Monday, March 29, 2010

My nightmare...

Last night I went to sleep feeling very optimistic. Our appointment yesterday with the RE went very well, and he told us that my estrogen levels are rising, but remaining under control, and that my follicles are maturing nicely, many of them in the 11, 12, and 13 range (whatever that means.) He anticipates retrieval for the end of this week. After our appointment, I spent a peaceful day with hubs, and we even took in a movie (Bounty Hunter- don't bother). All of these things should have contributed to a restful sleep for me last night, but rest was not in the cards.

I found myself caught in a dream. A very vivid and cruel dream that, though I tried to break free of it, held its grip on me, making waking very difficult. You ever have those dreams, where you know you are sleeping, you know it is a dream, but still you stay stuck?

In my dream I was a nurse. After Peyton died I had felt this deep desire to go to nursing school and help other sick little babies. This lasted about five minutes until I realized that the prospect of seeing another child turn blue and die before me was one I couldn't live with.

I dreamt that it was my first day out of nursing school and I had been assigned to work on the floor of the hospital where Peyton spent her life. I walked from room to room, recognizing the familiar faces of the staff, and as I observed them caring for other patients, I grew more and more anxious. Things, blatant things that I had learned in nursing school about caring for patients, were being completely overlooked.

I became like a crazy person, flailing my arms wildly, and pointing out these missing and crucial steps in care to the doctors and nurses. I was saying things like, "You did this with Peyton too, I know you did. How could you have overlooked this with my child? She was just a little baby! Couldn't you see that? She wasn't a normal kid battling Leukemia. She needed special care!"

The staff just stared back at me blankly, or rolled their eyes, or waved me off with their hands in disgust. They told me I didn't know what I was talking about, and called my accusations "ludicrous." The more they dismissed me, the louder I got, desperate to be heard, and the louder I screamed, the less attention they paid to me.

When my energy was spent, and I could scream no more, I fell over against the wall and onto the floor exhausted. "Can't you see?" I was begging, grabbing at the staff's legs as they passed. "Can't you see that your neglect killed her?"

The staff ignored me, shuffling by as if I wasn't even there. It was clear that my words had fallen on deaf ears as they continued going about business as usual, ignoring me as I laid, manic, in a sobbing heap at their feet.

"You needed to do more..." I kept repeating, "I should have known that... I should have made you do a better job. She came here to get well. I should have made you do more."

Today marks 543 days since Peyton left this world. 543 days, and this dream has me wondering, if not at 543 days, then when?

When will the second guessing end?


  1. wow, Kristen, what a nightmare. I am so sorry. I don't know that the second guessing ever leaves. I can only hope it does one day. Thinking of you, XO

  2. I'm so sorry you had such a horrible dream. I pray you have sweet dreams tonight. *hugs*

  3. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't think the 2nd guessing ever really stops. It is human nature to second guess things. Especially things that didn't have the outcome we wanted. I wish I could take your pain away even for a little bit. Stay strong and know that everything that could have been done for her was done.


  4. What a horrible, gut wrenching dream, I am so sorry! I have one I keep having that my 4 year old is dead (we never find out why) and in the dream he is in a blue lined coffin with a train on the inside lid. His lips are sewed shut like Adelle's were, with the same powder on his face. I wake up horrified and the whole day is always shot.
    Praying for relief from your nightmare

  5. It's been 525 days since my tiny George died and was born and I am sometimes astounded at how hard grief can still hit. Especially with a "what if..."

    Hang on to the optimism.


  6. Oh sweetie, it is so very hard to avoid second guessing. I did that all the time with my losses and none of mine were of the magnitude of your loss of Peyton. Lots of {{{hugs}}} and prayers for peace of mind.

  7. oh, I'm so sorry for the horrible nightmare. Those types of dreams--where even if you wake up and are lucky enough to fall back asleep only to be RIGHT BACK where you woke up--they are awful.
    I don't know that anyone can answer when second guessing ends. I'm sure the 'counseling correct' answer is when you come to acceptance, but even then I doubt it. I think that term, acceptance, is just dumb. You wake up every morning without your child. What choice do you have BUT to accept that? It's how you deal with it each day, I guess.
    I don't even know if second guessng DOES end. And I'm so sorry for that. I wish so desperately it was different.
    Something maybe to think about--last year when we started the drugs for Matthew's cycle, I was told that I would probably have some wild dreams--the hormones really did something to your sleep patterns and dreams. I never experienced it, but a lot of people going through IF treatments have said they have.

    I'm excited about your new hope though--and your retrieval and transfer coming up! Just wait until you start getting calls for your fertilization reports and you hear about how the embryos are coming along. It's really amazing. Keeping you lifted in all of it and praying for some deep and restful sleep.

  8. I hope you never have a nightmare like that or anything related to that ever again, Im so so sorry. Hugs, Nan xxxooo

  9. what an awful experience for you kristen, i have only dreamt of harvey once and in the dream i forgot i had had a baby and was pushing a pram with someone elses baby's thinking they were mine. then i realised they belonged to someone else and i remembered harvey and wondered where i had left him. i heard a noise and looked down and he was on the floor and people were walking on him and he made little cry sounds each time it happened, then i woke up. i feel like i didn't do enough to save harvey, but i know there wasn't anything i could have done as i'm sure there was nothing more you could have done either kristen. its the reality of our circumstances and it goes against every grain of our being and it sucks big time. warm hugs to you xxx anne

  10. I can relate to second guessing. Oh wow. In SA where I live only 7% of murder cases end up in a conviction. Every day I have to live with the fact that the police will not be doing anything to bring his killer to justice, our police detective has 110 murder cases on his desk. I spent 18 months second guessing. What if, what if, what if. Then I went to see a type of counsellor who said that I have lived my father's death for 18 months, he only lived it for a few seconds. She taught me to focus on the joy his life brought me, and not the horror of his death. That doesn't mean I don't grieve, it's just that I *try* to focus on him and not the why/how/what if's around his death. Easier said than done, but it was a lightbulb moment for me.

  11. Oh Kristen, Your dream gave me goosebumps all over my body & I could feel your pain so well in the pit of my stomach. I do not have any answers. Our sitaution is very different but I sencond guess my whole pregnancy with Janessa every day. What if I did this, what if I overlooked something... The what ifs eat me alive. I know you did everything you knew how to help your little girl. I would never 2nd guess my thought about you & your love for your daughter. I don't know when & if the 2nd guessing will end but I sure wish I did. I do hold onto words of others ahead of us on this path that it does lessen in time. I cling to that with all I have.

  12. Nightmares. The window into your reality that demands notice. It's the scream still caught in your throat.

    Oh sweet friend....

    Homeopathic coffee 30X sometimes helps my restless dreams of horror stay's worth a try anyway. ((HUG)) In the meantime....sending you so much love.


  13. Oh hon... I dont know that the second guessing ever ends... But it gets better.