Thursday, October 13, 2011

Reality Check

So staying home alone to take care of the twins. Yeah...

Don't get me wrong, I mean, I LOVE being home with them. Playing with them. Hearing them giggle. Watching them grow. I love all of that, I do, but sometimes the lack of sleep, the constant wrestling to get them into their diapers when all they want to do is flip and flip and flip right out of them, their new affinity for pinching me, the nipple biting while teething, and the on-the-boob-off-the-boob-on-the-boob during feedings, it gets to be a bit much.

And then of course we have the separation anxiety because we are now in THAT stage where any time I leave the room, or their corner of the room, or the immediate area, they cry like they will never see me again. It's endearing actually, to be THAT needed, THAT wanted, but it can also be draining.

And let's not forget the screaming at ten-thousand-decibels to each other, because when you are 7 months old, that is just HILARIOUS, or the whining for something that they want, and me trying, trying, TRYING to understand what that something is, because they don't yet have the words to tell me.

Sometimes at the end of a long day it's hard not to sink into how absolutely tiring the whole stay-at-home-mommy-of-twins thing can be. But then I take a step back and bitch-slap myself, because you know what? This exhaustion. This hard work. This is everything I ever hoped for and more. I have been truly, and DUAL-Y, blessed, and even I need a reality check from time to time.

After two plus long, silent, heart-breaking years I have been graced with two HEALTHY, beautiful children.

Are they a lot of work on my own? Heck yeah they are! A lot of work. No, really... A-lot-of-work, and my life would be infinitely easier if I had an extra set of hands here from time to time, but then I remind myself, when the days feel long, and my back hurts, and I haven't peed in 12 hours or eaten more than a bite of whatever just happened to be there, that every moment, every-single-stage with them is fleeting. My babies are growing, and they are growing fast. Last night Bubba laid across my chest and I found it hard to breath. Really. He is THAT big already. And they are laughing, and sitting up, and playing with each other. They have started conversing in their own special twin way, and to watch them take in the world around them with such bright eyed wonder is a dream come true. Every day that they do something new, is another step away from the last stage they were in, and I don't want to miss any of it.

And then there is the knowing. That even though we hope to have more children in the future, there is no guarantee of that. I know my tubes are shot. I know that making them required seven-long-months of bed rest. This was no easy feat, and there is a very good chance that this is the only time I will have babies doing what these babies are doing and I don't want to waste any of it having a pity party over the fact that I got exactly what I wished for.

So yes. Staying home by myself with twins is hard. And yes, I look like a zombie most days, but I am a happy zombie. A blessed zombie. A singing-silly-songs-to-keep-them-smiling zombie. And that is just fine by me.

In the future I will rest. I will sleep. I will go out to eat. At some point in the future I will have a date with my husband, maybe even feel sexy and like a woman again (rather than a spit-up covered mom). In the future I will wear pants that are not of the yoga-pajama-sweat suit variety, I will do my hair in something other than a messy pony-tail knot on the top of my head because time allows for it, and get my eyebrows waxed. I will wear make-up. Have more time for my writing. Maybe even grab a bite to eat with a girlfriend.

In the future I will do all of those things. But not now. Now is their time, and tiring as it may be at times, I embrace it.


  1. What a great post! I am an identical twin and my Mom always worked. I think it was probably just as hard for her because she had to wrestle both of us into clean clothes, feed us, wash our faces, get socks and shoes on all before leaving for work at 5:15. Then buckle us into the carseats, get us out, take us into the baby sitter and walk out with us crying. I never really appreciated everything my Mom did for us until I had kids of my own. I am lucky enough to be a stay at home mom but I know what you are saying. It is tiring and can get to be over whelming at times. But in the long run it is so worth it and it really does go by fast. Seems like just yesterday I had my oldest and in the blink of an eye now she is 4 1/2!

  2. I know the baby years are tough but they go by so fast.. Now that my girls are teens - I really miss those baby years.. ha So glad you have two healthy beautiful babies.
    I've Become My Mother
    I've Become My Mother facebook

  3. as a mum of a 17 and 15 year old you hit the nail on the head, you will have all time in the world later.....PLEASE enjoy your yoga pant moments with is ssssssooooooooo very worth it x

  4. The first year was SO HARD for me. With one baby. Don't be hard on yourself, you can be exhausted and need help while at the same time being grateful. They aren't exclusive. You're doing wonderfully. :))

  5. Oh, I get it! I don't get the twin thing of course, but life is a whole new kind of crazy now with a newborn and toddler. Two under two, what was I thinking (not to mention, I actually had THREE under three, but you know that sorta doesn't count).
    Wish we could hang out and prop each other up in our total, utter exhaustion!

  6. Twins are HARD. Mine came after two losses and I always feel like I can't dare say one negative thing about having them after what I went through to get them here...

  7. Just happened to fall into your blog and found this post. I have twins, boy and girl too. Struggled with infertility as well. I used to call them Bubba and Squeaks also! So funny. They just turned 1! They've grown into new names now... Papa and BangBang. Don't ask. :) I am staying home as well, for now. We have all too similar lives so I had to comment. Plus I can totally relate to this post... been there, done that and it gets better, a little easier with time. You have the perspective you need so just keep pluggin away at it. Savor every moment though!!! Kiss all 20 toes everyday cuz they just keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Mine are standing now, just about to start walking... it's crazy!

  8. You are doing awesome! My sis-in-law has twins and she says she doesn't remember the first six months because of all the sleep deprivation. So don't cut yourself off entirely from date night with the hubby or time for yourself. You need to take care of yourself too so you can remember and more easily enjoy the wonderful moments(interestingly the tough moments of raising young children seem to blur into mere statements over time). I loved your post and your dedication to enjoying every moment.