Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Guilt Poem

I talked about you yesterday.
I kept tears from my eyes.
Right up until the topic came
of us and our goodbyes.

And then the choking in my throat,
returned, too much to bear.
I struggled through grief's tightening grip
to fill my lungs with air.

My heart raced. My palms clenched tight.
I wanted to shut down.
I felt those moments pouring in.
I worried I might drown.

Tears came calling once again
stinging hot against my cheek.
And in my mind I played over
that final, painful week.

I thought about the infection
and how it ravaged you.
I remembered the sense of hopelessness.
I shuddered at what I had to do.

I wonder if the words exist,
to convey how it made me feel.
Even all these many months later,
those last seconds feel surreal.

I don't know if the day will come
when guilt will leave me be.
I just pray you know it was out of love,
that I chose to set you free.

~Kristin Binder


  1. I'm sure she knows.

    Our last day seemed surreal then and it seems surreal now.

    Maddie x

  2. Oh Kristin, this poem is haunting. I can feel your guilt through your words, the same guilt I feel a lot of the time. Too much. I am sorry any of us know this pain. Sending you *big* (((hugs)))

  3. A very moving and poignant poem.

    For what it is worth, it seems obvious to me that you loved Peyton so much. The decisions you made were made out of love and compassion. That is all anyone can ask. Therefore I wish you could be free from your guilt and forgive yourself.

    Peace and Healing

  4. I love that poem...it fits our situation so well..especially when it talks of infection. Hugs...

  5. *hugs* Peyton knows how much you loved her and how much you love her now.

  6. Peyton knew then and knows still how much you love her. You are an amazing mama. I am so sorry you ache so much, I have said it many times to you, I wish just for a second I could make that hurt go away. Thinking of you!

  7. ((HUG))....somehow, we find ways to blame ourselves for things we cannot be blamed for.

    Thinking of you today...everyday.

    There was nothing else you could do. Nothing else I could do. and yet....we still both wonder...wish....

    we still both want a different ending.

    ((HUG)) Your poem....so beautiful.


  8. WoW. what a poem
    Thank you for sharing it.
    Peyton knows you love her.


  9. I too feel that very same guilt Kristin. I think that choosing to let our children go rather than to see them suffer in continual pain is the ONLY thing we could have done. She knows. So does Calvin. Hugging you

  10. Oh Kristin what a moving & beautifully written poem to your little girl. She knows Kristin, she knows.

  11. I'm so sorry you feel such guilt. I know we all feel it in our own ways. This poem is beautiful yet terribly sad. Thinking of Peyton <3

  12. I can not even imagine -- how you felt those months she was sick...and then watching her last breath. I feel your hurt as best as I can from the outside...She is still alive in your words -- we all have had the chance to know Peyton. Thank you.

  13. Oh Kristin, she knows. Peyton knows how very much you love her. I have no doubt about that.

  14. I didn't have a choice with my daugher, and I still feel guilty. Because, I, when I saw her struggling, asked her to just let go. I wish I had told her to fight!!! I don't know if I will ever forgive myself either

  15. I am sorry you feel so much guilt, I think we all carry guilt with us in some way after losing our babies. As a mom there is always something we "should" have done right? It is so hard. Your posts always have an amazing way of expressing loss. I wish you didn't have to.

  16. You are amazing. I myself lost my daughter, under different circumstances though. When I read your posts I feel as if they could have been written by me. All of the feelings and emotions that you talk about, they are all the same. I am so sorry for your loss. It is the worst thing someone could go through and there is NOTHING that can make us feel better. Just know that what you are doing, your blogs, are helping so many people that really need it. Thank you so much.

  17. I know how hard it is to let your baby go. Sunil and I begged Akul to go away and promised him we would love him forever ...we could not see him suffer. I truely understand.

  18. Oh K, she knows that all you've ever done was done out of love. She knows...

  19. Oh, dear Lord-- can't stop crying reading this... Yes... My dear Jonathan, too.