Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Missing and Growing...

I miss Peyton's hill... a lot.
I miss talking to her.
I miss feeling her near me.
I miss breathing in the air up there and being inspired to write.
I miss the cold snap of wind against my cheeks as I ask her to send mommy a little warmth and sunshine.
I miss watching the hawks, and the eagles soar overhead.
I miss telling her about the animals that have left tracks in the snow.
I miss finding moments of animation among the stillness.
I miss closing my eyes and tapping my chest the way I would her back when she was in my arms.
I miss singing songs to the quiet air - "You Are My Sunshine," "Smile Awhile," and "Oh Dunderbeck."
I miss feeling that she could hear me singing these songs.
I miss these moments which are the only ones I have left to mother her through.
I miss her.

I can handle the boredom, and the redundancy of bedrest.
I can handle feeling trapped in my home.
I can handle so many things.
What is hardest for me to handle is the way this has kept me from her.
I hate knowing she is up there, covered in snow, and there is nothing I can do to clear her space.
I went from visiting her every single day for over a year and a half, to seeing her only a handful of times this entire pregnancy.

You have not been forgotten little girl.
You have not been replaced.
You never will be.


The remainder of this post talks about the Snowflakes, my pregnancy, and also shows some belly pictures. I know how painful this can be for some of you, and as always, am placing some space here for anyone who wants to avoid such triggers.


Just a little Snowflakes update here.

I am 31 weeks 2 days and feeling every bit of it - in great ways of course. There has been a ton of movement - and these little ones have developed the ability to hiccup over the last week or so, which can be pretty entertaining. I feel a lot of pressure lately, and am completely exhausted. I have read about the "brick wall" that you can hit in the final trimester, and don't really remember that with Peyton, but carrying two has proved to be a much different game, and my energy is just tapped out. Breathing has become a bit of a challenge, especially at night. I think that as the day progresses, and my body fills with fluid etc, the babies put more of a strain on my lungs. I am not sure what can be done for this, so I switch positions a great deal in an effort to get some sleep. I usually get a few hour clips at a time. I like to think of it as practice, this insomnia just preparing me for life with two newborn babies at home.

I was supposed to go for a growth ultrasound tomorrow, but it was cancelled due to the horrific weather we are expecting here in the Northeast. That's alright though. Better safe than sorry, and the appointment has been rescheduled for Thursday instead. I am anxious to see how the babies have grown. All along our little boy, Baby A, has been measuring large. At our appointment around 27 weeks, he was already estimated at 2 lbs 12 oz, which put him in the 93rd percentile. Our little girl, Baby B, was measuring 2 lbs 9 oz, which placed her around the 50th percentile. They say that at this point, the babies grow about a half a pound a week, so judging by the fact that nearly 4 weeks have passed since that last scan, and the plethora of new stretch marks that have made an appearance as of late, I feel pretty confident these little ones are keeping that pace up and will be around the 4 lb mark when I go in next.

This is all great news, of course, since the SCH that has had me on bedrest for the last 130 days, also puts me at a heightened risk for preterm labor. The bigger these babies are, should they decide to make an early appearance, the better! Of course I don't want them to come early. I want them in there and cooking for as long as is best for them. If my uterus holds out until 38 weeks, the doctors will insist upon a c-section (which is an experience I would really rather not repeat) so I am just praying that they decide to come on their own around week 37.

For those of you who have asked about names - we don't have any picked out as of yet. We have a list, a very LONG list, that I am hoping to have narrowed down soon. It is proving harder to name two than we expected. Hubs and I don't agree on many names, so our search for the right ones has been an interesting experience.

For those who would like to see, here are the latest belly shots from 30 weeks. As always, your continued prayers for the Snowflakes' safe and healthy arrival are much appreciated.


  1. Love the beautiful pics...totally understand the missing...and praying for you and the Snowflakes, as always...

  2. She knows she isn't forgotten or forsaken or replaced. She knows you are at home growing her little brother and sister. I can always feel your heartache in your posts. I'm so sorry for you pain.

    I have followed many bloggers over the past almost three years. There are a couple that have left such an impression that I will never forget those children and parents or their story. Your Peyton is right at the top of my list.

    I'm thrilled to know that the babies are growing strong. I can't wait for the growth scan results. Please know that I am praying for you and your babies. I can't wait to celebrate with you as you bring those babies home and watch them grow into their own little people.

    I know that you are going to a wonderful Mommy to the babies, just as you are a wonderful Mommy to Peyton. Prayers.

  3. I expected to be amazed by your hugeness. Instead I am astounded by your gorgeousness! You truly look beautiful.

    Peyton will NEVER be forgotten. Because of this little piece of cyberspace, she is no longer only yours to remember. I think of her daily as I know many others do. So though you cannot get to her hill right now, she is well-remembered always.

    Do you know of Lori from loridoesmd.blogspot.com? She just had a baby after 11 years of trying and one horrific loss and she invited everyone to add her as a friend so they could stay updated on her progress when she went into the hospital. Would you consider making a facebook page now that you are nearing the end so you can keep us updated quickly? I know when you don't write for a few days I get anxious. If you don't want to invite us all onto your personal page (Lori is working on a thousand "friends" right now) maybe you could make a fan page for the snowflakes.

    Love and prayers to you!

  4. Beautiful bump.

    Praying for you.

  5. Love the belly shots! I can only imagine how hard it is to not visit Peyton like you used to. The winter weather tends to make it harder for me to spend time with my babes and it breaks my heart. So happy for 31 weeks!!!!

  6. Wow! This post is a beauty. I really love the photos at the bottom...what a couple of babies.
    Peyton is always there in your memory and your heart, you will likely share with baby A and B that there big sister was a fantastic fighter. You will likely share with them the things they do remind you of her and how special they are to take after her. Its beautiful..and so are you.

  7. I think Peyton knows how much you love and miss her. She understands the reason why you haven't been by. You are a wonderful mommy to her and snowflakes.
    Wow, your belly is adorable. I know you don't feel it but you are looking great mamma! Hang in there. You are doing an amazing job. Praying and praying that they come at 37 weeks :)

  8. Love the photos. Thinking of you and hoping you find a way to knock that brick wall down! Sending love to the snowflakes and remembering Peyton.

  9. The photos are wonderful, you look incredible! Continuing to hope that everything moves forward smoothly with the snowflakes. Peyton knows how much you miss and care for her, she will forever be a part of your heart and that connection is one that can be felt far beyond the physical limitations that are currently a part of your life. Sending love, positive thoughts, and hope your way ((hugs))

  10. You look beautiful. And Peyton knows that you are only not there because you need to look after her little Snowflake Siblings :)

  11. I remember feeling the same way about not getting out to Jordan's garden and keeping it tended. I told myself she understands and I believe it, I really do. You have a lifetime to tend her precious resting place. You'll make it up to her. xxx

  12. You look absolutely amazing and no one would ever guess you have been stuck on bedrest for so long. And, Payton knows you haven't forgotten her. I am confident she not only knows what is going on but is right there cheering you on.

  13. Always praying for you and your precious snowflakes. You look beautiful. Love and Peace Leah's Nana

  14. Thinking of you everyday. I have a little something for your snowflakes....send me an email as I need an update for your address. I'd love for them to get these as soon as they are here...I might as well send them sooner than later. Holding you all close to my heart...your twins are in my heart, just as mine always will be. I'm sure you will have a beautiful ending which leads to beautiful beginnings. Peyton...she's right with you...I'm sure of it.

  15. Peyton will always know how much you love her... Always. :) And you look great! I'm so happy for you! And, I want to send something to those cuties once they are here! I'm only waiting so that I can get the right size, LOL! :)

  16. Peace, Love and Prayers to you :)

    You look great....I take it you are back in your room? How's your hubbies hand? :) I loved your story....very hectic but all good tales are!


  17. You look so beautiful ... and I know Peyton understands that you can't go the her special place right now.

  18. I found you on Blog Catalog...and I kept reading and reading...my heart aches for you, yet I am sooo happy to see that belly bump! Between Peyton and Faith...oh, my heart bled...

    Well, anyways, come on over to Mommy Rantings sometime! I'm following your blog to watch your belly bump turn into twins!!! You are welcome to follow back. I host a lot of baby giveaways and have lots and lots of other stuff going on!

    Congrats and Good Luck!

  19. Beautiful pics...thinking of you.

  20. I wish there was a way you could visit Peyton. Could someone maybe go visit her and make a little recording so that you could watch it?

    Grow, snowflakes, grow!!