come from all the things in our lives, good and bad. I honestly don't know where I would be without Him. He is the one that has carried me through everything I've been through when no one else was there.