Thursday, February 18, 2010

Mixed Post:

All's Quiet On The Fertility Front

& Peyton Sends Me A Sign.

The first half of this post deals with my infertility, the second with loss. Read one part, or both, up to you.


I struggled trying to decide what to post here. So many of you have been kind enough to offer feedback and advice on our new journey through IVF, and though I wish I had more to report, unfortunately we are still waiting.

I know some asked if we could get a second opinion, rather than go through a trial run. The IVF group we are using is the most established in our area, transferring over 1000 embryos each year, so while I hate waiting, and also feel that the trial run seems a little wasteful of our financial resources, I don't really have anywhere "better" in the area to turn.

AF arrived this AM with the help of the Prometrium that I was prescribed to get my cycle on track with when my RE wanted for the practice run. I can't tell you how comforting it is to see breast cancer listed as one of the drug's side effects, right alongside dizziness and bloating. Are you kidding me?

So AF came, and I felt blue. Why, knowing my tubes are shot and not functioning, do I still find myself feeling such a sense of disappointment at AF's arrival? I hate that. I hate getting my hopes up for a miracle that is not coming. I did that with Peyton. I should have learned my lesson.

I remember as a kid hearing about a woman's biological clock and thinking how silly it was. Now, everywhere I go, I feel like that clock is ticking away, and people tell me I am young, but really, what good does that do me anyway? I started three years ago. THREE YEARS, two little babies ago, and am still tick-tick-ticking away on that clock with no living children to mother.

Do you ever feel like the universe is trying to tell you something? That you are unworthy or not good enough? I try not to go down that road, really I do, but like I have been saying a lot lately, what makes me so damn undeserving of motherhood?

Sometime, mid next week I would imagine, though I haven't yet heard, will be the trial run that gets me onto the waiting list for the injections class. I am so jealous of the commenters who said this step was allowed to be completed online. The thought of being on hold for the sake of something as menial as learning how to give myself a shot drives me crazy. Take needle, insert needle, withdraw needle. Got it.

So there you have it, nothing. I have nothing to report regarding my lack of fertility. I know it is not Christmas but I am going to throw a Bah-Humbug out there anyway.


I had another "sign" from Peyton a few days back, and while I know some people will think I am crackers for saying so, I am going to share it anyway.

I was on a long walk with my dog Charlotte. We had gone about 2 miles up a desolate road and were passing some old 1800's farm houses when it happened.

Before I go any further, I should mention that it has been pretty gray around here lately, one snow storm following another.

When we got to the top of a large hill I came upon a school bus turnaround sign and started feeling sorry for myself, as I sometimes do, and hopeless about my quest for motherhood.

I began wondering if I would ever have children, and if I did, would they live to school age? Lousy questions like those which two years ago would have been too foreign from my life to even enter my mind.

I circled the turnaround and began heading back, passing a large farmhouse on my left, and a big red barn garage on my right, when something caught my eye. I looked up to see a frisbee sized light reflecting off the center of the red garage.

Everything around me was pretty gray, so the sight of the light made the hair on the back of my neck stand at attention.

I looked up, down, and all around trying to find the light's source: a beam of sunlight, a lamp, a mirror, but there was nothing.

When I looked back at the door, the light was gone, and a sense of peace washed over me.

"Was that you Peyton," I asked out loud, (like the crazy woman that I am) and just as the words left my mouth, some chimes in front of the farm house began to sound.

You can think whatever you want of that story, to me it felt significant.


  1. Wow that totally was Peyton. Im sure of it. It sounds beautiful. I get signs like that from my daughter as well. I get random things pop up with her name too, which has to be here since her name is not common. Im so glad she visited you.

  2. I don't think you are silly for waiting, you are persuing the path that you think will be most successful for you! We are hoping with you that it will be worth the wait!

    Secondly, I LOVE the story about Peyton. I guess it makes me not feel so silly, because I often think about how Adelle is trying to tell me soemthing or teach me soemthing!

  3. oooo, i love signs! that was DEFINITELY peyton. cling to that, kristin, no one here thinks you are crackers!

  4. The waiting between treatment and actually getting results is a nightmare. However long the wait is, once you get your BFP the pain and suffering of the wait will fly out the window as you have something new to focus on. I know it's hard, I wish I could hug you and reassure you it will be alright. I think you've made a good choice with your clinic, they sound like they have a good success rate.

    As for your sign, I think it's wonderful. We could all use a little light and love from our babies to chase away those gray clouds. Sending you my love

  5. oh I love those things when they happen! I had days where I stuggled with those signs, but nowadays I just enjoy them and safe them in my heart. Why should it not be true?

    I am very happy for you that Peyton sent you that sign, also thank you for writing about it! I feel a little more sure about the things that we cannot see now...

    Love from Germany.

  6. Thinking of you, and thank you for sharing that sign from Peyton. I love moments like that where we can almost feel them they're so close. xx

  7. How awesome of a sign, and I love hearing things like that...I don't care if people think I am crackers either! :) I hope the class comes and goes quickly and you can start moving forward in your journey. Hugs, Nan xo

  8. I think it's wonderful Peyton sent you a sign.

    She's right, it may not be easy, but it is still possible. I am sorry you are still in a holding pattern waiting for your next IVF cycle. I can relate to that part of things. I am also part of a big clinic and it's very hard to wait for them to cycle around again sometimes.

    - Jess

  9. I believe it was Peyton - I lost my son, and I believe that he sends me signs. It is so comforting and I am so glad that he does it. I know that you must feel that same comfort.

  10. I have chills, sounds like a complete sign to me.

  11. "Do you ever feel like the universe is trying to tell you something? That you are unworthy or not good enough? ... what makes me so damn undeserving of motherhood?"

    Yes yes. Me too.

    I like the idea of signs. I think George sends them. I might be crackers too but if it brings comfort why not?



  12. You aren't undeserving or unworthy. You are more than good enough. Life just isn't fair. I wish that things could move along more quickly for you on the IVF front. It must be so frustrating but, if you've got the best place in the area, hopefully it will be worth the wait and you will be in good hands.

    I'm sure that Peyton was with you. xo

  13. I'm with you on feeling unworthy, not good enough, and undeserving. The funny thing is that when you or anyone else says it, I think "Oh, of course not. You're SO much more than good enough. That's not it at all!" But I continue to see myself as an unworthy person rejected by God himself.

    Hoping that Peyton's sign means something beautiful is about to come to you, even though your world is grey right now.

  14. That was defiantly Peyton, hoping that things begin to move quickly and the wait will be completely worth it! ((hugs))

  15. Chills all over tell me yes....yes....your little one was there.



  16. I just got perfect chills. I wish you all the success in this. and that your relationship with peyton sustains always.

  17. I think it's wonderful how just when we need it most, our little angels send us a sign to keep us going. Bless her little heart.

  18. I got chills reading about your sign from Peyton.

  19. I believe in signs too and I love it when I feel like Sami is so near me. Peyton is letting you know she is happy and doing good. Take it and embrace it. Take care.

  20. I remember one night, I had my eyes closed and suddenly Sunil said "look at that light." I heard a crackling sound but when I opened my eyes, I saw nothing. Surprisingly, the next day Sunil did not even remember seeing it, but I know it was Akul tryiung to give his crazily disturbed dad some peace - just like Peyton came to say hello to her wonderful mom XO XO

  21. OMG, you're not crackers.

    Want crackers? I'll give you crackers. A couple of months after my brother passed, I swore that the barista at a local Starbuck's looked exactly like him. The guy did. Same black hair in a ponytail. Same height. Same build. Very similar features. Never saw the barista before Eli passed, but after? Of course I did.

    I think he only worked there throughout the winter season. But the resemblance was uncanny. He was there during the most difficult season for me, that first winter season, always working the night shifts when I'd go there for hot cocoa comfort. And he was really nice to me.

    Then, poof, he was gone.

    Enjoy these signs. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. They're beautiful!

  22. I just came over from Lynnete's blog via the comment you left. Thank you for being so open and thank you for choosing vulnerability over letting your heart harden. I don't know you but I adore you and had I arms that would reach through cyber space, I would give you the gentlest of bear hugs ever.

  23. Wow, what an experience to have. Kinda gives me goosebumps!!

  24. Renewing your strength, and faith...what a sign.

    Thought about letting you know that for an angel to visit, you must be something, must be a sign that you are worthy of her signs. Worthy of her love, a love that will travel the distance to find you, at any corner, at any moment.

  25. Thank you for sharing that beautiful story of Peyton. I'm sure it was her.

    I will pray for you and this new journey you are on.

  26. love the signs.. love love love them...

    hate the waiting. hate hate hate it..

  27. I am so glad for your sign. So beautiful. I k eep hoping one day I'll get one. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough? I don't know.

    Thinking of you on this new IVF journey. We just joined an embryo adoption journey, so I'm here with you, my friend.


  28. I'm a total believer in signs, and it's amazing that you got one that was so undoubtedly clear!

    Look out for feathers in unusual places too, sign that your guardian angel is nearby and looking out for you...