Thursday, February 25, 2010

Throw another sheet into my Cuckoo file

Tomorrow is the trial run for IVF. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous about it. I know that probably sounds silly, to be nervous about a trial run, but after all that has happened these last two years, I guess I am a little shell shocked over anything having to do with my baby making abilities.

My understanding for tomorrow's procedure is that I will go through all the steps I would go through on transfer day, with the exception of the actual transfer. This way they can make sure they have a clear shot on that day, and that they don't put any embryos at risk while dealing with hidden surprises. I don't even want to start down the path of thinking about what that means... "hidden surprises."

I don't know what to expect, pain wise, but they did say to take some Rx Tylenol before coming, and that they would send me home with a painkiller after.

There is so much riding on IVF, now that we know it is our only option. Maybe that is where the nerves come from. From knowing this is it. This is our only shot at making rainbow baby(s). Is it selfish of me to ask you all to keep us in your prayers? I know there are so many people out there facing bigger obstacles than ours, we are healthy, we have each other, a home, food on our table, clothes on our backs, but man, when it comes down to baby making, I'll take all the help I can get.

I have been trying to focus on hearing good news. That tomorrow they will say we are all systems "go." Or, at least, all systems "almost go", since we will still need to be put on the waiting list for the injections class.

My focus the last few days has been to visualize a good outcome. I spent a good part of yesterday meditating on it, picturing how I wanted it to go and having everything go fine.

I am a big believer in meditation and visual imagery. Probably another trait that you can throw in my cuckoo file, but whatever. The meditation I used yesterday was one called "Healing Fire." I don't have the name of the woman who wrote it, but I will look for it if anyone wants me to.

Basically you close your eyes and picture yourself coming up to a place where people are standing around a fire. They can be anyone, alive or dead. People from your past, your present and even your future. People that bring you peace. Jesus, Boodah. Doesn't matter as long as they are people you find healing.

You greet them and they greet you and in the center of the circle there is a fire. It's not a fire that would hurt you, more of a healing light. I picture it being purplish white, but that's just me.

When you feel ready in your mind, you step into this fire, and watch as all the painful feelings that have been burdening your heart fall to the ground and burn off like ash. Your mind runs through all the things you'd like to cast away about what has happened to you. The loss, the suffering, the flashbacks, the despair, the hopelessness.

When you are finished letting these things go, what is left is a glowing version of you. Hopeful. Energized. Loving. What is left is the best part of you after all you have been through. The lessons your struggle has taught you. The compassion. The love of new friends that it has brought into your life. The idea is that then, leaving that baggage behind, you are able to move forward.

I did this meditation yesterday to help calm my fears about tomorrow. When I envisioned coming upon the circle, I found people from my past, my grandmother, old friends, people from my real life, people I imagine meeting in my future, and even quite a few of you. There are no words to express the amount of healing I have found in the friendships born of this community.

When I approached the fire, I carried with me all the I can'ts.

I can't have children. 
I can't keep my child alive. 
I can't bring a baby home. 
I can't find happiness. 
I can't move forward. 
I can't ever feel true joy again. 
I can't be a normal person. 
I can't overcome this sadness.
I can't forgive myself.
I can't because good things don't happen to me anymore.

Stepping into the fire, one by one, I felt those feelings burn away. I could actually feel the burden on my shoulders getting lighter as I told myself, I can have children, just not the way I imagined. I can find happiness, even though I don't know how yet. I can move forward, I just need to keep fighting. I can feel pure joy again one day, even though it still feels impossible. I can because I deserve to.

Reminding myself of these truths, my feelings of sheer terror about tomorrow transformed into more of a feeling of cautious optimism, and while I haven't yet reached the place where I want to be, truth be told I am still quite a far ways off, that is okay. It's a step, albeit small, in the right direction.

Hey, even Rome wasn't built in a day.


  1. I wish you the best of luck for tomorrow boo! I have fibromyalgia and I do a similar meditation when I have trouble sleeping. I'm going to try the healing fire one next time I'm having a flare up! Thanks so much for sharing that! of luck tomorrow! I'll say a prayer (and keep my fingers crossed) for you!

  2. I hope it goes well tomorrow and you get the feeling of progress going forward.

    I don't think you are cuckoo at all! Although perhaps my recommendation doesn't mean much! ;)

    I hope you have children.
    That you can keep you child alive.
    And bring your baby home.
    I hope you find happiness.
    And a way to move forward.
    Joy and lots of it again.
    You ARE a normal person in trying circumstances.
    You can overcome this depression.
    Please forgive yourself, you have nothing to blame yourself for.
    And I hope and pray that good things will be in your future.

    Peace and Healing

  3. Absolutely I will be praying for this IVF to work for you, on the first round!!! I KNOW you are meant to have children to raise Kristin, this WILL work...Sending you hugs and loads of babydust

  4. Not cuckoo at all!

    I believe in the power of the mind, and do a couple of similar meditations. I think I might try this one tonight!

    I will be thinking of you tomorrow and sending relaxing, no-surprise vibes your way.

    One step at a time.


  5. Good luck. A friend of mine after 12 years is finally getting her babies.

    Hope you will too. Think happy thoughts.

  6. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts! I think that your meditation technique sounds very positive. I think I'll try it. My therapist said to try imagining a rose and putting all of your negative thoughts and fears into the rose, but I've been having a hard time with that version of visualization.

    Something that has helped me is to imagine a letter written from a future self to me, from a time when I do have a rainbow baby, telling me that everything will be fine eventually, even if I don't know it now. I also like to visualize the day of the birth of a rainbow baby. I don't think it's cuckoo at all!!

    Sending all my good thoughts your way for tomorrow!

  7. Good luck. Sending lots of positive energy your way.

  8. I'll be praying that things go very good tomorrow..Good luck :)

  9. much love for you tomorrow. :)

    i love meditation and yoga, it's really helped me in the last year. please send me what you got!

    tomorrow is one small step to the best day of your life - the day you get to bring your rainbow home.

    heal up quick, so you can get that transfer going!

  10. I firmly believe you can do this. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I for one will be here to support you all the way.

  11. Sending you lots of positive vibes, thoughts and prayers. ((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

  12. I'm praying hard for you Kristin. I love the idea behind that meditation.

  13. Sending many prayers your way! I have read so many positive stories about meditation and positive thinking! Continue to think positive thoughts! This WILL work for you. You WILL have a happy, healthy baby that you WILL bring home!

  14. I'm thinking of you, don't worry, from what I've heard the ET process is really simple, only people with cervical problems have issues here. You've had an HSG, if there was going to be an issue with ET, they would have picked it up there. In my mind, this thing is done and dusted for you, step one - tick!

  15. Sending lots of prayers your way that tomorrow goes well and everything is ready for the next step. Hugz!

  16. I have gone through infertility. I did IVF, it is not painfull. The worst is having to lay there when you have to pee so bad. There is a little pinch, I would say it is like a pap. I played music when they did it. I wont say it isnt nerve wracking it is. But I just kept thinking to myself, I am making a precious baby. I will pray for you because that never hurts. I pray that the IVF works and that soon you will be able to post that Peyton will be a big sister. A Mom who understands infertilty and pain in MN.

  17. Thinking of you and sending you lots of strength