Last night I had a dream that I had another c-section. I don't know what the outcome was, but I imagine not so good because I woke up panicked, grabbing at my stomach. It was devastating. I imagine the events and conversations from last week didn't help matters.
By Wednesday when I still hadn't heard from my Doc, who we will call Dr. X. I called and spoke to a receptionist. I told her I needed to speak with Dr. X about my test results and where to go from here. She gave me some line about the test not having been sent over yet from the Hospital. This struck me as odd since the test was done in the hospital where Dr. X works. I said, "They already told me the results, they told me that an infection destroyed my tubes." Her reaction, "Oh, they did?" Me, "Yes, they did. I need to know what my next steps are." She told me she would call me back, and when she did it was to tell me to try to reach Dr. X or her secretary the next day. I don't know the last time I felt so much like I was getting the run around.
On Thursday I called again, asked for Dr. X, and was put through to her direct secretary. "Dr. X says not to worry too much. That it might have been just a muscle spasm." I explained to her that during the test, the two Doctors performing the test had completely ruled out the possibility of muscle spasm. "Oh... they told you that?" Was all she could say. "Yes, they told me that."
I was so upset. Don't these people know what holding out hope for something like a muscle spasm could do to a person?
I saw the look in the Doctor's eyes when she gave me the news after performing the HSG. She saw me collapse and cry, she saw how desperate and upset I was. No doctor would let a person leave the hospital in that condition over a f*cking muscle spasm!
The secretary went on to say, "Dr. X wants your husband to complete the sperm test and we will go from there, maybe referring you on to a specialist." I asked her what the point would be in having my husband spend $300 to shoot in a cup, when we know the issue is with me. Not for nothing but my husband has gotten me pregnant twice (the miscarriage, and Peyton) both on the first try. If all my tests had come back normal I might have more seriously questioned his little swimmers, but seeing as how we got the results that we got, it seemed an awful waste of $300, not to mention delaying us moving forward towards finding a solution for my scarred/blocked tube situation.
"As for her referral," I said, "I already made an appointment for next week with the Fertility Specialist." "Oh, okay, good." She said. "Well than I don't think you will have to see Dr. X at all. Call me tomorrow with the Fertility Specialist's fax number, and I will send your records right over."
That night I was very hesitant to share with hubs my phone conversation. "There is something I have to tell you," I said, "Dr. X said maybe I was in spasm and that's why the results showed the way they did. I didn't want to tell you this because I don't want your hopes up for nothing. I was in that room. I heard the two Doctors talking about muscle spasms, and then finally ruling it out. I don't know why she would even say this." He said he wouldn't get his hopes up, but I could see in his eyes that he did.
Friday I called with the fax number for the Fertility Specialist and spoke with Dr. X's direct secretary again. "I'm sorry," she said, "I spoke with Dr. X and she said you were right. It definitely was not a muscle spasm. She doesn't want you to think she's slacking its just she hadn't had a chance to really discuss the results with the Doctors who performed the test yet."
Hadn't had the chance? It had been nearly two weeks!
I was so angry. Where was the sense of urgency?
Dr. X once told me that I was the only patient she had ever had carry a baby to term and then lose in infancy. It really hurt me that after all the pain that she has seen losing Peyton cause for myself and my husband, after having witnessed the aftermath of something like that, that she couldn't pick up the phone and be straight with me about what was going on. On the day of the HSG I was told that Dr. X would call me the next day to discuss. To this day, I still haven't heard from her.
Hubs and I go to meet with the Fertility Specialist this Friday, to see what, if anything, can be done. It sounds like the first step is to perform a surgery through my belly button to assess the scarring. Some people with slight scarring have minimal and/or short term success with a roto-rooter, for lack of a better word, type surgery. There are increased risks of ectopic pregnancy, and a slew of other issues involved, but that may be one possibility.
From what I have read, and based on what had been told to me during the HSG, it sounds like IVF would likely be proposed as the only option. I think the roto-rooter thing also checks to make sure my eggs haven't been affected by the infection too. Lets keep our fingers crossed on that one big time.
All of this is speculation of course, since I haven't been afforded the luxury of speaking with any Doctors since my HSG.
Two nights ago, I was standing at the counter sort of spacing out, totally lost in thought. Hubs asked what I was thinking about, "Oh, nothing" I said. But that wasn't true, I just couldn't bare to tell him.
It was like I was frozen, overwhelmed by images and memories of all that has happened in these first few years of our marriage. I could see myself, how it used to feel to be hopeful. How happy I once was. Not in the "put a smile on for the benefit of others" way that I have become so accustomed to, but really, truly happy. We had had all these plans. We were gonna have a big family. What happened to us?
Sometimes I feel so weighed down by all of the grief, sadness, and disappointment of these last 16 months. I used to really be on track. The future used to feel so bright. Now I feel like a walking tragedy, a one trick pony, a broken record. I just don't know how I can heal, or move forward with my life, if I remain stuck in a place full of sorrow and loss.
Please, please keep us in your prayers for there to be some hope, some door or window for us to find that has been left open. Please pray that we can do what we set out to do some two and a half years, and two pregnancies ago. Please pray that we can have a healthy family.
*** A few side notes.***
1) Thank you to all who prayed for my cousin's baby Faith Margaret through her last open heart surgery and hospitalization. I saw Faith last week, and she is doing amazingly well. I know all those positive vibes you sent her way did the trick.
2) Thank you to all who sent their email information for the writer doing the story on this blog. I forwarded all of your info directly to him. I am not sure how many people he is going to be speaking with directly, but know a few of you have already heard from him. The outpouring was amazing, and he has informed me that he has enough people now for his story, so thank you very much.