Thank You

I would like to send out a huge and heartfelt thank you to all who visited this blog and offered words of comfort and encouragement over the past few days. It has meant the world to us to know that we were not alone in missing Peyton.

This milestone of Peyton's birthday proved to be a truly bittersweet one, bringing anger and streams of tears at the injustice of not having her here one moment, and smiles as we remembered the quirks that made Peyton so uniquely Peyton the next. My husband and I have split the weekend between being in the company of friends and family, and spending time by ourselves to reflect and grieve for all that this date symbolizes.

We had a little ceremony for Peyton on Friday night, a balloon release and gathering to mark her too short life. When I have more energy, I will post the pictures to share with you all. It was a truly beautiful moment of celebration, if I dare use that word, and one which will stay with my hubby and I all our lives. As a grieving mother there is no greater comfort than knowing that we are not the only ones who remember and miss our little girl. We were blessed this weekend to have so many great friends and family members reach out to let us know that they have not forgotten Peyton, and that her life, though it was short, had a lasting impact on them. Knowing that she lives on in their memories too is the greatest gift we could ever receive.

Unfortunately, the weight of this past week has, in the end, proved to be a bit too much for us. Both hubby and I are sick as dogs, run down with terrible coughs and body aches - as much due to the stress and grief of facing Peyton's birthday as whatever germs we picked up I am sure, so I am going to bring this entry to an end here.

Please, please know how very fortunate we felt to have received your beautiful messages marking Peyton's birthday and how much it meant that you remembered us in your prayers. This has been the most difficult hurdle since Peyton's death; there were points this past week where I wondered how we would get through, and your thoughts and comforting words have made more of a difference than you will ever know. The support of this community continues to leave me humbled and amazed.

Happy 1st Birthday Peyton

For the last eleven months I have wondered how it would feel to wake up today, on your birthday, without you here. There are so many bittersweet emotions on this day, and I am at a loss for words or poetry to do them justice, so I will share some photos instead, snapshots of your birth and the moments after. I love you baby girl and miss you immensely.

Happy Birthday!

Daddy and I were so excited to meet our little one.

After your birth, they brought you in to say hello before transferring you. We didn't know you were sick so this was really hard. We wanted to hold you so badly.

Daddy held your little hand first.


And then I got my turn.

You looked around for a while, grabbed your pacifier and then fell back asleep. I was amazed at how you didn't even seem to notice all the commotion around you. You were just beautiful.

It was so hard to say goodbye, but they needed to get you to a bigger hospital.

Daddy followed you to the NICU and held your hand for me. It broke my heart to not be able to go, but the C-section made leaving impossible. Grandma stayed by Mommy's side, helping me make sense of what was happening while Pop Pop and Daddy went to see you. They brought pictures and video of you back to me that night, and told me about the Leukemia diagnosis, the odds, and the treatment plan. I was devastated and in total shock. Your Daddy was so strong those first days, traveling between the two hospitals to be by both of our sides. I missed you so much and wanted to be with you, but it would be thirty more hours before the hospital gave me the green light to check out early.

Happy Birthday My Sweet Baby Girl. I Miss You.

One Year Ago...

One year ago...

I was checked into the hospital.

Happy.

Hopeful.

Naive.

One year ago...

They induced me a second time,

and told me the contractions would start in the morning.

One year ago...

We debated names with the nurses.

I stayed up all night excited,

Daddy fell asleep on the cot beside me.

One year ago...

We anxiously awaited your arrival.

I was sure you were a boy,

and we finally settled on the name Finn.

One year ago...

We still had our innocence.

We were so young then,

so very, very young.

One year ago...

We knew everything was about to change,

and imagined the wonderful ways

that you would impact our lives.

One year ago...

Was the last day our life was normal.

We lay in wait unknowing,

of the storm up ahead.

One year ago...

I was your mother.

Why didn't I sense what was happening?

How could I not know?

One year ago...

~Kristin Binder

Mel's 68th Show & Tell - Field Trip

Today for Mel's 68th show and tell I will be taking you on a little field trip of sorts. We won't be traveling to see an art museum or a zoo, and I'm sorry there are not going to be any souvenirs to commemorate your trip. I know that you may question why I would bring you here, and many wouldn't understand why I visit so much myself, but despite all this, what I hope that you gain from this visit is some of the beauty of this place; despite all of its pain.

I have been making daily pilgrimages to this spot for the past eleven months, compelled by a need to sit in silent meditation and feel a closeness to my child. Today I invite you to come along with me, to visit my sweet Peyton's hill; a peaceful green corner this side of Heaven.



When I imagined motherhood, I never envisioned this, but in the months since Peyton's passing, the serene atmosphere of her spot has brought me great comfort and reflection. I have also done a lot of writing up here, inspired by this place to write entries and poems like this one and this one.



I do what I can to make it nice for her, especially now as we are still awaiting the completion of her stone. On very special days Peyton receives little gifts and decorations from our friends and family when they come for a visit. This adorable little guy was a gift to Peyton, brought back by her Grandma and Pop Pop all the way from Holland.



In the early days after Peyton died, a little old man came over to me to offer his sympathies. He introduced himself as G, and told me that he had been coming to visit his wife Helen's grave each day since her passing a few years earlier. In these last ten months we have become friends, a kind of lonely hearts club -G missing his dear wife, me missing my sweet daughter.



When I first met G, I was struck by a spot that had been worn down to the dirt in the grass near his wife's grave. It broke my heart to know that he was so sad, and missed his Helen so terribly that he couldn't bear to be away from her and in visiting her so frequently had worn the grass by her stone clear away.

Today, in looking through these pictures, I realized that Peyton's grave now bears this same worn away mark. To be honest, the discovery of this patch of dirt has left me with mixed emotions.



To see what the rest of the class is sharing, click here.

Still so lost.

My shoulders slump.
My body hurts.
My eyes blur.
My heart quivers.
My arms ache.
My soul is depleted.
My child is dead.
Where is the hope?

It's been nearly a year since Peyton was born. I am trying so hard to focus on celebrating her this week rather than mourning her (her first birthday should have been this Friday) but it is so hard. So very, very hard. My emotions tax me of my energy and will; my feelings and thoughts take me back to last September. I am nearing this year mark of my child's birth, and all I can do is cry. How do I do this? How do I get through this? None of this is as it should be.

I should be celebrating first steps, finger foods, cut teeth; at least I think that is what she would be doing but having never mothered a living one year old I don't really know. I should be able to see advertisements and shows with families in them and think about how cute my Peyton would look with that toy; in those clothes; instead of being brought to tears. I am realizing, especially now, how isolated this world of baby loss is. I am surrounded by people who love me, who reach out to me, and yet I feel so incredibly alone in this new world. What is wrong with me?

I should be feeling so many things with the approach of Peyton's first birthday, none of which are supposed to revolve around grief...loss...death. How did we end up here? How did this happen to our life?

It has been nearly a year since they told me I had a "beautiful, perfect little girl," only to take it back moments later. Nearly a year since they allowed me to see her for mere moments before whisking her away to another hospital. Nearly a year since we learned of her Leukemia and started treatment. Nearly a year since I checked myself out of the hospital early to be by her side. Nearly a year since I first got to hold her, three days after her birth. Nearly a year since we gained false hope. Nearly a year since I fell so totally in love with her.

It has been nearly a year... and I am still so lost.

I visited Peyton's grave today, and somewhere between fits of tears and anger at myself, and God, and this situation, I wrote this.

Leave me,
oh, bitter wave of sadness.
Leave me.
Go!
Let me be!
My eyes need reprieve
from your cruel salty flow.
I am begging you,
please set me free.
Can't you see what you've done,
you greedy emotion?
I'm too young to always feel this old.
You've taken my child,
I have nothing left for you,
do you find joy watching me unfold?
Please leave me,
oh, crushing weight,
I beg you.
Don't you see how you've caused me to break?
My dreams have been splintered,
my joy has been lost,
I don't know how much more I can take.
Please leave me,
oh, angry bitter questioning,
take mercy on me, allow me release
from the grip that you've asserted over my life,
from my inability to find a sense of peace.

~Kristin Binder

Yes, it's been nearly a year, and I am learning that no amount of time negates the pain of loss.

****Please send prayers of love and support to Mirne and Craig who have today announced the heartbreaking loss of their third child Jet. My heart goes out to this couple who have already experienced so much pain in the loss of their first two children. Please visit them and let them know that we all grieve with them for this beautiful boy, gone from this world after only three days of life.