Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Faith, Infertility, Holidays. A Typical Rambling Post.


Thank you to all who sent prayers and messages of support to baby Faith Margaret who had open heart surgery today. I just received word that she is out of surgery, and that her parents are waiting to speak with the doctors. I know that your prayers and messages helped to get her over this latest hurdle, and so on behalf of my cousin, Thank You.

I should probably warn you all that this post might be jumbled, incoherent, negative, or just generally not make sense. I am under the weather in a gross, coughing, wheezing, sneezing, freezing, stuffed up, runny, sick, sick, sick kind of way. It's nothing serious. I will survive. But the timing of this bug right before the holidays certainly leaves something to be desired, so in the haze and fog that is a massive head cold/sinus infection, you get posts like this one. Feel free to bail at any point...


I went yesterday to have a bunch of blood drawn to help determine what is causing my infertility. I had to fast for them, and the line at the lab was sort of long. Waiting made me hungry and cranky. "Good practice for when you get pregnant," the tech told me with a smile. "I have been pregnant, twice." I responded. "I wasn't cranky." Can you see just how much fun I have been to be around lately?

Anyway, I think that all the blood drawn may have contributed to me getting this sick. I was already feeling a little something, but maybe losing all that blood on an empty stomach exacerbated things?

Monday I have to go for a dye test to check the status of my tubes to see if they are closed and that could be causing the infertility. From what I hear, the process is less than comfortable. It is called a Hysterosalpingogram. Remember that one next time you are playing Scrabble. Mel, over at Stirrup-Queens does a really good job of describing the test, better than I could especially under my germ induced fog, so if you wanna read about it, go here. The sick irony is that to have the test I have to check into the same department at the hospital where I went to have Peyton. Talk about a less than ideal situation for someone suffering from PTSD.


Christmas is here, again, without Peyton. How do we do this year after year? How do we march on into forever, when each new day, milestone, and holiday is a reminder of what is missing? I guess the answer to that, as we (and so many of you) are learning, is that we just do.

I have not been looking forward to Christmas, for the obvious reasons. I didn't want to send out cards, mostly because I didn't know how to sign them. I left it up to my husband who actually found the right words when I couldn't. He signed them, Love, Krissy, Dru, Our Angel Peyton, and Charlotte the Mini Lab Rescue Puppy.

Our cards didn't go out until this Tuesday. Very late by anyone's standards, and delayed by hours and days of worry over how writing Peyton's name on the cards might be received. I think sometimes I worry too much about whether or not my grief is convenient or uncomfortable for other people. In one respect, that is the only thing that has kept me censored to a point where I haven't run everyone away, in another, like automatically saying "good" when people ask how I am, it is just another layer of the false facade that the grieving live behind, because let's face it, no one wants to be around the truth that is grief. "How am I doing? My kid is dead. I am infertile... You?"

In some ways I cannot believe the holidays are already among us. That means that a full calendar year without her, a full calendar year of living on this little known side of the universe, has passed. I don't have much to show for this year. We don't have another baby, and pregnancy seems hard to come by. I haven't found the healing that I would  have hoped a year would bring. That being said, we are still here. My husband and I, we are still here, together. I guess on Christmas, when watching the lights twinkle and the gifts being opened beneath the tree, I will try to focus on that rather than all that we are missing. Will I miss my baby? Of course. Will I ever feel complete or right or completely at peace without her? No. But we have survived what once seemed impossible. That is what we have, and this Christmas, that will have to be enough.


  1. Good courage with the fertility quest. I wanted to let you know that my HSG test was only a little uncomfortable - so I hope it's the same for you.
    I hope that your Christmas is a restful and rejuvenating one.

  2. Sorry that you are sick. I had that infertility test before along with many others. Good thing with that test is you usually get the results right away. I hope all goes well for you!

    You are so right... Each new day, milestone, and holiday is a reminder of what is missing. It is so hard.

    I will be thinking of Peyton this holiday season.


  3. Feel better, Krissy. I really love that last paragraph, by the way.

    Wishing you lots of luck in the HSG testing and that your new year will sparkle. This holiday hump is one that we'll dance over. Just keep surrounding yourself with whatever, whomever, you love.

  4. Kristin your post made perfect sense and no, it wasn't negative or incoherent at all. I understand your pain and the angst of wondering if you will ever have another child again. I believe with all my heart it will. Maybe we need to have a prayer request for you, it couldn't hurt and you just never know. I'm so sorry your sweet girl isn't here with you at Christmastime, just as I am missing Calvin with an aching in my heart, I imagine you are missing Peyton. I pray our babies are holding hands and watching over us this holiday season and that they know how much they are truly loved and missed. As for the card issue, I had the same problem. We signed Calvin's name on cards sent to people we are close with and who would be open to it without being upset. Not that I should care, really, I am the one living without my baby. For aquaintences we left his name off. Too many questions, too many things I don't want to address with people I am not overly close with. However, that said...I hope I get to a place in my life where I don't care what people think about it. Calvin is my son and will always be a part of our family regardless of the fact that he is in Heaven. I don't want to not acknowledge his place in our lives.

    As for Faith Margaret, I am so happy to hear she is out of surgery. I visited her parent's blog and left them my well wishes. To be honest, it was difficult because I know the terror I felt about Calvin having his chest cut open and I started to feel a bit of anxiety as I clicked on their blog. It brought back so many feelings and images and there was so much I wanted to say to your cousin but I just couldn't get the words out. I hope Faith's recovery is speedy.

    I know this is long and drawn out but I really want you to know how much I am thinking of you and Dru and the good work you are doing in Peyton's honour. I wish you peace this holiday season and hope that 2010 will be your year. Sending you my love...

  5. HUGS to you! I am definitely feeling the Christmas blues... or more like anger... I feel like a scrooge inside but hide it really really well. Thinking about your precious Peyton. I love that you included her on the cards, I did the same thing with our Jenna.


  6. Kristin, I want to write something to help you,but mostly I just want to give you a great big hug. Since I'm so far away, and I can't please know I'm squeezing you tight in my mind...there ya go, crazy english lady giving you a virtual cuddle, I hope at least the absurdity of that image makes you smile. x

  7. I didn't think your post was incoherent either. It was honest. I love your response to the tech dude. I do wonder how I use to respond to those thoughtless, pat comments I received constantly in my life, because now they are blunt little barbs right back. I always scream/think, "You can't handle the truth!" I am just sending you much strength and grounding as you move through these holidays. Sometimes they seem specially designed to be cruel to us without one of our tribe. xo

  8. Thinking and praying for you this Christmas.

    I'm positive 2010 will have wonderful surprises for you.

    Merry Christmas!

  9. Thinking of you....

    Sweet lady--you are not alone. (HUG)

  10. Hoping Faith thrives...

    I know what you mean about Christmas cards causing mental issues... I think our grief does make folks uncomfy, but such is life. It is their uncomfortablity... They should put that on hold and imagine how we feel, trying to live each day without our children.

    And yes, HSGs suck. :( I hope yours is quick, painless (as can be) and shows no block. Hugs...

  11. I hope that little Faith Margaret makes a full and speedy recovery.

    I'm so sorry you aren't feeling well. I hope that the HSG isn't too uncomfortable, I will be thinking of you on Monday. I wish that they could have let you go to another hospital to have the test. I struggle with hospitals in general still, let alone the two where the girls were.

    I think that the way your husband signed your Christmas cards was perfect. xo

  12. I would want to see Peyton's name on the holiday cards, if that makes any sense to you. She was here and she matters to me, and I'd want to see it if we exchanged cards (I didn't even send them out this year, but I'm considering New Years Cards because I'm guiltful about not sending out Christmas ones).

    I'm sorry you're feeling so blue. I'm sending you a huge hug and some love and light and hoping that 2010 brings nothing but wonderful news for you.


  13. Kristin
    Just sending hugs your way. You will have many prayers coming your way that 2010 brings you a new life to hold and for Peyton to be a big sister.

  14. Thinking of you, Kirstin and storming heaven with prayers for your intentions. Thank you for updating us on wee Faith and continuing to share your journey with us. I'm glad your husband included Peyton on your cards. Sending you love and hoping your tests go well. I'll be thinking of you Monday my friend. xo

  15. I am hoping Faith does well after her surgery!! Sorry to hear you have been sick. I think Christmas flew by fast. I am hoping this next year brings a little light.

  16. I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. I think your husband's way of signing the cards is perfect. I didn't send cards this year either - for that exact same reason. I hope those blood tests give you some answers.