Today is my last day as a twenty something.
I remember when I turned 26, lying in bed and crying that I was closer to thirty than twenty. When I think of that now, it makes me want to roll my eyes at the old me.
Most 29 year olds would probably be sorry to see the big 3-0 looming, but honestly, Good Riddance! Scram! Get Lost! (Yes, I did just tell my twenties to scram. See, I am sounding older by the second.)
To be fair to my twenties, the first 7 years of this decade were wonderful to me. I met and married my hubby, gained a new family in my in-laws, bought a home, settled in nicely to a good career, had two nieces come into this world, and welcomed another into my heart, made amazing new friends, and strengthened the bond with old ones. At twenty seven, the world was my oyster and life seemed ready for the taking. I had no idea what was coming. Believe me when I say, ignorance was bliss!
The last few years of this decade... well, you know that story, and if you don't, here is the Reader's Digest version: miscarriage, birth of first child, loss of first child to leukemia, loss of sense of self, depression, discovery of infertility, Happy New Year!
Really, if you want more details about that you will have to click that little previous posts link on the sidebar and catch up, because it's a little too much of a downer for me to rehash on my birthday post.
Tomorrow brings a new chapter to my life, and I am starting that chapter from a place I could never have imagined standing. When I was crying in my bed as a twenty six year old, I thought for sure I would have my children by now. I didn't know about this place, where perfectly healthy mommas in secure, loving homes, do all they can to bring perfectly healthy babies into this world, but go on to lose them anyway. No I didn't know about this place. Not really. Not in a way that did it any justice.
When I was younger I planned everything out, a 2 year plan, a 5 year plan, a 10 year plan. A big part of that plan was to have all of my kids before I hit this thirty year mark. Making this plan, was in itself a silly plan, with even sillier reasoning behind it. I always thought I want to be a young mom so that I can relate to my kids. Or If I have them young, my body will bounce right back! Or my favorite, As long as I have them young, they will be healthy and normal.
Thinking back on it, I don't know if I was an idiot, or naive, or both.
If these last few years have taught me anything, it is that you never know what the next day has in store for you, or which direction it is going to take you. That being said, I honestly feel like wherever life takes me, there is nowhere to go from here, but up. So that's what I am going to wish for this year. That we will begin to move forward/up. That the things that have felt so impossible will once again feel within the realm of possibility, and that the hopes and dreams that I long for so deeply in my heart, will come to be for us and bring with them a lasting joy.
There are a couple of quotes stirring through my mind tonight, on this, the eve of my thirties. Each of these has brought something significant into my heart as this new dawn approaches for me, and I hope that in sharing them, they do the same for you in your respective situations.
This one I read at a natural foods shop earlier today:
Just when the caterpillar thinks the world has ended, it becomes a butterfly. -Unknown
And this is one I keep above my mantle, just next to sweet Peyton's picture to keep me going when this journey feels insurmountable:
It's never too late to be what you might have been.-George Elliot
Here's to new hope and endless possibilities in the future for us all!
****A SIDE NOTE: PLEASE READ****