Tuesday, January 19, 2010

On a new decade...thoughts on turning 30

Today is my last day as a twenty something.

I remember when I turned 26, lying in bed and crying that I was closer to thirty than twenty. When I think of that now, it makes me want to roll my eyes at the old me.

Most 29 year olds would probably be sorry to see the big 3-0 looming, but honestly, Good Riddance! Scram! Get Lost! (Yes, I did just tell my twenties to scram. See, I am sounding older by the second.)

To be fair to my twenties, the first 7 years of this decade were wonderful to me. I met and married my hubby, gained a new family in my in-laws, bought a home, settled in nicely to a good career, had two nieces come into this world, and welcomed another into my heart, made amazing new friends, and strengthened the bond with old ones. At twenty seven, the world was my oyster and life seemed ready for the taking. I had no idea what was coming. Believe me when I say, ignorance was bliss!

The last few years of this decade... well, you know that story, and if you don't, here is the Reader's Digest version: miscarriage, birth of first child, loss of first child to leukemia, loss of sense of self, depression, discovery of infertility, Happy New Year!

Really, if you want more details about that you will have to click that little previous posts link on the sidebar and catch up, because it's a little too much of a downer for me to rehash on my birthday post.

Tomorrow brings a new chapter to my life, and I am starting that chapter from a place I could never have imagined standing. When I was crying in my bed as a twenty six year old, I thought for sure I would have my children by now. I didn't know about this place, where perfectly healthy mommas in secure, loving homes, do all they can to bring perfectly healthy babies into this world, but go on to lose them anyway. No I didn't know about this place. Not really. Not in a way that did it any justice.

When I was younger I planned everything out, a 2 year plan, a 5 year plan, a 10 year plan. A big part of that plan was to have all of my kids before I hit this thirty year mark. Making this plan, was in itself a silly plan, with even sillier reasoning behind it. I always thought I want to be a young mom so that I can relate to my kids. Or If I have them young, my body will bounce right back! Or my favorite, As long as I have them young, they will be healthy and normal.

Thinking back on it, I don't know if I was an idiot, or naive, or both.

If these last few years have taught me anything, it is that you never know what the next day has in store for you, or which direction it is going to take you. That being said, I honestly feel like wherever life takes me, there is nowhere to go from here, but up. So that's what I am going to wish for this year. That we will begin to move forward/up. That the things that have felt so impossible will once again feel within the realm of possibility, and that the hopes and dreams that I long for so deeply in my heart, will come to be for us and bring with them a lasting joy.

There are a couple of quotes stirring through my mind tonight, on this, the eve of my thirties.  Each of these has brought something significant into my heart as this new dawn approaches for me, and I hope that in sharing them, they do the same for you in your respective situations.

This one I read at a natural foods shop earlier today:
Just when the caterpillar thinks the world has ended, it becomes a butterfly. -Unknown

And this is one I keep above my mantle, just next to sweet Peyton's picture to keep me going when this journey feels insurmountable:
It's never too late to be what you might have been.-George Elliot 

Here's to new hope and endless possibilities in the future for us all!


Today I received an empty envelope addressed to me at home, no return address, with a Jan. 15 postmark from Osh Kosh WI. I would really hate to think someone meant to send something and it never made it here :(

If anyone knows anything about this, please email me at doinggoodinhername(at)gmail(dot)com. Thanks!


  1. Happy 'out of the 20's' birthday tomorrow.
    I feel the same way about my 20's... I"ll be out of them in 1 year!

  2. Thinking of you as you move to the next decade of your life. And I don't think I have said it before but I love your blog header and button. Peyton is just so beautiful xxxx

  3. Sigh...I can TOTALLY relate to this post. I too had a plan. Having grown up with a mother who was thirty years older than I and stuck in the fifties, I felt absolutely sure I would have my children young. I hated to think that my kids would grow up not being able to relate to me or I to them. Boy was I wrong. Distastrous relationship of nine years that led to a marriage that lasted less than two, being single in my thirtieth year, meeting my current husband, dating and getting married and then trying to have children. We tried and tried and tried for so long and lost so many babies along the way I was sure I would never fulfill my dream of motherhood. Here I am now, turning thirty-nine this year with two beautiful daughters but still longing for more children. I feel the angst you have at not feeling like things are turning out the way you had them planned in your mind. You have so much more time ahead of you to make your family. I became a first time mother at thirty-four and a second time mother at thirty seven. I think you are so lucky to be standing on the threshold of your thirtieth birthday with so much time and opportunity ahead of you. I'm so glad you're looking ahead to better and brighter things, like I've said many, many times, you are too wonderful of a mother and have too much love to give to go through life childless. You will find your way through the darkness and we will all be here to support you in every way we can. Wishing you peace and love on your birthday Kristin, may all your dreams come true.

  4. I second your 'here's to new hope'.

    I have a friend who's told me numerous times that it is so much easier for her to hope for me than it is for her to hope for herself. I think we all must struggle with this.

    I am incredibly hopeful for you. In the times when it is hard to look forward, hold onto the hope that others are feeling for you and praying for you.

    Happy birthday. May this year be one of your very best.


  5. When I look back at my plans I feel so foolish too. You weren't an idiot, you had no way of knowing. You were naive, but we all were. Wishing you a happier decade filled with hope and filled dreams.


  6. Plans have a way of making us look silly, don't they? I never would have imagined I would be a part of this world, this world of baby loss mama's. I never really knew it exsisted, and never wanted to be a part of it.
    Here's to your 30's being about dreams coming true...

  7. I feel more like a butterfly who thinks the world has ended. I wonder what happens then? Hugssss to you and I hope your 30s bring you a beautiful healthy baby who will live a full healthy life.

  8. Hey, I was one of those naive 20 somethings and I'm only 23!

    I hope this decade brings you closer to your goals, to raising a live baby instead of being just a babylost momma.

  9. i turn 30 this year too. and i really wanted to "have" a baby by the time i was 30.

    i cant quite decide if i've accomplished that or not?

    i never once wished anyone merry christmas or happy new year. in fact, that may be the first time i even typed the words. so i cant wish you HB. i hope you understand. it doesnt mean im not thinking of you or dont care about you. it just means that i know you cant ever be happy like you probably once were. so i wont say it.

    i just hope our 30s dont suck as much as the end of our 20s.

    love to you.

  10. Happy birthday! A toast to your thirties. May they be a beautiful decade.

  11. Well, I really can't figure out whether it would be apt to say so, but : "Happy Birthday"!

    The last two years have been so difficult for you...I hope the 3-0s would be a better decade than the last one....

    Seasons change......spring has to come back!

  12. Happy Birthday!
    Your 30s are going to be great! Don't think of it as getting older, just better - like good red-wine. :)

  13. Happy birthday, Kristin. Wishing you a wonderful new chapter. xx

  14. Happy Birthday sweet friend. May Being 30 be sooo much better than being 20 has been. I turned 35 this year. My husband says that 2010 is "our" year. I hope he is right.

    Love you.

  15. Happy Birthday, I hope that your 30's are full of amazing things. I think we all plan when we are you, naive, and stupid-comes with the territory. ((hugs))

  16. Hi, my name is Elizabeth. I hope you'll forgive me for commenting ( I commented once before - still not sure how to put my name up) as I am not a bereaved mother. I am going through a tough and traumatic time right now, though nothing on the searing scale of your loss and those of your readers. Your thoughts struck a chord with me. I'm a decade ahead, as it were, but I am only now learning some very basic truths about life. I never made any plans - it would have been better had I done so I think. But I had this naive belief that if only I was good enough, worked hard enough, tried hard enough, everything would be OK. Like an unspoken bargain with the cosmos. Life just doesn't work that way, does it... I wish with all my heart that your 30s bring you

  17. Happy Birthday and I hope that the 30's look much brighter than the past few years have been.

  18. I didn't realize our birthdays were so close. I knew there was a reason I liked you. No plan in the world could have prepared me for this. I am hoping that by not planning we get our wish.

  19. Happy Birthday!

    Here's hoping your 30's are a decade of dreams fulfilled and overflowing happiness!

  20. Happy birthday! I hope your 30's turn out to be a beautiful decade.

    I also planned everything out, and think I was naive looking back on it. I just didn't know, that's all. Here's to a decade of no plans, but one that hopefully turns out beautifully anyway.

  21. I hope you had a great Birthday today, you deserve it! I will be praying that this year is a great one for you! Love the quotes you used too! *HUGS*