Thursday, March 25, 2010

Focusing on the task at hand...

Thank you all for your kind messages of support these last few days. Being a loss blogger, I have come across several posts from other BLM's about mean "anonymous" comments that people have sent them, and grieving in such an open forum I half expected at some point to receive words like this from a stranger, but never, ever, from family. Both hubs and I appreciated your messages and the validation they gave to how we were feeling about this particular couple's actions.

More than forty five of you commented on my last post, and one theme seemed to be unanimous in all that you wrote - further contact with this couple will only cause more stress/pain.

Are we hurt like hell that something (someone) that was so important in our life meant nothing in theirs? Of course. That being said, hubs and I have decided that any relative who chose not to be there with us in sorrow, is not someone we want to have beside us in joy anyway (even though we are fairly certain that their response to our joy would have been equally selfish.)

I know that Jesus said to "turn the other cheek," but after the insults to my child, my husband, and myself, I am out of cheeks left to slap, so its time to turn away from these people and their hurtful words and actions altogether, and focus our full energies instead on the task at hand... making our rainbow baby(ies).

So now... onto more fun stuff.

We started Follistim injections Tuesday evening. These injections, for those of you who don't know, are subcutaneous and can be inserted into an area of the thigh, or the abdomen. We chose to do them via the abdomen because, for some reason, the idea of shooting myself in the thigh gives me the willies.

Hubs played doctor the first night, performing the injection as I laid out on the couch (like a total weenie) shielding my eyes with my hands. His reaction was something along the lines of, "wow that was harder to insert than I thought," to which I responded, "that was it?" Really, for anyone out there facing this particular injection (I can't speak for the others yet) the pain falls under the NBD class, for No Big Deal.

A few minutes after the injection, the area below my skin started to sort of burn and ache. This lasted maybe five to ten minutes, then subsided. I think that sensation must have been from the drug spreading out but am not sure.

I must have handled the whole thing pretty well, because last night hubs got invited to a Rangers hockey game, and tried to coax me to join him and do my injection in the middle of Madison Square Garden. I told him that wasn't really an idea that appealed to me, so the topic turned to whether or not I felt up to the challenge of self injection. Until I actually did it, I wasn't sure how I would handle it, but that too fell under NBD status. There was a little prick with very little pain or blood, followed a few minutes later by a burning ache.

Tuesday I had an ultrasound, and was given some good news, and some "I don't know what to do with that" news. The good news is that I have 20 follicles in one ovary, and 15 in the other, so, as the nurse explained, I am "very fertile for being so infertile." Comments like this make me mentally wave my fist at the air and yell "damn you c-section!"

The "I don't know what to do with that" news, was that my uterus, which has always been a little tipped, is now tipped and twisted. I don't really know what that means. Have any of you dealt with a twisted uterus, and if so, did it pose any issues?

Between the progesterone to start my cycle, and these injections, I have had a few side effects, mostly leg cramps and bloating, but today when I woke up, I was extremely nauseous, dizzy, and just feeling blah. The IVF nurse assured me that this is probably a bug from the constant change in weather we have been experiencing, and not something having to do with the meds. If she is right, I am hoping to feel better in the next few days.

So there you have it. More forward momentum. Sometime next week I will go in for the retrieval, and then 3 or 5 days later, return for implantation. As most of you know, getting royally kicked in the gut by the universe a few times in a row, the way we have, will leave a person lacking optimism. That being said, for some unknown reason, I feel really confident about this cycle. I am just sort of expecting that it will work. Someone told me not to get my hopes up too high, but honestly, my hopes have nowhere to go but up.

**I wanted to mention, too, how incredibly behind I am on my reading. I had some Google reader issues that seem to have remedied themselves, but now there are hundreds of posts in there. I have been going through them, just reading some, reading and commenting on others, and want you all to know that just because you may not have heard from me in a few days, does not mean you are not in my thoughts.


  1. I don't think turn the other cheek is licence to live in an abusive relationship. In Romans 12v18 it says "as far as it is possible live at peace with all men". It doesn't say you should go to impossible lengths! They owe you one serious appology if you are ever going to establish relationship again. Otherwise you have to protect yourself and those you love.

    I really hope IVF goes off without a hitch and you get pregnant. Whilst this was not a path we felt we could go down I do hope you have fantastic news soon

  2. I am sooo sorry you had to deal with this from ANYONE! For NO REASON should ANYONE ever ever ever belittle a mother's pain when she has lost a child. There is no pain akin to it and this 'family' of yours needs a good eye opener in their lives perhaps. I am absolutely apalled at their interaction with you after such a traumatic event in your life. You are better off not associating with them as much as possible. I am so sorry.

  3. Not sure what the twisted uterus means but as you were talking it reminded me of a problem I had with my first pregnancy. The doc had trouble finding bubs (with hands) because he was always to the back of me. She thought my uterus was inverted, towards the back when it should have been towards the front, (bubs later popped to the front and all is normal now.) She said it could have slowed down my getting pregnant as positioning during sex would been important. *Ahem.* So be creative. Try lots of different possies.

  4. I missed yesterdays post because I've been sick but I am absolutely stunned at the self-centered insensitivity of those relatives.

    That said, I am excited to hear you are responding so well to the meds. Hope the rest of this cycle is filled with positive news.

  5. re: twisted uterus: okay, this may sound a little out there and in the category of "wacky things my aunt jane told me would help me have a baby" but -

    you could check out something called maya abdominal massage, or arvigo massage. it is a form of uterine massage that helps to reposition the womb. i know it has been used with a lot of success in women with prolapse probs, my mom included.

    my fave thing about it is - you can go for a session and have a therapist work on you, and then ask her to teach her to do it to yourself at home. so it's just a one-time expense, not a big commitment. i've had it done and seriously did feel my uterus "move over," so to speak. :)

    thinking of you as your new journey begins. xo

  6. I am glad you decided to walk away from them. Right now you seriously have better things to worry about like I said yesterday.
    I am so happy to hear that so far you have been doing well with the injections. I hate needles so that idea makes me crindge a little but if it came down to it I would want to have the strength to face it like you. I am praying that everything goes your way the first time around. You deserve this little miracle. Keep thinking positively!!! Big ((hugs)) to you!

  7. I'm glad to hear that you are going to put those insensitive louts where they the curb.

    Good luck with this cycle. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed and saying lots of prayers for you.

  8. I'm glad that you have decided to move forward and focus on your future. That is what you should do. Stay positive and be around those who are positive.

    As for the flipped uterus.... I took care of patients who had them and I know that they can cause fertility problems. Most women who have them are born with them. I honestly do not think it will be a problem with the IVF other than give you discomfort like backaches. I only used to be a LPN so don't quote me on it. There are exercises you can do to help tilt the uterus in the right direction to help with the discomfort.

  9. Yay for forward momentum! :) I don't comment often, but I wanted you to know that I think of you often. Whenever you post a new blog, I rush to read the updates....hoping and praying for good news :) Although I haven't walked in your exact shoes, I know how it feels to lose your only child and to just want so badly to be a mother to a child once again. Thinking of and praying for you!

  10. I think it's okay to take a break from turning the other cheek and step out of range entirely for a while! :)

    I'm excited for you about your IVF - you sound like you're handling the injections like a pro!

  11. Hey there - I was thinking of you today as I took a walk around my neighborhood. You may not realize it, but you really have started to heal, or at least not be so "raw." I can't remember the last time your posts were down and out, speaking of spending all your day every day up on the hill. You still hit those bumps and frustrations; hell, we all do. But you have learned to take them in stride and keep looking forward while bringing fragile memories with you as comfort as opposed to a burden. People with negativity clearly aren't worth concerning yourself with, or that pessimism will just rain down on you.

    Also, I am AMAZED that you can self-inject and not pass out doing so. And way to go on being The Incredible Fertile Infertile Infallible Woman!!! You and big D are in my thoughts and prayers, as always. xo

  12. Holy follicles, Batman! That's GREAT! You must be a great responder to the medicine! I'm glad you are doing ok with the shots too...sometimes our anticipation is the worst, I think. I think it's funny that you do stomach because I WAY preferred my thigh--it just seemed easier than my gut! Of course, my thighs got bruised, so I went to stomach also,'re right, all in all, they aren't too bad.

    As for the tilted/tipped uterus--I also have a slightly tipped uterus. It really isn't a big deal with IVF because in the transfer, they are putting the embryos right where they need to be. For trying to conceive on one's own, sometimes it could be problematic, but my RE told gave me the analogy that IVF was like taking a plane to Paris vs. need to worry about the water temperature, the sharks, the distance, the work--you're on a direct flight to the center of Paris with IVF (or you embryos are!) and they'll be delievered just fine.

    So excited for you...and as for those people--Jesus did say we needed to turn the other cheek and forgive, but He didn't say we needed to keep letting them sin against us. Forgiveness is one thing--allowing people to repeatedly hurt you is not in the realm of forgiveness--they don't have the right to hurt you. Period.
    Excited for this cycle for you!!!

  13. Thanks for this, I'm poopie scared of needles, so hearing from someone who had her hands over eyes during the first one and then said it's NBD helps me TREMENDOUSLY.

    The uterus thing - they've done the test run on the embryo transfer, that's all you need to worry about. Done and dusted, all taken care of.

    Woohoo, good luck, watching with bated breath!

  14. good news! I hope it keeps getting better!!

  15. Just saw yesterday's post today- I agree with all your commenters- there is no reason to ask these people into your life. They are sooo selfish to think that they know how to handle grief when they have never been there. We had a similar situation with one of the grandfathers who didn't call for 5 months after the funeral and then only to complain about his back problems! Soo glad to hear that IVF is moving forward and will keep positive thoughts flowing your way!

  16. So hopeful for you sweet girl..Im praying xxxooo

  17. hi my name is anne, i lost my 13 month old son "harvey" about 2 months ago from a degenerative neurological disorder and have just begun my needles for ivf too, today was my first one actually. and i did it in the thigh as my tummy skin seemed too sensitive. dh is calling them easter eggs as they are growing around the time of easter. this is my first post to you. i feel very conflicted about my new beginnings .... happy, glad to have something else to focus on, sad that harvey isn't here to meet his brother or sister, guilty that i am trying to move forward . i thin khe hormones are making me super emotional too. thanks for being here xxx anne

  18. Good for you. I don't think turning the other cheek means you have to keep negative people in your life. I believe it simply means do no harm. It is not harmful to simply remove the negative from you life. In fact it will do you good. God Bless! *hugs*