Monday, February 22, 2010

What if...

Every day I hear stories, on TV, in newspapers, by reading around this blog world, about the strength of the human spirit being demonstrated through truly amazing and inspirational people who have turned the negativity of their pain and loss into a positive for others. Often times I hear them say that they are grateful for the experience, grateful that they were put into a situation that allowed them to make a difference, and it's got me wondering, what about everyone else?

What about the nothing special girls like me? 

What if I never feel grateful?

What if I live 100 years and never make a difference?

What if at the end of the day, the experience of losing Peyton hasn't made me a better person? 

What if I never reach that place where I can look back and say: 
Wow, that was horrible but look at how far I have come. Look how much stronger I am because of it. 
What if all there is in losing Peyton is loss? 

What then?


  1. You are making a differnce. You are. Look at what you're doing with Doing Good in Her Name. I certainly haven't been able to muster up the courage to do anything like that. In fact I still mope around, far too much.
    There is so much more to Peyton's life than just loss.
    Love to you, Kristen.


  2. I will never be "grateful" for Abigail's death. It is about as close to the definition of bad as I can imagine, it is not good and never will be. To expect otherwise is perverse!

    To set this as your goal would be rediculous and would amount to asking you to deny that Peyton wsa good, that life is good, that parenthood is good and that sickness and death is bad. What kind of a world is that? Not one I want to live in.

    This doesn't mean you cannot grow or become stronger. Perhaps you will have to be stronger just to survive. Perhaps you can be more compassionate to others and the like. And you are "doing good in her name" - Good is coming from her death.

    But this doesn't make it worth it. It doesn't make Peyton's loss worth it. No end could ever justify the means. Peyton was a real person - she could never be a "means" anyway.

    That is how I see it, for what it is worth. I maybe wrong. I think good can come from bad. But bad is still bad. And in the case of the death of a baby the good will never be worth it. And that is okay.

    Peace and Healing

  3. You are making a difference everyday. You are touching lives and honoring sweet Peyton. I think it is amazing how you assist other infants in need and their families. xx

  4. When what we have lost is so horrendiously can seem almost...ugly...that anything good could have come from it. It can seem practically unjust that we could be better people as a result. It can, at least, make me feel like screaming into the night that I don't give a flying f*%@! how many blessings could come into my life...ever after. Because, There is nothing I could feel is GOOD as a result of the losses of my babies. I understand how you feel.

    And yet...I see you doing amazing things in her name. I see you reaching others in their pain. I see you. and I see me too.

    Good continues to grow in SPITE of how terribly UNFAIR and WRONG losing Peyton, Simon, Alexander...all the little ones that mamas are crying for. It continues in SPITE...not because of. NOT because of.

    ((HUG)) I can't believe anything else. If anything else positive ever happens isn't BECAUSE...but in spite of.

    and sweetie...good things will happen. They WILL. ((HUG))

  5. Kristin, I think you are making a difference every day. You make a difference just by publicly sharing your story. You make a difference by being an active member of the baby loss community and offering support to others despite the tremendous amount of pain that still remains for you. And you certainly make a difference through Doing Good in Her Name. One of my favorite sayings of all time is "A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child." You were unquestionably important in Peyton's life, and you are certainly important in the lives of each child that you have touched through Doing Good.

    Someone told me once that it would be difficult to evaluate my progress from inside my bubble - I didn't like it when it was said, but in retrospect I think it was a valid statement. I have to completely remove and disconnect myself to see how different I am now than I was 3 months or 6 months ago. It's not always what I want to see, but I know that there is a long stretch of road yet to be walked, and lots of time to get to where I ultimately want to be in coming to terms with Gracie's death.

    Your experience has been compounded over and over again, far more than anything most of us have experienced. While there is no justification for Peyton's death, and her death will never make sense, I am confident that in your own time you will be able to look back and say 'Wow.'

  6. I agree, I think you are making a difference even without the doing good in her name. Youre reaching out through your blog to other bereaved parents like me. *HUGS*

  7. Kristin, you have already made such a difference. I know you don't see it or feel it, and you may not agree but just braving to share your honesty and Peyton's story is worth more than you know. Not only that, but beauty has come from your loss when you started Doing Good In Her Name. It takes a fighting spirit to want to reach out to others in the midst of loss and grief. Just today in fact, someone who was wanting a bloggy makeover told me that she was doing a very similar project for hospitals in her home town. She was still gathering it together and I got to tell her about what you're doing. You are helping someone.

    Thinking of you. xx

  8. 1. Your posts make a difference.
    2. I doubt you will ever truly feel that your strength from this heartbreak is worth it. no. That doesn't make sense.
    3. you're doing for others even if you still feel sad...and that's more than anyone can ask.

  9. I don't know that you will ever be grateful, but i can say that you are making a difference, your writting makes a difference in someones life, the good you do in her name makes a difference it makes an impact somewhere somehow. So eventhough right now you don't ever see yourself being grateful and lets face it, how can anyone see themselves being grateful for the loss of their child, i mean we can be grateful for the way we've grown to love more, and to understand more, and even for the women we've met a long this journey but who ever knew it would take the loss of our children for that change, but through it all ,know that you are making a difference.

  10. Kristin. I can only echo everyone else.

    You have made an incredibly difference. I am so proud to know you.

    All my love and peace,

    Carly xx

  11. I agree with everyone above hon, you have reached many and continue to do so. It will never change the fact that you want your Peyton back, but you are honoring her memory the best ways you know how, as a Mom. Hugs xoxoxoxox Nan

  12. You have made a difference to me.

    I don't think you have to ever feel grateful "for the experience". Grateful for the time you had with Peyton maybe but not for the experience of her illness nor losing her precious life, no.

    You honour her memory so sweetly Kristin and that's more than good enough.


  13. Yes the loss of our children will never be a good feeling. But, it is what you do in reaching out to others like me when we really need it that is the difference you are making. The smiles that you bring to others with your kind words in comments. The heartbreaking reality that you share with us, let us know we are not alone. That helps. It's not fair but without amazing women like you a lot of us make it to the next breath.

  14. Ditto to everyone else, you are making a difference in your sweet Peyton's name! That doesn't make up for her not being here. I know nothing I say will make it better... Thinking of you! ((hugs))

  15. You ARE making a difference. Just look at everything you have done in Peyton's honor.