Wednesday, October 26, 2011

In Transition

Maybe you've noticed that the look of this blog has changed.
In many ways the changes to this space parallel the changes in my life.

I am in transition.

Of course I am still missing her - but the darkness of grief is not ALL of who I am now.
And yes I am loving mothering the twins - but that love doesn't tell the whole story either.

Somewhere between what has happened, and what comes next,
between what is and what can never be,
between feeling robbed by her loss, and grateful for the perspective on life it has afforded me,
is the place where I live (and write) these days.

This space started as a grief blog.
Then a grief/infertility blog.
Then a grief/infertility/pregnancy after loss blog.
And now it is changing again.

I will always grieve Peyton. With every fiber of my being I feel her loss, in the good days and the bad days. And while my love for her is unwaivering, and I do the best I can at mothering a child who is no longer here, there is a whole side of myself that feels underrepresented in these posts.

The side that has embraced living.

There are so many days that I log on here wanting to share something noteworthy (to me at least) about my day. But then I worry. I worry that something I write may be triggering for someone who has come here fresh in their loss or infertility journey, and that such a post might be a sort of slap in the face.

I had thought that starting the Rodeo would be a safe way to share the twins here.
That it would give those folks who needed it a heads up to avoid my blog on a given day, but now I feel like I have painted myself into a corner with it because I might have SO MUCH to say about them on a Monday, or a Tuesday, but feel like I can't.

Then there are the days that I am dying to post about my latest writing project, or to tell a funny story, or share a general observation on life, but I worry then, too, that doing so would somehow be unfair to those readers who come here solely to identify with someone who is grieving.

So I write nothing.

The problem with writing nothing, is that I just.can'
I am a writer.
I live, breathe, eat, sleep, love-love-love to write!

It is as if the events of my life are only confirmed to me once I have documented them. Even during the hospital stay with Peyton, we would go through so much with her during the day, but until I came home to journal it, or read it on her blog, it didn't feel real to me.

For a while I thought about starting a separate blog. An everything other than Peyton blog to chronicle my life with the twins, and my writing projects, but that just felt completely unrealistic, because my experiences with Peyton influence and color every other part of my world. The two sides of my life are not mutually exclusive.

I cry more easily, and laugh more fully - because of her.
I admire the beauty in the little things, and feel confident in taking on the big things - because of her.
I know the value in sometimes building yourself up, and the beauty that comes in sometimes allowing yourself to fall - because of her.

There is no other life to document. No life that is somehow outside of my love of and grief for my daughter. There is just this life. My life. And even when not talking specifically about her, Peyton is a  huge part of what makes me me.

So I guess that's what this post is really all about.
A bit of a warning to my readers that not every entry here is always going to be centered around grief, or loss, or infertility.

Yes, this is still Peyton's place - her corner of the blogosphere.
And yes I miss her like crazy all of the time.

But like every big sister, Peyton shares my heart and my love with others now. There is room enough in there for her, and her siblings. For her father. Our friends. My writing, and other passions.

It only feels fitting that she would share this space too.


  1. As always, your feelings are so well thought out and described.

    How true that Peyton (and all the others) are so much a part of who and what we are today.

  2. Though I have no rainbows about whom to write, I think I understand you feeling this way. A while back when Angie at Still Life with Circles did her "Right Where I Am" project, I echoed a statement from her about the fact that to an outsider who doesn't know me in real life, my blog probably makes me sound unhealthy and completely stuck in grief, but that is the part of my life in which I process my grief over my son. As you said, blogging seems to help you process what's going on in your life. It is for you. It needs to be for you. I'm sure your readers can understand that there is much more to you and your life than Peyton's absence. How could your daily life ever be separate from that? I, for one, continue to read about rainbow babies because it gives me hope that I will eventually have my own, even though, admittedly, it sometimes makes me feel like everyone has their rainbow but me.

  3. I struggled with this too. And still do, as far as blogging, to some extent, then just decided to consider my blog an "our family" blog.

  4. I've been worrying about the same thing with the blog I started for my grief. We're TTC and dealing with Infertility and I'm kind of worried about posting it on there.

  5. Your blog is an extension of YOU. You are more than just a mom. More than just Peyton's mom. More than a cook. More than a wife. Your life encompasses so many different facets...and so too should your blog.

  6. I have not been in your position so I may not be qualified to comment. What I do know is that I follow over 300 BLM posts. I love seeing the growth and I guess I could say I love to see the happiness when they start to share it. I am a person who fears death. Not my death but those who I love. I thrive on seeing people move forward after a tragic event. It gives me comfort. I pray that the woman who visit you, who are newly grieving, would find comfort in knowing that their future is hopeful. That even though they will never ever forget the loss they will live again and find moments of happiness.

  7. Oh Kristin, this is such a brave move. I think that is why I could never allow myself to expand on Jenna's first blog, which sadly I decided not to grow into my own. You have done it so well. You are right, it only seems right that she shares this space where you write. I look forward to reading along as your journey changes once again.

    And I agree with Debby, it gives so much hope and comfort to see happiness after all you've been through.


  8. I love all the thoughts in you head written on your blog, because they come from YOUR heart....the subject will always be changing the love and passion the same..
    I <3 your blog, you write so honestly
    hugs e x

  9. It's right to do that, I think. Part of continuing to love and honor the memory of our children is to figure out how simply existing without them can turn into living life without them. You're doing that and it's right and good and it honors her. I think it does. I will keep reading, thankful for someone who shows me that though our grief is long, it's not all there is.

  10. This is so well written. You're right - our angels great affect all that we are and who we will become. But life does go on. Your blog for you - we are just the lucky ones who get to follow along and pray for you. And laugh with you. And cry with you. Hopefully, reading your blog will give new BLM hope - that there still is joy to be found.

  11. Thank you for writing this post. So many times I hesitate to write about something other than Gage on my blog. But you are right...even if it's not directly about him, his loss has colored everything else about me. I am so glad that you put in writing how I have been feeling!

  12. Yes, yes and YES. Thanks for saying what I recently tried to say.

  13. I've written about my grief on my blog however also write about the inspiration our daughter Savannah gave me through her death.

    I feel its so important for others going through loss to see that there will come a day when you do laugh again and live life to the fullest...and that IS because of I think your blog could continue incorporating your 'old' and new life...Peyton will always be a part of who you are now...she made that impact and changed your identity.

    I've had many people send me emails saying they have hope to survive as they see that you CAN live your life with joy, even after grief.

    I'll look forward to reading your blog, no matter what! :)
    Diana x

  14. Oh gosh yes, I do understand this. I already had my blog before my daughter died, but I still struggle with this. The thing is, this is who we are now, and our lost children are part of that,part of us forever.x

  15. I think people that have been coming to your blog know that life changes. I suffered a miscarriage with my 7th child last January....I have 6 living children. But when friends got pregnant while I struggled with secondary inferility because of my age (43) for over 2yrs I was truely happy for others when they had good news even when I was facing months of a negative test.
    I now have a baby growing within and rejoice!
    I'm due mid-June 2012 God willing.

    So I say all this because I think others are Truely Happy for you and know that your blog should always refect your life as it is now!

    I love the picture of you pushing the twins on your header!
    Peyton is a swetie too! (your foever baby)

    Peace and Love,

  16. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. YES!

    PS--it is KILLING me that you are not further in the contest. I even got my husband to vote (he NEVER does anything like that!) because he 'knows' who you are through me and still..we are so wishing that we could be more! Know that though you may not win, you honor that precious baby girl so beautifully and regularly, we are all touched regardless. xoxoxo

  17. This is such a beautifully honest post, and I love how you are aware of and balancing your own desires with the concerns of your readers.

    When I first started blogging in the ALI community, after I'd finished building my family, I felt guilty, as if every post I wrote needed the disclaimer, "Warning: Children Mentioned."

    Eventually I figured I'd earned my stripes with respect to IF and it was better all around for me to write without guilt.

    Like you, I made the only sustainable decision.

    I really like the way, toward the end of your post, that you got so expansive.