Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Ups and Downs of "All Systems Go"

Tomorrow morning, at a little after 8 AM, hubs and I will be heading to the RE for our egg retrieval. I would by lying if I didn't say this has me all jumbled up. There are SO MANY hopes hanging on this very important procedure. That being said, between the hormones and the self injecting, the fear of the super long progesterone shots that will be going into my back starting in the next few days, and that debacle with my shot last night, I guess being jumbled up is to be expected.

If all goes well tomorrow, our child(ren) will be conceived via petri dish on April Fools (also my mother's birthday) transferred on Easter, a pregnancy test would come tax day, and their birth due right about Christmas Eve. In my family, my mother, father, sister, and myself, all have birthdays falling on a calendar holiday, so I have decided to take the timing of this cycle, and these funny dates, as a good sign.

As excited as I am for this *hopefully* new journey towards parenthood, none of that excitement quells how deeply I am missing Peyton. I find myself wondering what she would be doing, or about how different secondary infertility might feel, if I had my beautiful girl home to mother.

I am scared (out of my mind actually) about all the answers we don't have regarding how it was that our little girl was born with Leukemia, and am praying that I am doing, and have done, all that is necessary to keep these new little eggies from a similar fate. A beautiful fellow babyloss and IVF momma sent me some CD's of IVF meditations, and I have been using them to find some peace from the worry and anxiety, in the moments that my heart allows.

I don't know how many eggs will be retrieved tomorrow. I have been bordering on OHSS, an overstimulation condition that I REFUSE to Google because I already have enough on my mind. What I do know is that at yesterday's ultrasound they counted 60 follicles on my left, and about the same number on my right. Yes, you read that right, SIXTY follicles, a number that has me praying for God to *please give us enough healthy embryos from these follicles to make a family, but not so many that we can't use them.* Despite the science involved in IVF, I consider each and every child created by my husband and I as just that, a child, and the possibility of facing a lot of unusable embryos is something that tests me a great deal.

The woman doing the ultrasound also told me that my ovaries have grown so large that they are now touching. I know I am no doctor, but on all the diagrams that I saw during my years in public school sex-ed class, I never remember seeing an image of two ovaries hanging out together. It was always my understanding that they were sort of loners, taking turns each month at doing their own thing. The image of them bouncing into each other in there sort of gives me the heebie jeebies.

Because of the risk of OHSS, I have been put on a high salt intake, and Gatorade diet, and advised to do little to no exercise so as not to risk twisting an ovary. This is hard for me, because exercise is a big outlet for my anxiety, and water is my drink of choice, but doctors orders are doctors orders, so here I sit, on the couch, 2 liters of gatorade on my left, a salty black bean concoction for lunch on my right, and the cautiously optimistic hopes, that we may finally be moving towards the promise of parenthood, swirling around in my mind.

24 comments:

  1. I will be praying for a good retrieval. *hugs*

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  2. wow, i am loving all the holiday dates....i think its a good sign too!

    i had "kissing ovaries" (aka: they were touching) with my IUI cycle...they HURT! rest up...

    all my fingers and toes crossed for you!

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  3. breathe in. now breathe out.

    i hopewishpray tomorrow goes as it should. and if tomorrow goes as it should for me as well, we can share the same due date.

    what i wouldn't give for a babylost mama to take the trip of rainbowbabyness with!

    GOOD LUCK!

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  4. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

    xxx

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  5. Good luck for tomorrow - I'll be thinking of you and hoping all goes well.

    Mixed emotions are only natural - hang in there.

    Maddie x

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  6. Wow, love the symbolism behind all the holiday dates tied to this cycle. I'm praying that holiday dates continue to mean good things in your family.

    And, holy sh*t, that is a ton of follicles. Hope you avoid OHSS

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  7. thinking of you and hoping it all goes smoothly tomorrow. i am starting my first ivf cycle tomorrow so i'd love to talk to you about it.
    xo Lani

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  8. Prayer, prayers, prayers.

    Check out my blog... See what I'm trying to do for Noah's 2nd birthday.
    Hopefully it will make you smile :)
    letterstonoah.blogspot.com

    Jane

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  9. Wishing you the best of luck. Got my fingers, toes and eyes crossed for you!!!

    Sending you lots of hugs & prayers...

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  10. Good Luck tomorrow - Let us know how it goes.. You will be fine.. Even if you hyper stim you will be fine.. Rest tonight - being peaceful is the best thing you can do.. I am so excited for your news ...

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  11. If you do have a zillion eggs (okay, so not that many, but a lot), you could always opt to only have X exposed to sperm and then freeze the other eggs... Just a thought...

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  12. Holy cow!! That's a lot of follicles! (Like you don't already know that!) I was thinking the same thing as Michele said because at least with the frozen eggs, you have some control in how many embryos you have--may make decision making easier. Then again, you may have that many follicles, but how many are mature may be significantly different. In the meantime, it's just important that you take care of yourself, and do just as you are--following doctor's orders!
    I thought I responded yesterday, and it really is a moot point since retrieval is tomorrow, but last year, we had a freak snowstorm that dumped two feet of snow on us in March and the power went out right before my trigger shot! I was about 15 minutes out with trying to find a candle, mix it, etc...and my REs were not really too concerned at all. I am sure your retrieval is going to go wonderfully, and can't wait to hear all the fertilization reports!
    Lots of prayers!!!!

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  13. Wishing you the very best with everything. I know it is a lot to go through. Thinking of you.

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  14. I haven't stopped by for a few weeks and am so happy to hear you've made it to this point and the numbers are looking great! Praying for you...

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  15. Thinking of you and praying that all goes very well!! I so want you to have a baby (or 2) at home :)
    xo
    Ashley

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  16. Crossing my fingers for all those upcoming dates (especially today) and hope all will go smoooth for you. xoxo

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  17. praying so hard for you today!!

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  18. Wishing, praying and believing for a beautiful outcome. ((HUGSS)

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  19. This is very exciting! Thinking of you and crossing all of my fingers and toes! - Cheryl Z.

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  20. Fingers crossed. Love and hugs.

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  21. I'll keep both fingers crossed and say prayers for you! I hope everything goes well!

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  22. Thinking about you today....I held the little gifts in my hands that I intend to give your new baby(s) as soon as they are here! This is one babyloss mama that is rooting for you with all my heart. This is YOUR time......((HUG))

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  23. I can't wait to find out .... how many eggs... how many fertalized.. So excited for you. Also - Just in case it happens. I did hyperstim... It was very painful. I ended up in the hospital overnight. becuase of the Hyperstim we were not able to do a "fresh" transfer.. I had to wait 2 months and go in for a FET (frozen transfer) My body tollerated the frozen cycle much better and we got pregnant with Joseph. Just thought I would let you know - becuse of the hyper Stim we were able to freeze 24 Embryo!!! I still have 9 left and really should not have to do any Stim drugs again. Turned out to be a blessing. Thinking of you!!! GO BABIES GO

    Brandy

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