Okay, I know that no good comes out of asking these question, but you know what? Sometimes, I can't help it. It is there, behind my forced smile screaming to be heard: "Why me? Why her? Why us?"
Last night, while flipping through the stations, I came upon an episode of the show 16 & Pregnant, and I couldn't help but wonder... WTF?!?! In the episode, an overly tanned and under-matured girl was more concerned (during the 2 minute snippit of the show that I actually watched) with drama concerning her boyfriend, than the arrival of her child, and there I sat, mouth agape, wondering... how is it that I can be such an utter failure at something that comes so easily to this immature little tart?
Yes. You heard me right. A failure.
I have failed at baby making.
I COULD NOT make a healthy baby. I CAN NOT get pregnant. There is no part of childbearing in my future that won't require surgical assistance to either implant a child into my body, or deliver one from me.
I can't help it. This feeling, This sense that I have failed miserably comes out of nowhere to overwhelm me. I used to be that person who set her mind to something and got it done. What happened to her? I can't solve this. It is bigger than me.
It breaks my heart that the act of conceiving and then pushing a child out, something that so many women jokingly complain about, is a dream out of my reach. This reality crashes down over me time and time again and I can't do anything to shield myself from the pain that comes with it. I am unable to do what my body was made to do. I am unable to perform the most basic female function.
I have been left, broken, holding the bag on this one and it feels so unfair. What makes me so goddamn undeserving...