Friday, January 22, 2010

My 100th Post...

Okay, that is a lie. This is actually my 124th post, but somewhere between grief, infertility, and the holidays, post number 100 got lost in the mix.

I feel the need to celebrate this blog and this community which have meant so much to me. What better way to celebrate in blog world than to do a little giveaway, right?

My mother in law was kind enough to donate these absolutely beautiful little angels for me to share with my readers. There is a pink one...

and a white one...

As always, my photography skills don't do them justice. They are just so delicate. I think they would be a nice addition to any memory box, but really you could use them for anything.

If you would like to be entered in the giveaway, just leave the word "angel" with your comment below. I will do two drawings on Sunday evening, that way everyone in all time zones can participate. Happy Give Awaying!


So now down to business. We went to our first IVF seminar last night. It was a two and a half hour talk about the medical and emotional side of IVF. I have to tell you, I was pretty annoyed at the number of fathers in that room who were complaining about having to go to the seminar, or playing on their i-phones the whole time. I mean, in the grand scheme of IVF, the men have it pretty easy. A few specimens, and that's it. There were these few guys who laughed every time the word "sperm" was said, I mean come on, really? Man 30 has made me a real old coot!

There is a lot to think about with IVF, what to do with the embryos that don't get implanted, for one. As well as if we would be open to a few processes called ICSI (sticking a sperm directly into the egg) or assisted hatching (where they break the shell of the egg away if it is not doing it on it's own.) Something about the romance of creating a child really gets lost in the IVF process. That being said, I am still grateful for the process, it gives us a chance at having our own kids, a door that would have been totally closed for us because of my tube situation.

They discussed with us the side effects of the medications, and walked through all the steps that we will take on this journey. Lots of poking. Even more prodding. That's okay though, if I have to be treated like cattle to get to some healthy rainbow baby(s), that is fine by me. I have to admit though, some of the details did make me feel like I was in a twilight zone episode or something. It is very hard to wrap my head around making a baby in a test tube, then putting it in me, or that they can make an embryo from us, then leave it on ice for years until we want to use it. What happens to the embryo? What are they feeling? These were all the things going through my head.

This seminar is done twice a month for couples starting on this process. The clinic we are going through is the largest in our state, and I was blown away by the fact that there were probably forty couples there. That means roughly eighty couples a month come through this clinic to start this process. They said they do 1000 transfers a year. Once you are in it, isn't it amazing how big the ALI community around you seems to be?

I had a few commenters on an earlier post ask me why it was so expensive for the first round of IVF. There are a few reasons, probably not the least of which is where we live. This is a very expensive state. I used to work in occupational health, and when our clinic in Minnesota would charge $20 for something, say a drug test, the same clinic in our state charged $68. I am sure that has something to do with the price.

My understanding too, from what the financial people have told me, is that the first is most expensive because that cost involves lots of one time testing that is done to get you ready ahead of time, the medications, and the extraction of and freezing of eggs. I have been told that should they get more than enough eggs (this is not a given so we will have to wait and see) they can then freeze them, and if we had to go through more than one round because this round didn't work, or we wanted to try for more children in the future, it would be a less expensive process because they would already have the eggs so that cost on medications to increase my number of eggs, and for the extractions would be cut out. I am really, really praying that this works for us.

So this morning the hubs went in for his first portion of the process. Like a soldier heading off to war, he left here today, cup in hand, to do the less than glamorous work of giving a specimen while in the doctor's office. He was great about it though, donning a very brave face. I think if I had to do that, it might feel a little awkward. I have enough trouble handing over urine specimens without feeling sorry for the person who has to take them. Poor hubs, he really wanted to do it here and transport it, but it is SO COLD outside, we didn't know that he would be able to keep the cup at body temp for the half hour drive.

He told me that the experience was a little weird, but not too bad. He said they put him in a room with a couch (covered by a paper sheet haha), some porno mags and a tv. Like a very sterile motel room I would imagine. Now that he has done that deed, I think he is safe for a while.

Today I go in for some day two hormone testing. I think once that is done, and all my records are sent over from my doctor and the hospital that performed the HSG, we just wait for someone to tell us our next steps. I have to admit, even though I don't know where this is going, how, or when, it feels really nice to have some next steps.

PS... thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes, and for those of you who commented on that pic of Peyton. I love it too. Haha she really did look like she was up to something or making some type of plan. I like to think of what she was thinking about when she would put her hand under her chin. She was my very own mini version of "The Thinker."

For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, here is that picture...

What a little beauty you were Peyton. I love you my sweet girl, and miss you in a way that no words typed here could ever really do justice to...


  1. I am wishing you luck and sending you love during this IVF process. I am hoping for your angel, Peyton, to become a big sister.

  2. Grown men snicker at the word sperm really makes me feel sorry for their wives. IVF is so hard and I can't imagine going through it with someone that immature. /end of mini rant

    There's a whole community of women out there going through IVF and I'm sure you'll find some blogs to follow along with.

    Just know we are thinking of you and we have our fingers crossed that soon you'll be expecting another baby. No one will ever replace Peyton, I know that. Believe me. But I do hope you find yourself with a baby in your arms for keeps sooner rather than later.


  3. "angel"

    Dear one...

    I have this image in my mind that says that the whole process would seem more natural to both of you if instead of porns, you were allowed to go into the room harvest together. In other words....a very natural act, ending in a cup. All that love you two feel for each other and your life is so precious. However, doctors haven't become that aware yet. . .and I am so very prayerful about your motherhood journey.

    I have a dear friend...who has a teenage daughter who was implanted. They tried to make it as sexy, and loving as they could...and have always been grateful for understanding doctors. Fight for your right to make this journey loving, memorable and humorous. This is your life...your baby(s).

    Thinking of you with everlasting fondness!

  4. Hello.. I am a friend of a friend of your cousin Erica's and I have been reading your blog for about a month or so. You should be proud of yourself for being able to share your emotional journey with us all. You are a very strong person and I pray for you and your family. My sister is running the Team in Training 1/2 marathon next weekend and I would love for her to wear one of the angels for Peyton! Angel!

  5. I'm sorry I'm late with my birthday wishes,but better late than never, I hope.
    It's good to hear you are taking steps with the IVF, I'm holding you close in my thoughts and wishing all the very best for you. x

  6. I hope that you only need one IVF cycle to get your dream come true. I really do. *hugs*

  7. Angel

    Praying for your rainbow baby! I could only imagine what you are going through, thinking of you!

  8. I am praying that all works out for you during this time and thoughts about IVF. I will be praying that the Lord bless you with the income and needs to do this and makes your little Peyton angel a BIG SISTER soon! Lord Bless you in all that you do!

  9. "angel"

    I'm thinking happy thoughts for you and IVF process. I really want you to have your rainbow baby and I'll be praying that you have one! You have been through so much and are so strong!

  10. I think I would have snapped and said something to those juvenile men at the IVF meeting.

    I'm glad that taking the next step is making you feel a bit better. I hope and pray you have wonderful luck with your first cycle.

    And, I do love that pic of Peyton.

  11. Hoping that this process is worth all the work down the road for you. I know you will agree that it is worth it when you are holding that precious little rainbow baby!

    And Peyton, IS beautiful, not was. She still is, and always will be. What a precious little angel.

  12. I am so excited you are going forward with IVF Kristin. I know that the measures you are taking to have a child can be emotionally and physically exhausting but the end result will be so worth it! And you're so right, Peyton is such a little beauty, I just love the picture. Hugs

  13. I have been through IVF - Akul was an IVF baby. I am praying for you. Many hugssssss.

  14. I am glad that this process has begun and your DH is a great man! I think I would have a hard time too, but if that is what it takes, its all worth it! I love the picture of Peyton, deep in thought with that gorgeous smile! Thinking of her too. ((hugs))


  15. Angel

    I'm glad that you were able to attend an IVF seminar. We didn't have that option, and I wish we did. DH would have learnt a lot from it and would probably have a better idea of what to expect and understand how much we women have to endure to make our dreams of having our baby. I am tired of explaining everything to him, and doing most of the researching on my own. A little more support from him would be nice =)

    You mentioned being in MN. Are you still there? I am hoping to meet up with other ALI/IVF women. Let me know if you are interested. You can email me at

  16. I really like Sara/Emerging Butterly's idea. Definately something worth bringing up should you need more. I can sense the love you two have for eachother, regardless of how this baby is conceived. You two are creating this child together out of love - something that nobody else can ultimately take credit for but the two of you.

    I love your picture of Peyton. She looks so wise there. I can see how content she was in that moment, knowing she was safe and loved in her mama's arms.

    Sending you lots of love and strength. I would love to have a chance at winning one of your beautiful angels, too. Your MIL sounds like a very sweet and caring person, you're very fortunate to have such a supportive family. ((hugs))

  17. My birthday wishes seem to have been eaten up by blogger! No fair :)

    Happy, happy belated birthday my dear and may your thirties bring you much peace and happiness. I remember having very similar thoughts on my own 30th back in May. All those plans eh?

    I love this photograph of Peyton. She has such an expressive face and she looks lost in thought in this picture. Sweet girl.

    I hope that the seminar was helpful for you and your hubs xo

  18. Happy 100th+ post! :) Here's too many more!

    I just love that pic of Peyton. She's gorgeous in every one, but that one is really so cute.

  19. Wishing you so much love and luck, Krissy! Go, go, go. Also, as much as it pains me to imagine loved ones making love, uuhhh, I. Second. Emerging Butterfly's idea. It'd be a fun and memorable adventure.

    (There. There, I said it.)

    Is it wrong of me to laugh at Dru's mission? I'm so sorry...

  20. Your story continues to pull at my heart strings. I simply cannot imagine walking in your shoes for the last 17 months. I wish you and your husband all the luck in the world as you begin the IVF process. I also wanted to wish you a happy birthday - I am glad that it was a good day for you!

  21. I love all the pictures, the angels (angels are my favourite thing) and what an incredibly cute picture of Peyton!

    On the IVF thing - it amazes me that even when science intervenes, all men have to do is have an orgasm! Ok maybe in less natural circumstances, but still!

    I found out in about September last year that we would be going this route (probably) and the left over embryo thing is also a concern for me. I'm not happy about freezing them either. Or ICSI for that matter! But I must say, the more I've learned about it the more comfortable I am with it all. You can speak to your Doc and ask him not to fertilise all the eggs immediately etc, and also, find out about a VERY new process called PICSI which actually ensures that the sperm that gets injected is a "winner" and not just a random guy.

    Good luck. I hope IVF number one is a huge big success!

    Oh yes - ANGEL!

  22. angel :)

    Wow there are so many things about IVF that I didn't know. I didn't really think it would be so much... work. Then again, most people don't think about things like that unless they're faced with it, just like losing a baby. No one ever thinks about it unless it's happened to them, or someone they care about.
    Sending good thoughts and happy rainbow baby feelings your way; I hope this is a success!

  23. Well, belated happy birthday!

    I am so happy that a seminar of that kind is held by your clinic. But nobody would be sitting there unless they were in that kind of trouble, and to have people playing games on their cell phone, or treating the session so casually, is so awful on their part. I am sorry for the women involved.

    Well, expensive or not, I think it is more critical about how good the clinic is. All the very best!

  24. Happy Belated 30th!

    This pic of Peyton is adorable. She really is so cute cuddled up like that ;) WIshing you lots of success with the IVF. Keep hanging in there, and don't give up hope. I think its safe to say your readers have hope for you too.

  25. The angels are beautiful. I think I am going to have a give-a-way for my 100th post.
    Good luck with the IVF> I am praying you get your rainbow.