Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Regrouping... again

Or at least attempting to. I feel like that is what my life has become, setback after setback requiring us to regroup based on the universe's rules. Well you know what. I am pretty tired of it really. The utter irony of learning this week that my tubes are shot to crap as a direct result of a c-section that I had to bring a dying baby into the world. Oh, that's just hilarious universe isn't it? You really got me on that one.

If Peyton had been born healthy, if she was here, a laughing fifteen month old, of course I would feel this was all worth it. But she isn't is she? She was born to suffer through chemo, procedures, and surgeries that would make a grown man cry, and for what? For an infection to take hold of her after one month!

This latest development has me thinking alot about Peyton's birth. Alot about why the c-section was proposed, and if it would have been kinder to let her pass in childbirth. That would have been kinder to her, no doubt. She wouldn't have had to learn just how cruel life can be for a baby born with cancer. I am so glad to have held my baby girl, to have loved her and nursed her and known her. But at the end of the day she is gone. Just as she would have been had I birthed her. The only difference is, I wouldn't have known all that I am missing. I wouldn't have known how much I need to see her smiley face again, or how beautiful an experience it is to breastfeed her. In that way, perhaps it would have been kinder to me, too.

The truly crappy thing is that they had no idea about Peyton's cancer, so the recommendation to have the c-section, that was based on something else. What exactly? I couldn't tell you. They wait until you are in the throws of labor and then say, "it's time to get that baby out, she is in distress." What does distress mean? Her heart was healthy, her lungs. What distress brought on this surgery? A surgery that birthed a dying baby, and then wrecked my tubes through infection, and my chances at other children? I will never lay down with the man I love, and make a baby again. This is a devastating reality for me. DEVASTATING.

I am sure there are those who will read this post and judge my thoughts. I am sure there are others who will think I am callous or cruel. I can't apologize. I am not sorry that I feel this way. I am 29 years old and feel like my book is closed, like I am the punchline to some ridiculous universal joke. I married the right man. We had a safe, secure home to welcome a child into. Where did I go so wrong?

This time it is different because I recognize the stages that I am going through, I have been through them before. They have been unwelcome companions on this fifteen month ride through grief.

Shock & Denial.
Pain & Guilt.
Anger & Bargaining.

These four have become like second nature to me, it's the last three that I have never quite been able to master.

The Upward Turn (I thought I was getting here, really I did. When we decided we were ready to try again.)
Reconstruction and Working Through.
Acceptance & Hope.

Where is the hope in something like this? How can I accept this irony? It is too cruel.

I hear Shakespeare's words, "I am fortune's fool!" ringing over and over in my mind, and believe they were written for me.

These last two days have been like those early after losing Peyton. Eyes swollen with tears. Head pounding. Not answering the phone. Not getting dressed. Not going out into the world. I have not even been able to bring myself to go see Peyton's grave. My sweet little girl who I love so much. I feel awful for this. For feeling the way I am feeling. It hurts to look at your child's grave under any circumstances, these make it especially difficult.

Most people get pregnant and know that changes are going to come. They are supposed to be happy changes... not this. Pregnancy, child loss, infertility. Where does the shit storm end?

I wrote the title of this post, "regrouping... again" with every intention to write something that says, "Listen up world, I will get through this, I will overcome this." The problem is, I don't believe it. And if I don't believe it, I can't write it.


  1. Dear Kristin- there are no words to help but I am sending hugs from out in the universe to you. This time of not knowing what the future holds is so dark but the collective love and deep caring of family and friends will carry you.

  2. I've been reading your blog for awhile and all I can say is that I am sorry and ask you not to give up hope. I know this had to feel like the final blow...the one that ended your hopes and dreams of ever having another child of your own. But there are other options...adoption, surrogacy, unexplained healing.

    We were told after an infection following a miscarriage and D&C that we'd never have kids and now we have three. My OB has no clue how it could happen but it did. I know our situations are totally different but the Lord has a plan for you and I truly believe that His plan includes other children for you.

    No doctor, no diagnosis, nothing will stop His plan. So don't give up...don't allow this horrible series of events to rob you of your faith, hope and determination.

    I know the emotion of this last setback is so raw that it literally hurts you on so many levels but just take some time, let it sink in and then start researching other options, doctors, specialists and treatments...having faith all along the way that Peyton it sitting with her siblings now, preparing them for what is to come and telling them all about the wonderful mother that is going to great them upon birth.

  3. I don't think people would judge what you are saying harshly. I think you have every right to be angry and feel the way you do. Maybe in time that will change or you will find your way through it but for now, be angry. Express it. I am angry for you too. It's bad enough our babies die, all this other shit just adds insult to injury.

  4. You are right, you don't have to be sorry for the way you feel. I hate that this is happening to you. It doesn't make any sense to me. None of it. I wish I had words to take the loss, and pain away. All I can do is continue to plead Heaven for help for you, and I will. When you can't believe that you will overcome this, I will believe it for you.

    All my love

  5. I can appreciate your grief and anger. My baby girl died 2 years ago and we have been unable to get pregnant again. We don't know why. The baby loss + infertility road is filled with anger, bitterness and jealousy. This life we have is so unfair. I'm with you! Peyton was such a beautiful baby. I'm angry that she's not here. I find myself staring at her picture because she's just so adorable. I am so sorry for your losses!

  6. Kristin, no one could judge you, you are angry and have every reason to be.I'm so angry for you. I do have hope for you too, and I along with so many others are holding onto that hope for you, while you are angry with the world as you should be.x

  7. I want to say something - anything - to take away the pain but I know that is an impossibility. There are no words for moments like these. But I am abiding with you and hoping for good things - for miracles - for you.

  8. I agree with Sophie. I also think that you are strong and you will survive this, and that somehow there will be joy in your future, and babies. Hang in there.

  9. I am angry with you. Sending positivity out into the universe for you. I hope it reaches you soon. MB

  10. Of course you feel exactly the way you feel. This is the most unfair journey I can imagine sweet lady. You may not believe that you will make it through...but I believe in you. You've shown a strength beyond the call of duty...beyond. Praying for a miracle.

  11. You are a marvel and I just know that your book is not closed.


  12. I too believe. I believe with all my heart Kristin, as I've said before. You have too much love sweet lady, too much to offer a child to go through life without one. I also believe your sweet Peyton knows her mommy is hurting and is right beside you as you cry. She's not hurt you haven't been to her grave, she knows you need time to grieve this new development in your life. Believe me, even though I chose to get my tubes tied BEFORE my baby died, now that he has died, I'm feeling the same feelings of never being able to give my husband a son, another child. Maybe this is something we can figure out together. I'll be your cheering section and you can be mine. Be angry, cry, you have every right, but don't lose hope. Sending you hugs

  13. Oh Always A mama.

    I am so sorry you are back in the darkness again.

    I wish so badly, so badly that the docs had not made that judgement call that rendered you infertile.

    You still have options, as you know and as I have suggested to you. IVF w/your own eggies.

    I know it seems like, omg, who is this chick to point this out when I am grieving?

    I have been there honey.

    I wasn't even able to hold Dom and Isa in my arms and say good bye. I was a clueless 19 year old and knocked out and they took my kids and incinerated them. That's what happened back then.

    I know you are haunted by her existence but can you imagine your life, one second of it, WITHOUT HER? I don't think so.

    In those days she fought... she was yours and she was your joy.

    you went through everything taht most people in an entire lifetime don't live until the end...

    Now you have the wisdom and the pain adn suffering of a woman much older...

    I know it sucks. It sucks. Life isn't fair. I know, I live it too.

    You have to push forward sweetheart. She is, was, and always will be, a miracle, a blessing, and you will ALWAYS BE A MAMA!

    I can't imagine you wishing that she didn't make it inutero. That precious time you had with her was filled with pain and suffering for you, your family, her... but... wow. She was YOURS. And will always be.

    You are 29. You are young. I am 2 decades older than you sweetheart. And it took me that long to see these two wildmen into the world and start shepherding them through life.

    God's Plan is just, amazing. It is really hard, scary, and terrifying yet, somehow, it fits together, an intricate puzzle of pain, joy, love and triumph.

    I KNOW you will triumph over the pain... and you will find joy with Peyton as your angel watching over your family.

    I KNOW IT.

    the grey lady

  14. Here without judging - you feel what you feel and Lord knows you've had a rough road my friend. I cannot imagine the shock and anger of learning the result of that c-section, but I'm praying for a miracle. One of my best friends was told in university that she would never have children. She did fall pregnant years later and her doctor told her to buy a lottery ticket, she'd have better luck winning the jackpot than ever conceiving again (charming bedside manner that one). She has three daughters now. I wish we could promise you that kind of miracle but I believe, like Margaret, that you have such love that you will have a little one to mother some way, some how in the years ahead. Sending you love.

  15. Oh honey, who wouldn't be devastated by what you have been through. I wish I could promise you a miracle but all I can do is offer a prayer.

  16. No judgement, just lots of love and hoping for you xxx

  17. I have hope for you and I will continue to send up prayers to God for you. I know He hears me and I have faith that He can answer them.

  18. Often those that don't live with loss and infertility say things that they don't know hurt. Your tubes have been given a blow but your body has not. Your body is a mother and has many many more babies in there that need you. I can not get pregnant on my own. my son died this year. I will turn to IVF again and I know you can do it too. The body knows and wants and needs you to be pregnant again. You will... just as differently as you expected to be a mother get pregnant. My journey continues with you and with your daughter in my heart.

  19. I still have hope for you! But I can only imagine the pain your are feeling and nothing will lessen that. I am so sorry for this horrible hand you've been dealt. The universe is sick. I always wonder why after dealing with the ultimate loss like we have, why can't everything else after that be simple and by the books? Why do we continue to endure setbacks and tragedy? Why some of us so much more pain than others? Do not ever feel like you have to apologize for your feelings. Don't worry about what others think. This is your place to say what's on your heart and we are just here to love and support you. I am praying for you daily!

  20. I am so sorry for your hurt, your anger, your constant running thru the "stages". Its all not fair and you can feel however you want to feel. I do not know how we all stand up some days. You will re-group when you are ready. I see comments on IVF above, and if you ever need an IVF friend to talk to about any of it, there are many of us out there, including myself, just holler. I would say Kerry at Making Coyne is the expert!
    Love and hugs to you xoxo Nan

  21. No guilt here, sweets. None at all. You are angry and grieving and have every right to be. I wish I could say something that would help in some way. Just know that I am praying for you and abiding here with you.

  22. Love to you, my friend. That's all I've got. I wouldn't judge you. Ever. Ever. Ever. Just love.

  23. This resonates for me, for I was there, too, once:

    "I feel like my book is closed, like I am the punchline to some ridiculous universal joke. I married the right man. We had a safe, secure home to welcome a child into. Where did I go so wrong?"

    I have no assvice for you. I just want you to know that I know it totally sucks. Totally, thoroughly, completely.

  24. Jesus loves you SO much; He's holding your heart in His hand.

  25. I am so sorry that you have received such news. And anyone who judges you, is out of line. This is truly a travesty on top of a travesty.

    I hope that one day the Lord will hear your prayers. We always want a child of our own and once that is taken away it is like losing another child.

    Peyton will be there for you.

  26. This situation is so painfully unfair. I'm so angry for you my dear.

    The line 'my book is closed' brought tears to my eyes.

    You don't ever have to apologise for the way that you feel here. xo

  27. Kristin !

    Just to say you are in my thoughts , I admire you for coping with all you have gone through . Its hard to understand why God lets this happen .
    I just hope that some day in some magical way this will be turned around to something good even if its hard to see it now.
    Please dont give up , I think you can still have children with help of IVF , Idont think you need your tubes for that as long as the ovarys are ok.
    I know its so dissapointing for you to have you dream to conceive naturally scattered but I think IVF can make it possible for you to have children in the future , talk to your dr about ir when you feel up tp it.
    I pray for strength for you to cope - love Angie

  28. Oh Kristin, this is so sad. I'm so sorry. No need to regroup - not now, not yet. You have every right to your sadness and anger. Take your time with it. I also truly believe that your book is not closed. You are a loving and powerful woman. Some good will come. xo

  29. Im so sorry you are being dealt this hand. How can anyone judge you for your feelings? That wouldnt be fair. You have been walking an atrocious path.....

    My New Years wish for you is that in time you find some kind of peace, that you are always met with kindness from those around you and that you are surrounded by all that love you most, especially in your times of need.

    Most of all, I hope you dont give up hope.....

  30. This is so unfair. I am so sorry to hear that your tubes went to hell. There's no way to repair them? Are there other alternatives out there, like IVF or IUI?

    Thinking of you lots...

  31. I recently found your blog and read through your entire story over the course of a few days. I never got to hold the little one that we lost but I still feel like I know a little bit about that pain. It's been over a year now and I still have days where I just cry. It was the header of your blog that really resonated with me because I do agree that the pain of losing a baby is a unique one. You are not alone and you'll be in my thoughts. I hope that 2010 brings you many miracles and blessings.

  32. I just discovered your blog, you story, and I can't articulate how much my heart aches with yours.
    I am so so sorry. There isn't much more someone can say. No one has been exactly where you are, no one knows what your heart feels or how broken you feel in this moment.
    I'm so sorry.

    Praying that you find hope and comfort and strength to keep going. It hurts. It sucks. But you are not alone and we will help carry you.


  33. Do not apologize. Just feel how empty and painful this situation is. It is only after the work of engaging in our rage and sadness do we move to hope. Just look to today, get through today however you can. This is indeed horrible, and deserves your sorrow.